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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband acted oddly and I checked his phone

115 replies

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:04

Ok I know Mumsnet, doesn’t agree with spying.

I don’t know what prompted me to look at his phone tonight, after he had put it down, but I guess, something struck me as odd,

However I found husband has been corresponding with work colleagues I’ve never ever heard about ( he works from home, sometimes travels to site)

He’d spoken to a man, I’d never heard of, and told him about our domestic set up, mother in law coming for Christmas lunch etc ( odd he never menti9ned this “guy” . I never read further than that, so who knows if this is a man, or wHat if they are Male or female they have discussed

He’s spoken to a woman, whose name I’ve never heard of, Lesley ? Or an old fashioned name , who told him he should speak to Shaza or something like that, as the Shazza was freaking out ?? Again I didn’t read further back, but why would. Manager be involved in this sort of stuff ???

I’ve no idea who either of these people are.
Yet my husband knows who ever I deal with ( I work from home, so mention my contacts regularly)

When I asked who these three people were, and why he was telling them about our domestic arrangements, he took his phone, and deleted all the details
( I hadn’t read, I had just literally read the details I have stated here) and he has accused me of having affairs.

And has now stormed off, saying he should divorce me.

I think I have inadvertently discovered more than I should.

I even told him, the more he attacked me ( verbally) the more he was guilty of, according to Mumsnet, from what ive read.

He has gone upstairs, so I assume I have inadvertently caught him in something

I

OP posts:
jellybean85 · 28/12/2018 22:06

What? None of that sounds like cheating just normal chat with work colleagues! He's probably angry at you for snooping

mumbleds · 28/12/2018 22:06

I don't understand the problem with those messages?

SOSHelp · 28/12/2018 22:07

That sounds very odd and I don't think these people are colleagues

jessstan2 · 28/12/2018 22:08

The messages don't sound suspicious to me.
Relax girl! Wine

Duckherding · 28/12/2018 22:09

Either
A) you've shown your cards too soon
B) he's rightfully annoyed his privacy has been invaded

gimmeadoughnut123 · 28/12/2018 22:10

It sounds like he's just chatting with work colleagues. I talk to my work colleagues about all sorts. I see them 5 days a week so we end up as good friends.

Personally, if I was him, i think I would be miffed at you going through my phone and bringing up fairly harmless messages

Nicknacky · 28/12/2018 22:10

My husband doesn’t have a clue about most of the people I work with. Why would he?

He would read my messages and have no idea who I was referring to.

Why has he accused you of having an affair?

MyOtherProfile · 28/12/2018 22:10

I think you may have gone off half cocked here sadly.

MrMeSeeks · 28/12/2018 22:10

It could be suspicious or your dh could be pissed that you’ve looked at his phone and are questioning him about eork colleagues/ friends.
Just because you talk about yours doesn't mean he has to mention his!
Whats wrong with him telling them his mil is coming over??

Pinkyyy · 28/12/2018 22:12

OP it sounds very controlling of you to want to know every single person he corresponds with

gimmeadoughnut123 · 28/12/2018 22:12

Why has he accused you of having affairs? You've briefly mentioned it but skirted around it. Is it relevant?

TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter · 28/12/2018 22:12

I'd have told you to fuck off as well.

If DH looked through my phone and questioned me then I'd be pissed off as well. That wouldn't mean that I was guilty. That would mean that my spouse was being an idiot and over stepping the mark whilst having absolutely no respect for my privacy let alone trust in me.

Urbanbeetler · 28/12/2018 22:12

Leslie is a mans name too by the way.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 28/12/2018 22:12

My DH wouldn't have a clue what any of my colleagues are called and I would struggle to name for than a handful of his colleagues but he works in a large department so there will be dozens of people he interacts with on a daily basis

Occasionally conversing with work colleagues about your home life is fairly normal surely?

twattymctwatterson · 28/12/2018 22:13

Why on earth once you've started snooping and found something you clearly believe is wrong, wouldn't you read further? Those messages are utterly innocuous

ilovesooty · 28/12/2018 22:13

I don't see a problem with those messages. He's probably pissed off about your snooping and I don't blame him.

RedSkyLastNight · 28/12/2018 22:16

So in summary

  • you had a "feeling" and snooped through your husband's phone
  • you found some very innocuous messages
  • on the basis you have never heard of these people (I don't know all my husband's colleagues names either ...) you have accused him of all sorts
  • he has got annoyed at your accusations and your snooping, and you've decided that him getting annoyed must mean he is up to something.

I can see why he's acted like he has; can't see why you think like you do, sorry.

lily2403 · 28/12/2018 22:16

The messages didn’t sound like affair

His reaction is suspicious...accusing you of an affair. That’s a tad dramatic and sounds like projection to me

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2018 22:18

Nothing there sounds suspicious. I don’t think my husband could name more than two of my colleagues.

Nothisispatrick · 28/12/2018 22:18

DP works from home and while I recognise some names, I definitely don’t know them all. I can’t imagine anything more dull than reading his work emails.

Thetruthwillout80 · 28/12/2018 22:19

You had the chance to read the whole message, and only read half and then went into one with the limited info Hmm

I'm not surprised he went away and sulked.

It's all a bit bizarre.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 28/12/2018 22:19

YABVU. You invaded your husbands privacy (no reason justifies doing this) and seem aggrieved that he’s annoyed. He’s right, he should divorce you because you don’t trust him and now he can’t trust you.

You will have lost his respect.

Gunpowder · 28/12/2018 22:20

Hmmm well I think that reaction is a bit extreme.

For comparison, I had DH’s phone once and what I thought was a suspicious message flashed up so I read the rest of the text conversation. As soon as he got home I called him on it (I was FURIOUS!) and he laughed and gave me a completely logical explanation that made much more sense than the worst case scenario I’d decided it meant. After that he gently asked why I was snooping and I explained about the text and it was fine. It’s come up since when he’s taken the piss out of me but that’s it.

Hope yours is nothing though OP. Flowers

Oakmaiden · 28/12/2018 22:22

His reaction is suspicious...accusing you of an affair. That’s a tad dramatic and sounds like projection to me

On the other hand he may think OP is being a tad dramatic and projecting... hence the accusation.

mumeeee · 28/12/2018 22:22

I'm another one who wouldn't have a problem with those messages. They are your DH"s work colleagues and there is no reason for you to know who they are.
I don't expect my DH to tell me about his colleagues and he doesn't expect me to tell him about my colleagues.
YABVU and shouldn't have looked at his phone.