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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband acted oddly and I checked his phone

115 replies

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:04

Ok I know Mumsnet, doesn’t agree with spying.

I don’t know what prompted me to look at his phone tonight, after he had put it down, but I guess, something struck me as odd,

However I found husband has been corresponding with work colleagues I’ve never ever heard about ( he works from home, sometimes travels to site)

He’d spoken to a man, I’d never heard of, and told him about our domestic set up, mother in law coming for Christmas lunch etc ( odd he never menti9ned this “guy” . I never read further than that, so who knows if this is a man, or wHat if they are Male or female they have discussed

He’s spoken to a woman, whose name I’ve never heard of, Lesley ? Or an old fashioned name , who told him he should speak to Shaza or something like that, as the Shazza was freaking out ?? Again I didn’t read further back, but why would. Manager be involved in this sort of stuff ???

I’ve no idea who either of these people are.
Yet my husband knows who ever I deal with ( I work from home, so mention my contacts regularly)

When I asked who these three people were, and why he was telling them about our domestic arrangements, he took his phone, and deleted all the details
( I hadn’t read, I had just literally read the details I have stated here) and he has accused me of having affairs.

And has now stormed off, saying he should divorce me.

I think I have inadvertently discovered more than I should.

I even told him, the more he attacked me ( verbally) the more he was guilty of, according to Mumsnet, from what ive read.

He has gone upstairs, so I assume I have inadvertently caught him in something

I

OP posts:
Twisique · 29/12/2018 10:49

I wouldn't be worried about the messages. I would be very worried about his response. Is he projecting when he accuses you of an affair.

Also, lots of partners have a look at their husband or wife phone, it's surely not unusual. On mumsnet people who find affairs don't get blamed for looking.

easyandy101 · 29/12/2018 11:30

I would be very worried about his response. Is he projecting when he accuses you of an affair.

Was OP projecting when she accused him of cheating?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/12/2018 11:42

Whilst his reaction sounds odd if he is routinely accused of hiding such mundane stuff as going out for a meal whilst away or telling OP all his work colleagues names then maybe it is a bit more understandable. Maybe he is so pissed off with being accused of things he just wanted OP to have a few hours stewing on things as a way of getting back at her for constantly not trusting him.

Lifeisabeach09 · 29/12/2018 11:53

He is keeping stuff from you. Whether an affair or new friendships, he is being secretive.
It might be new behaviour or he may have been keeping stuff from you for years.
I'd find it odd.

HoppingPavlova · 29/12/2018 12:07

????
My DH has been in his current role for the last 5 years. I couldn’t name one of his colleagues. They seem to have contact out of work via phone/internet about non work related stuff but I leave him to it as it’s nothing I would be interested in. Really, for all I know he could go and sit in a park every day and not even have a job. Except that doesn’t make sense as he has a payment from his place of employment pop up in our bank account every monthGrin. That’s how little I know about his work and his colleagues. I don’t see that as a problem. I don’t see anything you read as a problem. If I was your DH I would be beyond livid at your nosiness and baseless accusations.

HoppingPavlova · 29/12/2018 12:16

I don't tell my husband every time I go out for lunch with a work colleague or contact, and I don't expect him to tell me.. It's not because either of us is keeping secrets, it's mostly because it's just utterly boring as a topic of conversation.

This. I find it odd people would want to talk about this stuff. I would think if my DH started to go through this type of stuff I would start yawning and propping my eyelids open with matchsticks. Similarly, I really don’t think he would find it at all fascinating if I detailed this type of stuff and is more than happy to miss it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/12/2018 12:26

@Lifeisabeach he isnt really hiding stuff though is he. The things the OP mentions is just general boring mundane stuff that he feels doesnt warrant talking about.

brighteyeowl17 · 29/12/2018 12:26

I’d be more worried he deleted the details. Also women’s numbers could be saved under men’s names. To me his reaction screams suspicious but then I was cheated on a lot with an ex who did things like this and was clever at turning it round onto me.

RedSkyLastNight · 29/12/2018 12:31

I’d be more worried he deleted the details.

... after the OP had read the messages (including at least one from a woman, who was not "hidden" as a man)
... after he'd left his phone casually on the side?

If he's trying to hide things he's not doing a great job of it.

Getoffthetableplease · 29/12/2018 12:41

Wow the responses on this thread! OP, it sounds like something isn't right. The fact you felt the need to look, the actual messages, the general distrust, his reaction - he might be having an affair, he might not, but it certainly doesn't seem like the two of you are happy right now. Will he sit down calmly to talk about your relationship atm?

lily2403 · 29/12/2018 12:53

I wouldn’t invade DH privacy but if I ad glanced at his phone and saw messages I wasn’t keen on I would say what’s that. My DH would have told me not ran upstairs accusing me of having an affair...

WardrobeInCrisis · 29/12/2018 13:28

I don't tell my husband every time I go out for lunch with a work colleague or contact, and I don't expect him to tell me.. It's not because either of us is keeping secrets, it's mostly because it's just utterly boring as a topic of conversation.

This. I find it odd people would want to talk about this stuff. I would think if my DH started to go through this type of stuff I would start yawning and propping my eyelids open with matchsticks. Similarly, I really don’t think he would find it at all fascinating if I detailed this type of stuff and is more than happy to miss it

This this ^^

OP, your way of looking at things and discussing everything and every aspect of your life with your partner would be more than a little suffocating to many others, including me! It's boring. I would NEVER phone DH up when working away and detail where I was going or whatever.

You say you don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Why not?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 29/12/2018 13:29

I'm not surprised he snapped, he's probably fed up of your behaviour! So he deleted the messages? Probably because he knows you're a pain the arse who will go snooping and being ridiculous over mundane stuff.

How many times have you been so batshit with him OP?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 29/12/2018 15:03

Ok, it’s an invasion of privacy, but that’s the only way, wives ever find out.

I feel sorry for your DH. That is clearly not the only way wives find things out. Can you imagine if people had to validate everything their OH said or did by snooping?

It looks like you are no longer going to reply as you don't like the responses you're getting, but seriously, I would apologise to him for the whole thing rather than let it fester.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/12/2018 13:56

If DH snooped on my totally innocuous messages I would delete them all and then delete all future messages as soon as I'd read them to make sure he never snooped again.
According to many posters, that would put me in the wrong Confused

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