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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband acted oddly and I checked his phone

115 replies

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:04

Ok I know Mumsnet, doesn’t agree with spying.

I don’t know what prompted me to look at his phone tonight, after he had put it down, but I guess, something struck me as odd,

However I found husband has been corresponding with work colleagues I’ve never ever heard about ( he works from home, sometimes travels to site)

He’d spoken to a man, I’d never heard of, and told him about our domestic set up, mother in law coming for Christmas lunch etc ( odd he never menti9ned this “guy” . I never read further than that, so who knows if this is a man, or wHat if they are Male or female they have discussed

He’s spoken to a woman, whose name I’ve never heard of, Lesley ? Or an old fashioned name , who told him he should speak to Shaza or something like that, as the Shazza was freaking out ?? Again I didn’t read further back, but why would. Manager be involved in this sort of stuff ???

I’ve no idea who either of these people are.
Yet my husband knows who ever I deal with ( I work from home, so mention my contacts regularly)

When I asked who these three people were, and why he was telling them about our domestic arrangements, he took his phone, and deleted all the details
( I hadn’t read, I had just literally read the details I have stated here) and he has accused me of having affairs.

And has now stormed off, saying he should divorce me.

I think I have inadvertently discovered more than I should.

I even told him, the more he attacked me ( verbally) the more he was guilty of, according to Mumsnet, from what ive read.

He has gone upstairs, so I assume I have inadvertently caught him in something

I

OP posts:
lucky88 · 29/12/2018 00:41

Big reaction for some not particularly suspicious messages.
But, seems like he's guilty of something and you may have come close to finding out.

However; you blew it by letting him know you'd been snooping - He will cover his tracks far more carefully in future.

DeepanKrispanEven · 29/12/2018 00:55

he’s lied about, or omitted to mention going out for meals, etc, when a simple text, would let me know, ( as I would, well I would phone and say, when working away )

I don't tell my husband every time I go out for lunch with a work colleague or contact, and I don't expect him to tell me.. It's not because either of us is keeping secrets, it's mostly because it's just utterly boring as a topic of conversation.

Lizzie48 · 29/12/2018 00:56

The messages are innocuous but her DH's reaction is not; why delete all the conversations and threaten divorce, and also suspect his wife of cheating? That suggests that he does have something to hide.

DeepanKrispanEven · 29/12/2018 01:05

To me, the weirdest thing is that he immediately deleted the conversations, and mentioning divorce. Getting cross about invasion of privacy/interfering with work, fair enough, but deleting stuff is weird.

That seems to me entirely consistent with getting cross about invasion of privacy: it's quite a natural reaction to say, in effect, "I will make sure you can't do this again by deleting my messages."

this woman knew a instinct prompted her to look.

And when she looked she found nothing incriminating, so her instincts were wrong, weren't they?

I hate the "trust your instincts" mantra on MN. Look at any thread discussing a news item, particularly a crime that is receiving a lot of publicity, and you will see people claiming to have a gut instinct that someone (usually a partner) is guilty - and 9 times out of 10 it turns out that their gut instincts were total rubbish. The Joanna Yeates murder is a classic case. If your best evidence is instinct, forget it.

Userplusnumbers · 29/12/2018 01:05

I'm imagining this from the other side

"My OH has been behaving really oddly - read some texts on my phone from a colegaue about another colleague needing support, and accused me for keping secrets, WWYD"

Typical answer would be - Check your OHs phone OP. This is a classic deflection technique when someone is having an affair, to accuse you.

Your husbands texts are so bland OP, yet you've managed to make it a big deal - I'm not surprised he's wondering what you're hiding.

Userplusnumbers · 29/12/2018 01:07

this woman knew a instinct prompted her to look.

Also, fuck instincts - they're notoriously unreliable, it's the reason we do fire drills - you're instinct is to run, but it'll actually get you killed.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 29/12/2018 02:20

OP, have you told your husband that you've started this thread and shown him what you've posted? If not then you have omitted to tell him things, and by your own bizarre logic are not to be trusted and are probably having an affair.

selepele · 29/12/2018 02:27

Why do you have an issue with these messages this thread is odd and you sound so controlling

CanuckBC · 29/12/2018 02:29

His response is odd. Usually the one to accuse the other of having an affair is having the affair...

fizzthecat1 · 29/12/2018 03:01

OP when men cheat they'll change the name in their phone to a mans. Just saying. He's acting odd.

Coyoacan · 29/12/2018 04:52

I hate the "trust your instincts" mantra on MN

As if we didn't all know of obsessively jealous people who make their partners' lives hell. I'm sure they are also trusting their instincts.

GySgtHartman · 29/12/2018 06:34

hold on forget the rest why did he delete all the messages if its just work colleagues

Because maybe they're in confidence.

GySgtHartman · 29/12/2018 06:35

His response is odd. Usually the one to accuse the other of having an affair is having the affair...

She accused him.

blackcat86 · 29/12/2018 06:49

He should definitely divorce you. You sound controlling, unhinged and have a very unhealthy view of relationships. I don't tell my husband every single thing that happens at work or every person I communicate with. We discuss our personal lives in a fair amount of detail because it's just that kind of office. No I don't tell my husband every time I nip out for lunch with a colleague etc. Why would I?

If DH had done that to me I'd probably have wiped the phone back to factory settings and lobbed it at him. What a horrible invasion or privacy. As for 'wives only find out what's happening that way' - the 50s called and want their views back.

steff13 · 29/12/2018 06:50

His response is odd. Usually the one to accuse the other of having an affair is having the affair...

Doesn't this also apply to the OP? She snooped in his phone based on nothing other than he was using his phone on holiday. Then she demanded to know who the people were. Maybe he was using this logic and accusing her because she was accusatory first.

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/12/2018 07:00

I'd be so irritated if I were your husband, OP.

You don't need to know every detail of his life. Give the man some space.

newdaylight · 29/12/2018 07:07

His response is odd. Usually the one to accuse the other of having an affair is having the affair...
So are you accusing OP of having an affair? That would be a major dripfeed.

longwayoff · 29/12/2018 07:10

How many times have you challenged him over similar trivia? Maybe he's just reached end point.

Namenic · 29/12/2018 07:21

I trust my OH to look through my phone and vice versa (though might spoil some surprise presents)... but that might not be same for everybody. Also I guess some company info may be restricted.

iloveruby · 29/12/2018 07:32

Why on earth would you only half-read the messages before confronting?

If there is something going on here then you've given him a heads up to be more careful and hide the evidence from you in the future.

His reaction is odd though and would lead me to think something else is going on. Unfortunately I think you are now going to find it a lot harder to get any evidence.

Jenasaurus · 29/12/2018 07:33

The title of this thread is "Husband acted oddly, so I checked his phone" in what way was he acting oddly, what was the trigger that prompted you to look Op?

LanerandPhn · 29/12/2018 07:37

Statistically and according to the most recent surveys, a whopping 45% of men and 22% of women have cheated on their partners.

That means that half of us are going tomat some point have good reason to go snooping.

His reaction suggests that there is more to this than he is letting in about and yes, cheaters will use work colleague names to deflect suspicion.

Some on here are clearly in denial as to just how dark people can be and that you might not know your spouse as well as you think you do.

longwayoff · 29/12/2018 07:37

If I told my partner every detail of my working days, colleagues, where we had a meeting, what we had to eat, what their names are zzzzzz, he would definitely leave me. And I wouldn't blame him.

easyandy101 · 29/12/2018 08:12

What is private from your spouse that you don’t want them seeing?

Whether you share everything with your partner or not, other people talking to your partner are not talking to you

A very good friend of mine, who my partner doesn't know, often tells me pretty private details of her life, she's not thinking I'd just let my partner read her texts as she has a perfectly reasonable expectation of privacy.

llangennith · 29/12/2018 09:32

If the messages were work-related trivia why did he get stroppy and delete them? And threaten divorce? Bizarre.

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