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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband acted oddly and I checked his phone

115 replies

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:04

Ok I know Mumsnet, doesn’t agree with spying.

I don’t know what prompted me to look at his phone tonight, after he had put it down, but I guess, something struck me as odd,

However I found husband has been corresponding with work colleagues I’ve never ever heard about ( he works from home, sometimes travels to site)

He’d spoken to a man, I’d never heard of, and told him about our domestic set up, mother in law coming for Christmas lunch etc ( odd he never menti9ned this “guy” . I never read further than that, so who knows if this is a man, or wHat if they are Male or female they have discussed

He’s spoken to a woman, whose name I’ve never heard of, Lesley ? Or an old fashioned name , who told him he should speak to Shaza or something like that, as the Shazza was freaking out ?? Again I didn’t read further back, but why would. Manager be involved in this sort of stuff ???

I’ve no idea who either of these people are.
Yet my husband knows who ever I deal with ( I work from home, so mention my contacts regularly)

When I asked who these three people were, and why he was telling them about our domestic arrangements, he took his phone, and deleted all the details
( I hadn’t read, I had just literally read the details I have stated here) and he has accused me of having affairs.

And has now stormed off, saying he should divorce me.

I think I have inadvertently discovered more than I should.

I even told him, the more he attacked me ( verbally) the more he was guilty of, according to Mumsnet, from what ive read.

He has gone upstairs, so I assume I have inadvertently caught him in something

I

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 28/12/2018 22:23

His reaction is suspicious...accusing you of an affair.

To be fair, if my dp accused me for similar reasons as the OP did, I’d probably be a childish twat and accuse him back using an equally ridiculous example of ‘proof’, if that makes sense.

Petalflowers · 28/12/2018 22:23

Must admit, I find it a bit weird. My dh often works from home, and mentions regular contacts. Someone you talking domestic details with must be a regular contact.

To me, the weirdest thing is that he immediately deleted the conversations, and mentioning divorce. Getting cross about invasion of privacy/interfering with work, fair enough, but deleting stuff is weird.

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas · 28/12/2018 22:28

FFS, mumsnet manics strike again.

A woman has had a strong and unusual instinct to check her OHs phone and finds messages from complete strangers on his phone that sound like at the very least, like incendiary work place gossip. She confronts her OH and instead of bursting out laughing or being mildly annoyed about her nosing at work gossip, he freaks, accuses her of affairs and threatens to divorce her and SHE is in the wrong??

Maybe the man is freaking out and flipping his guilt onto her?

When did this place become so fucking random? this woman knew a instinct prompted her to look. Don't shit on her feelings.

edwinbear · 28/12/2018 22:29

I don’t think DH could name more than 2 or 3 of my work colleagues and they all knew what our plans for Christmas were. You sound very suspicious - is there a reason for that?

RedSkyLastNight · 28/12/2018 22:32

There are people on this thread who are determined to find DH's behaviour "odd".

I suspect if you analyse pretty much any conversation you can find something "odd" in there if you hunt hard enough.

How exactly do people think DH should have acted?
So he deleted messages (that OP had already read) - presumably because he was annoyed she'd read them?

He accused her of having an affair - as a PP said, probably pointing out how flimsy her "evidence" was.

He mentioned divorce. If this thread was written from the other perspective there would be a stream of LTBs by now.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 28/12/2018 22:32

I don’t quite understand the fuss here, tbh. If you looked at my phone on any given day, at least three of the top five conversations would be with colleagues, male and female. My DP never really mentions his colleagues by name (other than an office dog which I am very jealous of) and is not on messaging terms with them. Both fine.

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:32

Ok, so maybe I over reacted, and I really can’t think now what prompted me to look at his phone, he must have been looking at it, ( otherwise it wouldn’t be out, he’s on holiday ) while I went to get cheese and biscuits, and this is his personal phone, not his work phone.

Ok, it’s an invasion of privacy, but that’s the only way, wives ever find out. ( in my opinion, and he’s lied about, or omitted to mention going out for meals, etc, when a simple text, would let me know, ( as I would, well I would phone and say, when working away )

(Ok so I sound obsessed, but if people omit stuff, how can you trust them . ? I’ve worked away, but always said what I was doing, where I was etc)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2018 22:35

My DH could have found very similar messages on my phone between my coworkers and I before I retired. Messages about what's doing at home, messages that a coworker (Shazza) needs support because of a work issue involving the manager. What's so suspicious about any of that?

And of all my work 'buddies', and there were four or five I considered 'buddies' rather than just coworkers, he could probably have named one.

You need to ramp it down!

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 28/12/2018 22:38

We are all on holiday here but still check our phones and emails as it saves dealing with a mountain of rubbish when we go back in to the office.

I’d say, trust your gut and keep off of the relationship boards for a while, he can talk to people about Christmas plans and if Shaza is causing a shit fit and he is the manger it may be something he needs to know!

RedSkyLastNight · 28/12/2018 22:38

You don't need to know every minute detail of his life.
He does not have to tell you about every colleague he has.
He does not have to tell you every time he goes out for a meal etc. (unless it affects your plans together of course).

People in relationships do not share all these things. Not because they can't be trusted but because the details are mundane, not worth mentioning and often genuinely forgotten by the time the person gets home.

If your husband was having an affair, he would not be casually putting it down where you can easily get to it.

Sindragosan · 28/12/2018 22:38

In my job, I frequently have to wait with colleagues until certain things happen, and everyone ends up talking about all sorts. I could tell you all about many peoples medical history, what they have for dinner, diy projects, relatives... Depends how much waiting around happens on any given day. I have both male and female colleagues and can assure you sleeping with any of them is a ridiculous suggestion, despite talking about the minutae of their lives.

QueenDoria · 28/12/2018 22:38

Man is weird. Some threads today have been ‘trust your instincts’ yet this thread is v defensive of Ops DH, his strange messages and HIS reaction and possible projection onto his wife.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 28/12/2018 22:40

Ok, it’s an invasion of privacy, but that’s the only way, wives ever find out. ( in my opinion, and he’s lied about, or omitted to mention going out for meals, etc, when a simple text, would let me know, ( as I would, well I would phone and say, when working away )

No, OP, you don’t get a ‘but’. It’s an invasion of privacy and that’s unacceptable, end of.

If you don’t trust, you confront. If you’re not happy, leave. No trust means your relationship is dead in the water anyway.

Monday55 · 28/12/2018 22:40

It's odd that he deleted his messages afterwards. To me that screams guilty..He's obviously blamed you of having an affair before you could blame him (another guilty person tactic).

tillytrotter1 · 28/12/2018 22:43

Lots of people are on this site discussing their home lives, In-laws etc with strangers, why can't he?
Personally I think that anyone who snoops on their partner's private messages deserves all they get. Is he allowed to snoop through yours and cross-examine you about them?

CheshireChat · 28/12/2018 22:44

It sounds like he hides stuff, then you go snooping, you feel you can't trust him because he's secretive, he doesn't want to share more because, presumably, he finds you overbearing/ controlling.

It seems to me like the relationship is rather rocky and you two need to decide whether you want to put the effort into repairing it Flowers.

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2018 22:45

"I’d never heard of, and told him about our domestic set up, mother in law coming for Christmas lunch etc ( odd he never menti9ned this “guy” ."

Jesus Christ, that's called chit chat. I've had more in depth conversations about what people are doing for Christmas with taxi drivers and people on the bus, in shops etc.
"domestic arrangements"? Get a grip.

"but if people omit stuff, how can you trust them"

Because you trust them, as your Partner, it goes with respect.

It isn't omitting something, it's just not going through a running commentary of your day/itinerary. Which can be tedious and you become weary of it, very quickly.

Is it something in your past, or upbringing that causes you to think the way that you do?

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/12/2018 22:46

If he’s working away of course he will be out for meals, better with colleagues than alone surely. YABU

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2018 22:46

"he doesn't want to share more because, presumably, he finds you overbearing/ controlling."

That's what I was trying to say.

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:47

Thanks all, and to the person saying yes it’s an invasion of privacy, just leave if you suspect something.

Are you 12 years old ?

Doh!! Are you married? With a mortgage, debts, children etc? It’s not that easy

You can’t just leave, life is complicated.

Anyway, going to bed, not reading anymore, I may or may not have over reacted, my husband has been hiding stuff, it may or may not be innocent, I have no one else to discuss my worries with.
And I think his reaction is telling.
As my be my behaviour.
Such is life. Will ask Mumsnet to delete this.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 28/12/2018 22:49

I'd be bloody irritated too. And so would you if the boot were on the other foot and he was snooping into your phone and creating fantasies about colleagues. You haven't got enough to do, get a hobby.

Pinkyyy · 28/12/2018 22:49

How pointless

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:53

I so love mumsnet trolls NOT .

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 28/12/2018 22:56

None of the messages sound suspicious but your relationship generally sounds very fraught and suspicious.

thisisjustdaft · 28/12/2018 22:56

There are probably dozens of work people on dh's phone who I have never heard of and never met. I have absolutely no interest whatever in who they are, have never asked, and no doubt I'd be bored stiff if he told me. I don't think he is 'hiding' stuff.

I don't understand why you think you can't trust him, solely based on a small handful of innocuous messages, just because he hasn't said who they are.