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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband acted oddly and I checked his phone

115 replies

Skallamander · 28/12/2018 22:04

Ok I know Mumsnet, doesn’t agree with spying.

I don’t know what prompted me to look at his phone tonight, after he had put it down, but I guess, something struck me as odd,

However I found husband has been corresponding with work colleagues I’ve never ever heard about ( he works from home, sometimes travels to site)

He’d spoken to a man, I’d never heard of, and told him about our domestic set up, mother in law coming for Christmas lunch etc ( odd he never menti9ned this “guy” . I never read further than that, so who knows if this is a man, or wHat if they are Male or female they have discussed

He’s spoken to a woman, whose name I’ve never heard of, Lesley ? Or an old fashioned name , who told him he should speak to Shaza or something like that, as the Shazza was freaking out ?? Again I didn’t read further back, but why would. Manager be involved in this sort of stuff ???

I’ve no idea who either of these people are.
Yet my husband knows who ever I deal with ( I work from home, so mention my contacts regularly)

When I asked who these three people were, and why he was telling them about our domestic arrangements, he took his phone, and deleted all the details
( I hadn’t read, I had just literally read the details I have stated here) and he has accused me of having affairs.

And has now stormed off, saying he should divorce me.

I think I have inadvertently discovered more than I should.

I even told him, the more he attacked me ( verbally) the more he was guilty of, according to Mumsnet, from what ive read.

He has gone upstairs, so I assume I have inadvertently caught him in something

I

OP posts:
Giggorata · 28/12/2018 23:04

However innocuous the messages appear to be, his reaction is not. Deleting the messages immediately and accusing you of having an affair? We've heard that before....

OoohAyyye · 28/12/2018 23:07

I find his reaction surprising too.

ArfursSixpences · 28/12/2018 23:10

Probably fine; but if my wife had challenged me on this sort of thing, I'd have simply explained what the messages were about and been a bit sarky about her checking my phone anyway. I certainly wouldn't have threatened divorce.

OTOH, I don't know what your everyday relationship is like.

TornFromTheInside · 28/12/2018 23:11

Normal stuff that - there's all sorts of banter with work and yes, sometimes it ventures into home life - Usually just on the back of something innocuous like 'have a good holiday, what are your plans?' and that turns into some details.

There will be women at work. There will be banter. There will be conversations with both sexes, and sometimes it might be mildly flirtatious - but usually on a group scale, less so privately.

I don't think most men are into talking about work / colleagues much. Some might be an exception to the rule, but most men I know see it as mundane, uninteresting and not worthy of discussing.

MyOtherProfile · 28/12/2018 23:11

he’s lied about, or omitted to mention going out for meals, etc, when a simple text, would let me know, ( as I would, well I would phone and say, when working away)
If this is an example of his lying/ omitting to tell you something (that whole working away he went out for a meal) then I do think you have a bit of a trust issue. When my dh is away with work I assume he is eating out since the alternative would be crisps and a mars bar in his hotel room. If he is away with colleagues i would assume he was eating with them at least some of the time. I would be surprised if he told me the details each time. I often have lunch with a work colleague or two and omit to tell dh.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 28/12/2018 23:12

Those messages are totally innocuous.
I'm sure there are dozens of messages from work colleagues on DH's phone that he has "hidden" from me, because it's totally boring work stuff that I have no interest in.
You sound crackers.

Coyoacan · 28/12/2018 23:17

I would find it extremely annoying if anyone, even my own true love, objected to me talking about my home life to other people, especially so entirely innocuously. Sorry, OP, we are pointing out that you are all wrong, but you have chosen to take offense instead of realising that you cannot have a healthy relationship if you think your husband should tell you every single detail of his life and not ever discuss his life with anyone else.

ALittleSqueezeOfLime · 28/12/2018 23:17

*deydododatdodontdeydo
She probably thinks you are too...*crackers

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/12/2018 23:29

you're not the lady who started a thread earlier this month about her DH being out on a work christmas do and only texting twice are you?

Magicstar1 · 28/12/2018 23:51

OP get this moved to Relationships...this is AIBU and you’ll get a different type of response there.

GabsAlot · 28/12/2018 23:51

hold on forget the rest why did he delete all the messages if its just work colleagues-and why why say op is having an affair?

odd thigs to say when youre innocent

GabsAlot · 28/12/2018 23:53

u can be annoyed someones snooped on you absolutely but that reaction is weird

Yinv · 28/12/2018 23:55

OP he got super pissed off at you looking at his phone. I’d definitely think he had something to hide. I personally think anyone who is bothered by their spouse either using or looking at their phone is either

A) hiding something
Or
B) odd. Because why would you mind?

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 29/12/2018 00:04

Is Lesley not usually the female spelling and Leslie the male??

garethsouthgatesmrs · 29/12/2018 00:05

odd. Because why would you mind?

I would be furious if my dH snooped on my phone and then started accusing me.I am entitled to privacy, I am entitled to have elements of my life which I choose not to share with him. I do not report back to him every time I do something and if he started insinuating that I should I can imagine I would start to be more secretive and deliberately evasive which may include keeping colleagues, friendships and social events secret.

Jealousy and suspicion ruin relationships. No person controls or owns another.

GabsAlot · 29/12/2018 00:09

i would id be furious-but i wouldnt accuse my partner of having an affair because they looked at my phone

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 29/12/2018 00:10

My husband works at different sites, off and on. Sometimes for several months, sometimes only for a few days. I couldn't be fagged with him telling me about everyone he interacts with and if he went to lunch with them or not.

Either he's faithful or he's not. Either way, me knowing every detail of all his interactions is not going to stop anything happening if he choose unfaithfulness. Stressing about this kind of nonsense is a relationship killer.

Yinv · 29/12/2018 00:14

What is private from your spouse that you don’t want them seeing?

Mammylamb · 29/12/2018 00:20

OP: you sound like a controlling nightmare!

twattymctwatterson · 29/12/2018 00:25

What is he omitting? What is he hiding? I genuinely can't work it out other than he's not told you the names of every single person he deals with at work

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/12/2018 00:26

Controlling nightmare my arse!!!!!

If it was innocent then yes he would be pissed off and then show the OP the messages in a "SEE?! Now apologise for snooping!" but he didnt, he deleted everything.

If he had nothing to hide then he wouldnt have deleted.

I dont know if he is cheating, but he is certainly hiding something and that aint good.

TisTheSeasonToSparkle · 29/12/2018 00:36

Wow, major overreaction!!! Confused Lots of people sometimes talk to work colleagues even on their private phone. They probably did that because he's on holiday and not using work phone. I'd only be annoyed that his colleagues are bothering him while he's on holiday.

Have you been cheated on before? 🤔

DeepanKrispanEven · 29/12/2018 00:37

Shazza may well be client or work contact who is freakig out about a work related issue, therefore someone whom it is entirely appropriate to be discussed by a manager.

I can't see that it matters whether you had heard of the people in question as that is the norm. I certainly don't pay attention to them.

busybarbara · 29/12/2018 00:38

And has now stormed off, saying he should divorce me.

Split up with him before he gets a chance

EmeraldShamrock · 29/12/2018 00:40

His reaction is OTT.
Though I'm ondering if he keeps work relationships to himself as it is easier than having to explain every detail of his work relationship to yòu.
Do you usually need all the info on what he is doing? who he has saw?

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