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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of my niece calling me fat?

133 replies

SydneyFrexkle · 28/12/2018 17:05

She’s almost 8 and always makes comments about how big I am, how big my stomach is etc ... I’m a size 10/12.

I always pull her up on it and say how rude it is. But she still does it.

Aibu to think at 8 she should know not to say mean things?

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 28/12/2018 19:32

Beautyandthe she was rude but at 4 it's still normal. It's rude to say things likely to upset people who are not doing anything to upset or hurt you. It's only appropriate to call out a truth that will upset someone when ignoring that truth will cause a bigger problem to yourself or other bystanders.

So it's rude to say "that woman [minding her own business or saying good morning or doing anything where her weight has no impact on anyone else] is fat/ huge, because it's utterly unnecessary and probably upsetting. The only reason to mention someone's size might be in the unlikely event that they were using equipment which was unsafe over a weight limit especially if they would endanger others by doing so (a bouncy castle/ climbing equipment/ Multiperson fairground ride maybe - it wouldn't be an everyday occurance!)

You must know that. Obviously it's hard to explain to a 4 year old but it's something that you do gradually over time and by modelling.

Cherries101 · 28/12/2018 19:38

My dn is 6. Her mum is really thin, a size 2, and dn takes after her so everyone else is fat or has a big belly. But she only verbalizes it to family she knows won’t tell her off. Don’t take it personally or as an insult but do gently correct her — I keep reminding my dn that it isn’t polite to comment on someone’s appearance and leave it at that

BumDisease · 28/12/2018 19:39

"Stating a fact, zam, sizewise a size 10 (22" waist) is a lot bigger now than it was 20 years ago"

And other than being a sly dig at the OP, how is this relevant?

Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 19:41

I think if you were really fat you could feel justified in feeling offended. But seeing as you're actually quite thin it's nonsense, isn't it? Maybe she just says it to get a reaction? Remarks like this should just wash over your head - show her your flat belly and tell her she'll be a very lucky girl if she looks like this when she's grown up 😂

Kittykat93 · 28/12/2018 19:47

The parents should be putting a stop to this. This isn't toddlers blurting out comments - this is an eight year old who knows better. Totally rude and nasty behaviour and I'd be mortified if it was my child.

mbosnz · 28/12/2018 19:48

But she only verbalizes it to family she knows won’t tell her off.

So she knows it is inappropriate. I would tell her off. And also tell her that the really important things that matter about a person, how big their heart is, how generous their spirit is, has absolutely nothing to do with how small their waist is, what their dress size is. . or even what their IQ is.

ellendegeneres · 28/12/2018 19:50

My ds (not nt) asked this of me recently and was told very firmly that it’s unacceptable and you don’t know what’s going on with someone to cause their body shape and commenting on it can make the person very upset. Indeed my sis who’s tiny hated people asking ‘why are you so skinny’ which was down to a medical condition that was uncontrollable.

At 8, that shit needs to be nipped in the bud. Totally unacceptable and if it were my child I’d be coming down hard on this.

cathcath2 · 28/12/2018 19:55

YANBU. At 8, she knows right from wrong. Tell her that it isn't kind and that saying things like that can really upset people. Ask her how she would like people saying mean things about her/her mum. This is more than a child not thinking before they speak.
Also, speak to her parents. If they don't respond well, ask them what would happen if she says that to someone who has just lost a child through miscarriage? or has just had abdominal surgery? (Sometimes you have to be emotive to get parents to see that it isn't 'cute' or 'funny' that children keep saying these things).

bevelino · 28/12/2018 19:57

If her parents won’t discipline her point out her own imperfections and give her a taste of her own medicine.

CoraPirbright · 28/12/2018 20:05

Oh dear - how horrid! I wonder, how did you pull her up on it? Were you quite pleasant about it? If so, she might be unpleasantly thick-skinned and be purposefully ignoring you. Slightly reminds me of that bit in
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle where the mad nanny pulls the bullly aside and says that if he touches her charge again, she’ll break both his arms!! Haven’t we all wished we could do that....but pleasant, socially acceptable behaviour prevents this obvs!!

Frankly I would say VERY strongly to the brat “I am NOT fat and to say such a thing is very rude and horrid. If you say such a thing to me again, I will take you to your parents and ask you to explain to them your rudeness and then you will not be allowed to come back and see me until you can stop being horrid”.

She is 8 and unless you are about to do a massive drip feed of her being non-NT, she is being a fucking brat who damn well knows better. Stop being so nice!!

FixItUpChappie · 28/12/2018 20:09

there is a lot of viciousness in many of these suggested replies. Inappropriate.

Many childish mean spirited responses to a comment an 8yr old has made Confused

Set an example - pull her up on it gently, explain yourself with words and speak to her parents. Repeat.

ComedyBoobs · 28/12/2018 20:10

No, Bum, not a 'sly dig'. Who knows what 'size' the op is, or the size of anyone else on this thread. I prefer mens sizing, to be fair, based on waist, leg & chest size. It's more accurate than the 'I'm a size 10' rubbish that women have to contend with & get each others backs up about....besides, the op hasn't been back to commentHmm
I did state that comments about people's size are rude.

NotAlwaysAPushover · 28/12/2018 20:16

I think the nice approach has failed.
How about (in a loud stern voice): "How dare you speak to me like that. I've asked you not to. It stops NOW. You are old enough to understand how mean you're being."
The end.

Redcrayonisthebest · 28/12/2018 20:21

Bizarre! Where are her parents when this happens? I'd be very up front about it "you are being deliberately rude and it makes me not want to spend time with you" because if she doesn't learn consequences from her family then she will end up saying it to the wrong person.

cathcath2 · 28/12/2018 20:31

And the people come in all shapes and sizes talk, always makes me think of this:

WinterfellWench · 28/12/2018 20:33

I am baffled as to how anyone - even an 8 y.o. would call someone fat who is a size 10. Confused

Athena51 · 28/12/2018 20:37

I think continually saying that the OP isn't fat is missing the point, These comments aren't only rude because they are inaccurate - it's just bloody rude. It wouldn't matter if she was an 8 or a 28 commenting on people's bodies is rude and she needs to be told that very firmly.

UnleashTheBulsara · 28/12/2018 21:30

@disconnecteddrifter

I thought the same as ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser, your ds does sound as though he may well be autistic. A lot of things you have said about him are indicative of not being neurotypical. It would not do any harm to look into this further, although school may be reluctant to support you in this as he is academically able (some are, better schools will want to be able to support pupils in social aspects as well).

Your ds sounds impulsive and may continue to blurt out unwelcome comments (and I bet he does this to kids at school too) but this is likely because his brain's ability to process we-do-not-make-personal-remarks is impaired. So it is not a character flaw of your DS's personality, more like a symptom of ASD (if he is autistic).

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 28/12/2018 21:31

Exactly Athena

The child knows hat her aunt isn't fat - she is just being mean and spiteful for some reason known only to her. Perhaps she is a little bully who gets a kick from being unkind to people knowing her parents won't admonish her?

Not a nice child, anyway. For her own sake she needs to be checked.

Verbena87 · 28/12/2018 21:38

Show her what JK Rowling has to say, which is “is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me”

This is a good thought too:-

“How much did Florence Nightingale weigh when she founded modern nursing? How much did Rosa Parks weigh when she took her seat on that Alabama bus? How much did Malala Yousafzai weigh when she started writing about the lives of girls in Pakistan under Taliban rule? You don’t know? That’s the right answer! Because it doesn’t matter.”
Martha Beck

TisTheSeasonToSparkle · 28/12/2018 21:41

Seems the OP wasn't bothered enough to come back. Weird. Hmm

Bibijayne · 28/12/2018 21:44

Does she have issues with her own perception of size? I developed bulimia at the age of 8. Lots of reasons, but I had a warped idea as to normal size.

Whatever, it's important to be firm and to talk to her mum and dad.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/12/2018 21:50

The fact that size 8-10 is by no stretch of anyone's imagination remotely fat is neither here nor there.
Even you were size 30 and 27 stone.
She shouldn't be so bloody rude.
Where are her parents while this is going on.

XmasPostmanBos · 28/12/2018 21:52

Yes pass on to your DN that how you look is the least important thing about you.

pineapplebryanbrown · 28/12/2018 22:00

I'm not sure how i would combat this really, if it's coming straight from the parents not really the child's fault. I think I'd say. "oh that's made me sad, i hate it when you say mean things".

I am fat and don't mind if a very young child or someone not NT comments. I just nod and say "correct!" - it's just a statement of fact.