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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of my niece calling me fat?

133 replies

SydneyFrexkle · 28/12/2018 17:05

She’s almost 8 and always makes comments about how big I am, how big my stomach is etc ... I’m a size 10/12.

I always pull her up on it and say how rude it is. But she still does it.

Aibu to think at 8 she should know not to say mean things?

OP posts:
littlecloudling · 28/12/2018 18:03

She's saying it because she is hearing from another adult.... who?

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 28/12/2018 18:04

I know weight is a very sensitive issue for a lot of women, but there is a lot of viciousness in many of these suggested replies. Inappropriate.

What does she say exactly? 'Big'? 'Fat'? How often does she say it? How have the comments been tackled in the past? What shape is her mother? Is she getting this obsession with body shape/size from her?

I'd be less concerned with 'sitting on' her Shock than wondering where this was coming from and whether this was a child on the way to an eating disorder. I think I'd probably sit her down - calmly, with no emotional reaction (in case that's what she's after) - and ask her what she meant exactly and why she was saying it. If it's meanness that will put her on the spot enough to get her to pipe down in future, if there's something else behind it this may give you an idea.

BumDisease · 28/12/2018 18:04

Probably going to be unpopular but I'd be tempted to pick out something about her and comment on it the next time she says anything. See how she likes it!

MumW · 28/12/2018 18:06

Have you tried asking her why she thinks you're fat and tackle it from a slightly different angke?

FrancisCrawford · 28/12/2018 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posthistoricmonsters · 28/12/2018 18:13

My youngest is eight in May. She has special needs but no firm diagnosis yet. She's slim as a whippet, but is hung up on her appearance. I think this may be why she picks on her sister and calls her ugly or fat. Her sister and myself are short and dumpy built. If that makes sense. I'm obese bit wasn't always. My eldest is a normal weight but is stumpy and just built differently to my youngest. We try to talk to her about it and we also reassure her she's beautiful and there's nothing wrong with her. We don't know where she gets it from. It could be that your niece is the same.

Rudgie47 · 28/12/2018 18:14

The issue here is with her parents really.
I wouldn't be around any of them again, the parents have no respect for you at all OP.

Banterlope · 28/12/2018 18:14

Many years ago my six-year-old daughter told someone in the swimming pool that they had 'very well developed boobs'. The poor chap was not impressed and neither was I

WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow · 28/12/2018 18:17

Sorry @Banterlope, but I'm howling at that. Kids really don't think before they speak and in her mind it was a compliment Grin

My nine year old nephew is horrified that I've lost some weight because he likes me squashy because I'm good for cuddling Grin Luckily for him I've a long way to go before I'm no longer squashy.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 28/12/2018 18:17

Smile and say "yes dear, but at least I'm not a horrible person like you".

Gth1234 · 28/12/2018 18:19

ignore it. 10/12 is tiny, but not like a stick insect 8.
She's probably jealous.

MidiMitch · 28/12/2018 18:20

The word fat is banned in my house. My DS thinks it's a swear word - just so rude.

MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2018 18:21

‘That’s not kind, it’s not true and I never want to hear you say that or anything else so horrid again.’

In front of her parents. ( I have a dn and dn who are like this, basically as a result of being encouraged to ‘speak their minds.’)

disconnecteddrifter · 28/12/2018 18:23

My 8 year old ds says things like this. It's mortifying. I pull him up on it every single time. He told a friend who was looking after him that she looks like a bin lady and said to another friend that she must hide things in her wrinkles. I'm literally mortified. I said immediately 'that is a very rude thing to do, you know to not comment on people's appearances' he apologised and I took away screen time for two days but he keeps doing it. Apart from that he is lovely, quirky but lovely. For all those saying it must be what the parents say or parents aren't disciplining etc it's not true in my case. What can I do?

Banterlope · 28/12/2018 18:24

Kids really don't think before they speak

I think that might be the cause of the OP's problem, and not necessarily the case that the child was being a bitch. It's a sensitive subject and sometimes they just don't engage their brain, or they know that it gets a reaction…

InsomniacAnonymous · 28/12/2018 18:28

"ignore it. 10/12 is tiny, but not like a stick insect 8."

You sound as bad as the OP's niece, Gth1234 That's very insulting to anyone who is size 8.

Wenttoseainasieve · 28/12/2018 18:29

@Gth1234 Was it really necessary to refer to size 8 women as 'stick insects'??

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/12/2018 18:29

I would also suspect she's parroting opinions held by her parents, you should talk to them about it, see which one looks embarrassed!

blueskiesandforests · 28/12/2018 18:32

disconnecteddrifter taking screen time away is utterly arbitrary and unconnected to saying something hurtful. You need a consequence that is connected to what he did. With my kids it was enough to talk about how it makes people feel - how do you think she felt? Do you think you made her sad? Would you like it if friends of yours said that about me? What if someone said mean things about you and made you sad?

Reading books which lead you to empathise with characters who are called names can help too.

A child still doing that at 8 despite having been forced to consider the possible consequences of their actions in more depth than they might want to probably needs a bit of help developing age appropriate empathy, using books, pictures and social stories and deliberately focussing on building that skill guided by a parent.

Gth1234 · 28/12/2018 18:35

apologies for upsetting other forum members. Certainly not my intention

ginghamstarfish · 28/12/2018 18:38

I'd stop spending any time with her - you've told her and she continues = rude and undisciplined little madam. If anyone asks why you don't see her tell them.

disconnecteddrifter · 28/12/2018 18:38

Thank you blueskys. We have had many chats about how it hurts peoples feelings, empathy etc but not looked into books. I take away the screen because it's so frustrating and I'm at my wits end. He doesn't have any invites to birthday parties or many play dates. He says he's an introvert and people drain his batteries but his teachers say he's popular at school and he's very mature for his age and very academically able. It's so frustrating and judging by these comments and what I know deep down it reflects really badly on me. I don't know if he's trying to be funny, he's always sorry and does it again:(

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 28/12/2018 18:40

I would tell her in front of her parents that she's a horrible rude child and I don't spend time with people like that so I won't be seeing her until she's learned to behave.

dorisdog · 28/12/2018 18:40

I know a young girl who used to say similar to me. I'm also a size 10/12, but with a tummy that sticks out a bit. A member of her family had real issues around food and weight and talked about it a lot, and I suspect it was because of that. I'd be worried about where she's picking up concerns/language around weight/size etc. Her parents should be pulling it up on it, though. IMO.

Touchmybum · 28/12/2018 18:41

Either tackle her parents, or take her to one side and tell her that, if she continues to make mean comments, you don't want to spend any time with her.