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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend only bought DS one present...

327 replies

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 13:25

Been with boyfriend for 1 year. He’s been regularly seeing DS (7) since 6 months into our relationship.

DS is born on Christmas Eve. I expressed to him that I find it really cheeky, cheap and mean when people try to combine his Christmas and birthday present. You wouldn’t do it at any other time of year. Fair enough if it’s a massive or expensive gift that you would have done as a joint anyway, but using the excuse that he is born near Christmas to only get him one thing I find mean and stingy.

We had a big conversation about this and he said he thought I was being rude by expecting two gifts. Of course people would combine due to the time of year. I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son. You wouldn’t combine a summer born child’s present with Christmas, you’d be told you were a CF. As I said, expensive gifts I understand, but otherwise no.

Anyway, the day comes around and low and behold he gives my son a combined Christmas and birthday gift. It cost around £10. I don’t care about the price, he could’ve got him two gifts for £5 each. One for birthday, one for Christmas. It’s not about the price, it’s about the principle.

AIBU to think he’s been a complete arse considering he knew my stance on the matter? We’ve only been together a short while so I wouldn’t have really expected him to get him anything. But it feels like he has intentionally done this to make some sort of sanctimonious point?

OP posts:
NottonightJosepheen · 28/12/2018 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderhidcote · 28/12/2018 18:50

If I was 7 and I knew my Mum had a boyfriend I would imagine that I would want to meet him after half a year (a very long time for a 7 year old). If I was not introduced I would imagine that somehow I was not important enough? Just speculating as had no direct experience but as usual there is someone who has to insist their way is the only correct way to go about things. Not true, never true and very tedious. Please go and post on the boring taking down the decs threads and judge on something that really does not matter.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/12/2018 18:50

There was a long thread in the last few weeks where lots of posters who either have Christmas birthdays or their DC do said how hurtful they found the joint gift thing. It made people feel like others got a fuss made on their birthdays but Christmas birthdays were overshadowed or even completely forgotten. There were many examples of really inconsiderate behaviour from relatives and friends or even parents that DC were definitely aware of and hurt by. The Op is quite right to be firm with the people in her life that she won't put up with thoughtless behaviour towards her child, why should they be grateful when someone demonstrates how little consideration they gave the dc?

Op whatever his opinion on joint gifts he knows it's something you feel strongly about yet has deliberately done this. He's used your child's birthday as an opportunity to put you in your place, to show you 'I'll do what I like irrespective of your feelings". As you've said he could have bought two gifts for the same amount of money but he preferred to needle you instead. I think that says something about him and for me he wouldn't be a long term prospect.

NOTthepinkranger · 28/12/2018 18:51

Cheeky .. of you not him.

Blondie1993 · 28/12/2018 18:57

I don’t think it’s right for parents to combine children’s birthday/Christmas presents but fine for anyone else to. No one else is obligated to buy your child anything so to me you should accept any gift for them graciously. Especially from a non family member! It’s your job to make your DS birthday special and yours alone.

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 18:59

Sounds like he was doing it deliberately since you'd already had the conversation. I think YANBU. You've been together a year it was natural for him to get a birthday and Christmas present.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2018 19:02

Its an interesting thread

He should be on his best behaviour and do as he is told.

But its ok for the OP to make demands or else.

This has all the hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship.

ISdads · 28/12/2018 19:10

And does it happen often to you, Blondie, the joint present thing?

ISdads · 28/12/2018 19:11

Maybe you can pass on your tips for accepting gracefully? I just tell people to fuck off when they donit.

Mummadeeze · 28/12/2018 19:14

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Very mean and thoughtless behaviour on his part. Towards you and your son.

Justkeeprollingalong · 28/12/2018 19:19

My birthday is a couple of days after Christmas; as a child I would often get a gift on Christmas Day and be told 'this is for your birthday too' but it was never anything more significant than what any of the other children received. Even now I get 'oh I forgot because of Christmas'. But my birthday is this day every year - plan ahead!
YANBU OP.

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 19:19

Agree it's an interesting thread.

I don't read it as the OP telling him what to do. She was making her feelings known about something important to her. He made a choice that meant he KNEW she would be disappointed in and possibly cross with him. Why would you deliberately piss somebody off if you allegedly cared about them ?

StickingWithEasy · 28/12/2018 19:22

If he's only known your son 6months how did he get him an Easter Egg? Easter was more like 9months ago

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/12/2018 19:23

It's all very well to say no one is obliged to buy your child anything but if they choose to buy them a present they really shouldn't use that as an opportunity to make a point to the child's mother! This guy knew the Ops views yet he used the child's birthday to send her a message. Why do that? It really doesn't suggest any particular fondness for the little boy himself.

Honestly some mumsnetters are bloody obsessed with telling people to just be grateful no matter how passive aggressive the giver is being or how loaded the message they're sending with their choice of gift.

jumperoonie · 28/12/2018 19:24

@StickingWithEasy because they've been together a year, so he bought him an Easter egg without having met him, meaning really he should have bothered to get two separate gifts...

MoaningSickness · 28/12/2018 19:25

I disagree with the OPs stance on presents, but that's totally irrelevant, as the boyfriend is not trying to date me, he's trying to date her. If you care you listen to what matters to a partner and act accordingly. He didn't. In OPs place I would talk to him, and unless he had forgotten about the original conversation and was genuinely sorry (and made amends), I'd end it.

Original poster
notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 19:25

I’ve never told him that he has to get DS anything. We had a general conversation about combining presents, and I expressed how stingy and wrong I thought it to be. He has then gone ahead and bought one combination present. I’m not sure how that makes me demanding Hmm

OP posts:
ISdads · 28/12/2018 19:27

It doesn't make you demanding.

He could have just called it a xmas present. Or a bday present. But oh no ... it had to be a combination! You did well not to tell him to fuck off then and there. Well done.

Original poster
notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 19:28

It’s not about the gift. I would be (as well as DS) grateful with haribo from Poundland. It’s the fact he’s clearly remembered the conversation (it lasted about 20 minutes, so not a passing comment) yet he’s gone ahead and disregarded my feelings totally on the matter.

OP posts:
ISdads · 28/12/2018 19:30

Yeah, I know. I get it. He knows. He is a dick.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2018 19:31

nicenewdusters

I have no idea how the OP or her BF meant what they have done.
Its more the polarisation of views surrounding the thread.

Its a shame that the OP and her BF won't be able to discuss this without the OP having being influenced by the bias of people on the internet.

irnbruforlife · 28/12/2018 19:34

Yanbu. It's cheap. And you have to ask yourself what is his motives since you specifically asked him not to do this. I'd get rid asap. No one likes a cheap ass or a point scorer, not attractive traits.

Seniorschoolmum · 28/12/2018 19:39

Having thought about this all afternoon, is it your bf’s way of saying that while he’s happy to be your bf, he is not interested in being a surrogate dad or even a male role model ?

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 19:46

I don't think the OP will have been influenced by the bias of people on the internet. Some have vehemently disagreed with her, others have totally sympathised. She appears to know how she feels about his actions, it's now a case of how/whether it affects things between them.

Thetruthwillout80 · 28/12/2018 19:47

I'd be asking him why he did the opposite of what I'd demanded

"Why did you do the opposite of what I demanded?"

Yep, I imagine that convo would go down like a lead balloon, too Grin