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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP they're not staying?

150 replies

NomsQualityStreets · 28/12/2018 08:26

DP is very passionate about his hobby and has now taken on a proactive/responsible role in the club that he is in.
Last month he announced that his friend who lives abroad but used to live here in the UK (I met him a few times) and his relative are visiting soon as he's also involved in the hobby and they will be going to a talk/seminar about it and will be doing a few more bits to do with it whilst he's here and they will stay with us.
I told him very clearly that this won't work and to make alternative arrangements , we have a small 2 bed terrace with 2 DCs who are 1yo and 3yo and a DDog and we are already overcrowded. DC1 is in the box room and DC2 is still in our bedroom in the cot as he wakes up sometimes, downstairs consists only of a kitchen and small lounge which gets occupied as soon as either of the DCs wake up which could be as early as 5.45 am. Also the dog needs letting out in the morning around 6am and she usually sleeps in the lounge.

Anyway he mentioned this month about the friends visiting and I asked what have they done about the sleeping arrangements and he said they will just have to stay in the lounge on a blow up mattress.
AIBU to tell him that's not happening unless he wants me and the DCs to bugger off to my parents for the whole time they're here? Im not very social and need my space, I hate hosting and the idea of being potentially stuck at home with the non English speaking relative of dhs friend and having to entertain/host and the sheer awkwardness is already making me twitch - he assures me that wont happen and relative is coming with them but I don't buy it.
And the general idea of us all just kind of shuffling past each other to get anywhere and cramming ourselves into the small spaces of the house just makes me feel exhausted already.
AIBU?

OP posts:

wednesday32 · 28/12/2018 10:02

You are completely right to say the house isn't suitable to host for three nights but rather than make the whole thing sound like a negative why not say the following 'as we are not able to host them over their visit, shall we send them some local b&b options and see if we can assist in booking them a room and maybe we could invite them round for dinner one evening?' this sounds more like a compromise than 'no they're not staying'.

HavelockVetinari · 28/12/2018 10:04

Ugh, your DP sounds incredibly thoughtless. It's obvious you don't have space - are they going to get up and out of the way at 6am every morning so you can feed the DC etc.? And definitely put the kibosh on being left with the random relative whilst your DP fucks off to do his hobby with his mate!

kateandme · 28/12/2018 10:11

I have a feeling ull stay anyway.

Piewife · 28/12/2018 10:14

We used to live in a similar sized house, but only 1 DC at the time and a cat. Occasionally MIL and her partner or a couple of our friends would come to stay for a night or two (also on airbed in the living room) and it was very cramped. No way I'd have had two men I didn't know coming to stay for three nights (especially when your DH doesn't even know one of them). Nobody would be staying if we had 2 DCs and a dog in there, it wouldn't be comfortable for anyone.

You've said no, for good reason, and your DH should respect that.

CantWaitToRetire · 28/12/2018 10:15

People are saying put the 3yo in with the parents and the guests in the child’s room. OP has already said it’s a small 2 bed terrace and DC 2 is in their room in a cot, so there probably isn’t room for a mattress on the floor too. Also, DC1’s room is a box room and will have a small bed in it. Where are they supposed to put the child’s bed so that it can accommodate a blow up mattress, assuming it’s even big enough?

I can’t see this working. The dog will need to be put somewhere else and you need access to your lounge early once the DCs are awake. Are you supposed to flick on the lights and say “wakey wakey, time to get up!”

geekone · 28/12/2018 10:16

I don’t get this. My DH would say to me just to let you know x is coming to stay on y date and I would do the same vice versa I don’t understand needing to ask permission to have people to stay in your own home. I assume you both pay towards it?

Jenasaurus · 28/12/2018 10:18

I think you need to reiterate that its just not possible to accommodate his friends in such a small space, I would suggest to your DH to go half on the cost of a B&B for them, therefore making it a less expensive option for both parties.

Coronapop · 28/12/2018 10:19

On second thoughts don't go to your parents, stay in bed for the whole 3 days with 'flu' and let DH cope with the chaos. That should ensure he doesn't repeat his mistake.

TheBigBangRocks · 28/12/2018 10:27

It's three nights and your DP is an adult not your child so can make decisions too.

If this was a reverse nobody would be saying your friend shouldn't stay and that your DP had no right to control everything l

Lizzie48 · 28/12/2018 10:31

For those saying that the OP is being unreasonable, how would you think it's possible for them to put up 2 houseguests? The 3 year old's bedroom is a box room, and they already have a cot in their bedroom, how is a blow up bed going to fit in their bedroom as well? Then downstairs they have their dog.

It's all very well saying that it's his house, too, and if he can't have houseguests then neither can she. I think that's her point, that it just isn't possible!

We've gone away to visit friends and family plenty of times; if they don't have room to put us up, we're quite happy to stay in B&Bs or rented s cottage, it isn't their problem if it costs a bit to do that. I would never expect to stay there if there isn't room for us!

ZenNudist · 28/12/2018 10:32

not something that I would really do but it would be very satisfying to arrange to go to your parents but make sure you're there when they arrive and then you can tell them exactly why you are leaving. So I'm having to move out because there is no space in this house for all of us.

Kintan · 28/12/2018 10:34

I can’t believe the amount of poster suggesting with glee that the OP ‘punishes’ her DH in some way for daring to have some friends stay for three measly nights in his own home! I can’t imagine having to ask permission to have friends stay and wouldn’t expect my husband to either!

Shinypebbler · 28/12/2018 10:36

Umm TheBigBangRocks I would actually look at it like this - they are married. They are not housemates. They are a partnership. They are supposed to give more of a shit about each other than themselves. It's all about being reasonable. If OP was saying she didn't want these people coming over and taking her husband away from her for 3 days. That would be unreasonable. That would be impacting negatively on his life. They can quite simply stay locally somewhere and still get together all the time without everyone walking all over one another in one tiny house. I have a consuming hobby which involves people getting together from all over the world. A hobby my DH and DC are also very involved it. I STILL wouldnt have what are effectively strangers camping in my tiny house for 3 days. If you let them stay this time, you are setting a precedent for next time. It depends how in tune you are with your DH and whether your comfort is important to him or not.

Cromercrab · 28/12/2018 10:41

But why is not leaving for the weekend to take the children to visit with their grandparents not a good option (assuming everyone gets on well and this would work)? children and OP get a nice weekend with no awkward encounters with strangers, grandparents get a nice weekend with grandchildren and daughter, husband gets a nice weekend with his fellow hobbyists.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:50

I’d say blow up mattress in your room for 3 year old and another one in ‘box’ room so guests can have that one. Sitting room is then free.

Good idea, if I know three year olds they definitely won't wake up all the time because the mattress feels funny and they're not in their room.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/12/2018 10:50

its not even manageable, yanbu, he needs to have a reality check

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:51

If you live in a tiny house with toddlers and are happy having strangers around without any input, that's fine. The OP isn't.

I like marmite not everyone does. They aren't unreasonable for not wanting to be forcefed marmite.

MulticolourMophead · 28/12/2018 10:51

I don't think OP is being unreasonable here.

It's clear her DH invited them before anything was discussed at home. And there is the space issue. If OP did have more room I'd guess she wouldn't mind so much that strangers are coming to stay.

llangennith · 28/12/2018 10:52

YANBU. Tell your DH to find them an AirB&B or nearest Travel Lodge.

Holidayshopping · 28/12/2018 10:53

Did your DH agree to them staying before he discussed it with you?

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:53

OP he doesn't need permission to have friends over. You don't need permission to go away without the children. Obviously your husband's idea of partnership are very different.

Go away to a hotel for 2 days without the kids and allow him the privilege of the full house.

PowerPantsRule · 28/12/2018 10:54

What is the hobby? (Yes I know this is irrelevant but I want to know what makes people travel abroad to do it and I am nosey).

ShesABelter · 28/12/2018 10:55

Personally as it's a very rare thing, I'd just go stay at my parents for a few days and leave them to it.

MulticolourMophead · 28/12/2018 10:55

Cromercrab if the OP goes and visits parents this time, it's likely the DH will take this as a green light to repeat in future. After all, he's not been bothered so far with OP's comfort.

trojanpony · 28/12/2018 11:00

Yanbu

Be warned: If you bugger off for the weekend to the parents expect to come back to bombsite rather than a clean home with a well stocked fridge

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