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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP they're not staying?

150 replies

NomsQualityStreets · 28/12/2018 08:26

DP is very passionate about his hobby and has now taken on a proactive/responsible role in the club that he is in.
Last month he announced that his friend who lives abroad but used to live here in the UK (I met him a few times) and his relative are visiting soon as he's also involved in the hobby and they will be going to a talk/seminar about it and will be doing a few more bits to do with it whilst he's here and they will stay with us.
I told him very clearly that this won't work and to make alternative arrangements , we have a small 2 bed terrace with 2 DCs who are 1yo and 3yo and a DDog and we are already overcrowded. DC1 is in the box room and DC2 is still in our bedroom in the cot as he wakes up sometimes, downstairs consists only of a kitchen and small lounge which gets occupied as soon as either of the DCs wake up which could be as early as 5.45 am. Also the dog needs letting out in the morning around 6am and she usually sleeps in the lounge.

Anyway he mentioned this month about the friends visiting and I asked what have they done about the sleeping arrangements and he said they will just have to stay in the lounge on a blow up mattress.
AIBU to tell him that's not happening unless he wants me and the DCs to bugger off to my parents for the whole time they're here? Im not very social and need my space, I hate hosting and the idea of being potentially stuck at home with the non English speaking relative of dhs friend and having to entertain/host and the sheer awkwardness is already making me twitch - he assures me that wont happen and relative is coming with them but I don't buy it.
And the general idea of us all just kind of shuffling past each other to get anywhere and cramming ourselves into the small spaces of the house just makes me feel exhausted already.
AIBU?

OP posts:

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 28/12/2018 08:58

I'd take the kids for a nice visit to your parents and leave him to it. I can see this going on and on with him making promises and then in the end you'll be stuck with houseguests and you'll still be expected to entertain and cook. If you're not there it's not your problem and maybe he'll think twice next time about going against your wishes

Shinypebbler · 28/12/2018 08:59

If I had said no to my DH, that would be that. It would never push it and would probably agree with me. He'd only even suggest it if they were mutual friends of ours. Your DH is being selfish. These people need to stay in a hotel or B&B. It's a massive intrusion. If he insists on them staying, definitely do away. 3 days is a bloody long time as a stranger in your own home surrounded by conversation you can't understand!

GertrudeCB · 28/12/2018 08:59

You've already said no - end of.
If he insists then leave for the weekend.

Shinypebbler · 28/12/2018 09:00

definitely go away that should read

Original poster

NomsQualityStreets · 28/12/2018 09:00

We're quite rural and hotel/B&B are really expensive and I'm not blaming the friends as they did ask DP if he can sort out accommodation as they don't mind crashing anywhere and he readily agreed.

OP posts:

KnightlyMyMan · 28/12/2018 09:02

🤔 In situations/threads like this women always seem to mention going to their parents as though this is some big punishment for the DP!

Now I’m not your DP OP but even I can see that you and the DC going to your parents will give DP the run of the house, with his guests, to do their hobby - without any noisy - early waking children or you being annoyed over the whole situation!

Before you go ‘threatening’ to go to your parents I would consider that it’s actually DP’s best possible outcome!

That being said, if you don’t mind a weekend with your parents then maybe agree with DP that you will give him the house on the understanding that this is a one off event and they will not come visiting/ staying on a regular/annual basis

Returnofthesmileybar · 28/12/2018 09:03

No way! On what planet is it ok to invited overnight guests without discussing first

Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 09:03

We're quite rural and hotel/B&B are really expensive and I'm not blaming the friends as they did ask DP if he can sort out accommodation as they don't mind crashing anywhere and he readily agreed.

So why start this thread if you've already decided it's ok for them to crash at yours as local hotel accommodation is a challenge ?

No one is suggesting that you ARE blaming the friends

Sometimes.....

Kintan · 28/12/2018 09:05

It’s only for 3 nights - shouldn’t your DH be allowed to have people stay if it isn’t a regular occurrence? Especially if he is prepared to do all the hosting. Maybe after the 1st night they’ll realise how cramped it is and make alternative arrangements anyway. If you have the option of going to your mum’s I’d just do that and leave them all to it.

Veryflummoxed · 28/12/2018 09:06

I can see both sides to this, why he wants it and why you will find it too difficult. If you are happy to go to your parents that seems to me to be the best outcome for everyone. You get a nice trip away with the children. He gets to do his hobby with his friend. Win win.

madcatladyforever · 28/12/2018 09:06

For goodness sake no not in a small house with two children under 5. I can't imagine that will be particularly joyful for the guests either. They will have no space to relax in and they may not be keen on noisy young children. So innappropriate.
If he insists definitely go to your mums.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:07

She didn’t decide that though Gina

wakemewhenitsallover · 28/12/2018 09:07

It's his house too. If he's going to look after his guests then yes, YABU - and MN has a disproportionate number of anti-social people on it!

Having friends to stay is a perfectly normal thing to do, even if you have a small house.

If it was a regular thing and you really hated it, that's be different. But as a one off, YABU to tell your DH he can't have friends to stay- as he would be just as unreasonable if you wanted friends to stay for a special occasion.

It sounds like they'll be out, mostly?

Why don't you suggest they eat out at least one of the days? And yes, why not go to your parents for a day or two if it makes it easier.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:09

The op doesn’t want a “nice trip “ away or one would have been planned already she’s being forced into one without another option

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 28/12/2018 09:09

I thought the same Gina2012!!! Bugger the expense OP ..you dont want guests and I so don;t blame you for that but you need a solution.Expensive or not its down to DP to sort ,,,I would stand the expense if it meant i had my home to myself...If you are rural is there a youth hostel nearby? They are really cheap

rabbitfoodadvocate · 28/12/2018 09:09

Don't leave your own bloody house or it will become an annual event!

Kindly but firmly say you are not happy with the arrangements and they will have to stay elsewhere but are welcome for dinner one evening. End of. No compromising, no arguing, just say no.

GhostSauce · 28/12/2018 09:09

Why aren't they staying with the relatives they're coming to visit?

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:10

She also gets to do sole childcare in that scenario so he can have his friends over.

Oppose he normally override you in family decisions? It shouldn’t be a dictatorship

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:11

Leave the kids with him and go to your parents op. It’s got to be done

QueenArnica · 28/12/2018 09:11

I get that it will be cramped but 3 nights isn’t so bad. I just don’t get how you can just say no when the house presumably belongs to both of you and your dh is just supposed to listen and do what YOU want.

All the posters saying he’s selfish etc, why is he, because he hasn’t agreed? Give it a go OP it really isn’t that long

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/12/2018 09:12

Tent in the garden?

I do feel for you but it's nice to be nice.

Or maybe you would enjoy a visit to your parents.

Don't dig your heels in for the sake of it but make sure your partner's actually listening to your concerns, not just brushing them off.

Shinypebbler · 28/12/2018 09:14

B&B too expensive ? I live rurally too and actually someone wants to come over from Finland to see us regarding our hobby which they can but I'm not bloody well putting them up! It's kind of tough shit that it's expensive isn't it? They don't have to come. Sorry but you feel strongly about them not staying (which is totally understandable) or you don't.

I agree with a PP, fine yes you can escape to your parents but you must certainly shouldn't have to. It's your home and you get to call the shots on who stays as much as your DH does. My first call is tell your DH NO. If he is a total twat and ignores you, LTB permanently, or less dramatically, stay with your folks and then issue punishment on your return!

cuppycakey · 28/12/2018 09:14

I would not leave my home and go to parents - you will be playing right into his hands. He will have a lovely time with his friends and plenty of space!

I would stick to your guns and say no. If they turn up you will be telling them they are not welcome, will not make any concessions for them.

If you cannot face that, don't go to parents, go somewhere nice as PP have suggested. Long weekend in Paris?

Oomph · 28/12/2018 09:14

I’d be making arrangements to visit your parents as of now. That set up is the stuff of nightmares!

InspectorIkmen · 28/12/2018 09:15

What is the hobby?

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