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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP they're not staying?

150 replies

NomsQualityStreets · 28/12/2018 08:26

DP is very passionate about his hobby and has now taken on a proactive/responsible role in the club that he is in.
Last month he announced that his friend who lives abroad but used to live here in the UK (I met him a few times) and his relative are visiting soon as he's also involved in the hobby and they will be going to a talk/seminar about it and will be doing a few more bits to do with it whilst he's here and they will stay with us.
I told him very clearly that this won't work and to make alternative arrangements , we have a small 2 bed terrace with 2 DCs who are 1yo and 3yo and a DDog and we are already overcrowded. DC1 is in the box room and DC2 is still in our bedroom in the cot as he wakes up sometimes, downstairs consists only of a kitchen and small lounge which gets occupied as soon as either of the DCs wake up which could be as early as 5.45 am. Also the dog needs letting out in the morning around 6am and she usually sleeps in the lounge.

Anyway he mentioned this month about the friends visiting and I asked what have they done about the sleeping arrangements and he said they will just have to stay in the lounge on a blow up mattress.
AIBU to tell him that's not happening unless he wants me and the DCs to bugger off to my parents for the whole time they're here? Im not very social and need my space, I hate hosting and the idea of being potentially stuck at home with the non English speaking relative of dhs friend and having to entertain/host and the sheer awkwardness is already making me twitch - he assures me that wont happen and relative is coming with them but I don't buy it.
And the general idea of us all just kind of shuffling past each other to get anywhere and cramming ourselves into the small spaces of the house just makes me feel exhausted already.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 28/12/2018 09:15

If DH isn't allowed people to stay over, then neither are you OP. Do you want to be that inflexible? I do understand it will be a hassle, but if you laid some rules down e.g. they have to be up early as lounge is in use, and DH does the cooking, and you don't have to speak to them would it be ok?

Allthewaves · 28/12/2018 09:16

I'd go to your parents and let dp get on with it

Shinypebbler · 28/12/2018 09:16

3 nights is a long time with relative strangers in a very small house when there is already 4 people living there. Your DH should be making an effort to find accommodation for them but not force it on his own family.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2018 09:19

I'd take the kids away to your mum's as well.
You'll end up doing far too much of the work if you stay.
Leave your DH to it - he might think twice about doing it again if he actually has to deal with it all by himself!

Mayrhofen · 28/12/2018 09:19

I would definitely be searching B&Bs or Airbnb. I live in a boring northern town with no touristy features whatsoever. We have people that do AirBNB!

If you are rural I am pretty sure there is some farm within a few miles that would do similar.

I really get you OP, no way would I be living in a 2 bed with a random stranger, sharing my bathroom and kitchen. Will said random stranger want to actually share a room with the dog? 3 days sounds like a nightmare.

JessicaJonesJacket · 28/12/2018 09:25

I don't understand why people are saying don't go to your parents because that means he'll have a nice time. Why can't he have a nice time with his friend? It's his house too.
In lots of cultures, having people to stay is about friendship and hosting. It's not about providing optimal accommodation.
I think it is difficult if you and your DH have different views about having friends to stay but I don't think it is fair that either of you can just say no rather than come up with a solution that works for you both.

Lovemusic33 · 28/12/2018 09:26

I would tell them to find a travel lodge or b&b. No way would I want people staying in my lounge with my 2 kids in the house (they would be woken very early).

Isleepinahedgefund · 28/12/2018 09:27

I’d plan a nice weekend with the kids at your mum’s house and leave him to it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal - if he can unilaterally decide that they’re staying with you, you can also unilaterally decide to be elsewhere.

DeepanKrispanEven · 28/12/2018 09:33

We're quite rural and hotel/B&B are really expensive

You'd probably find that AirBnB isn't. I stayed in one on the Cornwall coast at the height of the holiday season and spent less than half of what it would have cost me to stay in a hotel.

PollyFlinderz · 28/12/2018 09:34

Op, I think your husband has been a bit daft and got carried away with his new role in the club and whilst I agree having the visitors to stay won’t be ideal I would welcome them whilst saying to to my husband - this is a one off to help you out with something you probably said on the spur of the moment.

Could you put your 3 year old in with you and give the guests a blow up mattress in the room so your sitting room is free for you in the morning?

One of the problems with being as inflexible as you’re being is the reality that one day it could all just backfire on you when you least need it to.

Non English speaking guest? I’ve had this often and you can actually get round it. And you never know, you might just end up having a nice time.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:35

don't understand why people are saying don't go to your parents because that means he'll have a nice time. Why can't he have a nice time with his friend? It's his house too. In lots of cultures, having people to stay is about friendship and hosting. It's n

Name a culture where it’s standard for the dad to leave the family home with the children to accommodate his wife’s hobby?

FestiveNut · 28/12/2018 09:38

Get DP to have the kids in the morning while you have a lie-in? Then he can sort out what to do with them.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2018 09:39

It's completely impractical for the OP to have guests staying in their family home. Not only are the people strangers but there isn't enough room.The visitors might bring hobby-related stuff, e.g. bikes or kit.

DeepanKrispanEven · 28/12/2018 09:40

PollyFlinderz, it's not less than ideal, it's near-impossible. How is OP supposed to cope with two extra adults in a house that's already too small, where is the dog supposed to go, what are they supposed to do about the fact that the children will want to use the lounge early in the mornings, how does the family cope with the guests plus a dirty great blow-up mattress? The whole idea is just ridiculous.

Coronapop · 28/12/2018 09:43

YANBU they should book a hotel and perhaps visit for a meal (cooked by DH). Your plan of going away for the few days they are there if DH won't budge is very sensible. You are right about your house not being practical for visitors.

Kleinzeit · 28/12/2018 09:44

Yes of course, arrange to go off to your parents with the kids and leave him to it. They'll all be fine. They've come for the hobby, not to visit your family.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/12/2018 09:46

Your DH has obviously already told them they're welcome to stay. Either he had already offered to host them before checking with you or he pretended to "consult" you but then ignored your objections and invited them anyway. Either way it's very inconsiderate of him and I can completely see why you're upset with him, but he's unlikely to back down and univite them now that it's all arranged. So you have three options. You either take the kids to your mum's, you stay at home and put up with it or you univite the friends yourself.

Cassiacassie · 28/12/2018 09:46

Sorry, but I think it’s fair that someone is able to host friends and family at their house- especially for such a short period of time. I’d say blow up mattress in your room for 3 year old and another one in ‘box’ room so guests can have that one. Sitting room is then free.

TeaByTheSeaside · 28/12/2018 09:46

Sorry I think YABU OP

My DH grew up overseas and we've had his random friends staying with us. Yes it's weird having a "stranger" in your house but they're your DH's friends.

I wouldn't say no any more than I'd appreciate my DH saying no to my friends staying.

That being said, you need to make sure he pulls his weight with regards to shopping, cooking and hosting because you can't be expected to do this on top of looking after the DC's.

Fairylightfurore · 28/12/2018 09:49

I would probably nip this in the bud and tell him they're not staying and if they turn up politely ask them to leave but if you're not up for confrontation then tell DH in no uncertain terms what you think of him ignoring your previous conversation, make it clear it isn't to happen again and he is sorting everything including clean up and go to your Mum's. I would also get him to pay for you and kids day out somewhere for the inconvenience.

Fairylightfurore · 28/12/2018 09:51

The issue isn't the fact he's having friends over, it's that he asked the op about it in advance, she said no, and he's completely ignored her. Doesn't set a good precedent.

Aridane · 28/12/2018 09:52

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Put the three year old in with you and the guests can have their room.

Perhaps get DP to explain just how tight it will be and offer also an alternative - eg an AIR BNB in x which costs y?

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 28/12/2018 09:54

YABU. It's three nights out of your entire existence.

twilightcafe · 28/12/2018 09:59

If your DP has taken a more proactive role in this club, this won't be the first time guests are invited to crash in your home.

Even more so if DP thinks the issue of space is solved by you clearing off to your mum's.

LemonAndLimeJuice · 28/12/2018 10:02

I’m afraid, that as he has already invited them to stay, he doesn’t want to uninvite them.
He probably invited them to stay, before he asked you.
I would decamp to your mothers house, and leave him to it if you can.

He’ll see himself how fun it is to host, when he has all the shopping to do, beds to sort etc .

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