to think childbirth is so much worse than I thought it would be?

[Denira]

I'm nearly 10 weeks post partum. The lovely people coming to visit stage had worn off and I've now realised that people aren't too interested in how I am. They just come round to hold the baby and expect me to make them a brew in the process.

I'm exhausted. My baby doesn't sleep in a regular pattern. Completely erratic and for short bursts at a time. Often feeds every hour.

I keep getting mastitis and am still breastfeeding so constantly living in fear of that.

I have piles. That's all I'll say about that.

I've JUST NOW discovered I have some sort of vaginal prolapse and could cry as I did and am doing my pelvic floors religiously.

My body is ruined and I look a big fat mess. Covered in stretch marks. Very flabby belly and cellulite I didn't have before I'm now covered in.

My hair is all falling out.

I have PND and just feel.like.shit.

I think there are probably another 10/15 things I could add to that list.

How do we cope? It's so shit and as much as I adore my beautiful son, I'm totally ruined and don't see the point anymore as I'm just a milk machine that nobody really cares about that much.

Feeling so sad...

That’s why when people used to say it’s almost over I said no it’s not because the aftermath is just as bad. I had stitches with both mine, piles with dd. Pretty sure the midwife stitched me up wrong after dd,(certain sex positions hurt now and they hadn’t before) she was a really weird hippy type and was too busy telling me her opinion on the afterlife. Trying to pee with stitches was like hell. Pretty sure I had pnd after DS but I managed to shake it after 3 months.
Know your doing a good job, your not alone and you now have a little person that you created and gave life too, it’s a wonderful thing. Won’t lie and say it gets better because it doesn’t but you’ll find your way, normality and your sense of pride will be of essence. It’s a long journey, challenging but endearing.

You’re so right OP.
All through pregnancy, everyone is concerned with your health and how you are doing... they tell you to look after yourself and put your feet up etc
HCP checking you over every few weeks bla blah
Then you have the baby.... and you cease to exist! It’s all about the newborn and nobody wants to know how you are... and it’s even worse after that initial influx of visitors.

Oh and I remember the piles - wow.
And the excessive sweating... I had to sleep on a towel!
And I smelled like curry pot noodle all the time!

It does get better though.

On a tangent I wish we were honest with young women about what childbirth and rearing entails. As a society we seem to dress it up a lot and only really present a small lack of sleep as the only negative. We should be more truthful to our young women and show them just how terrible it can be so they can make an informed decision because it's not as if we need to breed to save the planet or something

Ignore every single person who tells you to enjoy every minute and that this is the easy bit. It gets so much better, and you forget how hard it was so fast - DS is only five months and already I remember thinking 'i will never forget how hard this is' but I don't actually really remember quite what was so hard, IYSWIM? I have to actively remind myself that feeding used to take nearly an hour (it now takes ten minutes) and that he used to need changing constantly through the night (once that stops and so you don't need to get out of bed in the night it's a game changer). I think I have already forgotten how bad labour and post-pregnancy were, despite thinking at the time I never would. So ignore everyone who has forgotten and has rose-tinted spectacles and just remembers the adorable tiny baby (which is actually quite boring anyway compared to when they get a bit more interactive). For some reason people were lining up to tell me that having a newborn was super easy when I had one. They were wrong and also quite cruel.

All through pregnancy, everyone is concerned with your health and how you are doing... they tell you to look after yourself and put your feet up etc
HCP checking you over every few weeks bla blah Then you have the baby.... and you cease to exist!

Yes, this, so much! I was lucky and had a physically easy pregnancy, but it just seems bizarre now that people were so nice and concerned about me when I was basically fine, and then so unfussed when I was going through the hardest thing I've ever done. I remember having a big shock when I took DS on the tube when he was about 10 weeks. When I was pregnant people were falling over themselves to give me a seat (that I mostly didn't need) and smiling at me. When I was absolutely exhausted, still quite physically broken and struggling a bit to cope people scowled at me for daring to exist with a (sleeping - but I think they thought he would cry) baby, and no one offered me a seat and I didn't think I could ask, so I stood up with this tiny baby strapped to me, terrified I'd fall and crush him. The contrast was sort of amazing.

Agree @bellajay plus just normal routine things go out the window. I jest not that things like just knowing Jeremy Kyle would be back on at 9.25 again in the mornings made me feel “out the other side” when my head was like a smashed vase after DD.

@denira I’m gonna echo what everyone else has said - the shock of the new is overwhelming plus add swirling hormones into the mix. I didn’t get PND but PNA and i felt cracked for weeks.

Again, you are on what i would suggest is the threshold from “shock” (first 10 weeks or so) to “getting a handle on things a bit more and getting routine nailed (the next 10 weeks).

For me personally I started doing Buggyfit at 16 weeks and it transformed my mental health but please get your prolapse seen to first. If you are in SW London PM me as the APPI in Wimbledon are fecking ace.

By the way I wouldn’t have even run for a bus before that. I was just so sad and needed other adult humans to talk to that were likely to be in potential similar boats to me.

Good luck my love xx

If you started a new job you would be given sometime to slide into it, eased in. Bit of supervision. You’d be stressed and tired and fed up when you came home. In two years you’d be doing twice the work with half the stress.

This you get dropped in the deep end broken physically, exhausted and no time off. Think of it as a job and you see it will get easier.

You are fighting on all fronts and you have to look after yoursel in order to care for your son. Your body will return and you will feel stronger. I know I will be shot down in flames but I suggest you formula feed your son. To breastfeed whilst you have mastitis is agony be kind to yourself.

It really is so hard and no one can prepare you for it. Particularly with your first child, going from being you with your interests, skills, lifestyle etc. then all of a sudden you feel no more than a mummy with sore boobs, hormones raging, and a stretched misshappened body.

Social media makes this worse as other mum's post about how blissful and content they feel (largely not the case 100% of the time) which just makes you feel worse. It does get better though, if you aren't already try get to some baby groups. I found my sanity there where I was "My name" again and not just baby's mummy.

Sorry @Denira that you are having a tough time. I found things got better at 3 months, 6 months and a year, gradually and obviously with setbacks along the way.

Someone on MN told me it takes 2 years to feel 'normal' again. For me, it was 2 years to the day before I looked in the mirror and thought I had 'me' back. Still flabby and with stretch marks but my body felt 'strong' again.

Have you heard of the fourth trimester? Basically to do with human babies being born too early so mother and baby should be nesting in their own little bubble after birth for the first three months after birth.

Also ask for help! Everyone seemed to think we were doing fine while DH and I were crumbling after the birth of our DD. If we are lucky enough to have another, we will definitely call in the troops early! I think people these days sometimes think they had better not 'interfere' when help is desperately needed. It takes a village and all that...

I hate all the pressure to switch to formula when a breastfeeding mum is struggling. I had that too. But sometimes breastfeeding felt like the only positive thing for me. I think the hormones were beneficial as I always felt (feel) notificably better during and after a breastfeed.

Mothers need support to overcome their difficulties (with breastfeeding and in general), not pressure to quit breastfeeding and give formula.

I agree with namechange. I'm not that sure why formula feeding is sold as this magical thing to make life easier anyway. I'm in the process of switching from EBF to mixed before I go back to work and the bottle feeding is such a huge faff - all the cleaning and sterilising and making bottles while a hungry baby grizzles at you. I was lucky to find breastfeeding ok to establish so maybe I'm not comparing fairly, but I felt a genuine shock at how much of a lie it had been when people had told me that life would be much easier if I FF.

Exactly. Someone's still got to prepare the formula and wash and sterilise the bottles. And I it's usually the mum who does it even though the dad could too!

I'm not a breastfeeding martyr, we gave the occasional bottle when I needed a break (and when I went back to work), but bottles are not the magic solution.

I think breastfeeding made things much harder for me, but then when I was at the lows of PND I always had that satisfaction of at least I knew I was doing that right, even all these years later I am proud of what I achieved with breastfeeding and while I don't have fond memories of those days the knowledge I did the best for them physically is a great comfort to me.

Please get help for your pnd. That's the most important thing. There aren't many mums who don't feel blue and get one or two of the things you've mentioned but you've been unlucky and had more than your fair share. Is your partner aware and helping out? Don't feel like u need to keep breast feeding if u don't want to - but equally you may want to. Plz ask for some real life support if u can. It will get better but don't suffer in silence in the meantime.

I felt very low and isolated breastfeeding. Feeding was a job which took up more than double the time of all the other baby or house related stuff combined. And I couldn't share it. And unlike cooking or washing, the schedule was dictated by someone else. It meant I got no more than 90minutes sleep in one go for 8 months, and that crippled me. I won't be doing it again.

It won’t help when people say it gets better when in this moment you feel like hell but it really really does. I remember saying that I’d accepted that I’d never leave the house or enjoy myself again and my family laughing. Then I went mad and shouted ‘it’s not funny!! You all have to accept that you’ll never see me outside again’. They put on a serious face and agreed to come and visit forever. That’s seriously how I felt though.

I think it is just time and being kind to yourself - your body isn’t ruined, you’ve grown a baby and now you’re recovering. Once you feel a bit better you can start doing some exercises and healthy eating if you like. That’ll give you back some confidence. Right now focus on whatever makes you feel good and do that with no guilt. This is just a moment in time.

Ps maybe speak to the g.p if you think this is more than just the baby blues x

OP I can also completely relate to how you're feeling. I became really angry in those post-birth months when I discovered how shit it all really was, and how nobody noticed what a truly awful time I was having. Women go through this brutal, body- and mind-altering process and are expected to suck it up and get on with it after a few short weeks. It's a fucking horrible time, compounded by feeling guilty that you're not feeling utterly fulfilled and blissful.
It really, truly does get better though. For me (and my completely nuts, non-sleeping, non-resting baby), it got a bit easier after three months and a bit more after six. By the time he was one the world started to feel something like ok again. And I did have another two years later, and he was a peaceful, contented little bundle of sweetness, and his arrival made everything feel more balanced and right again. They're now four and two and I'm even thinking about having another. It really will pass xx

It’s funnt isn’t it all the antenatal classes NCT and stuff focus on pregnancy , having a great birth in water , hypnobirthing etc and fail to mention the reality for many women of their post birth body image , magnified by chronic tiredness etc . And bloody hell when they trot round they all coo over the baby and ‘ ignore you ‘ while you make the tea and fret over the old you - I’m smiling wryly at that , you’ve summed it up so well .
You’re feelings and thoughts are all entirely appropriate and normal and it will get better . The feeding frequency of your little man will space out , your piles will go , 10 weeks is no time for your nether regions to feel more like the old you - try giving it 6 to 12 months and the wobbly flesh will reduce as others have said your body took 9 months to change so it’s going to take more than 10 weeks to restore itself . And the mastitis thing we’ll applaud yourself for 10 weeks of breastfeeding - that’s above the UK average - babies need food . Yes there’s good in breastfeeding but at the end of a day a baby needs food - look around you , can you work out which adults were breastfed and those that were bottle - of course not . Women are far too hard on themselves and each other . Congratulations - enjoy your boy .

I'm right there with you (9 weeks pp) and it's just so, so hard.

This is baby no 2 for me so I foolishly thought that I'd breeze through it this time but if anything it's been much harder. I didn't have PND with my first so wasn't expecting to get it this time and it's knocked me for six. I have a 4yo DD so I have to put on a brave face for her all the time and try not to cry in front of her, which is exhausting. DC2 has colic so as soon as I manage to get DD to bed in the evening he starts screaming, it feels like there's no respite. Everyone keeps saying "it's so much easier second time around isn't it?" I just smile and nod. They don't want to hear the truth which is that I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and that I constantly fantasise about running away and starting a new life away from my responsibilities because I feel like I'm a shit mum and my kids would be better off without me.

I'm starting weekly sessions with a Psychologist in a couple of weeks so am hoping that will help. I'm trying to listen to everyone who tells me it gets easier, not worry about the housework and take it one day at a time. I remember with DC1 feeling like it got easier around the 12 week mark so am hoping the same will be true this time.

Hi OP, you've grown a whole human being inside your body, squished organs out of the way and given birth. Your body has literally created a whole new life. You have done an amazing thing.

It does get better, I promise. Mine are now 5 and 8 and I'm getting lie ins again, I have a semblance of a social life back and my body has recovered.

Please go and talk to someone about the PND. I promise no one will think the worse of you. I didn't get on with medication so I went for CBT (talking therapy) instead and it really helped.

Sorry for rambling, I could have written your post 8 years ago (and 5 years ago).

Sending hugs and flowers.

OP- it's really hard and no one tells you before!
I've (thus far) avoided mastitis but 2 mum pals suffered terribly. Their babies are now 8 months and 5 ish months and both are stilll being breastfed. (Older one is being introduced to solids). What made a difference for both of them was getting help from a lactation consultant or the feeding clinic at the hospital- it turned out that they had their positioning very slightly off and the tiniest of changes really helped as it allowed the babies to properly drain the breast. If you can (or there are other sources of proper trained support around) it might help to see someone about that?

I'm not that sure why formula feeding is sold as this magical thing to make life easier anyway

Not meaning to turn this into a BF vs FF fight - but I do think women's experiences of BF differ massively. For many - probably most - once you are through the initial hell of sore nipples, mastitis etc, BF stops being painful and can also be emotionally rewarding. But not everyone has that experience - for some women, BF never stops being uncomfortable, and/or really drags them down emotionally.

So it's impossible to generalise and women need to feel they have the permission to make the decision that is right for them, and to be given support either way.

I think experience of breastfeeding is similar to one’s experience of childbirth, some sail through it and some have an horrendous time of it. Surely though if you can make it all a little easier on yourself it is in your interests to do so.