to think childbirth is so much worse than I thought it would be?

[Denira]

I'm nearly 10 weeks post partum. The lovely people coming to visit stage had worn off and I've now realised that people aren't too interested in how I am. They just come round to hold the baby and expect me to make them a brew in the process.

I'm exhausted. My baby doesn't sleep in a regular pattern. Completely erratic and for short bursts at a time. Often feeds every hour.

I keep getting mastitis and am still breastfeeding so constantly living in fear of that.

I have piles. That's all I'll say about that.

I've JUST NOW discovered I have some sort of vaginal prolapse and could cry as I did and am doing my pelvic floors religiously.

My body is ruined and I look a big fat mess. Covered in stretch marks. Very flabby belly and cellulite I didn't have before I'm now covered in.

My hair is all falling out.

I have PND and just feel.like.shit.

I think there are probably another 10/15 things I could add to that list.

How do we cope? It's so shit and as much as I adore my beautiful son, I'm totally ruined and don't see the point anymore as I'm just a milk machine that nobody really cares about that much.

Feeling so sad...

Oh it's so shit, I was so angry no one warned me how isolating post birth is. I was hugely resentful of my life after giving birth, I felt like it was a big secret to dupe me into children ha, and to this day jealous of women who "love" the new born phase. But it is just that, a phase. The first 6 weeks are the worst, the next major milestone is about 6 months I think and it just gets easier month by month and it all becomes a blur. Hang in there, this isn't your life forever I promise.

Oh OP

It's so hard, I remember it well. You might not feel like it but you are doing brilliantly. Feels like wading through treacle I know.

Please get help for the PND. Go and see your GP today. Don't be afraid to take antidepressants if you need them. Ask about CBT too.

There is also PANDAS, I think they have a helpline.
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk

Please don't suffer alone!

Oh and regarding the mastitis. Stopping breastfeeding is the worst thing you can do, you have to keep feeding. Your baby might have tongue tie, as inefficient feeding can cause recurrent mastitis. My son had tongue tie and I got mastitis (he was putting on weight so tongue tie wasn't suspected at first but he still had it). I advise you to go to a breastfeeding clinic or drop-in ASAP and ask about tongue tie. Midwives and HVs miss it all the time as they're not properly trained on it so you need a full assessment by someone who is.
www.tongue-tie.org.uk/Mobile/m-tongue-tie-information.html

Once the PND and mastitis are under control you'll feel so much better, I promise.

just want to echo everyone saying that it does get better.
as well as the other advice... take care of your self. you are soooo important. and as you've learnt you have to look after yourself as well as your baby.
eat well, take vitiams as you are likely depleted after pregnacy and birth, get some fresh air every day, take short walks. it all helps too you feel better physically and with your mood

Getting yourself into a routine helps...around feeding and sorting baby of course. What I mean by a routine is a checklist of things you want to do e.g shower, clean clothes, eating nice food, watching something on tv/a couple of chapters of a book and a walk with the baby.

Oh lovely. It is so hard. Harder than you have any concept of before you have a baby.

But as many have said it really does get better. We found the first 12 weeks the toughest, then it got a bit easier, then from 6 months I started to actually enjoy it rather than just be in survival mode. So much of how you are feeling is linked to hormones and sleep deprivation and the fact that your life has just changed more than you could have ever imagined. This is a crap time of year too with dark days which won’t help your mood.

I have a prolapse that wasn’t diagnosed until 6 months pp. I got an Elvie pelvic floor tracker and now no longer need surgery. Worth every penny. Turns out I was doing my pelvic floor exercises all wrong.

I’m sure that in a couple of weeks your baby will be easier then in a few more weeks spring will be on the horizon and if you get out for a decent walk in the sunshine every day you will feel so so much better. Go and see your GP about your PND. It is common and normal and they should take you seriously and help you.

Take care.

OP I wish I could run round to your house and give you a big hug!

You are totally right, at this stage mum gets forgotten as it's assumed you're recovered I suppose. I still felt like I had been hit by a bus at that stage, it was only after about the 3 month mark that I felt a bit more in control of a routine and less of a mess. I was still a mess (moulting like a dog, hemorrhoids too), so was the house but there was just a bit of an improvement that gave me a mini boost.

Support is important though. Would it be possible for you to visit family? Let them take charge of the baby for a few hours? Having a break, even for a few hours to work round breastfeeding can be a savior. And I hope you can get support for your pnd.

CBT really helped me, it was an 11 week long course and my baby would be taken to the crèche for two hours while the course was on. They would bring her back into me for feeds (which was every 30 minutes or so for my daughter - noone else's came in ). I didn't want anti depressants.

If you feel comfortable to share the area of the country you're in then people may be able to share local services they know of to help you.

I found it horrendous, first time round. I had PND too. You must go to the GP. It’s so important! That’s how you will start to pull yourself out of feeling this way. Can your DP make the appointment and come with you? My DM essentially frogmarched me to the surgery and held a screaming DD1 while I sobbed at my GP, it was a horrid day but it was the first step to feeling g better.

I started antidepressants when DD1 was a few weeks old (ones which were compatible with breastfeeding). It took a while but by the time she was 6 months I was ready to stop the meds completely.

Life got a lot easier around 3/4 months as well, because her colic eased, and physically I was much more recovered. Suddenly you realise you are enjoying life again.

Second time round I was absolutely fine, no PND, normal easy birth with no complications other than a few stitches, up and about straight away and feeling completely well, ready to get on with things. I’m saying this because one of the things that terrified me about having PND once was that I would get it again, and that I would not only end up letting my new baby down but my elder child as well. It didn’t happen, and we were fine.

I really feel for you OP. I felt similar after my DC. I'm still not right down there, it's basically like a cavern (despite no tearing) and sex is pointless as I basically can't feel it.
However, please don't suddenly stop feeding if you are prone to mastitis. When you decide to stop taper down gradully because otherwise you'll probably end up engorged and get mastitis again.
Also, try and visit a breastfeeding support group and get latch checked as an inefficient latch or tongue tie can mean that the breast is not being drained fully which can cause mastitis.
The other advantage of a bf support group is that everyone else is in the same position as you, their body looks the same as yours under their clothes, their hair is falling out too. And there are usually some lovely bf supporter around who will make you a cup of tea and be only too happy to cuddle baby while you drink it.

If you pm me what area you are in I can see if I can find out about a local group (I'm a bf peer supporter in my area).

@WTFdidwedo wow I would have done that for the weekly 2 hour respite!!

I felt very betrayed by women around me for not warning me about how awful childbirth was. I had 26 hours of labour, constantly told baby would be born in the next hour, the pain was awful, I couldn't believe how tired and weary I'd become. I have a very high pain threshold, I'm fit and healthy, yet I felt my body was possessed by some uncontrollable demon. Horrible experience. Afterwards, I felt as if the rest of my insides would fall out, and I struggled to walk the stitches were so bad. She fed constantly, and would only sleep for an hour at a time, usually being held.

However, second time around, my waters popped during the night, I timed going into hospital to suit the traffic, not because I felt I had to. Contractions didn't start until I got to hospital door, strong but manageable, and baby was born 20 minutes later. I hadn't even undressed! I remember we were all laughing as she was born because it was such an unreal situation. She slept so well from the beginning, needing woken up to be fed - which she'd do and go back to sleep immediately.

So sorry you had a bad experience. Just wanted to share mine so you would see they're not always the same.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry, and I know exactly where you are coming from. I was so excited when I was pregnant with our child after several miscarriages, and couldn't have wanted him more. I read a lot and knew childbirth was unpredictable, but had no idea it would be as horrific as it was. My body went into shock, and I had a very very difficult birth (knowing the baby was in distress but the theatre was full, so had the awful induction drip, 2 failed epidurals and a very drawn out ventouse delivery which resulted in a severe 3rd - almost 4th - degree tear requiring surgery). It was awful. The pain was unbearable and I still have vivid flashbacks. I felt so out control and it was very distressing. My body is basically broken. I have no pelvic floor strength and a permanently leaky bladder. I feel fat and unattractive - not helped by my PCOS.

I found the first few months extremely difficult to say the least, and the fact that I was in such poor health made it really hard. I was so sore and riddled with infections for 3 months due to the wait for surgery post-birth. Going to the toilet was hugely uncomfortable and I was diagnosed with PTSD from the birth. I found the lack of sleep very hard too. Nothing prepares you for it and it's so hard to think rationally and cope when you're running on empty. My DH was also utterly traumatised by the birth, and he was overly anxious about every little sniffle from our DS. Our DS was throwing up his feeds initially, so we had another night in hospital when he was 9 days old, which nearly broke me, and he then developed colic for about 4 weeks, which at the time seemed to last a lifetime. Every evening he would scream uncontrollably and it was heartbreaking. I found it hard when DH went back to work and I was at home on my own with DS. I almost resented DH, which sounds ludicrous now. We don't have family very close by (they did visit, of course), but meeting up once a week with the NCT class and other new mums and babies was a lifeline, as it was good to see they had struggles too and I wasn't alone. Are there any similar groups or baby groups you could join?

In all honesty, the first 6 weeks post-birth were very difficult (I remember vividly someone urging me to take 'baby steps' and deal with one day at a time, which was sound advice), and our NCT mantra was always "This too shall pass"! It's hard when you're in the thick of it, but things do get easier, I promise. After about 6 weeks the colic passed and I started to trust more in my motherly instincts and feel a little more in control as a vague sort of routine formed. As my DS was so very much wanted, I found it hard to admit to others that I was struggling, as I didn't want to sound ungrateful.

I loved him so so much, and still do. He is my absolute world, but boy - were the first few months tough.

He was hospitalised at 3 months as he reacted to his immunisations and presented with meningitis symptoms. My DH was in Hong Kong with work and I found myself alone with my son being blue-lighted to A&E. This was a huge turning point for me, as I suddenly realised that my son needed me now more than ever, and something just switched inside me and I thought "I can do this". We stayed in hospital for 4 days, which was scary, but he was fine, and I left hospital feeling far more competent and able. It was as though a switch had flicked and instead of dwelling on my feelings I was more focused on my son. I remember holding him in hospital and promising him that I'd always be there for him. He was starting to smile and do little movements on his playmate, and this really helped, as the first few weeks where babies seem to just feed, cry, fill their nappies and sleep is pretty gruelling and unrewarding. As soon as he moved to the next stage - around 3-4 months, I started to enjoy motherhood so much more. My advice is to find baby groups, try to get out every day - even if it's just a walk around the block or trip to the supermarket, and to know that it does get easier. I absolutely promise you it does. Hang on in there, OP. I'm sure you're doing a grand job.

First time motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I have a PhD and moved continents three times (I mean this factually not as a boast). So in general I like to think I am fairly sorted. And then first time motherhood with a supportive partner and a fairly comfortable start to breastfeeding floored me. I just didn’t know what had happened to my life. How could it be so shit? And I did resent the baby from time to time?

What I learned over time (I have 2 now) is that things get better as they grow older, they settle down, and they get more interesting and interactive. I found everything after a year both times much easier because they were more fun. Newborns are so dull and I just didn’t know what to do all day. Only that many nursery rhymes I can sing enthusiastically all day.

So now some practical tips:

• wake up at the same time every day no matter how shit the night before. Preferably an hour or so before DP leaves for work. Feed baby and get DP to make toast and tea while you do and hand baby to DP. Have a shower, and consume the tea and toast. Get DP to change the baby into fresh clothes. Get ready. Do a quick tidy up and any other jobs. Take baby back and feed again. Tell DP to run a load of washing, do any other jobs and make you a sandwich. So 45 manic mins later the goal is: you are fed and dressed, baby is fed and dressed and there’s a sandwich for lunch in the fridge. At this stage if the day goes to hell in a handcart it doesn’t matter.
• don’t get the baby into a schedule. Get yourself. Roughly at the same time twice a day give the baby a feed and go for a walk. Say 10:30 and 2:30 or 3:30. And then roughly at the same time in the evening do a quick ‘night routine’ so warm bath, clean clothes, the same story and a Breastfeed. And I would keep in the same room till morning in dim light. At least helps to sort might from day. Even if it is super boring for you. I found that once we got to the ‘3 feeds at night but goes back to sleep’ stage life got better.
• keep a diary of the baby’s routine for about 10-12 days and nudge the baby on to some version of that instead of one in a baby book.

Please be honest with your GP and tell her how low you are feeling. I'm a GP and I see so many women who feel that they can't be honest (and I do get why it's hard), even when I can tell that they are struggling terribly - and that makes it much harder to help.

Most GPs are parents and even those that aren't will have seen 100s of women with PND. It's so common and 99% respond really well to treatment. Your GP will not judge you, she wants to support you - please let her.

aw sweets, it does get better!! Look at the things you can change and let go of thr things you can't change. Hairloss will stop, piles will go and so will the weight, so try to put those worries aside. Get checked out for your prolapse and mental health. And then everything will fall into place.

It's horrible OP, I had something similar and vowed never to do it again!

FWIW I felt more normal around 3 months in and have returned to my normal shape and sought a therapist for regular support after 3 years as I realised some of my responses weren't normal.

You're not alone, it's really, really hard. Do get help. Here's no shame in it and it will help you, even just talking to someone does lighten the mental load. Good luck xxx

It's hard but you need to start now doing things for you as well - you feel a slave to your baby, that's something you can fix (only the drs can solve medical issues).

I felt terrible at 10 weeks pp or so. My dh booked me postnatal yoga once a week, plus (we had just moved continents and I knew nobody) his new colleagues invited us over and their wives started to invite me out to coffee, to the zoo etc getting me out the flat. I made a decision to go out every day even just for a walk - I had a new city to explore admittedly but it was hard so tired and overwhelmed to pull yourself together to leave the door.

My prescription is:

Go out daily
Find something to do 1-2 times a week eg baby groups
Ensure once a week you get 1-2 hours away from baby (eg dp takes the baby out and you can have a bath/shower (they won't starve do just feed beforehand)
Have something to focus on 2-3 months down the road
If at 12 weeks you are still overwhelmed see your gp but be assured it's normal to feel down after giving birth and you have it within you to feel better.

I had a huge advantage when I was feeling at my worst as my dh proposed - as the only date we could get back to the U.K. was in 2.5 months I spent most of the days sorting things out, not suggesting such drastic action but even a home project, sorting through things even - anything that's not baby related works

Yes absolutely this is all true!

I was out walking the dog on day 2 because I felt like I should ‘get out the house’. When realistically you grow a baby for 9 months- I think you’re looking at 9 months to recover.

Probably TMI but at around 6 weeks I felt like I had a prolapse (heavy tampon feeling), I also had awful problems with constipation. This improved hugely around 3 months. I didn’t have a prolapse I just hadn’t recovered, it’s good you’re doing pelvic floor exercises as you will see a huge improvement.

6 months on now and I have naturally dropped 2 stone from breastfeeding (could have been move but been eating a lot of biscuits), my hair is growing back, stretch marks are fading. I feel loads more like me. You will too!

OP it is the hardest but it will get better

I had the shittiest time, loads of issues and my DC, at 2yo still hates sleep. But then as they grow you realise we all have different challenges and a great sleeper or feeder might start having really strong tantrums or catching every virus. And you stop comparing.

I still have to go to bed at 8 to get a few hours of sleep

I had PND and severe mastitis, 3 cases in 6 months 😱

As you, breastfeeding was the thing I was not going to compromise on. Because we all make choices and decide what bits of parenting we will stick to. And that was one of mine. We are still BFing and I am so happy I kept on going. I know and knew that I could stop and he would be as healthy and happy but I wished people hadn't been so easy to tell me to stop and start bottle. It was almost a lot of pressure for me to stop from other mums

As per visitors, I noticed the same and actually didn't invite the ones that I felt just wanted a go with the baby. They soon stop coming after the baby has grown. Your real friends come for you and you keep seeing them.

Try ringing the BFing line for advice and support and go to BFing cafe

You mentioned you have PND. Sorry toddler here pulling my arm and I haven't read it all. Medication helped me lots.

It is very hard the first year or so and then gets better.

The issue is that TV and the media and some people led us to believe it was a magical time. It is not.

Someone told me once you survive the first 100 days after having a baby, things get easier. I clung on to that and it is true (well was for me). I remember with my first being a bit put out nobody enquired after me anymore, literally everything was about the baby. After my second, I couldn't care less about that (and people aren't interested in you during the second pregnancy either). It was a bit of a shock after my first though, like I had been through a massive life change and felt different as a person but nobody seemed to realise. I was only young too though, so that didn't help.

I’m guessing this is your firs? What I think happens is that the first one comes and basically blows your mind a bit. Because you have no frame of reference for this kind of all consuming newborn stage.

So when the second comes, even though technically you’ve got more work to do, you’re already a pro and handle it much better. The third even more so.

But you sometimes forget how hard the first was is and imagine it’s all fluffy cuddles because it’s only one little baby.

Mums who haven’t had to deal with it for several years or even several decades don’t remember. And frankly a lot of men never knew in the first place . Especially in older generations

Just a theory of mine anyway. It is hard though!do you go to baby groups with other new mums? That can be a good source of comfort

With the prolapse the hormones from breastfeeding loosen things up a bit. When in time you stop it does improve a bit, and I second getting help with that quickly. I spoke to hv about it and she got me referred and sorted.

For the benefit of the doubt I am not saying stop breastfeeding to help, I am saying there is light at the end of that tunnel.

You are fab and all this is familiar to me, get fresh air, accept help, don't be afraid to tell people to help you and that you won't make them tea. Tell them it's hard. If they don't like it they're the wrong people.

Best of luck OP you are doing so well x

Mums who haven’t had to deal with it for several years or even several decades don’t remember. And frankly a lot of men never knew in the first place . Especially in older generations
Yes to this

I just wanted to come back and mention that things also feel much harder at Christmas, I think. There’s a lot of pressure to be festive and cheery and everyone else is off work and on a total high whereas I’m still getting up multiple times a night, feeding round the clock and only occasionally brushing my hair.

Nobody really prepares you for how you feel afterwards and I remember it being a real shock. Aching from the labour, the changes to your body, the tiredness etc. I can remember feeling terrified and completely overwhelmed. Everyone being interested in the baby and asking instrusive questions (I’m very private in rl). I was criticised by my HV as my home was too clean and tidy and was clearly not looking after myself and baby properly! Keeping my (small) home neat meant I could switch off a little and kept me relaxed.

I definitely had PND but hated my HV who had no children of her own so had no idea what I had been through (traumatic birth) and I did not feel comfortable talking to her.

What I can say with absolute confidence is that things got better. I lost the baby weight (was in better shape then before) the stretch marks fade, I started to get some decent sleep and I fell deeply in love with my gorgeous baby. Hang in there you will be ok