to think childbirth is so much worse than I thought it would be?

[Denira]

I'm nearly 10 weeks post partum. The lovely people coming to visit stage had worn off and I've now realised that people aren't too interested in how I am. They just come round to hold the baby and expect me to make them a brew in the process.

I'm exhausted. My baby doesn't sleep in a regular pattern. Completely erratic and for short bursts at a time. Often feeds every hour.

I keep getting mastitis and am still breastfeeding so constantly living in fear of that.

I have piles. That's all I'll say about that.

I've JUST NOW discovered I have some sort of vaginal prolapse and could cry as I did and am doing my pelvic floors religiously.

My body is ruined and I look a big fat mess. Covered in stretch marks. Very flabby belly and cellulite I didn't have before I'm now covered in.

My hair is all falling out.

I have PND and just feel.like.shit.

I think there are probably another 10/15 things I could add to that list.

How do we cope? It's so shit and as much as I adore my beautiful son, I'm totally ruined and don't see the point anymore as I'm just a milk machine that nobody really cares about that much.

Feeling so sad...

Ah, it's shit when your family and friends don't pick up on how you're feeling. Do you have any supportive family/friends?

yep theres definitely a lot of anxiety attached to newborns but it does get easier and overall far more joy than anxiety.

Your friend sounds ignorant so maybe not the best one to talk to but do find someone. Talking is the best treatment for pnd although I recommend medication in the short term especially if your sleep is affected by anxiety. I can remember lieing awake next to dd who i knew would be up in an hour or so worrying about this or that and not being able to sleep, then worrying about my sleep then worrying about my worrying. It was awful!

I would really make a GP appointment a priority and talk about pnd, mastitis and prolapse. As for your body it probably won't ever be exactly as it was but you will get used to it and in a few months when things settled down you can join a gym or join a postnatal pilates/swimming group and prioritise that a bit more. For now it doesn't really matter as much as your mental health and you DS's wellbeing so i would focus on those.

@AssassinatedBeauty my family are all the other side of the country and I don't have many close mates here. I'm quite isolated which I guess isn't helping.

It does get better, AssassinatedBeauty. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

If people want to come around tell them you're tired and they can wait on you a bit, make tea or whatever. Be firm.

People just don't talk about all this stuff. It's really sexist IMO. I mean, people have an idea that giving birth is painful and unpleasant, but other aspects such as debilitating morning sickness and the horrendous post birth period are virtually never mentioned. There's a lot of pressure on women to cope perfectly with all this.

Go to the GP. I had PND and waited until my son was 7 months old to finally go and SO wish I’d gone sooner, I spent so long completely miserable.

Motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks.. it was brutal. PND, so much hair loss I had bald patches, a stomach that never recovered and a breastfed baby that didn’t sleep through until 1. IT GETS BETTER. It just takes a lot lot lot of support, visit to the GP and some “me time”. Have a bath to yourself or even half an hour alone reading or drinking tea without a baby attached.

The thing that helped me the most though was self care. I completely lost who I was when I became a mum and I felt so so awful. When I dyed my hair, made an effort and bought some new clothes I felt like a new person. It’s not a fix but it may help a smidge x (go salon or nail done if that’s your thing)

Yes, isolation adds to the overwhelmed feeling. I am not naturally sociable and usually like to be in my own company, but forced myself to be social after my DS1 was born. I found having women to talk to who were in the same situation helped even if they weren't my close friends.

I agree with getting out every day, if you can. I found organised baby classes to work for me, they were structured and gave me the opportunity for chatting to other mums without any pressure.

the baby friends I made when my first baby DS(8) was little are now my best friends I had to make a real effort to get to groups and force myself to be sociable when i least felt like it but it did pay off. I can totally relate to the feelings you describe. You haven't mentioned a partner is the dad not on the scene?

I can totally relate to you about breastfeeding and it gets easier after 3 months for most anyway and imo helps with pnd and anxety (especially health related) so great that you are carrying on.

Yanbu. Having a baby is a complete headfuck (was for me anyway).

Everything you’ve written plus I was in no way prepared for how physical my emotional reactions to my baby would be. I heard every breath 24/7, reacted in the pit of my stomach to every cry and felt like my heart would burst every time I got caught off guard just falling in love. It’s bloody exhausting.

It’s really hard, and my only advice is to not try and control too much. I had/have a clingy, non-sleeping unless held child and I spent so much time trying to get her to do what I thought she was meant to be doing I made myself and her miserable. Clicked at about a year that I just needed to work with what I had.

Truth be told at nine weeks even if you do spot the semblance of a routine something will change. The tricky little buggers are developing so fast it can be hard to keep up.

You’re finding your feet in a fast moving game, but you can do this and everything will keep getting easier little by little. Top of your list needs to be you though. Get a GP appointment booked ASAP and go from there. You’re likely already running on empty (you just grew and birthed a whole human, it’s no small feat) and anything you can manage will help.

I remember everyone saying tricky bits were just phases but in the moment it’s quite hard to believe them and it feels like there’s no way anything will ever change. It does though, I promise.

It might be worth getting your thyroid levels checked. It is very common for them to drop really low post partum, and a whole load of your symptoms are common post childbirth but also very common with low thyroid. If they are low, you can just take one little pill in the morning everyday until your body picks its own production back up again. Also take a whole load of vitamin d and some iron tablets daily. Both are easy to run down and you really need good levels to feel halfway decent

Yes can totally relate denira
No one truly tells you about the early days with a baby. The human race would die out!
Have you seen your gp and talked about anti depressants?
I was in such a bad way after my second dc. The antids helped.
What didn't help was people expecting me to just "get on with it"
I was feeling suicidal.

Sending you positive thoughts xx

Feeding through mastitis is actually better for it, as painful as it is.

The actual childbirth bit was crap, they say it hurts but you're often not prepared for the type of hurt. That was what got me. Pushing mine out was a twenty minute job the first time, and was empowering. But the bloody labour? It was all in my back and OMG, it's so debilitating.

Baby in an oven, sounds like post partum psychosis. I had a friend with that, hit her for six, it's very frightening. PND is stupidly common, and there's plenty of help, just make yourself ask. You can do it, we all believe in you!

Yep, I felt like rent a womb after having my firstborn. I'm not into being the centre of attention but it would have been good if people could have remembered I existed and not tried to dissuade me from things like cloth nappies, trying to breastfeed (failed, but bf my second kid), cooking and pureeing my own food for DD, all sorts of stuff.

You will settle down into it. Try and ignore stories from blogs or magazines or twats on the internet who gush about their wonderful, life changing happy births and settling in period. It does happen for some but not all.

You will make it. Tell your GP or health visitor how you feel. Make sure your partner knows how you feel.

Things that might help:

1. get your baby checked for tongue tie. If there's any clicking or issues with latching, or pain when feeding, then this is a possibility. Getting this resolved can make a world of difference to both of you.
2. get checked for thrush - I had thrush BUT it wasn't showing up as such, I just had very deep pain in my boob and a sore red nipple - DS2 didn't have any thrush, it was just in my boob. Treating that was revelatory.
3. your hair falling out is a normal part of the process (depending on how much is coming out!!) as your normal hair shedding ceases in the latter stages of pregnancy; so what then happens is that you shed all that hair that you would have normally lost gradually in a big rush, and it can seem devastating. If it's more, and you're getting bald patches, then see the GP about it.
4. go and see the GP or your local MW about the PND - the sooner that is treated the better. As for your "friend" - what she described was more like post-partum psychosis, a MUCH rarer condition but one that needs treating ASAP. Doesn't sound like you have that at all!

Anyone who visits - tell them you'd love a cuppa and wave them in the direction of the kitchen - anyone who can't be arsed to help you out with making you a drink should fuck off away again.

Where is the baby's father in all of this? is he around, is he helping? Or are you doing this all on your own?

Yep, it's shit. I felt exactly as you do.

I'm doing it again in a few weeks and really, really wish I wasn't. I'm dreading the whole thing. It's like last time I just lost 18months of my life. I just want to wake up and it all be over and me be back to normal again.

Oh bless you OP, there is not a mother alive who hasn't felt like you. It gets easier and at some point, in a whole bunch of crazy you can't imagine right now, you will miss that little snuffly up to your boob thing that babies do, I won't tell you you will miss the breast feeding, coz that stung and was bloody horrible, but the little sleepy snuffling thing was cute.

PND is not going to make you put the baby in the oven. It is ok to feel down as a new mum, it is totally ok to talk to your health visitor about it, they won't judge you. You are breast feeding despite it hurting and staring at him now... I love him so much. I'd protect him with my life. You are doing a good job, its hard, but you are nailing it, health visitors are there to support you and they know how shit it can be! Sounds like all you need is a bit of adult company that's not all fussing over your baby. Have you tried baby groups, where everyone is feeling a bit like you are now?

Oh mate. I remember that time all too well. And no offence to the other (well meaning) posters, but being told 'it gets better' when I was in the thick of it, I was so despondent to hear that. Like it was any help to hear that of I just held on feeling shit for a few more years, it would be OK.

Please get to the GP to speak about the mastitis, low mood and the prolapse. Take in a bit of paper with those things written down, so you can be sure they know all that's going on and can prioritise things for you.

Hang in there. It's shit and nothing we can say makes it better. Congratulations on your beautiful boy.

Bless you. Baby in the oven, I agree sounds like Pn psychosis. I got dd into a routine using a book as I was clueless. It helped greatly. She loved it and therefore so did I.

It gets better, honestly it does. 10 weeks is still such early days. I think it took about 9 months before I felt physically normal again after my first.

You're doing a great job, especially if you're soldiering on through mastitis. Be kind to yourself when you can - hot baths, clean hair, a glass of wine, nice food. It's such a shock at first but eventually life will find a new normal that isn't so bloody hard.

Oh, love.

Sending you a hug. It sounds very very hard arvthe moment, and you have had bad luck, picking up a lucky dip of post partum issues.

You need and deserve some help and support.

Do get some help with your PND. It’s a lot to cope with.

I thought I would hate baby groups but my NCT Tea Group was a life saver in tne end. Can you ask your health visitor if there are any local
groups?

One bit of good news: the hair that is falling out is just hair that didn’t fall out when you were pregnant. It gets extrs thick when you are pg and doesn’t fall out, then it goes back to normal. You won’t end up with less hair than you started with.

She’s fairly well known but I found the unmumsy mum blog a great tonic. She’s very honest about her struggles with her sons and quite funny as well.

I am with you I was floored by how hard it was and how ignorant the world is to how hard it is. It’s like millions of women are toiling away basically performing insane feats of endurance every day and it’s not acknowledged or spoken of.

Be gentle on yourself. Having a baby is overwhelming in so many ways, many good but some... not so brilliant! Things will get better. You sound like you're actually doing really well with baby. Hugs x xx

I found the first 3 months really gruelling. It got better when DD became more playful and her feeds finally spaced out

You sound like me after my first. The first 3 months were hell on Earth. It was like some sort of shock.

Things you can proactively do now:
1)Stop allowing visitors unless they’re going to help you. No more making drinks whilst they hold the baby. If you know they’re the kind of person that won’t help, don’t let them in.
2)Set up a hygge-ful space. Sofa, armchair or bed, wherever you feel the most comfortable with your favourite blankets and cushions, infront of the TV, a jug of water or squash that you can fill easily with one hand and snacks and make the decision that you are going to be cosy and comfy there with your baby for as long as necessary. Everything/everyone else will wait.
3) see your GP ASAP to talk about how you’re feeling and get checked out physically. You won’t regret it and it could make everything 100x easier.

It does pass and it does gets easier. You will be ok and you are doing an amazing job

Nothing to add that other posters haven’t said really but I’ve also been there and sort of still am there a bit. Mine is 14 weeks and Jesus Christ have I had some low moments. But you can absolutely do this. I found it easier to focus on one thing at a time but it was so hard to motivate myself especially when every time I put a clean top on or brushed my hair my boobs leaked everywhere or the baby threw up on me. So progress was slow but real!

People dont remember or understand and even my husband needs it spelling out at times but asking for help is just one of the hardest things. Worth it though. xxx

I was floored by how hard it was

Oh god, me too. To the extent that when I am around small babies I have to actively put those feelings on one side so I can react appropriately. I was also in a friendship group of earth mother types who just revelled in the small baby stage. On the plus side though, the earth mothers struggled with the teenage stage which I adored.