Steiner schools, plastic presents and family meltdowns

[WutheringBites]

I’ve namechanged because it’s a bit spottable. Basically, I went to a lot of effort to buy really cute old style fisher price toys for my nieces (who live abroad) and have been told third hand that their parents have hidden them because the children (preschoolers) aren’t allowed to play with anything “plastic”. Apparently it’s against the rules of their nursery.

I’ve now been told, parents are upset because I got them something similar last year.

AIBU that

1. I feel really put out that the children aren’t getting the presents I went to quite a lot of expense and effort to get;
2. That no one bothered to tell me that they weren’t allowed anything except wood?
3. That they didn’t get last years presents either.

And is this rule about only wooden stuff something I should have known? Is it a general Steiner thing?

I’m also really sad that it puts an extra distance between me (as their Aunty) and my DC (as cousins) when we already live in a different country. Due to family pressures it’s really difficult for me to travel to see them; and they don’t come to us at all (but I’ve invited them lots). I feel so upset. I only have one sibling; and no cousins, etc. 😰 I feel I’ve messed up, but didn’t know; and I know I’ll just end up sitting sobbing if I try to phone and talk about it. Arrrgh. 😰

If you're even vaguely sceptical about woo you probably already know about the quackometer blog but there's been lots about Steiner schools recently due to govt reports. Here's a general starter
www.quackometer.net/blog/category/quacks/rudolfsteiner

Wow. This has been a education. I would not touch that 'philosophy' with a barge pole. Racism, clairvoyance? 😧

Poor kids OP, I hope the parents come to their senses someday.

No Similar she spent time and money tracking down good quality plastic toys, sent them off then discovered they are not allowed. She was especially upset because she had done the same the previous year but the parents didn't let her know then, so it was a waste of time for her plus the dc did not receive a gift from her on both occasions.

For those who feel hard done by because of a lack of “meltdown”; it’s more a “shutdown” I guess. I went through a whole series of emotions; from angry to just so sad. It feels like the end of trying to have a meaningful relationship with my DB and DNs; if that sounds melodramatic, then my apologies; I can’t convey how I feel or all the background on an Internet forum. Just they live so far away and have picked a life path which doesn’t involve my family. Knowing I wasn’t alone in getting this so wrong (the toys) has been very helpful as it’s put things in perspective. I just feel so sad.

My cousins went to a Steiner school. They were never allowed plastic toys as toddlers, they charity shopped all the Duplo my parents bought them (even though they didn't/don't have a lot of money and the kids had barely any toys).

The school asked them to leave as my cousins were too disruptive after a family crisis (one of their parents was severely ill and it was touch and go whether they would recover for a while). So those traumatised children were asked to leave the only educational environment they were capable of (by this time they were so far behind mainstream school it would have been a huge mistake to put them there) and their stressed and ill parents have pretty much been forced to home educate. Oh, and the children have needed therapy to deal with all of this.

They are functionally illiterate. The younger one hadn't been taught to read at all, and his parents have found it difficult to teach him. The older one still cannot read a children's novel even though he is now old enough to have left school.

This worth watching in full, but from 2.20. is priceless on Steiner:

Out of interest is Montessori different to Steiner ? My SIL lives and teaches abroad and is a teacher in a centre she describes as a Montessori type. Everything is plain wood and she is obsessed with fairies etc. Child led learning etc. I would say it's very religious in an almost Mormon way ?!

But got my DC wooden toys for Christmas but they are colourful.

There is a Montessori nursery near us (UK) but I was a bit scared that I didn't understand it, so haven't signed up my DC there for September. SIL has sort of out me off.

I don’t think I could say cult quick enough..What’s worrying is that there are parents out there who send their kids to these schools with no clue about the belief systems that are aligned with the methods.

It seems like they are drawn in by the wooden toys, soft colours and the twee songs.

I think the concept could suit a really gentle shy quiet child maybe from what I saw in the playgroup we went to - if they really have shed the bollocks at our local one but it sounds like they fail most children hoping to get miracles out of a minority

I guess parents get so sucked into the lifestyle they find it hard to acknowledge their kids would do better elsewhere- seems like a cult to me

And book vouchers probably won’t be a runner for the same reasons (different country, etc).
There is a specific attitude to reading in Steiner world outlook as well.
To the pp who asked about Montessori, no, it is a completely different approach to Steiner. Actually, majority of modern early years education ideas are Montessori inspired, I am not sure why Montessori schools are perceived as non-mainstream. Steiner is just quackery.

It feels like the end of trying to have a meaningful relationship with my DB and DNs.

I totally understand why you're feeling this way. I've gone through something similar myself and it's very hurtful.

Sometimes people do distance themselves and whether that's deliberate or not, conscious or subconscious, can be hard to work out.

Would you be able to have a conversation with DB about it?

Look they’re still both toddlers you said, at the pfb stage really, and may end up moving/becoming disillusioned with it/growing into well rounded individuals despite it all. If you keep the lines open you may gain good relationships with them as they grow. I would just send money from now on to be honest. When they are bigger they will appreciate a relative who does this the most

I think it’s really strange, my toddler has destroyed every wooden toy he’s ever had (apart from the wooden tool set he literally used as sticks to beat me with ) I asked my family to get good quality plastic like the presents you bought. Some of them have a bit of a snobby attitude towards this and give wooden toys anyway.

I understand it’s more sustainable, but I always give his old stuff to charity. There’s a fair amount of chipboard in wooden toys too.

Mind you these parenting ethoses(?) always seem bizarre to me, the parents seem to focus less on the child and more on their ideology.

I know one mum who wouldn’t take her youngest to hospital (on gps recommendation) as her husband was away and she believed a child should never be left with relatives, ever.

I actually do think you can ask them to send the toys back. As long as you offer to send something their dc would be allowed.

It's a shame your brother is putting barriers in the way of a decent relationship with them but keep trying. He will appreciate it if he comes to his senses.

I think there's a certain type of parent out there who's looking for a rigid set of 'rules' to follow to the letter. It removes ambiguity for them and let them defer to a higher power.

It's probably to do with their own insecurities, though I don't blame people for that, it's very hard to feel secure in yourself these days.

I agree laurie. Rigid child care and educational theorists also have a tendency to tell parents that their child will be irreparably damaged if the theory isn’t followed to the letter.

The problem is worse when, like Steiner, the proponent has been dead for almost a century and the only thing that remains is books written long before most advances in modern medicine and science.

@hmmhohmmm
I don't think it would suit a quiet shy child at all. Part of the ethos is to not intervene with bullying. At all.

OP try and think long term. My DB has kids and brings them up with same wankerish bollocks. BUT once they get past toddler stage I have found we can have a nice aunt relationship- I don't see them v often but they do have good memory for fun aunts and although parents are controlling they can't control Everything and Everyone forever.

Yes I agree it would not suit a quiet shy child at all. There is a belief in karma. So that children chose their parents, which leads to claims from some parents that steiner schools have not reported abusive parents to Social Services, as the children chose those parents before they were born.
Also that if children are ill or disabled this is because of their karma and something they have to work through.
That children hitting or bullying other children, should be left to work it out between themselves. There are lots of parents on the internet complaining that when their child was bullied, they spoke to the teacher who promised to sort it out, and nothing happened at all. I mean nothing, not ineffective interventions, just nothing.
Steiner schools seem to believe that parents are best kept at bay in terms of what actually happens in the classroom.

I understand why some parents are attracted to Steiner schools and nurseries. But most I suspect do not understand the philosophy beyond wooden toys, learning to read later, and a general hippyish vibe. I suspect that if Steiner schools were honest to parents about what they believed and did, that far fewer parents would send their kids there. And this is my major issue with Steiner schools.

It would not surprise me if L Ron Hubbard was influenced by Steiner and Anthroposophy.

This is a really good first hand account of how children learn about the religion Steiner schools practise, without ever being actually sat down and taught it.
sites.google.com/site/waldorfwatch/i-went-to-waldorf

Oh how very strange I got the impression from the one I was at it was all very quiet and calm and my DS was too loud and messy as a toddler for it really - he loves bright colours and plastic tat 😅

I think nearly all kids love bright colours and plastic tat.
I think the nurseries/pre school stuff tends to be just a bit hippyish and they save the more unusual beliefs for kids who have been at the school for a couple of years.

I like this quote -

"Waldorf schools generally acknowledge that their methods are based on Anthroposophy (i.e., the clairvoyant "insights" of Rudolf Steiner and his followers), but they say they do not teach Anthroposophy to the students. This is not quite true, but for the moment let's accept it as true. How reassuring is it? Consider this analogy. Imagine a school that says "All of our methods are based on telepathic messages received from Mars. However, we do not teach the children to receive telepathic messages from Mars." Would you be reassured? Would you send your child to that school?"

sites.google.com/site/waldorfwatch/advice-for-parents