Steiner schools, plastic presents and family meltdowns

[WutheringBites]

I’ve namechanged because it’s a bit spottable. Basically, I went to a lot of effort to buy really cute old style fisher price toys for my nieces (who live abroad) and have been told third hand that their parents have hidden them because the children (preschoolers) aren’t allowed to play with anything “plastic”. Apparently it’s against the rules of their nursery.

I’ve now been told, parents are upset because I got them something similar last year.

AIBU that

1. I feel really put out that the children aren’t getting the presents I went to quite a lot of expense and effort to get;
2. That no one bothered to tell me that they weren’t allowed anything except wood?
3. That they didn’t get last years presents either.

And is this rule about only wooden stuff something I should have known? Is it a general Steiner thing?

I’m also really sad that it puts an extra distance between me (as their Aunty) and my DC (as cousins) when we already live in a different country. Due to family pressures it’s really difficult for me to travel to see them; and they don’t come to us at all (but I’ve invited them lots). I feel so upset. I only have one sibling; and no cousins, etc. 😰 I feel I’ve messed up, but didn’t know; and I know I’ll just end up sitting sobbing if I try to phone and talk about it. Arrrgh. 😰

Tbf they just both sound like a pair of ungrateful knobs.

Toys named after urine??

Steiner was a Nazi. Steiner's educational philosophy is bollocks & his schools are shit.

I once had an interview at a Steiner school. I was expecting liberal, child centred education. I thought that, free of any national curriculum, teachers would be free to develop a curriculum for the modern world and explore new teaching methods, to educate children to be critical thinkers ready for the world around them.

Instead I learned that the true Steiner teachers (I wouldn’t be one) took their inspiration from decades-old Steiner texts. There was no progression at all of either curriculum or teaching methods. What was good enough 50 years ago was good enough today.

I was so shocked. As a professional I expect to learn and develop all the time. Our world changes, resources change, we discover new ways of doing things. There’s no way I could have worked in such a stale environment where the only aspiration was to get closer to Steiner’s original rule book.

*When DIL was pregnant, she got friendly with another mum who was big into Steiner etc. She started to get a bit into it all until Other Mum told her she used Rescue Remedy to prevent her toddler having tantrums.

DIL checked the ingredients and found it was 20-something % "grape alcohol" or similar: this woman was basically giving her kid alcohol!*

Misses point of thread but.... I think that Bach Rescue Remedy is amazing stuff. As you only take a drop or two of it at a time, the amount of alcohol it contains is absolutely tiny. Has got me through exams, root canal treatment and implant dental appointments, job interviews, my wedding, various cycles of IVF, and my father's funeral, and it is supposed to be safe for children, pets and plants etc. No direct link with Steiner as far as I know.

OP: I think your relatives were a bit rude and thoughtless not to have told you there was a problem with plastic toys - they are in the wrong, not you. However, there are loads of lovely things (wooden toys and lots more) you can get your DNs if you want to build a link with them. Floris Books might be a good start for some research, or else ask their parents for suggestions.

Bach Rescue Remedies can sometimes produce a positive placebo effect but that's it. They're similar to homeopathy, i.e. just alcohol or water.

Toys named after urine. Do you mean Tomy's Tinkle Tots?

The only thing I could come up with was Little Tykes Wee Waffle building blocks

I think they were talking about the Wii as it was in the same breath as X-Boxes! ;)

Wii or P(pee)S whatever ?

Oh yes, wii! Didn't think of that!

Sorry....toys named after urine = Wii

Anyway it was a complete waste of time banning them from the household, my dc's are now teenagers and permanently glued to screens.

WutheringBites your post of Fri 28-Dec-18 09:31:06 on the shutting down you experienced and your sense of loss is echoed in the observations of many families and friends who have lost members to cults.

The shutting down is what my dear friend experienced when her DD developed depression and anorexia while in a Steiner school. They circled the wagons and excluded the family. The 'us and them' mentality that my friend had formerly accepted (it came in the form of 'our education system is superior to everything else' so it was easier to feel good about it) revealed its dark side. People she thought were friends were wary of keeping up the relationship with her as they worried about their standing in the Steiner community (a close knit one). My friend felt she was treated like a leper of olden days.

And no way would Steiner suit a quiet child. I think it would take a child with the hide of a rhinoceros to flourish in a Steiner school, whether outgoing or quiet.

My friend's DD was a very outgoing little girl, parents both gregarious extroverts, herself an extrovert too. Very well educated family, very artsy, extremely intelligent, comfortable in any social group thanks in part to a very varied family heritage with many cultures represented in their extended family and thanks also to personalities.

As a young child this girl and my youngest DD spent all day every day together, playing, singing, jumping around, running, inventing games, talking non stop, drawing, and after much begging, DD who had been reading for two years at that point taught her little friend to read. Very curious therefore, and eager to learn new things, to understand, to get to the bottom of topics that interested her. The child was and remains highly sensitive, very tuned in to moods and undercurrents, and the environment almost destroyed her - it may well turn out that it will.

Beerflavourednipples thank you so much for revisiting that blog!

I had a wooden rocking chair for nursing that was exactly like that when DC1 was born. It was a terrible design for feeding a baby because the arm rests were too high. After walloping poor DD1's little forehead off them one too many times while lifting her up to burp I abandoned it in favour of the couch. Then a friend of exH's sat down heavily in it one day and it collapsed under him, saving me a trip to Goodwill and the bother of figuring out how to fit the chair into the car for it journey to the donation bay.
The mama rocking chair we found in our attic - a discard from the landlord - who knew?
Yes... there is a reason that chair was in the attic. It's an awkward shape for fitting into a car top take to the tip. No doubt she found out the hard way that it's actually a grandpa chair.

blog.mamaliberated.com/sew_liberated/2009/09/index.html
The EC thing was an idea whose drawbacks became apparent pretty soon, it seems.

OP I think you have every right to feel hard done by. The toys you chose are vintage, recycled and have serviced many generations of children. And if looked after, can be passed on to their children and their children's children. Had you chosen brand new off the shelf plastic then I could partly understand their need to hide it away.

However what I can't understand is why they haven't told you their beliefs. But from your comments I get the impression your DB isn't so fussed and takes a back seat whilst it's his DW who takes the lead and makes the decisions of what family philosophy they follow and how strictly they adhere to it. If this is the case I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself and remind yourself you didn't know what you didn't know. You had the very best of intentions and it is not your fault if your family do not communicate with you.

I also think because they haven't bothered to communicate I would be asking for the toys back, then resell them and put the money aside for the children in future. Also for future birthdays and Christmas I think send a card and token present and put the rest of the money you would have spent in the bank for when the children are older.

From comments above they may need the money for counselling or a
SWAT team to rescue them from the cult. I'm being flippant now but ultimately what I'm trying to say is don't feel bad for trying to do something nice.

Rebel think children should be taught to read when they're ready. DD was ready at 3, DS2's only just ready at 7.

Totally agree Philomena. DC3 started to read at 2 and nothing could have stopped him. DC2 started to read at 6 and suffered lots of anxiety from school trying to force him into it before he was ready.

Steiner apparently thought it was wrong to breastfeed past 9 months. I wondered if anyone had come across this in nurseries, especially if they were still breastfeeding?

Parents in many Steiner schools are discouraged from asking about their child's day in order to let her spirit incarnate properly without bringing her into too much intellect.
When you apply to a Steiner school you will usually be given a questionnaire asking for lots of information including details about your labour, what you feed your child, what they dream about what their poo

is like, etc. In at least one school, this information was used in child study meetings were staff talked about children who were not "fitting in". They used this information to make judgements on the child's upbringing, past life and karma, and then instructed the parents about what they needed to do to remedy the situation.

Children are taught in Steiner schools that there are 12 senses, that dragons and other mystical creatures are real, and a lot of other unscientific nonsense.

wutheringbites Agree that this exclusion seems common. One person I read explained it by saying that schools only focus is to spread anthrophosopy. That is it. So when a child leaves the school and anything to do with this philosophy, they are no longer of any concern at all to the school, and thus not worth even minimal energy of acknowledging them.

Add to that if parents take their child out because of very valid concerns about the school, then the last thing the school would want is for those concerns to be shared with and listened to by other parents. So parents are led to believe that the family leaving are not the type Steiner people want to associate with. It is a subtle but effective pressure.

It is nothing to do with your friend or their family beyond them removing their child from the school. They have done nothing wrong.

I would go with art materials from one of the following Steiner-friendly stores.... Conscious Craft, Myriad or Yes Bebe. Steiner schools usually use Stockmar beeswax crayons and paints.

I don't think there is an issue with the parents wanting to influence the type of toy their children play with. There's a lot to be said for the simplicity of Waldorf toys and the way children interact with them. I do think the parents should have let you know about their choices though, especially after last year. Perhaps they don't want to be seen as demanding ( or get some of the judgement spouted on here) and didn't think you would find out about the rejection of your gifts.

blueberry Rescue Remedy's also invaluable for calming pubescent hormones.

In at least one school, this information was used in child study meetings were staff talked about children who were not "fitting in". They used this information to make judgements on the child's upbringing, past life and karma, and then instructed the parents about what they needed to do to remedy the situation.
abacucat

Make that at least two schools - my friend was given advice on her daughter's diet about age 8-9, which she followed. There were quite a few foods and food components that she wasn't supposed to have - gluten, eggs, a few other things.

The message my friend got was that her daughter was presenting to them as a problem. Back then she bought into the whole business and was anxious to go along with the advice. Now she looks back and sees the germ of her daughter's anorexia.

Italic failure - meant to italicise the whole first paragraph.

Op doesn’t know her sisters alternative and into steiner type things and op’s sister complaining about well meant presents: the sisters don’t get on and gift giving is reflecting the family dynamic.

Normally if someone gives something you don’t like: say thank you, be grateful for the gesture, take the present the charity shop and don’t tell anyone about it.