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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is a bit of an arse?

111 replies

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:04

Good Evening all,

I've been with my BF for 18 months, I have a 5 year old LO. There have been a couple of scenarios that have raised alarm bells in our relationship, and I have reached a point where I am reconsidering it altogether.

He earns double what I do and I also have LO, plus more expenses as I rent and drive/maintain a car whilst he owns a property.

He is more than happy to do things alone if I can't come. For example, there is a group couples holiday planned for next year involving his friends and their girlfriends/partners. I said I would struggle to go financially, so he is going without me. He at no point offered to help, or to find a solution so that I was able to come. To make matters worse, one of the couples isn't going because one half of the couple couldn't afford it. I have been really struggling with this since it was booked a couple of months ago.

I didn't see him over Christmas so we arranged to go on a group night out for New Year. Additional expenses kept being added on so I have also expressed that I may not be able to come out for New Year, due to not realising initially how expensive everything would be (factoring in taxis, hotel, food, drinks etc. we're talking over £200!) He has said it is fine for me not to come but he will still be going . For him not to offer to help out, or find an alternative for us to do together I just find strange.

This is just a couple of scenarios that have cropped up over the last 18 months.

It doesn't help that I am an overly generous person. I am not one to count pennies and I would always chip in if I could help someone take part. I've paid for taxis/meals/drinks countless times if he hasn't had the disposable that month or my friends haven't. It's just in my nature; I hate to leave people out or to see people struggling. If my BF couldn't do something then I wouldn't go without him. I wouldn't want to!

Despite the above, he is generous in other ways. He has paid for countless dinners and drinks when we've been out. He has contributed towards bills when he has come to stay, plus petrol for the car when he has used it. He took me away for the weekend when it was my birthday. I have equally done these sorts of things for him. We have a real laugh together, get on amazingly, he is good with my LO.

AIBU?

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 27/12/2018 19:08

I think YABU, a little bit.

He can’t be expected to bankroll you indefinitely and probably sees you as a girlfriend and not a partner per se. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here. Mismatched financial circumstances is up there with mismatched sex drives as an underlying issue that can destroy otherwise good relationships.

Good luck, hope you can work something out

MrsChollySawcutt · 27/12/2018 19:08

He doesn't sound ungenerous. Not sure I'd be expecting him to pay for both of you when you don't live together and have separate finances.

If you can't afford it why are you expecting him to pay for you as well as himself??

Crimbobimbo · 27/12/2018 19:10

I think people will pile on you and say YANBU for expecting him to pay you in, but I agree with you. I've paid for partners and been paid for by partners when the balance wasn't equal, it's what people do when they care about each other. Or they do things everyone can afford. He sounds selfish and not that into you.

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2018 19:10

Yeah I think you're being unreasonable as you don't live together yet and you have separate finances
I don't think he's wrong to do things without you

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:10

It's not that I am expecting him to pay. But to not even offer to see if he couple help, or see if we could do something together as an alternative instead... That is what I would do in these situations.

OP posts:

Crimbobimbo · 27/12/2018 19:10

and say YABU

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/12/2018 19:11

If he generally pays for bills, petrol, nights out... not paying for you to go on holiday seems reasonable. He's your boyfriend not husband.

Do you think it's going somewhere or not?

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/12/2018 19:13

Well, he's perfectly reasonable in not wanting to bankroll you (I can't really see how it's going to be give and take when he has so much more disposable than you) and he's also reasonable in not wanting to miss out on events because you can't come.

That said, I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't by this point just chuck finances in together even though that would mean him paying for you - after 18 months I'd want him to see us as a unit, be contemplating living together etc - it sounds like he is not contemplating this therefore I'd be wary of the future.

GhostSauce · 27/12/2018 19:14

Hmm, it's a tricky one. You've only been together 18m and don't live together. I don't think he should be expected to forgo things that you cannot afford, especially the holiday. I think it's unfair to suggest that if you can't go he shouldn't either.

If you'd been together several years and lived together I think it's a different case to an extent. But even then one person shouldn't have to sacrifice doing things for the other person.

Could he afford to help you pay for part of the holiday? What % of it would you be able to pay?

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:17

He could afford to help me, and I could afford to pay a percentage of it. But it never even gets to that discussion as he doesn't offer. As soon as I say finances may be an issue for me he just says he will go on his own.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 19:19

@MyKingdomForBrie i agree with you

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/12/2018 19:19

I’m not sure I’d want to be with someone who would rather be with mates, nye, holidays etc without me. I’m not saying my dp should be joined at the hip, or I’m not suggesting he should pay either, I think yabu to expect that, but I’d like to think he’d rather be with me for at least some of the outings

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2018 19:21

Re the holiday, would you be taking your 5yo with? So he'd have to pay for both of you, and the dynamic of the holiday would be totally changed? Or just you?

Dieu · 27/12/2018 19:24

Maybe alarm bells are ringing for him, as he sees this situation as how it's always going to be. A one-off would be different, but it does sound like the same thing keeps cropping up.
You are mismatched in terms of your finances, and I think you need to have a frank discussion about your relationship in this context.
Maybe he has had his fingers burnt in the past with this kind of thing. Who knows.
I hope you can reach some resolve, and if it makes you feel any better, I can totally see your view as well as his. Maybe a compromise could be reached, in that you always get plenty of advance warning to be able to save for occasions. Or he covers the cost of one such event, and you do it next time.
Whatever happens, you definitely need to talk, before resentment builds on either side.

CanuckBC · 27/12/2018 19:28

I would think at 18 months he would offer to pay your way! The least he could do if he wanted you there... He seems to not care either way🤷🏻‍♀️ That would be the part that bothers me.

Especially the New Years plan the increased in price over time that you had no control over.

He either wants to be with you or he doesn’t. Which is it?!? Have you brought him up on this?

Then again, you guys (general speaking) have a different idea on money then we (Canadian) seem to. It just seems odd to me that he wouldn’t offer to pay for you to go.

TheZeppo · 27/12/2018 19:36

At 18 months (boyfriend/girlfriend status) I completely agree with him. It sounds fairly equal on the dating front (him paying slightly more I think?) and not stingy.

Would you be taking your child? Or is it couples only?

I think you need to talk about where you’re going, but I don’t think he’s wrong not to be offering at the moment.

toucan12 · 27/12/2018 19:38

YABU for expecting him to pay for you (offering is the same thing).

YABU for expecting him not to go on holiday with his friends because you can't go. It would be different if it was a holiday with both your friends and his friends.

However YANBU for thinking perhaps he should spend important times of the year with you, like celebrating NYE, and therefore change his plans to accommodate your circumstances.

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/12/2018 19:38

I think it all hinges on whether you consider 18 months, not living together, a serious partnership or not. I would be wary of paying for someone's holiday who's a 'boyfriend' and not so much if someone was a 'partner'.

If it really is about spending time together, and NYE and Christmas are important, that's a different question. That's why I think it's important to ask yourself if this is serious and going somewhere. It's possible that you are Ms. Right Now not Ms. Right for him.

ItIsChristmasTime · 27/12/2018 19:42

I also think YABU as you have separate households and finances. It’s not up to him to bankroll you or support a child that isn’t his and doesn’t even live with him.

Slothslothsloth · 27/12/2018 19:48

I think YABU about the holiday. But YANBU about new year. I would expect my DP to want to be with me at new year, so if I couldn’t afford something I would assume we would arrange an alternative together. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for me, though.

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:52

I do not expect him to bankroll me. Let me make it clear:

What I find weird is:

Not seeing if there is a possibility I could come. I do not expect him to pay for the entire event(s) but things like: 'Is there a way I could help?' 'Could we cut back on X, Y, Z so that we can both go' 'Why don't we do X, Y, Z instead.'

All of the above are things I have said/offered in the past when he hasn't been able to afford to do things. For example, there was a big night out planned recently with all my of my friends. He couldn't afford to go and he's just had expenditure on repairs for his place, so I paid for our entire evening. I would never have effectively just said, 'Ah well, I guess you won't be coming then!'

I wouldn't consider going without him. I find it strange that he would want to do all of these things without me, when everyone else there will be a couple, and we could be spending that time doing something else together.

I would never ask him to contribute to LO. Never have done, never would unless living together. Holiday would not involve LO so no change of dynamic or additional costs to consider etc.

OP posts:

magoria · 27/12/2018 19:55

The holiday I sort of understand.

However it is shitty to not even consider offering for NYE when you have paid your way for things when he is skint.

You clearly see the pair of you as more where as he just sees you as his girlfriend.

BeanTownNancy · 27/12/2018 19:57

It all just depends on the person and how they feel. Me and DH wouldn't usually want to go away leaving the other one behind just because of cost, even when we were just dating, if we both wanted to go (if one of us didn't want to then no worries.)
But BIL and his partner have been together for 10 years, live together etc but have completely separate finances, give separate gifts and often go away without each other if one can't get time off work or can't afford it.

Neither couple is right or wrong, we are just different. If it's not something you are happy with for the rest of your life then say something now - maybe he just doesn't realist its important to you yet.

TeddybearBaby · 27/12/2018 19:58

I agree with you and he wouldn’t be for me. I’m really generous as well though and I think when other people aren’t especially a bf it’s a problem. For me it’s because I know if the roles were reversed I’d be paying cos I wouldn’t care about the money I’d just want to be together. I’m not sure what the answer is for you. My husband is the same as me so it never came up 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheZeppo · 27/12/2018 20:02

Honestly, maybe you just view things differently? I don’t mean to be an arse, I just mean maybe he takes it at face value when you say you’ll have to bow out?

I do that. I’d expect the other person to suggest alternatives, as I’d probably think they just wanted a way out

BUT I do think this is easily solved with a “where are we going” conversation.

Have a lovely New Years, regardless of what you do

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