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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is a bit of an arse?

111 replies

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:04

Good Evening all,

I've been with my BF for 18 months, I have a 5 year old LO. There have been a couple of scenarios that have raised alarm bells in our relationship, and I have reached a point where I am reconsidering it altogether.

He earns double what I do and I also have LO, plus more expenses as I rent and drive/maintain a car whilst he owns a property.

He is more than happy to do things alone if I can't come. For example, there is a group couples holiday planned for next year involving his friends and their girlfriends/partners. I said I would struggle to go financially, so he is going without me. He at no point offered to help, or to find a solution so that I was able to come. To make matters worse, one of the couples isn't going because one half of the couple couldn't afford it. I have been really struggling with this since it was booked a couple of months ago.

I didn't see him over Christmas so we arranged to go on a group night out for New Year. Additional expenses kept being added on so I have also expressed that I may not be able to come out for New Year, due to not realising initially how expensive everything would be (factoring in taxis, hotel, food, drinks etc. we're talking over £200!) He has said it is fine for me not to come but he will still be going . For him not to offer to help out, or find an alternative for us to do together I just find strange.

This is just a couple of scenarios that have cropped up over the last 18 months.

It doesn't help that I am an overly generous person. I am not one to count pennies and I would always chip in if I could help someone take part. I've paid for taxis/meals/drinks countless times if he hasn't had the disposable that month or my friends haven't. It's just in my nature; I hate to leave people out or to see people struggling. If my BF couldn't do something then I wouldn't go without him. I wouldn't want to!

Despite the above, he is generous in other ways. He has paid for countless dinners and drinks when we've been out. He has contributed towards bills when he has come to stay, plus petrol for the car when he has used it. He took me away for the weekend when it was my birthday. I have equally done these sorts of things for him. We have a real laugh together, get on amazingly, he is good with my LO.

AIBU?

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 27/12/2018 20:06

I'd not be happy either OP as I'm like you with finding ways to help others. Where there's s will there's a way in my opinion. He doesn't seem bothered that you can't go so to me that says he's not that into you. He's still at the stage where his mates come first whereas you are a mother and are used to putting others first. My exH was like this and never grew up. You aren't well matched. I'd cut your losses and find someone on the same level.

Hanuman · 27/12/2018 20:13

- Not seeing if there is a possibility I could come. I do not expect him to pay for the entire event(s) but things like: 'Is there a way I could help?'

You have said this "help" thing a couple of times - what kind of help do you mean if not just paying for you?

I would find what you're saying really annoying hinting to be paid for.

I wouldn't be joining finances at 18 months so it feels fine to me. Your life choices mean you have less money.

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 20:13

I wouldn't consider going without him. I find it strange that he would want to do all of these things without me, when everyone else there will be a couple, and we could be spending that time doing something else together.

But he DOES want to go to these events without you and he's happy to accept that YOU will pay for him when he's a bit short

I think you know he's a twat

Get rid

Notwiththeseknees · 27/12/2018 20:14

FWIW, if I loved someone and wanted to spend quality time with them, if they couldn't afford what I wanted to do, I would pay for them without a second thought. If they wanted to do something else cheaper, to fit within their budget, I would do that. To spend time in their company.
I'm sorry, maybe he isn't that into you. Find a man who isn't a martyr to him money and is not prepared to be without you at events such as NYE.

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/12/2018 20:18

When you paid for him did he pay you back?

ashtrayheart · 27/12/2018 20:24

I would find it upsetting that he wasn’t bothered enough about me not being able to go, I think.

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 20:27

You have said this "help" thing a couple of times - what kind of help do you mean if not just paying for you?

'How much are you able to afford?'
'Could I lend you some or all of the money?'
'I will be paying for a double room regardless of whether you come or not, why don't you just pay for your flight?''
'I know you don't ask for a contribution when I stay over, and I don't always offer, so why don't I pay 50/50 towards the household when I am over? Could that help?'

When you paid for him did he pay you back?

No he didn't. He said he couldn't afford it as he was skint that month, I said don't worry about it, I will pay for us both. End of conversation. He didn't offer to pay me back, I didn't ask him to. I never would. I enjoy spending my money so me and my partner can have shared experiences.

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 27/12/2018 20:36

“I can’t afford to go out for new year as I paid for your night out that time. Sorry.”

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 20:38

I also bought Christmas presents on his behalf for his friends/family as I pay for amazon prime (it cost £30). Never asked for the money back from him, he said he would pay me back and has forgotten.

Starting to get wound up about that as well. Maybe I should use JennyHolzersGhost approach.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/12/2018 20:41

I also bought Christmas presents on his behalf for his friends/family as I pay for amazon prime (it cost £30). Never asked for the money back from him, he said he would pay me back and has forgotten.

That is really not OK. At all.

Don't cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't step over a puddle for you.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 20:47

He sounds incredibly tight. I don't know a bloke who wouldn't treat his girlfriend to a night out for NY if she couldn't afford it. Also with the holiday - in his shoes I'd rather spend the money on somewhere we could go together rather than go on my own and leave you behind.

He's not shy about asking you for help, though, is he?

I think meanness is one of the worst characteristics to have in a boyfriend and I would dump him.

cstaff · 27/12/2018 20:54

Sorry OP but he is a tight arse. Better to find out now rather than be married and only start to realise it. No normal couple would leave their bf or gf at home rather than offering to cover particularly for just a night out. Regarding the holiday as others have said he would suggest somewhere cheaper rather than leaving you behind.

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 20:54

We've had discussions about his selfishness in the past and he's admitted he's been selfish and will try harder. He wants us to start planning to live together next year, so he sees us as serious but not serious enough that he's not willing to leave me out on night outs and holidays.

OP posts:

ScreamingBadSanta · 27/12/2018 20:56

I think you are more into him than he is into you. The finances are a bit of a red herring - it's the fact he doesn't see spending time with you as a priority.

That would be fine if you were both in the same place, but you clearly want to do the major things as a couple, and he's not there (yet).

After 18 months, you should consider whether this is likely to change, or whether you'll have to accept you want different things, or whether you should move on.

Motoko · 27/12/2018 20:57

Oh, get that money back off him OP! Fucking cheek he's got.

He's not that into you I'm afraid, or otherwise he'd want to spend that time with you (especially NYE), so would either offer to pay, or do something else you can afford.

He also does sound quite tight, he seems completely ok with you paying for him, but doesn't reciprocate.

Bin him. He's not a keeper.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 21:09

Ask him for the money he owes you for his family’s gifts: why did you say not to pay you back, when he is wealthier than you and money is sometimes an issue for you? Pretty bad that he’s not paid already.

Being “overly generous” isn’t always a good thing. You have a DC to support.

Otherwise sounds like he’s not that into you: he is giving higher priority to “treats” with his friends. Wouldn’t have him around your DD much given how things stand.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 21:13

“He has paid for countless dinners and drinks when we've been out“. Do you mean he has paid for you pretty often/spent much more on dates than you have, or that he sometimes pays and you sometimes pay and it roughly evens out? If the former, it seems U to be annoyed that he won’t subsidise you for nights away / holidays.

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 21:16

I didn't ask for the money back because I don't count the pennies, especially when I am in a relationship. My attitude was, 'ah well I am sure it will come around and he will pay me back some way or another.' I've never had this issue with money in other relationships, it's always been very 50/50 and if one of us can't afford it the other will pay or help out etc. He was the one who said he would pay me back and then 'forgot'.

Being “overly generous” isn’t always a good thing. You have a DC to support.

I am overly generous with what I can afford and have as disposable income. I live well within my means.

OP posts:

OMGFFS · 27/12/2018 21:17

Sounds like a tight git tbh LTB

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 21:18

Do you mean he has paid for you pretty often/spent much more on dates than you have, or that he sometimes pays and you sometimes pay and it roughly evens out? If the former, it seems U to be annoyed that he won’t subsidise you for nights away / holidays.

It roughly evens to 50/50 I would say. I always pay for petrol when we go out for the day. He only contributes to petrol if he has exclusively used my car for something. I pay for dates too, drinks, food and bills when he is over.

OP posts:

Calmingvibrations · 27/12/2018 21:23

I think it’s a bit odd. After 18 months. If it’s serious. My OH earnt way more than I did and I had very little money. I never expected him to pay for stuff as I was always happy doing cheap things or staying in, but if it was expensive then he’d have to pay or I wouldn’t be part of it. He would never have chosen to celebrate without me over paying for me or doing something different for us. Ultimately it’s what works or not for you.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 21:25

Some people home in on a generous person and will happily bleed them dry. When it comes down to paying their own way, they shoot off, aghast. I think this man is like that.

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 22:25

He would never have chosen to celebrate without me over paying for me or doing something different for us. Ultimately it’s what works or not for you.

This is me.

OP posts:

TeddybearBaby · 27/12/2018 22:29

What are you going to do about it do you think?

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 22:33

The holiday is one thing but to leave you alone on NYE because he wants to spend a fortune? Hell no. He should rather a cheap or free one with you over a flashy night without

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