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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is a bit of an arse?

111 replies

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:04

Good Evening all,

I've been with my BF for 18 months, I have a 5 year old LO. There have been a couple of scenarios that have raised alarm bells in our relationship, and I have reached a point where I am reconsidering it altogether.

He earns double what I do and I also have LO, plus more expenses as I rent and drive/maintain a car whilst he owns a property.

He is more than happy to do things alone if I can't come. For example, there is a group couples holiday planned for next year involving his friends and their girlfriends/partners. I said I would struggle to go financially, so he is going without me. He at no point offered to help, or to find a solution so that I was able to come. To make matters worse, one of the couples isn't going because one half of the couple couldn't afford it. I have been really struggling with this since it was booked a couple of months ago.

I didn't see him over Christmas so we arranged to go on a group night out for New Year. Additional expenses kept being added on so I have also expressed that I may not be able to come out for New Year, due to not realising initially how expensive everything would be (factoring in taxis, hotel, food, drinks etc. we're talking over £200!) He has said it is fine for me not to come but he will still be going . For him not to offer to help out, or find an alternative for us to do together I just find strange.

This is just a couple of scenarios that have cropped up over the last 18 months.

It doesn't help that I am an overly generous person. I am not one to count pennies and I would always chip in if I could help someone take part. I've paid for taxis/meals/drinks countless times if he hasn't had the disposable that month or my friends haven't. It's just in my nature; I hate to leave people out or to see people struggling. If my BF couldn't do something then I wouldn't go without him. I wouldn't want to!

Despite the above, he is generous in other ways. He has paid for countless dinners and drinks when we've been out. He has contributed towards bills when he has come to stay, plus petrol for the car when he has used it. He took me away for the weekend when it was my birthday. I have equally done these sorts of things for him. We have a real laugh together, get on amazingly, he is good with my LO.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/12/2018 13:24

I agree with you, OP.
You've subsidised him when he has been apparently skint, I don't see why he can't do the same.
I'm sure when he has paid for you, it's been on his terms.
You are not a priority for him.

MrsChollySawcutt · 28/12/2018 14:13

This doesn't make sense - if you are subbing him because he can't afford to buy Xmas presents for people how the hell is he going to afford to pay for you to go on holiday?

There's a massive difference between lending £30 for presents which I'm sure you will get back if you remind him and expecting someone to pay your way on a holiday. I'm not sure why you want hi. To do that, personally being paid for would make me uncomfortable especially as it doesn't sound like he can afford it anyway.

Polkapjs · 28/12/2018 14:34

You are better than him choosing a single life rather than spending significant celebrations with you. Ditch him

snoutandab0ut · 28/12/2018 15:19

He isn’t choosing a single life though - if he actively wasn’t inviting you to anywhere then I’d say yes he’s being an arsehole. But he DOES want you there. He’s inviting you. You can’t afford to go. It’s not a deliberate decision to exclude you

BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 19:43

He DOESN’T want you there OP, otherwise he would pay you what he owes instead of short changing you, leaving you and your Child short. He sounds like an utter knob truth be told. End this before he bankrupts you.

Motoko · 28/12/2018 22:36

It’s not a deliberate decision to exclude you

He knows she can't afford to go, so the invite is merely so he can say "Well, I did invite you". It's a pointless invitation.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2018 22:43

He does sound a bit mean to me. In the early days of our relationship when dp was earning well and I was a penniless student nurse he definitely paid or part paid for me to join him on events I couldn't otherwise have afforded, I assume because he enjoyed my company and wanted me to be there (and didn't want me to be sad at missing out).

I think I'd be upset at the fact he doesn't seem that bothered about being with you and you being left out.

HeebieJeebies456 · 28/12/2018 23:59

I always pay for petrol when we go out for the day. He only contributes to petrol if he has exclusively used my car for something
What if you're going out together somewhere/for the day or giving him lifts?

I can understand him going to some stuff without you , and not paying for you as otherwise that just builds up the 'will pay me back one or the other' cycle for you both.
The couples holiday though - awwwwwkward! I'd hate to go on holiday with all couples if i were single let alone with someone!

If he hasn't done anything with you over the festive period or even mentioned it then i'm afraid the whole 'moving in together' thing is probably him just future faking.
You need to ask for the money back that you're owed because he's got a boundary re how 'generous' he's willing to be and it doesn't match yours.

I'd feel shit as well though.
How would it work if you did move in together and these situations cropped up?
Or had a kid with him and were relying on his wage?
ask him.

Motoko · 29/12/2018 10:41

He could be future faking, or he could be seeing a way to reduce his outgoings, especially if they keep finances separate, and even though he earns more, he insists on going 50/50 with the bills.

DelightfulCunt · 29/12/2018 11:34

or he could be seeing a way to reduce his outgoings, especially if they keep finances separate, and even though he earns more, he insists on going 50/50 with the bills

This was my thought exactly. I’m not surprised he was talking about moving in, I bet OP has a ready made home for him to move into and I bet he’d still go out often, leaving OP at home when she can’t afford to go or can’t get childcare (not saying he shouldn’t go out sometimes of course but he doesn’t seem set on being part of the family)

PuppyMonkey · 29/12/2018 11:50

I’m trying to look back on the time when I was 18 months into my relationship with DP and imagining a scenario where I said I couldn’t go out For NYE with him because of money, he’d go: “Oh dear, well I’m still going. see ya.”

Has he even enquired what you’ll be doing instead?

Sorry for the NYE thing alone, I’d LTB never mind the rest

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