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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is a bit of an arse?

111 replies

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 19:04

Good Evening all,

I've been with my BF for 18 months, I have a 5 year old LO. There have been a couple of scenarios that have raised alarm bells in our relationship, and I have reached a point where I am reconsidering it altogether.

He earns double what I do and I also have LO, plus more expenses as I rent and drive/maintain a car whilst he owns a property.

He is more than happy to do things alone if I can't come. For example, there is a group couples holiday planned for next year involving his friends and their girlfriends/partners. I said I would struggle to go financially, so he is going without me. He at no point offered to help, or to find a solution so that I was able to come. To make matters worse, one of the couples isn't going because one half of the couple couldn't afford it. I have been really struggling with this since it was booked a couple of months ago.

I didn't see him over Christmas so we arranged to go on a group night out for New Year. Additional expenses kept being added on so I have also expressed that I may not be able to come out for New Year, due to not realising initially how expensive everything would be (factoring in taxis, hotel, food, drinks etc. we're talking over £200!) He has said it is fine for me not to come but he will still be going . For him not to offer to help out, or find an alternative for us to do together I just find strange.

This is just a couple of scenarios that have cropped up over the last 18 months.

It doesn't help that I am an overly generous person. I am not one to count pennies and I would always chip in if I could help someone take part. I've paid for taxis/meals/drinks countless times if he hasn't had the disposable that month or my friends haven't. It's just in my nature; I hate to leave people out or to see people struggling. If my BF couldn't do something then I wouldn't go without him. I wouldn't want to!

Despite the above, he is generous in other ways. He has paid for countless dinners and drinks when we've been out. He has contributed towards bills when he has come to stay, plus petrol for the car when he has used it. He took me away for the weekend when it was my birthday. I have equally done these sorts of things for him. We have a real laugh together, get on amazingly, he is good with my LO.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 22:34

What are you going to do about it do you think?

I don't really see the point in having a conversation about. We had one regarding the holiday and how I upset I was at being left out without a second thought. Then another one recently about him 'forgetting' to invite me out with his couple friends. It feels like I am just having the same conversation with him over and over again. He accepts he is being selfish and mean, then goes out without me again.

It's 18 months in. It shouldn't be this stressful.

OP posts:

UserName31456789 · 27/12/2018 22:36

Even if your finances aren't combined I can't imagine after eighteen months he wouldn't be prepared to chip in a bit extra so his girlfriend can come on a big night out (especially after you haven't seen each other over Christmas). If he has more money than you it is rather ungenerous to never treat you after 18 months together.

In terms of the holiday he's obviously sending you a message that at this point in your relationship he's still more focused on friends than the pair of you as a couple. He could have avoided the group holiday and organised a couple holiday for the pair of you - or chipped in for you to come too but he didn't. There's not necessarily anything wrong with his decision but it shows you where his priorities lie.

Have you discussed the future? Do you think that since you have a child he always sees the relationship continuing as two people with separate lives - do you think he doesn't really see a long term future?

crispysausagerolls · 27/12/2018 22:37

Didn’t you post about this recently?

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 22:40

Do would never have just ditched me, I was an au pair when we met. £50 a week! He didn’t have much either so we had quiet nights at home

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 22:43

If he has more money than you it is rather ungenerous to never treat you after 18 months together.

He does treat me. He will pay for us when we go out to eat, drinks, with friends etc. So do I. We treat one another in that respect. He took me away for my birthday. But then situations like this crop up and I end up getting left out.

We have discussed moving in together in the new year. So in that regard, he does see us as having a long term future.

Didn’t you post about this recently?

I have posted about out relationship before, but not this particular 'tightness' and left out issue.

OP posts:

snoutandab0ut · 27/12/2018 22:43

I can see why you feel it’s mean (and I am a very separate finances type person) as I can understand that it comes across as he just doesn’t want you there, but I really think more detail is needed. If those are the only two occasions (and they are big-ish occasions, not just a regular night down the pub) and he has otherwise contributed for things like household costs as you’ve said, then no, I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. However, if you’ve NEVER been out with his mates because you’ve never been able to afford it and he hasn’t thought to organise a cheaper, more low-key event to introduce you, I’d feel left out by that. But I do think YABU in your expectation that if you can’t afford it, he should either pay for you or not go. I can also see why he doesn’t want to get into a precendent of having to pay for you every time an event comes around. It wouldn’t even occur to me to pull out of a holiday or night out because my partner couldn’t afford it, even if I lived with them tbh! I might offer to lend them some money or pay for them, but if that became a regular thing I’d also be pissed off. In short I can see why you feel put out but I think you are mostly BU

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 22:47

Maybe I am either super needy or too emphatic then. I could never imagine leaving out a friend, family member or boyfriend. I would feel so bad. I have bailed out of nights out, re-arranged cheaper nights etc. because one person would struggle to come. I am someone that would rather see everyone there then one person left out.

I certainly can't imagine going to numerous nights out where my partner has been invited and I just go without him. It's not in my nature or how I have been brought up. Whenever I have confided in my family members about our relationship they all find it very strange as well.

OP posts:

SavageBeauty73 · 27/12/2018 22:48

He's tight. Get the money you spent on presents to pay for your NYE.

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 22:49

That should be empathetic, not emphatic.

OP posts:

Armchairanarchist · 27/12/2018 22:52

Have you posted this before?

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 22:53

Have you posted this before?

No I haven't! I've posted about our relationship on mumsnet before but not this situation.

OP posts:

TeddybearBaby · 27/12/2018 22:53

Maybe you’re just different / not suited? Maybe a break / no contact will do you both good. Good luck!

Pa10ma · 27/12/2018 22:55

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

It’s very odd that he wouldn’t offer to pay for you OR adapt plans so that you could do an alternative together.

As you say, this is what you would do. I think it’s about whether you want to be in a relationship where there’s this kind of “holding back” or not?

I would find this kind of behaviour in men to be a massive turn off to be honest. I know you say he treats you when you go out, but it sounds like you pay for him equally, if not more so? I would say it doesn’t bode well for the future based in what you’ve written, but obviously I don’t know the full picture. Trust your gut indtincts though - nobody posts on MN for nothing!

FrankieChips · 27/12/2018 23:02

What’s an LO?

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 23:06

Trust your gut instincts though - nobody posts on MN for nothing!

Alarm bells have been going off for a while to be honest.

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 27/12/2018 23:07

Its not that he should pay for op its that he clearly doesnt give a shit about her not being able to go.

Any normal man wouldn't go on a couples holiday without his girlfriend imo.

SheepSaucerer · 27/12/2018 23:10

It honestly doesn’t sound like you’re a big deal in his life to him. He should want you to be a part of things like couples holidays. Can you cool things off for a bit and see if he realises you’re worth more of an effort?

Original poster

pizzafanatic · 27/12/2018 23:11

*Its not that he should pay for op its that he clearly doesnt give a shit about her not being able to go.

Any normal man wouldn't go on a couples holiday without his girlfriend imo.*

This is how I feel.

Wouldn't go on a couples holidays without his girlfriend. Wouldn't go out on NYE after not seeing one another over Christmas. Wouldn't go on numerous nights out and 'forget' to invite her.

OP posts:

Lilybetsey · 27/12/2018 23:17

Don’t listen to what he says look at what he does.

He says he wants to live with you, but is completely happy to spend significant events apart, he says he knows he is selfish and is sorry - but then he does that same things again, words are cheap. Look at actions. This man is selfish, he is just not that bothered about you.

You are worth much more. Move on.

userschmoozer · 27/12/2018 23:21

Partners and friends want to do things together, and that means the group has to work within a budget that everyone can afford, at least some of the time.
I'd call time on this one.

Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 28/12/2018 00:04

I think he’s being a dick about New Year’s Eve and should either offer to pay maybe half of what it’s costing or spend it elsewhere with you but everything your being unreasonable.

Why should he have to fork out loads of money or miss out on a holiday with HIS friends. I wouldn’t expect anyone to do that so early in a relationship. If you had been together longer then yes but not at this stage. And do you expect to asked to go on every night out he has? Can he not go on nights out alone?

And considering the fact you have a luck, get along, like each other, he’s good with your LO, he pays for meals, nights out, dinners, dates, bills and pretty much everything else you could want.. is this really a dealbreaker 🤔

Do you really not feel like he cares about you because he won’t pay for you to go on holiday? Do you feel like that all the time or just these few occasional over a year and a half?

Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 28/12/2018 00:07

Perhaps your just too mismatched financially.. it may be too much for him as well as yourself if he keeps having to pay large amounts because you can’t afford it. (Which is neither of your fault but long term may not work)

Collaborate · 28/12/2018 00:13

If you're the kind of poster who calls men who don't pay their own way cocklodgers then YABVU.

Otherwise I'd say YANBU to be concerned. It appears that he doesn't value your presence on these occasions.

Belindabauer · 28/12/2018 00:29

After 18 months I would expect him to want to spend new years eve with you, whether that is a quiet night in or going out, not go out with friends.

Motoko · 28/12/2018 00:52

Going 50/50 with you paying one time, and him paying another, isn't really "treating" each other. It's going 50/50.

Ask him for the money for those Christmas present back. They were for HIS friends and family. You have a child to pay for.

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