To think my boyfriend is a bit of an arse?

[pizzafanatic]

Good Evening all,

I've been with my BF for 18 months, I have a 5 year old LO. There have been a couple of scenarios that have raised alarm bells in our relationship, and I have reached a point where I am reconsidering it altogether.

He earns double what I do and I also have LO, plus more expenses as I rent and drive/maintain a car whilst he owns a property.

He is more than happy to do things alone if I can't come. For example, there is a group couples holiday planned for next year involving his friends and their girlfriends/partners. I said I would struggle to go financially, so he is going without me. He at no point offered to help, or to find a solution so that I was able to come. To make matters worse, one of the couples isn't going because one half of the couple couldn't afford it. I have been really struggling with this since it was booked a couple of months ago.

I didn't see him over Christmas so we arranged to go on a group night out for New Year. Additional expenses kept being added on so I have also expressed that I may not be able to come out for New Year, due to not realising initially how expensive everything would be (factoring in taxis, hotel, food, drinks etc. we're talking over £200!) He has said it is fine for me not to come but he will still be going . For him not to offer to help out, or find an alternative for us to do together I just find strange.

This is just a couple of scenarios that have cropped up over the last 18 months.

It doesn't help that I am an overly generous person. I am not one to count pennies and I would always chip in if I could help someone take part. I've paid for taxis/meals/drinks countless times if he hasn't had the disposable that month or my friends haven't. It's just in my nature; I hate to leave people out or to see people struggling. If my BF couldn't do something then I wouldn't go without him. I wouldn't want to!

Despite the above, he is generous in other ways. He has paid for countless dinners and drinks when we've been out. He has contributed towards bills when he has come to stay, plus petrol for the car when he has used it. He took me away for the weekend when it was my birthday. I have equally done these sorts of things for him. We have a real laugh together, get on amazingly, he is good with my LO.

AIBU?

He’s tight with money and tight with time. Your standards should be especially high as you have your DD, I’d get rid without a second thought. That’s not how normal men behave with women they love.

He doesn’t sound particularly generous to me OP, infact I don’t see any future for you with this man

You need to get that money back you lent him to buy presents. You lent him it, not gave. He is taking away from you and your child by not paying you back. Just text him to do a bank transfer,
I agree with others; he's a bit tight and also not that into you,

To me it sounds like you're just not that important to him in his life. Or that he's not fussed if you're there when he's with his friends.

If it were me, I'd help pay for my other half if I wanted them to come along, which I would at this stage in most cases - if I didn't want them there, I'd have to ask myself if I was that interested in them at all.

It's fine for people to have their own friends and socialise with them independently, but when it's a couples' trip and he deliberately does nothing to facilitate you joining him, then he's just not that bothered about you.

I'd be recommending you bin him off as just not good longterm material.

NYE is meant to be rung in with the person we want to share the next year of our lives with, I am so sorry to say it but the fact he is ditching you for the night speaks volumes to me.

Do you think he is pushing you to dump him because he is a coward who doesn't want to do the 'breaking up'?

Someone on here said Money & Sex are the great big deal breakers and they're right. If you can't discuss your needs on either openly then you don't really have a relationship. Picture yourself at 60 going dutch all the time and being left out when you can't. I think the laughs would have stopped a long time ago. Ask yourself honestly is this how you want to live for the next 20 or 30yrs?

I don’t think you’re compatible. Neither of you are right or wrong but you are right to consider if he’s really what you want for the rest of your life. Do you really want to spend 10/20/30 years of your life with somebody who happily ditches you on NYE to party with mates rather than a) pay for you when he does owe you money anyway or b) stay home with you instead...you sound like a nice, generous person. Surely you’d be happier finding somebody who matches you?

I'd want to spend nye with my partner. He isn't bothered. Sorry op but that speaks volumes.

The holiday wouldn't bother me too much, particularly if an activity holiday (as opposed to an everyone draped pver each other type of couple's holiday). NYE though, I would expect him to do cheaper alternative or pay if he really wants to do the expensive option.
Can't believe he hasn't paid for the Christmas presents!
To me it all sounds a little convenient for him.

Hmm tricky
After 18 months and making plans to move in together I'd want more reassurance he wanted to be with me more and want to spend special occasions with me and my LO.

Doesn't sound like he's ready to give up his single life.

And, like you, I'd feel bad if somebody couldn't be part of a celebration and would chip in with a few quid if I had the money.

He wouldn't be the one for me if he didn't help me out to share special occasions with him now and again.

He accepts he is being selfish and mean, then goes out without me again.

Then he clearly isn't going to change so you have to ask yourself 'Do I want to be in a relationship with a man who, after 18 months together, goes off to celebrate the New Year without me without even a backward glance? A man who goes on a couples holiday without his actual partner again without a backwards glance?'

I wouldn't put up with it as I dislike men who are selfish and tight with their money. After 18 months together, if I couldn't afford a New Year night out I'd either expect my bf to pay for me or arrange an activity we could both afford even if that was staying in with a nice takeaway and some wine.

OP I’ve been with my dp 8 months, I’m not working due to health issues, he has a very good job. He knows I can’t afford the things he does, but I pay for what I can.

He’s paid for 3 holidays, plus another 3 booked. I’ve booked and am paying for one next year, as I can pay it monthly, unlike him who can pay it off when he books it.

We have a routine of cooking a ‘nice meal’ twice a week which I always buy the ingredients for and he provides the wine.

He pays for all our meals out, and also takes out my two teenagers and pays for them. When we have a night out he pays for drinks, and his friends buy me drinks. I always offer to buy rounds but am always told by them all no. (They all know I’m not working).

I stay at his and he at mine. We’ve never discussed contributing to each other’s bills etc, as we just see it that it works out evenly anyway.

We have been invited on a few couples holidays, and I obviously say I can’t afford it, as it’s normaly within the next month or so. He always says don’t worry about the cost, just decide if you want to go or not.

We’ve known each other for years so maybe that makes a difference 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I too am like you very generous with what I have, and am likely I’m with someone who is the same.

Like you I wouldn’t expect someone to bankroll me, but I would be hurt if I said I couldn’t do something so he done it anyway, especially if he had the means to do it. We’ve spent the whole of Christmas together, he at mine, then mine at his when my dc went to their dads.

Is there any reason why you haven’t seen each other over Christmas? If you are talking about moving in together, then I would assume that means it is serious enough, to spend some time together over the festive period.

Wouldn't go on a couples holidays without his girlfriend. Wouldn't go out on NYE after not seeing one another over Christmas. Wouldn't go on numerous nights out and 'forget' to invite her.

He's not that into you

Get rid

I think you sound mismatched & I would end it. There are fundamental issues and differences in how you communicate & prioritise m I think these would be highlighted if you lived together

"He accepts he is being selfish and mean, then goes out without me again."
"It's 18 months in. It shouldn't be this stressful"

Because being Selfish and mean suits him, it's working in his favour.
If it's stressful now, it'll only get worse. End it sooner rather than later.

He's dangling living together, to try to show a commitment, but his actions are saying otherwise.

Get the present money back off him, you aren't a proper couple, you shouldn't be paying for his Family/Friends presents.

He's taking you for a mug. Has he said where you'll live together? Would he move into yours, take advantage, whilst renting out his property, or you move into his and pay his Mortgage?

I'll garauntee that you'll get even less, if you live together, but tbh, I don't think he's committed to you.

Partners don't go on couples holidays on their own. They don't go on NYE outings, whilst owing their Partner money and not offering to pay for the hotel, which they're paying for themselves, anyway.

Bring up the money for the presents, say you need it to make NYE special for you and your DD and carefully watch his reaction and actions.

I remember your other thread, there's red flags and alarm bells going off.

Frankiechips, LO, Little One = Child.

I’m not sure I’d want to be with someone who would rather be with mates, nye, holidays etc without me.

This ^

He has a set of friends and he has a girlfriend; he appears to prioritise the friends over the girlfriend. Fair enough occasionally but if he doesn't make any adjustment to your circumstances for events like NYE, then he doesn't really care that much about you, sorry.

Sounds as if you are an option, rather than a priority, for him.

Tell him you cant afford it after he treated you to X evening out when he couldn't afford it. Then tell him he owes you X cash for presents which you need asap for new years.

Generous is great and lovely. But sometimes generous becomes mug anc allowing themselves to be taken for granted if a user gets hold of. Yes he treats you sometimes (as you do him) but it sounds like you pay far more and he's far less bothered to see you.

You typed exactly the same stuff re the holiday in your last post.

I can’t remmeber but didn’t you end up saying you had broken up with him? Hadn’t you booked him a very expensive hotel break?

I think you just have different priorities, he doesn't sound short of money- but is happy not to spend his money on things he rather not do- like going out with your friends.
He is happy not to be included in this and would rather spend the money on going out with his friends. You on the other hand want to be included in his plans and therefore need to spend the money on both.
When he doesn't want to spend the money, you are happy to bankroll him, but not the other way around.
I would really look to stop 'lending' him money - he has no intention of ever paying it back.
I think you need to have a chat about priorities- is his friends or you. Saying that I wouldnt get to hung up on New Years, it really is just a night out, you can have a nice night together anytime - why do people feel they need to have dibs on a particular day (I am still feeling bruised after all the pulling about over Christmas day)

I completely see where you are coming from OP! When I met DH he was earning more money than I was. I would contribute and take my turn but when money ran out, then dh would pay. He would rather spend time WITH me than go without me because I couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t expect dh to pay for me but he would offer as he loved/ loves me and values my company, he would rather be with me and pay extra than have it cost less going without me. Does he like being a spare part when around other couples? I can’t imagine the holiday being much fun being the only single friend there. His friends must think he is incredibly tight!

In that situation, I would likely have saved money for spending and dh would have paid us there. That way I could split bills whilst away. The fact that he immediately chose to go without you shows exactly how much he values you! He is happy to take your money when he needs it for gifts for his family, or when he can’t afford to go out! But he doesn’t value you enough to pay your way for a NYE night out. Choosing instead to leave you alone and go out alone with his couple friends.

I’m sorry to say that your bf is showing you exactly who he is and how much you mean to him! He clearly is not that into you! If he was, he would never choose to leave you alone at home, when he could afford to take you on the night out or even on holiday with him! I don’t think you are grabby at all! I think you are realising that your bf doesn’t value you, your relationship or your company!

That would be the last stone on the coffin for me!

Regardless of anything else, you have very different values and attitudes towards money. Which will only get worse over time. I'm not sure you both are compatible long term.

The bit I don't understand is that you have said that you pay for him when he can't afford things and that you have paid for his family's Christmas presents!

Maybe if you stopped paying for him a lot of the time then you could afford to go on the holiday or NYE!

I agree with the person who said your hinting would be annoying. Could you not extend the conversation yourself? ie " Oh I don't think I would be able to afford that holiday. That is a real shame as I would love to go, do you think there is any way you could take on more of the amount so that I could afford it?" As that is basically what you mean.

Also, get that money back which you spent on Amazon! That is crazy.

Ok the more I read the more I think YABVU. You sound like one of those people that expects their partner to gradually phase out all their friends the longer they’re in a relationship. Yes, hopefully a partner will be around for a long time, maybe even for life - but if they’re not, and it breaks down, who’s going to be there to help you pick up the pieces? Friends, hopefully. He’s totally right to prioritise friends, I’d do the same. Do you expect to be invited on every night out he goes on? Why? I’d be really annoyed with a partner who wanted and expected this. From your other posts it sounds like you DO do things together and have also been out with his friends on other occasions, so it’s not like he’s excluding you from his life completely. It sounds like he has a healthy balance and you’re too reliant on him

You sound like one of those people that expects their partner to gradually phase out all their friends the longer they’re in a relationship.
I don’t think she sounds like that at all

I've seen this posted before also. But it was the mother saying her daughters boyfriend wasn't that into her as he didn't offer to pay to take her on the couples holiday with him. The holiday was a long standing thing ie they went often, was expensive, and was all his mates going. The mother apparently thought the boyfriend should not go or cough up an extra grand or something to take her daughter,