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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm such an idiot, I want to cry

164 replies

SOSHelp · 27/12/2018 13:56

Not AIBU but need some serious advice and kind words right now.

We are getting married next June, and paid £250 deposit for the catering. I have now found out the venue is closing down.

After frantically emailing and calling, I was given contact details for the (former) owner to contact for my deposit. She said she is nothing to do with the business or accounts anymore, left last month, and is now living abroad. She then gave me a number for another owner. I spoke to him, and he said the first owner has taken all the money. I don't know who to believe.

I can not believe I have lost this money. I am trying to get through to the police but unsure if there's anything they can do? Does anyone know what I can do?

OP posts:
TinselTimes · 27/12/2018 16:21

Honestly I’d say that was £250 well spent to discover that your DP is a bullying ardehole who blames you when something totally outside your control goes wrong.

The big issue here isn’t the money (which you are v unlikely to get back, sorry), it’s your relationship.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/12/2018 16:22

Far more constructive than wallowing

Well the answer is there now - so how about the constructive answer?

Let it go OP

Perhaps she should eat cake as well? Its not a trivial sum.

OP which is the greater problem for you - loss of half your catering budget or loss of the venue? Or will the new venue managers be able to hold the place for you at least if you can find the money to cover the loss? When you say small, is it small enough to book an affordable restaurant instead or do you need a function room of reasonable size?

If the owner has done a runner and the new owner does not have the liability you will struggle to get the money back and either way it will take time. I would investigate pursuing it but plan as if its lost.

Oh and your DP is an arse, if its anything more than a momentary reaction for which he apologised.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/12/2018 16:25

One of the best weddings I went to was in a hall. Instead of presents everyone bought a dish

Yes me too. They couldn't afford a big fancy wedding and already had a lot of basic house stuff so they rented the village hall, decorated it and asked people to bring a dish instead of a present.

It was a wonderful wedding, great food and a lot left over despite the choice of dish being left entirely to the guests!

GenerationSnowflake · 27/12/2018 16:37

I know literally not one person who has ever had wedding insurance in fact I didn't even know that was a thing until this thread

and I literally know not one person who didn't have wedding insurance, so how is that helpful? Grin

toucan12 · 27/12/2018 16:39

This is rubbish OP!

We had similar, paid a deposit (I think £300) to our caterers, and then they just went AWOL 2 months before the wedding, didn't reply to emails/answer the phone/comments on their facebook page etc.

We did have wedding insurance, but in the end they paid up fairly promptly when we said we would take it to small claims court (managed to track them down at the new business they had just opened).

I hope you get it back!

Everyone who is saying you haven't heard of wedding insurance... if you are not yet married it is so important! Weddings are expensive, you risk loosing an awful lot of money if venues/caterers/photographers let you down, or even if bad weather prevents it going ahead.

RB68 · 27/12/2018 16:43

If you paid with a credit card they might cover you

GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 27/12/2018 16:46

Can you cancel the cheque?

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 16:48

OP said she paid by bank transfer, which can't be recalled or cancelled.

MonsterTequila · 27/12/2018 16:51

Op do you have any documents from the venue that could be interpreted as a contract? Was the payment to their personal account or a company account?
Have they gone into liquidation?
If it was company and they’ve gone into liquidation unfortunately there’s no hope. However if it was a personal account paid into or they’re not in liquidation small claims may be the answer, but with the owner living abroad they still may not even pay.

Whisky2014 · 27/12/2018 16:52

I had wedding insurance!

CatnissEverdene · 27/12/2018 16:57

I would contact your local Trading Standards first point of call, then the CAB regarding the Small Claims court.

In total honesty though, OP, I'd be prepared to say goodbye to that money. And I'd find any local FB notice boards to post to warn others who may have booked there too.

Epwell · 27/12/2018 17:12

You could try serving a statutory demand? Look it up online - the forms are easy to find. It doesn't cost anything and sometimes gets results. But do read up about it before you do it as it's not appropriate in all circumstances.

Original poster
SOSHelp · 27/12/2018 17:15

@MonsterTequila I have the terms and conditions. The problem is the person who was in charge of this has moved abroad

OP posts:
HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 27/12/2018 17:22

Your ‘DP’ is being a twat. Maybe reconsider the marriage??

(Only half joking)

Seriously though why the fuck does he think he gets to be angry with you about something that is not your fault, at all, in any way, shape or form?

Right. How to fix this. You can’t get the money back. But you can salvage this. A tea room isn’t that great, really. It’s the people you have around you that will make your day special.

So I would get a slot in your local community hall. Buy cakes, cream etc, to have your own cream tea or afternoon tea. A lovely selection from a supermarket will probably still come in under the £250 you’ve got left for catering, plus community halls are cheap to rent. Just say it’s for a party, don’t mention it’s for a wedding. Perhaps someone in the family can make sandwiches as part of their wedding gift to you?

Tea sets brought in from friends and family (or bought from charity shops if you have enough time/money to buy them up as and when you see them. The more mismatched the better - it all adds to the charm.

Mostly though just tell your husband to be that unless he’s got solutions he can stop getting on your case.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 27/12/2018 17:24

And I don’t mean that your idea of a tea room wasn’t a lovely idea! But you do pay quite a lot for what is really just tea and cake!

keenkaren · 27/12/2018 17:24

Get a venue like a village hall and use the remaining £250 food budget on sausage rolls, pineapple and cheese on sticks and stuff like that

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2018 17:25

Op,if the business has closed down, then basically you become one of its unsecured creditors, if there is any money left and they are able to pay what they owe that is ,,,,,but . I'd assume it's as they have said, there is no money, but worse they have debts to be paid and you will just be another unsecured creditor, and they also likely have secured creditors,
Ike the bank. So little to no chance of getting any money back.

I think uou need to move on, it will cost you more in legal advice and action to chase this than the 250 you wish to recover, and it the likely hood of you ever getting it is pretty non existent.

Your partner shouldn't be angry with you, there was no way for you to know.

CurlsandCurves · 27/12/2018 17:25

Whys your DP getting angry and blaming you? Not like you could foresee the future and knew this would happen. Presumably you were BOTH planning this wedding and he was happy with the catering choice before this.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 27/12/2018 17:28

Ok just re read and the wedding is not til June. You can do this.

Sometimes the best things come out of really quite shit situations.

I can’t count the number of times that I’ve heard people say that simple, charming, relaxed wedding receptions where everyone had a hand in making it work feel more personal, more fun and more memorable.

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 17:30

Sweetheart, you've done nothing wrong

This could have happened to anyone

Your DP is probably scared about the loss of money so is blaming you.

He doesn't mean to be nasty

Take a breath and THINK

What's the next step

DistanceCall · 27/12/2018 17:35

Paying a deposit is a completely normal thing to do. You are not an idiot.

And to be honest, I would be rethinking the wedding altogether. Your partner is an utter twat.

mumsastudent · 27/12/2018 17:37

You can overcome this op & being cheated isn't your fault - I bet you wont be the only one! Your dp is upset & angry but he needs to recognize this is about crooks not you. SO - think alternatives like finding a village hall - pub or restaurant- church with extra room with tables & chairs, borrow tea urn, coffee maker,ask for help from friends & family & explain that you have been conned /cheated,. Start preparing food menu - how many people are we talking about approx. op? if you cant cook or are insecure - I would go to baker & order sandwiches (& pay by card!) or go to Iceland, or M&S & think how much food would you need. ie think quiche, (maybe some nonmeat,) frozen precooked chicken wings or drum sticks, than work out sandwiches, (you could get small nice rolls cut into 2 to make them dainty, fillings like: egg mayonnaise, grated cheese with pickles, or toms, sliced meat with pickle or chutney, small amounts of side salad & little toms, Iceland are brilliant with packs of small frozen cream cakes, go to supermarket & get large iced cake sometime before & get some decorations & ribbons to decorate (cake making isle) for your wedding cake if necessary, get the useless prat (or sorry) I meant your partner! To go to Aldi or where ever & get just enough fizzy plonk for speeches, etc. OR is it possible either you or friend or relative could hold reception in house or garden? ie garden party? I know of people who have done barn dance & had takeaway fish & chips? Maybe it wont be the same as you imagined but it might be better because it was your work - BUT most of all tell your friends what happened & ask for help - & make sure they realize you don't mean money (though that might help!) but support ideas & organisation - you might be surprised!

Elfinablender · 27/12/2018 17:42

Honestly I’d say that was £250 well spent to discover that your DP is a bullying ardehole who blames you when something totally outside your control goes wrong

^ This ^ Your future husband is a twat. He is mean to you, he calls you an idiot and you believe him. That's a lifetime of hurt waiting to happen. You can close your eyes while you hurtle past that red flag or you can consider that £250 your sliding doors moment and pick another path.

Original poster
SOSHelp · 27/12/2018 17:45

Thnk you ladies, your kind words and advice has really helped.

Trading Standards has advised me to send a letter to the owners in the first instance, but I'm not entirely sure where to send it as they are no longer renting the venue. I'll speak to CAB when they reopen but I just feel so down about the whole thing. We booked this venue as we were only having about 16 people and it was nice, intimate, and local. I feel so silly for handing over so much £££, alarm bells should have rung when they wanted 50% of the overall balance.

OP posts:
Dishevelled09 · 27/12/2018 17:49

Definitely post to any local Facebook groups, state what's happened and I suspect either the previous business owner will cough up after that. Check with home insurance company if you have legal cover. You're not an idiot, you couldn't have foreseen this happening.