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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm such an idiot, I want to cry

164 replies

SOSHelp · 27/12/2018 13:56

Not AIBU but need some serious advice and kind words right now.

We are getting married next June, and paid £250 deposit for the catering. I have now found out the venue is closing down.

After frantically emailing and calling, I was given contact details for the (former) owner to contact for my deposit. She said she is nothing to do with the business or accounts anymore, left last month, and is now living abroad. She then gave me a number for another owner. I spoke to him, and he said the first owner has taken all the money. I don't know who to believe.

I can not believe I have lost this money. I am trying to get through to the police but unsure if there's anything they can do? Does anyone know what I can do?

OP posts:
2isur2isubicurtis4me · 27/12/2018 15:15

Sorry that was in reply to another comment not the op.
Hi hope you get this sorted out soon x

mothertruck3r · 27/12/2018 15:18

Phone your bank and see what they suggest? Maybe there is some sort of chargeback for bank transfers?

PattiStanger · 27/12/2018 15:20

It's not idiotic to pay a deposit, why would you think that? Deposits are totally normal when booking things in the future. You have to work on the basis that the business will still be going.

It's very bad luck that's all

I also didn't know wedding insurance was a thing, google tells me that only 25% of people take it out, strange that the first few posters would assume that everyone has it

poorchurchmouse · 27/12/2018 15:21

Do you want to marry a man who blames you for a misfortune that could happen to anyone? I know it’s gutting, but a partner who was worth marrying would be working with you on what you (plural) could do to sort it out. Did you decide on the venue together?

Does he often put the blame for things on you, and did you have parents who were very critical?

slashlover · 27/12/2018 15:22

I'm an idiot because I trusted them and handed over a 50% deposit.

Deposits are perfectly normal when it comes to booking things.

My DP is really angry and blaming me for how much money we've lost, I don't know what to do about the wedding now

You did nothing wrong. Your DP is being an arse.

DinoDave · 27/12/2018 15:24

Maybe there is some sort of chargeback for bank transfers?

There’s not.

Fluffyears · 27/12/2018 15:26

This is why I took out insurance (my wedding was tiny as it was just us) and used credit cards so I was covered. I’m surprised other people aren’t aware as it’s similar to travel insurance. Why is your dp annoyed I assume he agreed to the venue and the deposit!

Ullupullu · 27/12/2018 15:26

OP you seem to be viewing this through the distorted lens of your DPs criticism. You're not an idiot! Are you sure you want to marry him if he makes you feel that way? This is not your fault.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 15:27

Your DP is being massively unfair for being angry at you! Presumably he's been totally happy to leave you to do all the wedding organisation? Is he psychic and able to predict which companies are going to go bust? I'd call him out on his unreasonable behaviour and tell him that the whole wedding may be in jeopardy if he continues to be so unfair.

Contact your bank and see if there's anything they can do to get the money back. Also speak to CAB and see if they can offer you any advice. Then without panicking, review your plans and see if you can convert to hiring a local hall and getting family/friends to help with catering. You could use the rest of the catering budget to buy in some of the food and get friends/family to help with the rest.

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 15:27

Your DP is being the idiot here! How the fuck is it your fault? Tell him to wind his neck in, cheeky bastard

BrendasUmbrella · 27/12/2018 15:28

Do you mean that you gave them a higher deposit than necessary and that's why your DP is angry? If so that's unfortunate. But if it was a 50% deposit to make the booking then what were you supposed to do?

Knittedfairies · 27/12/2018 15:30

You have no reason to feel ashamed OP; you handed over your money in good faith. I hope CAB can help you. Your DP cannot blame you for something you had no control over either.

Eilaianne · 27/12/2018 15:32

I think£250 is a bargain to get your "D"P to show his true colours...

Huskylover1 · 27/12/2018 15:33

Too late now, but please don't ever pay people using Bank Transfers. It offers you no protection, if things go wrong. Credit Cards, Debit Cards and Paypal all offer adequate protection and in this scenario you would have been refunded. Just bear this in mind for next time/new venue.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 15:36

Btw, you are not an idiot. These things sometimes happen and it's just bad luck.

Original poster
SOSHelp · 27/12/2018 15:36

I've spoken to my bank and there's nothing they can do

OP posts:
ChesterGreySideboard · 27/12/2018 15:38

Do you have any kind of legal cover on you home insurance? It might help if you need to go to the small claims court.

fairgroundsnack · 27/12/2018 15:43

Who did you transfer the money to? If it wasn’t a company then was it to the old owner? If it was direct to them then don’t let them fob you off - they are responsible for either refunding you or providing the service promised.

Ilovetea33 · 27/12/2018 15:55

The worrying thing here is that instead of commiserating with you and helping you find a solution, your future husband is angry with you and blaming you for a loss that nobody could have foreseen. Are you sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

maerska · 27/12/2018 15:57

Him being angry at you jumped out at me too. What else is angry with you for? Hope he apologises to you.

safariboot · 27/12/2018 16:04

If the (previous?) owner is committing fraud then when you say "I'm such an idiot" and feel ashamed that plays right into their hands! That's how scammers go free to scam and scam again.

If the owner just had their business go tits up, then you're still not an 'idiot' for not for seeing someone else's business failing.

In any case, if your dealings were with a sole trader then I'd launch a small claims proceeding against the original (?) owner. That puts the onus on them to prove they no longer owe the debt, or else repay you. (Unless they've gone bankrupt).

Also agree with PP, your partner's attitude would have me reconsidering the wedding.

derxa · 27/12/2018 16:08

Let it go OP

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 27/12/2018 16:17

One of the best weddings I went to was in a hall. Instead of presents everyone bought a dish (groom savoury, bride sweet - but you could do it otherwise way around) and a bottle. True friends will just be happy to share your day and not get a poem and have to put money in a wishing well.

CoraPirbright · 27/12/2018 16:19

Who did you transfer the money to? If it wasn’t a company then was it to the old owner? If it was direct to them then don’t let them fob you off - they are responsible for either refunding you or providing the service promised.

Agree with this ^ from Fairgroundsnack. Contact them and tell them that unless they reimburse you, you will be instructing a solicitor and calling the police both in the UK and in their new country and that you WILL NOT be going away. Hopefully enough sabre rattling will do the trick. This fraudster cannot be allowed to just skip merrily off.

You have been the victim of a fraudster. I am aghast that your partner is angry with you - it is totally not your fault and could have happened to anyone. Deposits are how these things work, it would have seemed totally normal.

Can I ask - is it really you he is angry at or the situation? My dh can quite often be angry about something but if I am in a more sensitive frame of mind, it can seem as though the anger is directed at me when in reality it isnt. I feel it would be quite useful to really identify this.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/12/2018 16:19

You're not an idiot, you've been unlucky. Why are you calling yourself an idiot? I really hope your fiancé hasn't called you an idiot?