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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed in my sons?

112 replies

Helendee · 26/12/2018 23:37

I have four adult children, three sons, one daughter. Eldest son and daughter both have two children each and two other sons are married and engaged with no children yet.
Sadly my four are not really close at all despite all living near to each other although my children who are parents meet up quite regularly and the other two boys are quite close.
The problem is that neither of my child free sons bother with their nieces and nephews, either time wise or with giving presents and yet they give presents to their wife/fiancée’s nieces and see them regularly.
I know my son and daughter are both quite hurt by this and I think they would like me to say something but I really don’t think it’s my place to do so. I am really sad they don’t bother but I love my kids and don’t want bad feelings with any of them.
Could I ask you wise people out there what you would do. Thank you.

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 26/12/2018 23:47

I think it might help if you call it out publically at the time on Christmas and birthdays. Make a big deal out of gift giving and ask them straight up why they haven’t got the kids a gift.

arranbubonicplague · 26/12/2018 23:53

they give presents to their wife/fiancée’s nieces and see them regularly.

Is this because the wife/fiancée organises the gifts/visits for their own relatives but think it's up to your DS's to organise the same for their own relatives?

I'm not sure why your son and daughter think it's up to you to sort this rather than for them to have the difficult conversation themselves. You can say something to your sons but don't be surprised if they're not willing to take on the emotional work of fulfilling the tasks.

HolesinTheSoles · 26/12/2018 23:55

I would just bring it up with them in a non accusatory way. You could ask genuinely when they last saw their nieces and nephews and if not recently ask why not.

azulmariposa · 26/12/2018 23:55

The problem is that neither of my child free sons bother with their nieces and nephews, either time wise or with giving presents and yet they give presents to their wife/fiancée’s nieces and see them regularly.

Men hardly ever bother buying presents, they are usually brought by their partners. This is probably what's happening here.
If your other children are bothered about it, they should be the ones to mention it.

Cherries101 · 26/12/2018 23:56

A few embarrassments may encourage them to give your side consideration.

Thewifipasswordis · 26/12/2018 23:57

If they're not close to their siblings why would they be close to their siblings kids? Sure it's nice but it'd be forced and pretty meaningless for them to suddenly start.

They will pick it up as and when they have their own kids, maybe.

WeShouldOpenABar · 26/12/2018 23:59

I don't think you appreciate how you need to acknowledge your friends and families kids until u have your own, give them a break and try and explain it

GunpowderGelatine · 27/12/2018 00:01

The fiancées probably give to their side and (rightly) expect the men to give to their side.

In your sons' defence it's not always easy to care so much about other people's children, even if they are your flesh and blood. With respect, children can be quite dull and hard work, especially to childless people. Everyone has their own lives, problems etc and I don't think it's worth being disappointed about.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/12/2018 00:04

Why must siblings need to spend time with each others children? Especially if they have none of their own.

I agree with other posters, it will be your son's partners buying for/visiting their own relatives.

MrsEricBana · 27/12/2018 00:09

Yes I think that some childless people (and many with kids too) just aren't interested in other people's children and that it's very likely that your sons' partners sort gifts for their relations. It's not up to you to sort this but I can't see any harm in you mentioning it once. FWIW in many many years of marriage my dh has not sent a single card or gift to his own family and I do it because I don't want them to be upset, but this isn't right.

ChocolateStash · 27/12/2018 00:14

I know my son and daughter are both quite hurt by this and I think they would like me to say something but I really don’t think it’s my place to do so.
You mean well but stay out of it. If your DC want it to change they need to speak with their siblings. They are adults so it is time for them to fight their own battles.

Original poster

Helendee · 27/12/2018 00:16

Thanks everyone. Yes I think I will stay out of it as it will probably be a case of ‘shooting the messenger’!

OP posts:

Grannyannex · 27/12/2018 00:16

They will improve when they have their own kids

Jsmith99 · 27/12/2018 00:18

Childfree men are not, as a general rule, remotely interested in other people’s children, even if said kids are their own nieces and nephews.

thisisjustdaft · 27/12/2018 00:23

What arran said.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/12/2018 00:32

Childfree men are not, as a general rule, remotely interested in other people’s children, even if said kids are their own nieces and nephews.

This^ I have 3 older sons. Generally they are not interested in giving presents especially when they were younger. It is slowly changing but they never buy anything even for my birthday, despite having a significant one last year. I don't buy for them either!

neveradullmoment99 · 27/12/2018 00:34

When I have asked them about this, they have said they don't want anything and don't believe in buying anything for xmas or birthdays, so I don't! Its commercial yada yada...

Hofuckingho · 27/12/2018 00:38

Very difficult for you but you need to take a massive step away from this. They are all adults, leave well alone.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 27/12/2018 01:04

They will get better when they get married.

Single men are not interested in children.

Leeds2 · 27/12/2018 01:08

I imagine the wife/fiancée buys for her side of the family, and expect their partners to buy for their side. Not unreasonable!
I would probably text them two weeks or so before the next child's birthday, and remind them to buy a present. See if that works.

Duck90 · 27/12/2018 01:30

*They will get better when they get married.

Single men are not interested in children.*

These men are not single though. Do you think that once married the wives will pick up the slack? Or does marriage make men buy gifts?

Reading some threads recently, married men don’t buy their wives gifts either.

agnurse · 27/12/2018 01:43

You can't dictate the behaviour of one adult to another. The relationships between your AC really aren't up to you to control.

I'd stay out of it.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 27/12/2018 02:10

The nieces and nephews in my family are adored and bought for by all members in the family equally men or women, single or married, with or without children

Itisnearlybedtimeyet · 27/12/2018 03:03

Probably their partners buy presents for the kids in their family and just sign from both of them

Northernparent68 · 27/12/2018 07:13

Op, you re blaming the child free men but maybe the parents did n’t involve the child free brothers in the children’s life’s, perhaps the parents thought the children get enough presents and told the brothers not too bother.

In any event do you know anyone who has a meaningful relationship with their aunts and uncles

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