Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in my sons?

112 replies

Helendee · 26/12/2018 23:37

I have four adult children, three sons, one daughter. Eldest son and daughter both have two children each and two other sons are married and engaged with no children yet.
Sadly my four are not really close at all despite all living near to each other although my children who are parents meet up quite regularly and the other two boys are quite close.
The problem is that neither of my child free sons bother with their nieces and nephews, either time wise or with giving presents and yet they give presents to their wife/fiancée’s nieces and see them regularly.
I know my son and daughter are both quite hurt by this and I think they would like me to say something but I really don’t think it’s my place to do so. I am really sad they don’t bother but I love my kids and don’t want bad feelings with any of them.
Could I ask you wise people out there what you would do. Thank you.

OP posts:
ReflectentMonatomism · 27/12/2018 10:43

If it was my kids I would be saying something. Asking why they are so selfish.

Meanwhile, on gransnet’s ludicrous “cut out of their lives” threats, people with no self-reflection ponder why their children don’t talk to them.

Shiklah · 27/12/2018 11:22

My DB ignores his nieces and nephews whilst his wife lavishes her family with gifts, they'd his fault entirely and I don't buy them anything or make any effort to see them. It is very sad.

Drum2018 · 27/12/2018 11:40

I send all the cards, buy any gifts for both sides of the family. Otherwise his side would likely get none. I'd say it's a case of your Ds's partners putting in all the work, organising gifts and visits for their own families. Your own Ds's just tag along and it probably doesn't occur to them to do the same for their/your side of the family. I would not say a word to them. Its not your issue. Do your other kids invite them over for their kids birthday parties?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 14:01

If my daughter was ignoring her neices/nephews, I'd be saying the same things to her as I would to my son's. If any of my DC were behaving badly, as a parent I would feel it my responsibility to say something. It's all very well saying it isn't a mother or wife's job to point these things out and that men do know that Christmas involves buying gifts and that's true, but I'd rather say something and help foster good relationships between my kids than think 'not my job's and see my kids grow further apart. Nothing wrecks a relationship like feeling your children aren't important to the people who are supposed to love you.
It's why we all politely tolerate our friends' children - we are demonstrating that we care about our friends!

Genuine question, but why are so many men shit at oiling the wheels of social interaction? My dad (at 11), wants to buy Christmas presents for people. It took my son's until they were 18 + to want to do this. They have all had the same upbringing.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 14:08

Dad = DD

Confusedbeetle · 27/12/2018 14:12

I am not remotely surprised. Why should they? They are not parents and have no idea. I would discourage the parents from being precious about their children. The younger ones will join in "the club" when they have their own kids. It's not hard to understand. If you raise this issue you will poke a hornets nest

KateAdiesEarrings · 27/12/2018 14:13

I don't think it's about the OP 'nurturing' her DS. On the contrary, it's about calling them out about it and making it clear that being male isn't a pass to be an inconsiderate arse. It's not for OP or their fiances to buy the presents.

JumpingJunipersBatman · 27/12/2018 14:15

There is this expectation that siblings have to like each other and do everything that entails just because they are related.

My older brother and I only see each other at weddings and funerals and then barely talk and I'm quite OK with that. I've met his daughter once. It would be odd if I got her presents.

My younger brother and I get on OK but aren't close. He doesn't have any kids. I might consider getting them a present if he did but then if I did that, I'd have to get my other neice something. So I won't get anything as it isn't worth the fuss and resentment I'd feel.

Neither of them have ever properly acknowledged my son eg no birthday cards etc.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 14:19

I think that is really sad jumping. If they'd made the effort with your son you could have a really close relationship now with your neice.

JumpingJunipersBatman · 27/12/2018 16:50

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds not really. I don't like my older brother so wouldn't want to spend time with him. The feeling is mutual. I've never been in niece's life so she won't miss me, in the same way that my son doesn't know who my brother is to miss him.

I'm sure it upsets my parents but I spent all my childhood with him. I'm not willing to put up with him now I'm an adult. I'm polite and ask after him and feign interest to keep them happy.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 17:06

Fair enough jumping. I guess if you actively dislike each other that's a bit different to having just grown apart a bit.

kiwiblue · 27/12/2018 17:13

You sound like my MIL who likes to get 'upset' about things like this and tell us what we should do. As other posters have said, it's up to them, stop worrying about it.

Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 17:30

Thanks kiwi blue but as I never interfere and actually seek advise from other people so as to hopefully not upset anyone I assume I’m nothing like your Mil or you wouldn’t be moaning about her.
Maybe I’m a terrible mother and grandmother for wanting my family to be happy, if so then I’m proud to be so.

OP posts:
ReflectentMonatomism · 27/12/2018 17:35

Maybe I’m a terrible mother and grandmother for wanting my family to be happy

It's like "cut out of their lives" bingo, isn't it?

Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 17:43

Sorry reflectant... I’m not sure what you mean. Bring a little dense lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 17:43

Being not bring

OP posts:
SockEatingMonster · 27/12/2018 17:48

You say they’re not close OP, but do you know if it’s a case of busy lives or is it that they don’t really like each other? Did they get on well as children?

KingsScorn · 27/12/2018 17:52

OP I would leave them be. If your children who are parents want to have a conversation with your sons about how their relationship has become so distant (and I would say that is the real issue here - I'm sure your GC are completely fine without these gifts) then I would encourage them to do that.

I think forcing/manipulating/guilting adult children to fulfill some kind of happy family tick list is a sure fire way to further damage relationships - including yours with them.

I didn't get any presents from aunties/uncles growing up. My dad was one of six (who went on to have 22 children between them) and my mum was an only child. I never gave it a second thought. I've become quite close to two of my uncles in my forties since my dad died (despite them living in different countries) - who I only saw every few years as a child - simply because we get on and we enjoy each others company.

Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 17:53

Hi SockEatingMonster
Yes they were very close as children, I raised them as a single parent for five years and we were a very close unit.
I think you’re right in that they all love busy and very separate lives.
I just find it sad as family is everything to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 17:53

Live

OP posts:
ReflectentMonatomism · 27/12/2018 18:06

"Cut out of their lives" is a long-running sequence of threads in which people cut off by their children claim to have no idea how it happened, while making it obvious why it happened. "I'm such a terrible mother! I only want them to be happy! But they have to accept me how I am!" is a favourite cry.

Siblings don't have to get on. It's nice if they do. Uncles, nieces, cousins are close friends in some families, far distant in others. I have an uncle I have not seen in twenty years, whose sons, now in their forties, I have only met on one or two occasions.

Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 18:11

Ah so you’re accusing me of being an interfering old bag whilst knowing nothing about me? 😀.
I asked on here for opinions on whether to mention anything to my boys or not in order to gauge the general consensus as to whether I should or not.
The opinions have been mixed as expected so I guess there is no clear cut correct way to proceed.
I will not say anything as I am not an interfering person by any means and have kept my mouth shut on many occasions in order to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Knitwit101 · 27/12/2018 18:16

My brother and his wife spend lots of time with her sisters child but hardly any time with mine. Every time I see photos on Facebook of Mary with Uncle Fred it annoys me. But what can you do?
It would be easy to blame my sil for choosing to see her family over her in-laws but that lets my brother off the hook. I'm disappointed for me, for him, for our kids. He's their only Uncle.
But it is what it is, people are all different, even if they are from the same families.

JenW36 · 27/12/2018 18:18

I agree with many on here, it will be the fiancés sorting the presents, not your sons. I have this arrangement with my husband. I will organise my side, I have two sisters and we all have kids. My husband sorts his side of the family out. He is an only child but has lots of cousins. Hence none of them got a card this year!!
They need to speak to each other...they won't be doing it deliberately, won't have crossed their minds x

NataliaOsipova · 27/12/2018 18:20

I think you should leave it....or at the very least, proceed with caution. My DH isn’t close to his siblings. No great falling out, but he sees them once every few years if the PILs insist on a family party. He wouldn’t buy a present for any of his nieces and nephews because he doesn’t know them and doesn’t see them. If my MIL effectively chastised him about this? I think she’d hear some home truths she would prefer not to.....