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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in my sons?

112 replies

Helendee · 26/12/2018 23:37

I have four adult children, three sons, one daughter. Eldest son and daughter both have two children each and two other sons are married and engaged with no children yet.
Sadly my four are not really close at all despite all living near to each other although my children who are parents meet up quite regularly and the other two boys are quite close.
The problem is that neither of my child free sons bother with their nieces and nephews, either time wise or with giving presents and yet they give presents to their wife/fiancée’s nieces and see them regularly.
I know my son and daughter are both quite hurt by this and I think they would like me to say something but I really don’t think it’s my place to do so. I am really sad they don’t bother but I love my kids and don’t want bad feelings with any of them.
Could I ask you wise people out there what you would do. Thank you.

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 27/12/2018 07:20

I am reading this thread, and also thinking of all the others where parents have filled themselves with angst over their child "having too much"..

katykins85 · 27/12/2018 07:21

I don't think there is an obligation to buy gifts for your nieces and nephews. My siblings and I have 9 children between us and we never biy gifts for each others, only our own. It doesn't mean we don't love them, but we recognise that the kids get so much from their parents and grandparents that it's unnecessary and eveb token gifts for that many really adds up. I'd let it go, its hardly the end of the world.

Escolar · 27/12/2018 07:25

YANBU to feel a bit disappointed that your adult children aren’t closer to each other - I think that as a parent it’s natural to hope that they will be. You can’t force it to happen though. I wouldn’t say anything if I were you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 07:35

I disagree with advice to stay out of it. You are their mum and I don't think that parenting ever really stops. Even adults sometimes need a bit of guidance. They are (no doubt inadvertently) doing something which is hurting their siblings and that a gentle word might put right.
I would tell my kids that acknowledging and showing interest in their nephews/neices is part of being a grown up - the onus is on them to build a relationship and they should do this. It begins as a social nicety which may result in them gaining a genuinely good relationship with those kids. Family is important and worth making the effort for.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 07:37

Just to add that my DC (some of whom are grown up now) adore my sister and brother, who have always made time for them. I adore my nephew and hope to always be a part of his life.

Wormthatturned · 27/12/2018 08:19

They are adults. You can’t make them be close just because you would like it to be so. Trying to engineer the situation could easily backfire and end in someone backing away from the family.
Don’t feel responsible and back out

WinnieFosterTether · 27/12/2018 08:28

I agree with the PP who said you're still a parent. You should be able to have a conversation with them about this. Even just a 'What did you get dn for Christmas/birthday?' And when they say nothing you can ask why. Either they're deliberately snubbing them or they're thoughtless. If it's the latter, then the question may be enough to cause them to reconsider.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 27/12/2018 08:31

Do the ones with children invite the brothers over? Do they get together for birthdays/Christmas? Do they buy them birthday/ Christmas presents? Maybe they don't want/ can't have children and see there will be an unequal dynamic.

If I were to do anything then I would concentrate on having more family activities together- so always have a get together at your house between Christmas and New Year - maybe with a Secret Santa so everyone gets a present. Having a birthday tea for grandchildren to which all invited. I would concentrate on the social aspects rather than presents per se as that might follow. Alternatively maybe they are just very different people and get on better with lower contact.

Isthisit22 · 27/12/2018 08:34

Wow, can't believe how society continues to enable men to be so selfish.
'single men' apparently can't buy presents for they relatives, but don't worry as when they get married their wives will do it!
Bet a woman who wasn't buying her nieces and nephews would get totally different answers.
Also, people on here frequently complain about not getting presents from husbands etc... Yet are perpetuating this attitude with their own sons

ReflectentMonatomism · 27/12/2018 08:35

You could ask genuinely when they last saw their nieces and nephews and if not recently ask why not.

And if they say “that not your business” or “because we barely get on” or “because their mother is a raging bitch to my wife”, what is the next move?

Beechview · 27/12/2018 08:39

When the birthdays are coming up, how about a ‘oh it’s niece’s/nephew’s birthday this Thursday. Have you gift yet?’
That’s just a normal conversation in my family and serves to remind if anyone has forgotten.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 08:46

I'm surprised at the comments that 'single men don't buy presents' seriously?? I know lots who do. My single, child free brother has always bought gifts for his DNs birthdays and Christmas. More often than not he can choose things they love without much guidance and he looks forward to giving their gifts and seeing their reactions.

Another brother (coupled up, no dc) is very hit and miss ie some Christmases nothing, others he might put money in a card, a few times he's given cash gifts to one 'set' of DNs but not to another Hmm. He sometimes remembers the birthdays of 3 out of his 9 DNs, doesn't bother with the rest (including his godchild). It's nothing to do with being single imo if they wanted to do it they would. Ops sons are choosing not to and to be fair they're not obliged to.

I'd stay out of it Op. They're all adults, they can choose how to spend their own money and how much or little involvement they want with each others families. If the two with dc feel like there's something to be addressed then they can do that without involving you.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 27/12/2018 08:49

DEpressing how your sons got to be adults without realising that it’s polite to at least send a card for birthdays, especially for a child. Agree with another poster who said parenting never stops - a quiet word to point out what’s expected and that it’s not exclusively a female job...

Houseonahill · 27/12/2018 08:51

I don't get why people say nothing and then are surprised when the result.is the same over and over? My brother is shit at things like that (also a single guy) so at the start of December I ask him what he's buying my DD and if he needs any ideas/wants me to pick it. Not hard and everyone is happy.

Branleuse · 27/12/2018 08:51

your sons are not buying for their fiancées familys children. Give over. Its their fiancées that are clearly doing the gifting.
It is up to your sons if they want to start gift buying for their family.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/12/2018 08:54

I think this is one of those rare occasions when it would be helpful to intervene. It just isn’t on their radar and it won’t be until someone says something. By the time the offended DC feel sufficiently aggrieved to mention it, the damage will be done. You could have a tactful word and nip this in the bud.

If the messenger gets shot, so be it. Grin

pretentiousrubberduck · 27/12/2018 08:56

I'm completely baffled at all this 'single men not bothered by children' business. My children have 4 uncles, all of whom love them and regularly have them for sleepovers/days out and would never dream of not buying them xmas presents. All the men I know do make the effort, I feel sad for those of you who have male relations that can't be arsed.

RichPetunia · 27/12/2018 09:01

Hi, personally I'd stay out of it. Your children are adults and if they have a problem, it should be up to them to sort it.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/12/2018 09:02

Their partners are doing the buying. Remind your other kids of that. And children get so much these days - tell your others to be grateful there isn’t more plastic tat in the house.

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 09:07

My DP doesn’t put any thought into gifts for the DN on his side and refuses to let me buy for them, but is very thoughtful for the DN on my side.

It’s because his siblings’ partners tend to be on the ungrateful side and even if you send them expensive great quality stuff they still find something to moan about. So he sends them money instead, often double what we spend on my dn, but it has to be to be ‘appreciated’ by the partners.

Mil, of course, doesn’t like this imbalance but she talked to my dh about her concerns and also point blank asked him or me why her grandkids aren’t getting as many gifts as my side. So DH explained. If it bugs you and you have a good relationship with them, then you really do need to talk to your sons DP and see what the issue is.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 09:09

Oh of course it's 'on their radar' do people seriously think these grown men haven't noticed that gifts tend to be a thing at Christmas Confused?

I can't believe some posters think the Op needs to 'parent' them on this, it's not up to their mother or their gfs or indeed any of the women in their lives to explain to them how Christmas works, they already know!

This thread is a bit of an eye opener as to how low some women's expectations are of men and how willing they are to take on (or expect other women to take on) the responsibility for nurturing relationships.

Branleuse · 27/12/2018 09:10

im not saying its ok for men to not buy presents, but that is likely the case, that theyre not.
I dont think theres any right or wrong about it, and my kids dont get gifts from my brother or my cousins, or most of my aunties or uncles and nor do I and never did.

I get presents for my own kids and my parents or whoever I feel like or im seeing xmas day.
I'll be fucked if im starting to buy presents for my partners family when he doesnt even write them cards

SockEatingMonster · 27/12/2018 09:15

Sadly my four are not really close at all despite all living near to each other

I may be projecting here, but is there any rivalry or bad blood between your younger and older children?

DH plans/buys gifts for my DB’s child, but has no interest whatsoever in his
DSis’s children and they would not get anything if I did not buy them. He wouldn’t even watch the video DSis sent me of them opening them.

Sounds awful (and it is!) but it’s all down to historic issues between him, his parents and his sister.

Ethel36 · 27/12/2018 09:38

I wouldn't get involved. When your sons have children, they will suddenly feel the same thing..why aren't they buying presents for my children?! My brother and sister don't buy for my children. We are not particularly close. My children get enough from me and their grandparents.

Drogosnextwife · 27/12/2018 09:41

If it was my kids I would be saying something. Asking why they are so selfish.