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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in my sons?

112 replies

Helendee · 26/12/2018 23:37

I have four adult children, three sons, one daughter. Eldest son and daughter both have two children each and two other sons are married and engaged with no children yet.
Sadly my four are not really close at all despite all living near to each other although my children who are parents meet up quite regularly and the other two boys are quite close.
The problem is that neither of my child free sons bother with their nieces and nephews, either time wise or with giving presents and yet they give presents to their wife/fiancée’s nieces and see them regularly.
I know my son and daughter are both quite hurt by this and I think they would like me to say something but I really don’t think it’s my place to do so. I am really sad they don’t bother but I love my kids and don’t want bad feelings with any of them.
Could I ask you wise people out there what you would do. Thank you.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 18:32

It's really unfair to suggest the Op belongs on the 'Cut out of their lives' threads Shock! Bloody hell she said right in her first post that she doesn't think it's her place to say anything and asked for opinions. She's allowed to feel sad about it and wish their relationship was closer but she's not actually interfering by posting for views on an anonymous forum. I think a few posters are projecting here.

goldengummybear · 27/12/2018 18:37

Your older children are grabby to think that a sibling that they rarely see would buy their children gifts. They should see lack of gift as a wake up call to spend time with the sibling.

I agree with posters that females tend to be more aware of gifting etiquette. When my dd was 10, her Dad got a dog and at Xmas she asked me for help to get the dog a gift. My sons would never think of that in a million years. My kids are at secondary and my dd exchanges gifts with her friends for Xmas and birthdays. Neither of my sons do more than Happy Birthday message on social media/text. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is a case of your sons not knowing their nieces and nephews. Unless you hang out with kids you wouldn't know to what to buy anyway.

My advice to you would be to stay out of it. It has the potential of you being shot as the messenger.

SockEatingMonster · 27/12/2018 18:50

I think maybe create a few fun opportunities for them to reconnect? I wouldn’t force the present issue. Good luck.

slashlover · 27/12/2018 19:21

Do your DC with kids buy presents for the DC without?

I don't have kids (and never will, through choice) so spending £100s every year for nieces and nephews (Christmas/birthday/Easter/etc.)while receiving absolutely nothing in return gets to be a bit annoying. Perhaps they could give a present to Uncle X?

kiwiblue · 27/12/2018 19:48

It really doesn't sound to me like they aren't close from your op. Sadly my four are not really close at all despite all living near to each other although my children who are parents meet up quite regularly and the other two boys are quite close

I think it's great you're considering what to do rather than just interfering. Your point I think it's sad as family are everything to me does again remind me of my MIL though and is a bit judgemental and guilt tripping. It sounds like they have a good relationship, they are just busy with their own lives.

Original poster
Helendee · 27/12/2018 20:15

Hi kiwiblue

I think it’s entirely natural to want your children to get along well together and you may be surprised to feel the same way should you experience the same one day.
I truly think that a close and happy family is an amazing gift , priceless in fact. I feel sorry for you MIL if she is also sad but I don’t think she should guilt-trip anyone.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 27/12/2018 20:20

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time from some people on here.

Frankly I think it is a poor show that her younger two DS didn't think to give gifts to their DNs. Even if they are not interested in children (and I can sympathise with that as I wasn't really until I had my own) it is surely not expecting to much to think they would buy them a present.

I do think it would be fitting for OP to say something to her DS. IMO it would only be out of order if she made the comment to her DS's OHs, implying that it was their job to organise her DS's gift giving.

Phineyj · 27/12/2018 22:22

The problem is about the relationship and not the presents (who really wants a 'duty present'?), so the most useful thing you could do is host family gatherings from time to time so your younger sons can build a relationship with their nephews and nieces (I'm sure you do anyway).

Do you have nieces/nephews yourself and did your own siblings get your DC gifts? Are you expecting something from your younger sons that they didn't see growing up?

Also, someone may have already said this upthread but it's possible one or even both of the younger couples have fertility issues or ongoing disagreements about whether to have DC. DH and I were in this situation for the best part of a decade and we didn't share this with MIL because family is everything to her too and we preferred to be thought selfish than be pitied or for her to be worried. It's awkward to be around siblings with DC when you're in that position and your feelings towards them can be conflicted.

Or they may just be benefitting from low social expectations regarding men and gift-giving. Despite what people say on this thread I can think of precisely one man in my family and friends who regularly buys DC gifts in an organised way and he's gay.

So if the relationship's not really there I think you should work on that and not say anything about gifts.

Waddsup12 · 27/12/2018 22:30

If you don't socialise with your siblings & aren't that close, it's quite hard to be involved with their kids.

Generally people with kids are really busy & socialise with other families. It's just easier for them.

Handprints2018 · 28/12/2018 07:42

Yanbu to feel sad by this. Your dd and other ds should just do the same if they get dn in the future.

Original poster
Helendee · 28/12/2018 12:05

Thank you everyone for all your opinions and support.
I have decided to keep out of it and hopefully they will sort it out for themselves. Let the universe deal with it, I’m too tired lol.

OP posts:
lily2403 · 28/12/2018 18:08

I think it’s up to your children. I would personally ask my brothers why. I must admit though the 2 fiancés are not being cool. I always ask mine if he has remembered his family or if he wants me to pick something up. It’s a bit strange that both sets are doing this

Pashal2 · 28/12/2018 18:18

You are the matriarch of the family. You can ask anything you wish. And do not be afraid to, remember they are hurting the feelings of not just your two children but YOUR grandchildren. As a mother and grandmother there should not even be a question about confronting the issue

multiplemum3 · 28/12/2018 18:20

Do people still believe in matriachs of the family? That's hilarious.

Yb23487643 · 28/12/2018 18:26

I’d call them out on the rudeness, of their own mum can’t who can?
I wouldn’t go on about it, get into arguments or make a massive fuss, but a quick word wouldn’t go amiss!

caringcarer · 28/12/2018 18:40

I have 3 dc. DD has 2 ds. Both my ds's single. My youngest son is close to his older sis and bro. He chooses thoughtful gifts for sis, bil and dn or if unsure asks his sis what they would like. Older son close to younger brother but not sis. He hands me cash and asks me to get his sis, bil and nephews presents and his best friends 2 dc too. He never complains with what I get and i insist he wraps it himself. Being male is no excuse for being mean. My oldest son spent a long time making train track into elaborate track layout and playing with older nephews trains with him. He was also telling him about his football team. He barely looked at baby though. My youngest son will briefly hold baby and plays with older nephew. He drives down to visit his sis about every 10 weeks. 2 sons often go to cinema together but have own friends.

RomanyRoots · 28/12/2018 18:42

I'd keep out of it and tell the grown ups to sort it out.
It's not up to you and could easily backfire.

dArtagnansCrumpet · 28/12/2018 18:48

My husbands brothers never even see my kids! One brother has never even met my daughter, she's 4 ffs. They aren't interested in them at all. My eldest used to get a present from one brother when he had a girlfriend now they are no more, they don't get acknowledged (this is the brother who has never met my youngest dd).

pyramidbutterflyfish · 28/12/2018 18:50

“You are the matriarch of the family. You can ask anything you wish.“ love it GrinGrinGrin

Touchmybum · 28/12/2018 18:51

I don't think the issue is presents at all, it's the lack of family closeness really? That would bother me too. At 21, 19 and 15, my three are as thick as thieves, and I hope they always will do. If one was hurting another by something they were or weren't doing, I'd tell them. That's what mums do.

I'd also try to arrange more family meet-ups if possible - are the uncles invited to the kids' birthday parties, for instance?

Were your kids close before they left home and 'partnered up'? If so, I am sure it can be rebuilt between them but if not, it's maybe a bit late now.

Touchmybum · 28/12/2018 18:53

Matriarchs are wonderful! The glue that keeps families together. My mum was one, she was amazing. When she'd gone, it all fell to shit. Sadly.

Thehappygardener · 28/12/2018 19:01

Lots of stereotypes here, quite interesting!

AnotherEmma · 28/12/2018 19:10

Yes the stereotypes are awful.

"Single/child free men aren't interested in children"?! Nonsense. My brothers are doting uncles to my son and our other brother's son. Even someone who is not particularly interested in children is perfectly capable of understanding the social "rules" that say it's polite to acknowledge nieces and nephews at Christmas and for their birthdays.

speakout · 28/12/2018 19:23

I can'[t remember when my sister last sent me a christmas card, or a birthday card.

Doesn't stop us both having happy lives- just not together.

FlowersAndHerts · 28/12/2018 19:45

Well to me, the stereotypical male attitude is the way to go. I personally don't see the point of all this present giving. Why exhaust yourself before Xmas, when you're busy anyway. Grin

I don't think DH ever gives cards/presents to his very large family, and that's fine by (and nothing to do with) me. I don't have much of a family, but do the odd present if I'm visiting. I didn't bother with cards either this year.

It's not anything to do with how we all get on though. We certainly go out of our way to help the family in other ways.