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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 26/12/2018 21:04

I can tell you are really cut up about the scarf tht you had helpfully told him you liked. On a more serious note as it isn’t joint money keep your nose out of it. Your behaviour is incredibly over the top and controlling.

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2018 21:11

My DH spends a lot of time and effort choosing gifts for his DM. But every year she digs into the bottom of her wardrobe and wraps up anything she finds which she no longer uses, and gives to us as joint present. Must add she is pretty well off. This year’s gift was a purple lampshade - no lamp stand, just a shade. My DH s sister who lives at the other end of the country gets wads of cash sent in an envelope. I must admit I struggle to see the fairness in this, even though I try to follow the ethos of being grateful for what you get as it’s the thought that counts. I inwardly seethe, but I know my DH will still put thought and money into his dms present next Xmas, and I know we will get something from under her bed in return. He isn’t a walkover but loves his dm to bits.

missedith01 · 26/12/2018 21:19

YABU. If you had joint finances and the expenditure was causing financial problems for you both, then I would understand you being upset, although not the way you've dealt with it. If neither of those things are true it's nothing to do with you what your BF buys for his brother.

SilverySurfer · 26/12/2018 21:20

To be frank you sound unhinged.

Unless your BF is using your money on the gifts for his brother, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

You're right, Christmas for your BF has been ruined - by you!

cakedup · 26/12/2018 21:21

My sister always gets me a xmas present even though I never get her one. In the past it has been because of finances. This year I actually had the money, but really couldn't think of anything to get her (she has money, buys whatever she wants and is difficult to buy for). I've told her before let's just stick to kids but she insists that she enjoys buying presents for me and that she gets lots of presents from her DH whereas I'm single and don't get any presents. It gives her pleasure. We're sisters. For life! I'm thoughtful in other ways. Her DH (who earns the money) would never dream of telling her she couldn't buy presents for me!

Ozil10 · 26/12/2018 21:23

I'm guessing you're just jealous of the relationship he has with his brother, and it annoys you he puts his brother (in your eyes) ahead of you and you want to be the only person he would treat like that.

You sound narcissistic, jealous and about five heads old. He'll walk away if you're not careful, you must learn you can't control his actions and he isn't being taken advantage of - he isn't an extension of yourself and obviously isn't as materialistic as you are.

EveryoneButSam · 26/12/2018 21:26

This completely ruined your Christmas?

Fucking hell.

itswinetime · 26/12/2018 21:30

It's separate issues is your boyfriend being taken advantage of yes probably.

Is it up to you how he spends his money? Nope!

Yes it's frustrating to think some one you care about is being taken advantage of. But he can see what is happening to. You pointing it out and making ultimatums isn't helping.

You don't have joint finances it's not your money so it's up to your boyfriend. If he was asked right now who spoiled Christmas I don't think his answer would be his brother!

MrsHarveySpecterV · 26/12/2018 21:34

YABU. Only if/when you reach the stage of having joint finances do you get to dictate what your BF spends his money on. I am a SAHM so am totally dependent on my DH's income at the moment. One of my younger DBs is in a tight spot financially and my DH asked if I minded if we give him some money in addition to his family's Christmas presents this year as we have had a good year and he would like to help him out. That generosity of spirit is partly what made me fall in love with my DH. You are mean spirited and as PPs have said his brother has been around a lot longer than you have.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 26/12/2018 21:35

Sorry not dictate but have a say. I worded that wrong!

Cherrybakewrong · 26/12/2018 21:42

You sound jealous of his brother, very unhealthy.

TeddybearBaby · 26/12/2018 21:47

I think I can see where you’re coming from but you’re really going the wrong way about it....... you’re coming across as the angry, controlling one atm. When in reality you feel like your partner is being made a fool of and under appreciated and you can’t bear it.

I’d say 1. It’s not your battle to fight. Let it go. You’ll feel much happier for it. You can’t control other people.

  1. They grew up together (I’m assuming) they will have a complex relationship that you don’t get so again let it go.
  1. I agree with you that it’s about the thoughtfulness. My sister got me a themed present - lots of little bits and pieces around a film. She enclosed a note that said how I’m the best little sister she could hope for and will I come out with her for a tea in the new year. I cried cos of the words and how the theme all tied in together and the laminated note that she’d made herself and the kind words. Didn’t cost much but it was thoughtful.

Give yourself a break and let it all go x

ilovepixie · 26/12/2018 21:57

As long as your BF can pay his share of the bills and it's not joint money What he spends his money on is none of your business.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2018 22:03

"but he spends so much on him for nothing in return"

He values the enjoyment of choosing and giving the presents, to his Brother. That is obviously enough for him.

OP, if you don't stop, this issue will end your relationship.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/12/2018 22:09

YABU and are coming accross as very materialistic.

As the saying goes you appear to know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Iy isn't your DB and not your money. It has nothing yo do with you.

minionsrule · 26/12/2018 22:33

See you in 6 months op with a similar gripe Grin

poppiesallykatie · 26/12/2018 22:38

You just can't micromanage your partner's personal relationships like this. He feels that he wants to give to his brother, he has his own reasons, he loves him. It is not about what is given back, real gifts are just given without expectation. Really, butt out of it.

Coronapop · 26/12/2018 22:44

This telling you that your BF's family will always come before you. Your BF does not care what you think about him spending far more than is reasonable on his DB. Think carefully about your future with your BF. Will he prioritise you (and DCs) over his family? It looks unlikely.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 26/12/2018 23:10

I'm amazed you can remember what was bought a year ago by someone else for someone else.

AliasGrape · 26/12/2018 23:11

I think that’s a crazy amount to spend on another adult, but if someone chooses to then it’s absolutely up to them.

My fiancé’s family do presents differently to me, they are very generous to us but feel uncomfortable/don’t like to receive much in return as in their mind we are the ‘kids’ and they are better off than us. I used to go on at fiancé that he should make more effort with their gifts, but I quickly realised it’s their dynamic and their business and not my place to interfere.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 23:12

He is stopping at his dad's for tonight so I best apologise to him in the morning but TBH i could see how i was unreasonable last time reading the threads back and the replies I could see by the end I was being completely unreasonable but i don't see it this time. And I didn't throw his present away, it was both our present from his brother but yeah, a bit disrescpectful for throwing it away but I was mad. All that spent only to get cheap chocs in return? REALLY?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 26/12/2018 23:22

it was both our present from his brother
All that spent only to get cheap chocs in return? REALLY?

From what I can gather you spent nothing on his brother, yet you are incensed at him buying you a "cheap box of chocolates"

HauntedPencil · 26/12/2018 23:26

You seem to dislike his brother out of all proportion to what he's done.

And ending phone calls throwing presents in the bin, it's all a bit dramz and bonkers isn't it?

FoxInABox · 26/12/2018 23:28

I can sort of see where you are coming from. For me it’s not that the costs should match but that there is thought involved. I think it’s something you are just going to have to accept- going off your previous post your BFs brother sounds quite flighty anyway, so at this point in his life thinking of thoughtful wanted presents is probably not in his remit. That may change or it may not, but you are only hurting your own relationship with your BF by getting so angry/upset. It’s his choice ultimately.
I am annoyed each year as FIL fails to send a card or call and wish our DC or DH happy birthday or Merry Christmas. They only receive presents or cards if FIL has a thoughtful GF at the time who buys them herself. This year he doesn’t. His birthday is during Christmas week- he told us he wanted an expensive item for his birthday and Christmas presents. I suggested a voucher for somewhere he can get the item as it’s something he would need to try on to get the perfect fit. DH has given him cash in the end as he said no point in buying a voucher as FIL will sell it for a fraction of the value. FIL is not skint by any means but he is awful with money, and is an alcoholic. He spoils SILs children whilst having no time or thought for ours- again no mention of them on the phone when DH called him on Christmas morning, no card or merry Christmas or even to ask if we had a nice day so far. It does annoy me greatly- more so as DH has been quite vocal about stopping buying for some of my family members who are now adults but don’t reciprocate in the gift giving- however, it’s his DH. It does come from joint money, but trust me I know after many years together that FIL has a hold over DH and although dH can see his fathers faults and is annoyed at the lack of thought for our DC he chooses to overlook them. It’s his choice to make, not mine. It is something you have to come to terms with or leave him, as it’s unlikely to change.

SezziBaybee · 26/12/2018 23:35

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