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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
isitisitwicked · 26/12/2018 19:32

I'd be pissed off too to be fair. Although if your boyfriend wants to do it there isn't a lot you can do.

DotForShort · 26/12/2018 19:33

Your boyfriend isn't being taken advantage of. He is choosing to buy gifts for his brother. Why shouldn't he, if that is his choice? Not everyone has a transactional view of gift-giving.

pineapple22 · 26/12/2018 19:34

I kind of get you. You love your BF and think he's being taken for a mug and are sick of seeing his brother walk all over him every year. I don't think you're being unreasonable for that.

But I do agree with what others have said in that if your BF is happy that this is the way the dynamic is, then so be it. Some people get great joy out of giving and maybe your BF is getting a lot back from knowing he gives thoughtful gifts, in which case he isn't losing out then is he? Giving the gifts and being kind to his brother sound like something which is important to him, even if his brother can't be bothered to do the same kindness in return. Enjoy having a kind BF that supports his family with no regard for what they do in return, don't push him away

Fontofnoknowledge · 26/12/2018 19:34

I don't know how many more ways to say this because you obviously have not listened to anyone.

ITS NOT YOUR MONEY
ITS NOT YOUR BROTHER
ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS
THE PRESENT YOUR PARTNERS BROTHER GAVE HIM WAS HIS NOT YOURS AND THEREFORE HAD NO RIGHT TO THROW IT AWAY.

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH MATERIAL GOODS AND SEEM TO EMBODY 'Knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing'

When I was in my mid 20s I was earning good money and my lovely , younger and slightly feckless brother was not very well off. I could afford to buy him lovely Xmas presents. I would occasionally get some bath salts and chocs in return. Not once did I expect or desire gifts of 'equal value'. I did it because I love him and I would have told any 'partner' who considered it their business to dictate what/when/how I spent my own money ( once joint obligations were discharged), to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

I certainly wouldn't be having a relationship with them any more.

Jellybabie3 · 26/12/2018 19:35

Blimey. Just read the first page of the previous thread Hmm

theworldistoosmall · 26/12/2018 19:35

Is it that your bf doesn’t spend more on you?
And why do you keep saying that we did this. You had no involvement other than act like a controlling brat again.
Hopefully whilst he is out he will be reassessing his relationship and if he wants to continue with someone so controlling and childish.

Bumbalaya · 26/12/2018 19:35

you're too controlling, back off maybe his bro is secretly bankrupt and horribly ashamed of the Roses?

minionsrule · 26/12/2018 19:36

OP based on this and similar previous posts you have 2 choices.
A) you accept your BF helps his brother out without getting much in return and you agree to make your peace with it.... or
B) you can't accept it and you leave him.
It isn't fair on him to keep kicking off over this, he is who he is and you have no right to try to change him into what you want when it directly does not affect you.

ElainaElephant · 26/12/2018 19:40

See if thinking of it another way helps, op.

Let's say you have a relation that doesn't have a lot of money, and you want to spoil them, using your own money, at Christmas.

They buy you a token gift in return.

How would you feel if your partner, who had nothing to do with the gifting, binned your gift because they didn't think it was expensive enough?

Does that help?

theworldistoosmall · 26/12/2018 19:42

And tbh o do t think the brother could have won today anyway.
He clearly is having financial issues that rightfully are none of your business.
He could have possibly gone and bought something expensive to placate you. But then you would still be on here whinging about your lack of gift and the fact that he asked to borrow money.

Muffmonday · 26/12/2018 19:43

I was hoping someone would share the previous post Blush

Your boyfriend's money is his to do with what he likes. If he wishes to be extravagant with his younger and it is not coming from joint funds, then that is his wish. It is not for you to dictate, much less than throw away the gift he received in return

slashlover · 26/12/2018 20:08

So far you have complained on here about 2 Christmases and a birthday. Your BF is giving his DB these presents with full knowledge that the DB cannot give gifts of the same monetary value back. The DB is NOT being selfish or taking advantage because your BF obviously gives and doesn't EXPECT something back.

Without my knowledge he bought his brother

Does he go through everything he buys every single person with you? Do you go every single thing with him?

FuzzyShadowChatter · 26/12/2018 20:08

Your BF bought those gifts fully aware of what his brother was likely to give him in return. He did it eyes wide open, that's not someone who has been taken advantage.

The first time I can see being annoyed if unaware, though it's still not do with you. I have stopped buying much or anything for a few people who I did get annoyed at as I realized I was only doing it out of duty and/or fear what not doing would bring.

I still have several friends I've bought things for that I'm not really expecting things in return but our continued friendship. Nothing nearly as extravagant - don't have the budget and as I'm too unwell to bake this year so it's Thorntons which I hope no one trashes - but it's because it's one of the ways I like to show people appreciation. I'd love if I could give more, honestly, as your boyfriend does.

Seriously, unclench.

Santaisonthesherry · 26/12/2018 20:11

Maybe his db doesn't buy expensive presents back for fear of you sharing them!!

RedPanda2 · 26/12/2018 20:17

You need to work on your issues with control. Please do some therapy so you can find out the root cause and work on it or you'll never be happy.

melj1213 · 26/12/2018 20:25

but if this happened to you, would you not feel pissed off at the inequality?

No.

I give gifts to people because I want to give something, not because I am expecting a gift in return.

I spent Christmas day at my aunt and uncle's house. They have 5 kids and I bought each of them a small gift that I knew they would enjoy - my uncle's favourite booze, my aunt's favourite skin products, xmas scratchcards for my cousin who turned 16 last month (and still enjoys the novelty of being old enough to buy scratchcards) etc. I probably spent about £75-80 on all their gifts. None of my cousins bought me anything and my aunt and uncle bought me a bottle of my favourite gin and the next book in a series I've been reading. Their gift will have cost no more than about £25 but when I received them I wasn't thinking about the fact I'd spent £50 more on buying 7 presents to only get one back, I was grateful they bought anything and happy that they had been thoughtful enough to buy something they knew I'd like.

SummerGems · 26/12/2018 20:31

Christmas completely ruined? Grow up.

This weekend I listened to a relative complaining about her sils who are obviously all bitches, and how they never buy presents for her one grandchild (and she later complained about her dil not producing more,) and how she buys presents for their multiple dgc every year.

She could just not buy anything and just accept things but bitching was preferable apparently.

She then went on to ruin the family occasion this was at by calling the host a bitch and storming out, and her apology ended with an accusation that she wasn’t actually to blame.

She sounds like you.

SoyDora · 26/12/2018 20:33

How is your BF spending all that money on his brother, his brothers fault? How is he taking advantage? I presume the brother didn’t ask for the gifts and it was entirely your BF’s free will to buy them? You said yourself the brother doesn’t have a good job and is skint, so he shouldn’t be forced into buying expensive gifts for his brother just because his brother wants to buy him expensive gifts.

AllSuits · 26/12/2018 20:39

Not your business, OP.

Emma1609 · 26/12/2018 20:42

Please Google - Martin Lewis' article / video on banning unneccessary Christmas presents and how it is actually selfish on the part of the giver - your bf should read it too.

WomanWithAltitude · 26/12/2018 20:49

If you don't share finances with him it's none of your business. You certainly had no right to throw the chocolates away. How is it relevant whether or not YOU like Roses if they were a gift for your BF anyway?

WomanWithAltitude · 26/12/2018 20:51

Also, I'm guessing the brother didn't ask for all that stuff, in which case the disparity in gifts isn't his fault. Your BF gave massively OTT gifts knowing full well his brother couldn't reciprocate.

I'd be embarassed if my siblings spent that much on me tbh.

emzw12 · 26/12/2018 20:55

Perhaps he doesn't have a lot of money. There's more to Christmas than buying stuff!

InspectorIkmen · 26/12/2018 20:56

This is at least the third version of this story that OP has posted.

WHY? Why OP? Why do you keep doing this?

Belindabauer · 26/12/2018 21:01

Do they see their parents?
I knew your bf would be the older brother.
Perhaps there is a backstory here. Perhaps your bf feels protective towards his brother, maybe as a consequence of their upbringing. You might not even be aware of what his brother went through as a child, often the oldest child can get away/deal with things better.
Obviously this might not be the case.

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