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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/12/2018 19:03

Buying someone a gift and not getting an equally expensive gift in return is not being taken advantage of. As far as lending the money goes, maybe your boyfriend is happy to lend it. It's not your business.

RangeRider · 26/12/2018 19:03

He's not being taken advantage of, he's choosing to buy his brother nice presents and he's being a generous person who's channelling more of the spirit of Christmas than you with your gift comparison and tight attitude. Be grateful that BF is generous - otherwise you might have ended up posting a 'DH hasn't bought me anything for Christmas / Birthday' in the fullness of time.

FestiveNut · 26/12/2018 19:03

Some people don't give to receive. Maybe your bf just gives presents because he wants to.

Helplessfeeling · 26/12/2018 19:04

I think sibling relationships are complex, and as they have had relationship long before you came on the scene then they know & understand each other well. If your BF is happy with the gift situation then it is not up to you to interfere. BTW, if your BF has given a box of Roses, why is it relevant that you only like the strawberry ones? It was a gift to him, not you. I think you are BVU and selfish.

AornisHades · 26/12/2018 19:04

How many times will you have this hissy fit?
Your boyfriend spends his money on his brother or lends his brother his money and you can't bear it. Your boyfriend isn't stupid and knows what to expect but chooses to carry on regardless. It is, therefore, none of your business. He doesn't need you stamping and shouting. He knows what he's doing.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 26/12/2018 19:05

Poor boyfriend, you sound a nightmare.

AhhhhThatsBass · 26/12/2018 19:06

YABU, however I would also feel very pissed off if I were in your shoes.

The thing is, the rational person inside my head tells me that we don't give to receive, ergo if your brother is happy to keep giving his brother good presents with full knowledge that he may get some sweets in return, that really is his prerogative.

AhhhhThatsBass · 26/12/2018 19:07

*your bf

LEDadjacent · 26/12/2018 19:08

Not joint money so none of your business. Some people don't give to receive.

NopeNi · 26/12/2018 19:09

Hope he dumps you. For both your sakes - this isn't healthy.

clowdyweewee · 26/12/2018 19:10

I would be monumentally pissed off if my DH spent £400 on a family member who only ever gave a crap box of chocolates and I am sure that many off the posters on this thread would feel annoyance/frustration if they were in the OP's position. They just won't admit it.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 19:12

I am sure that many off the posters on this thread would feel annoyance/frustration if they were in the OP's position. They just won't admit it.

Just because money and stuff means so much to you, please don’t presume that the rest of us are grabby and materialistic.

Thanks Smile

ExFury · 26/12/2018 19:12

Absolutely outrageous that you put the present your partner’s brother bought him in the bin.

You do realise that you are having a hissy fit because someone you didn’t buy anything for didn’t buy anything for you...

You’ve made your point to you partner. It’s his cash and up to him. The only person likely to ruin your relationship, or Christmas, is you with your inability to accept that he likes treating his brother. And he’s allowed to do that because he’s an adult and it’s his money.

starzig · 26/12/2018 19:13

Even if someone is disappointed you do not have a strop and throw their gift in the bin and have a go at your boyfriend. You smile graciously, say thank you, and enjoy your strawberry creams and share the rest.

EleanorLavish · 26/12/2018 19:13

OP, I think you just need a rethink.
As others have pointed out it really, really needs to be a bit more about giving and less about receiving.
My in laws earn 500,000 + a year, and every Christmas it is the same.
I spend ages deciding what to get the kids and parents. Usually end up spending quite a bit too, which isnt the point. I just love that they will open the gifts and be so happy.
But by golly, the shite we get back...
I mean, complete rubbish. DH is a mid 40s director, he really, really doesn't need and will never use beer ping pong. And that would be it for him. A cheap bag off Amazon for me-I usually get her a designer bag.
I asked if they would like wine this year and she suggested a case of high end booze! Confused
Its the complete lack of thought that bugs me so much.
But here is where you and I differ.
I love my in laws. I can happily put up with this because I love them, I like them, and I really don't want to fall out with them.
DH and I now make a joke about it, how shite will it be this year.
You need to get over this, OP, because if it doesn't bother your partner then you need to let it go.
You are going overboard and you ruined xmas because of it. Just laugh it off!

ExFury · 26/12/2018 19:14

I am sure that many off the posters on this thread would feel annoyance/frustration if they were in the OP's position

I’d be annoyed if i though my partner was being taken advantage of. But I wouldn’t start chucking his present in the bin, snatching his phone off him or continually hissy fitting about it. You make your point then you have to accept that the other person is an adult, if you don’t like how that adult conducts their relationships then you walk away.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/12/2018 19:16

I am sure that many off the posters on this thread would feel annoyance/frustration if they were in the OP's position. They just won't admit it

Nope. I’d be more than happy to admit it but really not.

User258 · 26/12/2018 19:16

I wouldnt be bothered in the slightest, it wouldnt even cross my mind to be annoyed. Also your boyfriwnd knew the situation before he bought for him.

His brother does not owe you anything because your boyfriend chooses to spend on him. What a high level of self importance you must have.

TacoLover · 26/12/2018 19:16

Oh, it's you... I should've knownHmm

Bobbybear10 · 26/12/2018 19:18

Your BF is happy with what he brought/buys his brother.
If he wasn’t happy with what he buys his brother then he wouldn’t buy what he buys, or he would ask for his parents/friends/your help to explain to his brother that he feels taken advantage of.

He obviously doesn’t feel taken advantage of or he would change his behaviour towards his brother.

Why is this difficult for you to understand?

Your BF is happy with the situation.

It is none of your business.

You can think what you like in your own head but you can’t make people think the same thing as you no matter how much you moan/cajole/bitch/argue your point!

You might be 100% correct and his brother is ripping the piss out of his generosity but your BF either needs to work that out for himself or he is happy with the situation.

Let me make it plainer,
Stop being controlling, it’s not your money or your decision how he spends his money! Leave him alone FFS!

If it was joint money he was spending or was pissing your money away on his feckless brother then by all means tell him it’s not on but you cannot control how he spends his money or control the dynamics of his relationships!

DistanceCall · 26/12/2018 19:24

Oh, you again. The controlling maniac.

How is it not any of my business though when my BF is getting taken advantage of - am I just supposed to let him be?

EXACTLY. You tell him what you think, and then he does what he thinks he should do. And that's it.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/12/2018 19:24

Come on. Your DP isn't blind. He can see the discrepancy. If it bothered him he wouldn't buy his DB so much. But if he has the money and he wants to spoil his brother, why be sour about it? It's not helping anything. You don't show love and concern for someone by fighting with them and making them feel they have to leave.

Call him and apologize, enjoy whatever you're doing for New Year, and then in a few weeks/months ask him in a non-emotive way why he spoils his brother so much and doesn't expect anything in return. Maybe he's just a very generous person though. There's a difference between being a walkover and liking to treat the people to love. It's not always a failing!

junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2018 19:27

Maybe you need to read the 5 love languages. Your BF obviously shows love by giving gifts so good for him. Who knows how his brother shows love but thats not your concern. Your bf had a total choice knowing last years gift but he is happy to give. Sounds like a good guy.
One thing l hate is buying someone a gift and then they have to buy me one. I wish they would just accept as l enjoyed buying it and let that be it.
I would hiss your bf looked after him a lot as a youngster and still feels he is a kid. Its fine to discuss this but a rage?? No!!

BadMoodBoard · 26/12/2018 19:30

He'll be your BF's brother forever. You'll be toast by next Christmas.