To be angry & upset that DH didn’t want me to go to hospital?

[ThisWayDown]

I’m in South Africa for a holiday with DH and DC. No family here but a friend. Today at the beach the waves were strong. I got knocked over by one and my knee gave way with a loud snap. I tore my anterior cruciatr ligament (ACL) 15 years ago when someone skied into me and had a reconstruction - it tore again some years later and I needed another. The way the knee sounded and hurt and not being able to stand on it made me really worry that I’d torn my ACL again.

DH helped me stand up and hobble over to our towels on the shore. He then said “we’re not going to A&E”. He was being slightly lighthearted but also totally serious. He said that’s because we went to A&E our last holiday due to a hand fracture I turned out to have.

We took the kids to get some dinner before heading back to our rented flat. As we went home on the bus, my knee became increasingly painful and in my view was swollen. DH said “oh shit” when I told him I was in pain and seemed angry. He said he was upset that I may have injured myself. He was caring but when I said I wanted to go to A&E he seemed to shut down, which he often does. He thought it was in my “best interests” not to but to get back to the apartment and rest and decide tomorrow, as it was “highly likely” that I wouldn’t need treatment and that the hospital wouldn’t be able to do anything. And the kids needed to get home. He thought I was being unreasonable going.

He’s not a doctor. I was angry that he’d - yet again - put what he thought should happen above what I did. He thought I should wait to the morning. When we got off the bus I told him to take the children home and I would call my friend to take me there. She didn’t answer. I said I’d take a cab. He said he wasn’t leaving me but he didn’t want to take the children to the hospital as that wasn’t in their best interests, so it was “an impossible situation”. He wanted me not to go. I said I was in considerable pain and I strongly suspected it was torn, and that I couldn’t believe he wanted to override that. We had a huge argument at the bus stop, in front of our kids They wanted to come to the hospital. Eventually we all went in a cab.

The triage nurse sent me to wait to see a doctor. My family stayed with me for a while but I sent them home so the kids could go to bed. My friend eventually called but had been drinking so couldn’t drive over to see me.

My DH said again while here innA&E that he hadn’t wanted to go to A&E as we went on the last holiday. I said I didn’t realise there was a quota, regardless of whether someone needed treatment or not I am so upset that he wanted me to delay hospital treatment to the next morning or, better yet, not seek any. I am so livid and heartbroken by his irrationality, callousness and rigidity (again) that I put my friend and not him as my emergency contact and told DH I’d let the kids know how I was getting on but not him.

I strongly suspect he is on the autistic - one of our children is - and so does our ASD child’s psychologist and the couples therapisf we used to see. He agrees that he has traits sometimes but when pressed will deny he has it and refuse to seek a diagnosis or accept that some of his thinking and actions are, er, different and frankly come across as selfish and uncaring. He says he was worried about me, just felt it was much better for me if I slept on it and decided on A&E in the morning. I said that wasn’t his decision to make.

We’ve had a lovely holiday so far but I am so down with him not respecting my opinion and thinking it’s aporopriate to think he knows best. I’ve been waiting for hours to see a doctor and, apart from my children who have been so sweet and caring, I feel utterly alone. AIBU to think he’s BU?

Can you explain how she has been dramatic, TheDark ? I honestly don’t see it.

Also if you’ve RTFT you’ll know the injury she’s talking about is indeed very serious. Her DH presumably knows this since she’s had it before. How badly injured does someone have to be, in your view, to justify being “dramatic” about it - I.E. upset and a bit tearful, which is all the OP has described?

Best not get too embroiled with posters just here for the goadyfuckwittery!

To be honest I agree with DarkPassage but that's clearly a perspective that's going to get you lambasted on this thread.

So I worked a few seasons in a ski resort and this injury cropped up a lot with our guests who we were looking after when they were on holiday in a foreign country, as well as having had the injury myself. People who think the OP is being dramatic will get lambasted a) for the total unnecessary comments (particularly when people have actually not been lambasting her husband) and b) because they don't have a clue. Even if they have had the injury themselves, it is NOT the same for everyone by any stretch of the imagination. I count myself extremely lucky about how "easy" mine was in comparison to both the guests I was helping in the ski resort and the locals who went through it. And it wasn't mentally or physically easy for me at all... and I feel "dramatic" for saying that because, unlike the OP, I've never had cancer so don't have that shitty stick to measure against that the OP does.

Hope you feel relieved for popping on here with your irrelevant and unnecessary "I think you're being dramatic" posts that don't even follow up with some actual advice or helpful insight... please don't ignore the fact that you feel the need to do that says you perhaps have some things to resolve in your own lives.

100% agree with mirialis.

People who are not doctors and have not seen the injury might not really know how dramatic the OP is being!

Had I had that painful repeat injury I would have been a great deal more 'dramatic' and would still have expected my dh to support me 100% with my choice of medical intervention for my injury!

OP keep healing and enjoy the seafood. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well this thread turned out to be a total shit show didn’t it?

OP I am incredibly glad you trusted your instincts and sought appropriate assessment and treatment in a timely manner. You were not being dramatic - anybody who has been through the pain of a similar injury would agree with your actions wholeheartedly! (Medical professional, not a drama llama or such like).

As for your DH - mine is of a similar breed of irritating unhelpfulness in the event of medical crisis which comes out as being a total dick. He doesn’t mean it, he just can’t process what’s happening, refuses to comprehend it’s as bad as it is, and it bloody well hurts to be the person on the receiving end when you’re in pain, when you’re scared and when you look to the person who should make you feel safe. I’m glad to see you’re now on the receiving end of the inevitable support and love that comes once the dust settles and “balance” has returned.

I do hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday, and that you recover well and get prompt treatment once you’re back home. All the best

Wow - I can't believe the replies on this thread! If the op felt in enough pain that she thought she should go to a&e then I find it very odd that her dh tried to stop her and even more strange that some of you agreed and said that you can imagine it being annoying because she has been in a&e before on holiday.

Anyone with an injury which is so bad they are in terrible pain should go to a&e

Sorry to hear you have had such a hard time firstly from your dh and secondly from some people on this thread op xxx

ThisWayDown how are you feeling? Ignore the pratts, we are with you and thinking of you. Sunshine and prawns. XXXXX

@helloMyanmar Cheers for that. You sound rude and ignorant.

I’m thinking not ice and painkiller to see if it settled down? Because having ‘played’ before, with tearing the ligament in my knee 2x over the last 17years and living with it being comparatively weak and unable for so long, I know the difference between when it gives way but hasn’t torn, and will get better with rest, and when it rips. Aside from the difference in the pain, the snapping/popping sound I mentioned is a big fucking clue.

So going to A&E that night rather then waiting until the next day meant I got the painkillers, brace and crutches I needed much sooner to reduce the pain and protect my knee.

As for what autism has got to do with it and professionals being worth their salt - our DC’s psychotherapist didn’t diagnose DH as such; instead HE volunteered in a family history assessment for our DC that he (DH) had autistic traits and that two of his family members have been diagnosed with it. The psychotherapist later gently agreed with DH that it seemed like he might have Aspergers and asked if he’d sought a diagnosis. The context in which the counsellor said it was v similar - we were discussing DH seeking a diagnosis and she thought that was worth checking out. DH then changed his mind about being assessed but has since said he might do so.

What it’s got to do with is exactly the pattern of behaviour @Orangesox has described above. Orangesox, this is totally it, you’ve completely summed it up there. It takes my DH a while to process the unwanted situation and work out what to do - he’d rather not think about it at first as it’s sometimes too overwhelming. But when he has adjusted to it, yes completely on board and very helpful and caring. He took me to see the GP today to get an MRI referral and has been fantastically supportive. He’s know taken the children out to shop for my birthday present while I rest at the hotel we’ve just checked into.

I too understand why your OH reacted as he did. I do get that you would feel down about it all and how this could have triggered olan over emotional response to it, ut I do think you are being unfair to your OH as your reaction was very dramatic.

In the end, your OH was right, you injured yourself but not to the point that it required immediate urgent attention. He was right that the best thing to do was to go home, settle the kids, and wait until this morning to see if it had become more painful and swollen. Taking tired kids in A&E to sit and wait for hours is not a nice thing to do. Of course they said they wanted to go because they had no idea how boring and long it would be.

Sadly it's now your OH should offer his support as understandably you are now gutted that your injury is going to limit your holiday but because of your anger towards him, he is now going to want nothing to do with you.

He should have been more patient and understanding but you also shouldnt have reacted so dramatically. You were both wrong and should both apologise.

What a strange thread ! Why is op dramatic I don't understand ? Only dramatic one sounds like her dh . Not letting her go to hospital without him but not wanting to leave the kids . Creating a situation and argument out of nothing as op was happy to go on her own .

Glad you got yourself sorted op and hope your better soon

Your husband sounds like he handled this badly, but I would definitely think twice about going on holiday again with someone who needed to go A&E a few times when abroad.

Dramatic because she made it sound as if her injury was much worse than it turned to be. Of course her Oh didn't stop her from going, he was trying to get some sense into her that he would have preferred to go with her but that it would have been better for all to do so in the morning rather than after a long tiring day and thst since she was able to walk and her knee didn't doublecin size, he felt that it wasn't unreasonable to wait until the morning to go.

That to me wasnt an irrationnel view and I find it quite insulting that OP implied that only someone with autistic traits could have come up with this reasoning.

They had different perspectives on what was the best way to manage the situation, nothing more than that. The worse part of this is that through no fault of hers, the holiday is now going to be compromised by the injury.

Because she’s a woman. If she’d posted the opposite about her husband she’d be called an almighty cunt and abusive to him

He is also adamant that it would have been in my best interests to wait until the morning.

I think it's this that you need to work on, because this is a concrete concept your husband is more likely to be able to accept. He seems to have focussed on his belief that it would have been awful for you to go to A&E on your own, but not on the basic medical facts of the situation, i.e. that you could potentially have done more damage to your leg by not going immediately. Maybe if he can assimilate that medical needs come first you stand a better chance of avoiding this kind of problem in future.

swingofthings, at the point when OP first posted she didn't know how serious the injury was going to be, but given her medical history it was entirely reasonable - and in no way dramatic - to want it dealt with without delay, particularly as she couldn't walk on that leg.

I don't understand your basis for saying she makes it sound as if the injury was "much worse than it turned out to be". She said she thought her ACL could be torn, and that is in fact what happened. There is no way that a repeatedly torn ACL is a trivial injury.

@swingofthings if you read my updates you’ll see that I didn’t want to take the kids to A&E- I said I’d go by myself and for him to take them home but DH inexplicably felt it would be completely wrong to let me go on my own in pain in a foreign country even though that was my preference. He insisted on coming as I wanted to check it out that night while we were geographically closer to a hospital than we’d be the next day. Thr kids and him stayed about 30 minutes then went home. I was there for about 6 hours.

It might not face been life-threateningly urgent but it DID need looking at by a hospital as it IS torn. Having a torn ACL is bloody painful and really quite debilitating as you can’t fully weight bear or bend and I’m now in a brace and on crutches for at least two weeks, which is all my holiday and more. The rehab period is at least 6 months of not using it fully, physio and possibly surgery. This isn’t just a sprain FFS.

Anyway I agree I overacted on the night and I did apologise for that.

But I’m not apologising for wanting to go to the Emergency room by myself about my own leg. I find it bloody weird that people think those in acute pain and genuinely injured should put everyone else’s wishes and needs before their own.

In the end, your OH was right, you injured yourself but not to the point that it required immediate urgent attention

But it DID require immediate attention because she was in agony! And as has been repeatedly stated on this post by well-informed posters, it IS a serious injury that would cause more harm if not attended to. WTF.

Guacatrole is right - all these bonkers responses are literally only because she’s a woman. A man would NEVER be expected to lie around in agony all night, increasing the damage to a repeat injury, to avoid minorly inconveniencing his family.

Everyone who called her dramatic, have a word with yourselves.

He said that he wanted to be with you but didn't want the kids there, hence being an impossible situation as you quoted him saying. That sounds a out right. I assume by the time you had dinner and got on the bus, it was getting late and kids were tired.

As it turned out, he was right that it was so serious it couldn't have waited until the morning and right that it would take a long time and it wouldn't have been fair to take the kids. He was sharing his view that he thought it could wait until the morning and then he could have been there with you but you decided that it was safer to go that evening, e pe ting him and the kids to go with you, yet ending up on you own anyway as it took so long.

You had a right to wa t to go to A&E if that's what you wanted to do but he wasn't a bad person, and certsi ly didn't deserve to be labelled as autistic because he thought waiting until the morning was best for everyone.

I'm glad you apologise, I hope he did too and hopefully you can make the best of the rest of the holiday. Its pants to have an old injury that leaves you vulnerable for further injury.

swingofthings, there is no scenario in which "waiting for the morning" is best for an ACL injury. The issue of OP's husband being right that it wouldn't be fair to take the kids is utterly irrelevant because she was not planning to do so. Why is that so hard to grasp?

Sympathies OP. I'm a GP with training in A&E medicine. If you can't put weight through a leg after an injury, there is a high chance of needing immediate treatment and you were quite right to go to A&E.

But the main thing I came on here to say was to please talk to the GP you see today about DVT prophylaxis (prevention) for the flight home. You may be at increased risk due to the knee injury and you may need medication & glamorous anti-embolic stockings to prevent it. Don't worry - the risk is avoidable as you get treatment and you may not even need treatment if the swelling has gone down and you are normally mobile by the time you get the flight, but it's best to talk to the GP while you have the chance.

Since when do we need a partners permission to make medical decisions for ourselves?

@swingofthings if you going to be so bloody righteous at least read my posts properly.

I certainly did NOT expect him and the kids to come with me - quite the opposite.

Of course he was right A&E would take a long time. Have you BEEN to A&E? It always takes a fucking long time. Which is partly why I’d prefer to do it in the night then in the daytime when I’d rather be with the kids.

If, as I suspect, you meant to say that DH was right that it wasn’t so serious it couldn’t wait until morning, you can fuck off. It IS serious and it was better to see to it immediately to get a brace as any jerk or twist or the pain increasing could cause the ligament to rupture further. How dare you tell me it wasn’t so serious. OBVIOUSLY it wasn’t life threatening. But it does seriously affect my long-term mobility. Which affects my ability to care for my kids and do my job as well as my mental and physical health. But you go on thinking you get to decide whether it’s serious or not.

I'm a horse rider, so would definitely have left it to the next day - no head injury, do RICE then re-asses. Plus, whatever pain I am in my priority is always 100% my children, DH & I are as one on that. We would see getting them safely home as a priority, then making a decision for me - as you had no head injury & weren't bleeding, that would have seemed the normal course of action to me. Why drag your kids to A&E? Get them home, then decide what to do. I am team DH on this one, I am afraid.