To be angry & upset that DH didn’t want me to go to hospital?

[ThisWayDown]

I’m in South Africa for a holiday with DH and DC. No family here but a friend. Today at the beach the waves were strong. I got knocked over by one and my knee gave way with a loud snap. I tore my anterior cruciatr ligament (ACL) 15 years ago when someone skied into me and had a reconstruction - it tore again some years later and I needed another. The way the knee sounded and hurt and not being able to stand on it made me really worry that I’d torn my ACL again.

DH helped me stand up and hobble over to our towels on the shore. He then said “we’re not going to A&E”. He was being slightly lighthearted but also totally serious. He said that’s because we went to A&E our last holiday due to a hand fracture I turned out to have.

We took the kids to get some dinner before heading back to our rented flat. As we went home on the bus, my knee became increasingly painful and in my view was swollen. DH said “oh shit” when I told him I was in pain and seemed angry. He said he was upset that I may have injured myself. He was caring but when I said I wanted to go to A&E he seemed to shut down, which he often does. He thought it was in my “best interests” not to but to get back to the apartment and rest and decide tomorrow, as it was “highly likely” that I wouldn’t need treatment and that the hospital wouldn’t be able to do anything. And the kids needed to get home. He thought I was being unreasonable going.

He’s not a doctor. I was angry that he’d - yet again - put what he thought should happen above what I did. He thought I should wait to the morning. When we got off the bus I told him to take the children home and I would call my friend to take me there. She didn’t answer. I said I’d take a cab. He said he wasn’t leaving me but he didn’t want to take the children to the hospital as that wasn’t in their best interests, so it was “an impossible situation”. He wanted me not to go. I said I was in considerable pain and I strongly suspected it was torn, and that I couldn’t believe he wanted to override that. We had a huge argument at the bus stop, in front of our kids They wanted to come to the hospital. Eventually we all went in a cab.

The triage nurse sent me to wait to see a doctor. My family stayed with me for a while but I sent them home so the kids could go to bed. My friend eventually called but had been drinking so couldn’t drive over to see me.

My DH said again while here innA&E that he hadn’t wanted to go to A&E as we went on the last holiday. I said I didn’t realise there was a quota, regardless of whether someone needed treatment or not I am so upset that he wanted me to delay hospital treatment to the next morning or, better yet, not seek any. I am so livid and heartbroken by his irrationality, callousness and rigidity (again) that I put my friend and not him as my emergency contact and told DH I’d let the kids know how I was getting on but not him.

I strongly suspect he is on the autistic - one of our children is - and so does our ASD child’s psychologist and the couples therapisf we used to see. He agrees that he has traits sometimes but when pressed will deny he has it and refuse to seek a diagnosis or accept that some of his thinking and actions are, er, different and frankly come across as selfish and uncaring. He says he was worried about me, just felt it was much better for me if I slept on it and decided on A&E in the morning. I said that wasn’t his decision to make.

We’ve had a lovely holiday so far but I am so down with him not respecting my opinion and thinking it’s aporopriate to think he knows best. I’ve been waiting for hours to see a doctor and, apart from my children who have been so sweet and caring, I feel utterly alone. AIBU to think he’s BU?

Hope the second leg of the journey is just as luxurious.

Btw.... honestly no pun intended!!!

I would be very uncertain about them paying out because you haven't declared the pre existing conditions.

And any future travel insurance taken out in future will also be expensive.

Good God the arseholes have been really out in force over Xmas! Op Im sorry you've got a ridiculously hard time, the level of twattery on this thread is unfathomable. I wanted to say thanks and sympathies. My ddad is almost certainly on the spectrum and when dm was diagnosed with a terminal cancer my dad refused to believe it (despite having heard the diagnosis, in person, in black and white that afternoon from the consultant) until my mum had another scan later that week, even though the scan was not to do with the diagnosis but with the treatment. It utterly beggared belief at the time, we were in shock and my mum in bits and there was my dad saying no, no, we don't know anything until the scan. He's a good man and excellent with practicalities but atrocious at the emotional support aspect. I had guessed that the denial was probably asd related but it isn't until reading your story that I understand it as being about avoidance in 'curveball' situations. That makes so much sense. I also wonder about illness/injury as a particularly frightening subject as it involves such a loss of control over the self, which must be hard when so much in asd revolves around needing to control your environment. Anyway it's hard enough behaviour to deal with in a parent, a partner must be so much harder. I guess it is useful to understand it's spectrum related but doesn't make it any easier to cope with when it's you on the receiving end. I hope you are home safely, take care of yourself!

Am landed in the UK! Waiting for wheelchair to take me through the airport.

justilou1

noenergy thanks for that nugget of hope & cheer The insurance company told me they were v likely to pay out, but I agree they may not or may only pay a percentage, but DH and I paid for the upgrade on the understanding we may not get it back but it was necessary.

And for a 15 hour flight it really was. There was another person on crutches in there too who’d broken his leg and got an upgrade from economy. I’ve just done the 2nd part of the trip which was a 7 hour flight with no upgrade but a bulkhead seat. It was really uncomfortable and sore l, even though the staff and I made a makeshift stool for my leg by putting two cabin crew luggage trolleys on top of each other. It certainly hasn’t done my knee much good that’s for certain, but there were no seats in business available unfortunately and the flight was full.

Still being in business was LOVELY and I managed to get pretty comfortable. It was upstairs with a separate bar and seating area, and the lovely staff let both my DC individually visit and sit in the otherwise empty lounge with me for a chat and a drink and a snack which was a really sweet bonding moment actually.

Got more to say in reply to posts so will be back.

Glad you're back!

Really glad that you got back - hope the airport assistance worked out OK (mine was pretty hit and miss last week with the wheelchair arriving 45 minutes after the time I had booked it for)

Even though I am 8 years on - flying is still pretty painful and I use ice for pain relief and swelling reduction. I hope that you can get treatment quickly. If you have access to hydrotherapy/warm water treatment - I found it very helpful

swingofthings - No still think the same! I said from my first posts that I felt sorry for OP's injury and I still do. It is horrible to have to envision more surgery and uncertainty, but I still don't believe that the outcome would have been any different if OP had gone to hospital the next morning after sleeping it off.

Sorry but that is an idiotic reply. You need to imbolise an ACL rupture as soon as possible to reduce the risk of the instability causing damage to the knee joint itself. We are not taking about needing a bandage but a professionally fitted brace. The surgeon has to set the angle of movement in the mechanical part of the brace to prevent further damage. In my case I have an odd shaped leg which was distorted by swelling so they couldn't find a standard brace and the ortho technicians had to "make" me a brace which involved wrapping my leg in molten plastic. I spent months in the plastic brace until we went over to a "made to measure" brace that was made for me and flown in from Austria.

As I have already written my knee joint could not be saved. After the surgery to replace the joint my surgeon confided that even though I won't walk properly again that he was relieved as he thought there had been an 80-90% chance of losing my leg above the knee.

I still don't believe that the outcome would have been any different if OP had gone to hospital the next morning after sleeping it off - sleeping what off? She was injured, not drunk, how the actual fuck can you sleep off an injury like that?

Welcome home! I’m sorry your trip to my country was so gruesome. I hope one day you can visit and enjoy it without pain! X

So you flew Emirates? :D

@LoudJazzHands nice try but nope.

Well my question at the bottom of page 4 was overlooked so I will respectfully ask again. Were you in South Africa (as in your OP) or in Australia?
Thank you in advance for taking the time to answer my question.

Oops sorry - not page 4 - it should read page 11 - my apologies.

@FrogsAreMean - Australia. I explained fairly earlyish in the thread why I said South originally. Thanks for waiting for a reply. I did see your first comment but as I was about to travel or was travelling already, I was drawn first to the posts with travelling leg injury & travel insurance advice as that was a time urgent thing I was going through

Frogs perhaps you could respectfully read the thread where it has been explained and commented on several times.
If you don't have time to read the whole thread, then it is courtesy to at least readall the OPs posts, you can get them all highlighted, so it is easy to do.

It is bad form to ask questions already properly answered, just because you didn't read the thread.

Finally responding to a few posts I've been meaning to:

@Frogsoup (gosh this is a froggy-weighted thread!) thanks for your comment, I'm glad that this thread helped you understand something. Interesting that your father wouldn't accept something until the scan - I think that's due to needing visible evidence, as hearing "an opinion" can be too abstract for people like your Dad and my DH sometimes, without clinical proof.

Yes, that's exactly it! He'll almost never take anybody's word for anything, come to think about it - he always needs to see evidence. it drives me bonkers.

Thanks for your well wishes @swingofthings . Others have picked you up on the following comment and I wanted to say my thoughts as this thread has really crystallised certain things for me.

No still think the same! I said from my first posts that I felt sorry for OP's injury and I still do. It is horrible to have to envision more surgery and uncertainty, but I still don't believe that the outcome would have been any different if OP had gone to hospital the next morning after sleeping it off.

Firstly, as a PP said, it's absolutely not something you can sleep off. I have completely torn and lost one of the four major knee ligaments. It's not something that grows back, especially after night.

Secondly, no I didn't need immediate surgery, but most soft tissue issues don't, it's rare that knee issues do. But despite that, the outcome would have been have different if I'd gone the next day. I would have spent a night in agony, with an unstable knee. Instead of getting an uber to the hospital and then one home, I probably would have done what my DH would have preferred and walked to the other bus stop and got a bus then a ferry then walked home. Unless I'd convinced him I was in so much pain that I wanted to get an uber back to our flat - which would have been very expensive. He would have done it if I'd insisted but that's my point - I'd have had to really argue my case with him and said how much it had hurt, and I'm fed up of doing that. Even if we had got an uber back, sitting in a car with my knee bent would have only aggravated it further. For me, going straight to the hospital, getting my suspicions confirmed and getting a support brace and strong pain killers and crutches about 10-12 hours sooner than I would have if I'd gone the next day WAS a more favourable outcome. In fact, if I'd waited, I could as PP have said, done further damage to it. I already had cartilage and meniscus damage, and this could have been aggravated by moving and twisting and bending the knee. Certainly the swelling and pain would have intensified, so going the next day would have been a worse outcome for me.

Also, as I mentioned, we happened to be passing a hospital at the time when we got off a bus to get the next one. It seemed opportune, as I suspected there wasn't one near were staying which is outside the city.

Thirdly, your attitude is exactly the type I despise in my DH and the whole point of my posting. Unless you are a doctor who has examined me, you/my DH/certain other posters do not get to tell me what would have been a better option and outcome for me, when I not only evidently have a better understanding of ACL injuries than you, but I am the one living with any potential outcome. Therefore it's me that gets to make that call, without having to justify myself to anyone else.

It's especially galling for me because, frankly, I have proven good instincts with understanding signs from my body and pain. Multiple times my cancer, despite being particularly hard to detect, was caught early because I knew something wasn't right and went to the doctor.

Further, you're missing the main point about my DH's objections. It wasn't fully about whether I went to A&E in the night or in the morning, it was that he was hoping to avoid A&E completely. Like you, I think he hoped I would sleep it off. Because he didn't want to go to A&E again after doing so on the last holiday (and having done so in between our holidays with our DC who was admitted for a week when we took them in). He didn't want something to be wrong, he said he felt "sick" that I'd hurt my leg again and was really upset, and he didn't want the stress and the disruption. Hence when he'd helped me out of the sea after my accident, his first words were "we're not going to A&E". When something is difficult and upsetting for him and as someone put above, he feels out of control, his first reaction is often to avoid it and, I guess, hope it will go away. It's a reaction that he displays in many ways. That leads him to then get defensive and irrational and dismissive when I want to tackle a difficult circumstance or issue, until he eventually gets his head round the idea.

He is in many ways v caring and will bring me a coffee in bed every day etc like @mirialis describes, but what is a big issue is his repeated inability to not accept that sometimes I or others understand and know a situation better than him or circumstances are such where our points of view count more.

Thiswayup

Thirdly, your attitude is exactly the type I despise in my DH and the whole point of my posting. Unless you are a doctor who has examined me, you/my DH/certain other posters do not get to tell me what would have been a better option

I concur wholeheartedly.

Perhaps you and other armchair psychologists will leave the diagnosing of autistic spectrum disorders to professionals too. Nothing worse than amateurs trying pretend they have similar knowledge to professionals.

Did you leave him to get travel insurance? Is it possible he didn’t arrange it?

Did he inform the insurers of your previous A and E treatment? If he didn't then they could decline to meet the bill for this treatment.

@AutisticHedgehog don’t be obtuse. I didn’t diagnose. I said my DH may have ASD. He’s in the process of being assessed having recently gone to his GP for a referral. He says himself that he’s probably on the spectrum. He has a family history of autism.

Please peddle your agenda elsewhere.

Good grief. Ignore, OP. Some people have big problems in their own lives and need to attack strangers on the internet. Have a gin for the pain, enjoy being in your own bed and a medical system you're accustomed to.... (Meanwhile, we won't mention the weather now you're back home.....) Once again, I apologise for the dreadful Australian waves that caused the injury. I hope that you managed to enjoy the wine, the scenery and the food instead. I hope you get your knee sorted soonish and your hobbling days are over. x

Or just perhaps, Autistichedgehog, we are desperately trying to gain some understanding of behaviours in our close relatives that are distressing and difficult to us? The alternative is to ascribe it to them just being an impossible or unpleasant individual, which is neither fair nor corresponds to our overall understanding of them as people. It is not fair or right for you to come onto threads where people are trying to deal with their own distressing relationship situations and tell them that they are not allowed to speculate about what is causing them. This is not about you!