I’m in South Africa for a holiday with DH and DC. No family here but a friend. Today at the beach the waves were strong. I got knocked over by one and my knee gave way with a loud snap. I tore my anterior cruciatr ligament (ACL) 15 years ago when someone skied into me and had a reconstruction - it tore again some years later and I needed another. The way the knee sounded and hurt and not being able to stand on it made me really worry that I’d torn my ACL again.
DH helped me stand up and hobble over to our towels on the shore. He then said “we’re not going to A&E”. He was being slightly lighthearted but also totally serious. He said that’s because we went to A&E our last holiday due to a hand fracture I turned out to have.
We took the kids to get some dinner before heading back to our rented flat. As we went home on the bus, my knee became increasingly painful and in my view was swollen. DH said “oh shit” when I told him I was in pain and seemed angry. He said he was upset that I may have injured myself. He was caring but when I said I wanted to go to A&E he seemed to shut down, which he often does. He thought it was in my “best interests” not to but to get back to the apartment and rest and decide tomorrow, as it was “highly likely” that I wouldn’t need treatment and that the hospital wouldn’t be able to do anything. And the kids needed to get home. He thought I was being unreasonable going.
He’s not a doctor. I was angry that he’d - yet again - put what he thought should happen above what I did. He thought I should wait to the morning. When we got off the bus I told him to take the children home and I would call my friend to take me there. She didn’t answer. I said I’d take a cab. He said he wasn’t leaving me but he didn’t want to take the children to the hospital as that wasn’t in their best interests, so it was “an impossible situation”. He wanted me not to go. I said I was in considerable pain and I strongly suspected it was torn, and that I couldn’t believe he wanted to override that. We had a huge argument at the bus stop, in front of our kids 
They wanted to come to the hospital. Eventually we all went in a cab.
The triage nurse sent me to wait to see a doctor. My family stayed with me for a while but I sent them home so the kids could go to bed. My friend eventually called but had been drinking so couldn’t drive over to see me.
My DH said again while here innA&E that he hadn’t wanted to go to A&E as we went on the last holiday. I said I didn’t realise there was a quota, regardless of whether someone needed treatment or not 
I am so upset that he wanted me to delay hospital treatment to the next morning or, better yet, not seek any. I am so livid and heartbroken by his irrationality, callousness and rigidity (again) that I put my friend and not him as my emergency contact and told DH I’d let the kids know how I was getting on but not him.
I strongly suspect he is on the autistic - one of our children is - and so does our ASD child’s psychologist and the couples therapisf we used to see. He agrees that he has traits sometimes but when pressed will deny he has it and refuse to seek a diagnosis or accept that some of his thinking and actions are, er, different and frankly come across as selfish and uncaring. He says he was worried about me, just felt it was much better for me if I slept on it and decided on A&E in the morning. I said that wasn’t his decision to make.
We’ve had a lovely holiday so far but I am so down with him not respecting my opinion and thinking it’s aporopriate to think he knows best. I’ve been waiting for hours to see a doctor and, apart from my children who have been so sweet and caring, I feel utterly alone. AIBU to think he’s BU?
AIBU?
To be angry & upset that DH didn’t want me to go to hospital?
ThisWayDown · 26/12/2018 13:04
YANBU
His reason for you not going is because you went last holiday...
Not because
-it may be better in the morning after resting
- he didn't want you on your own
- he thinks you are a drama queen and it's not that painful.
Yep there is no logic or compassion/empathy in his thought process.
Hope you get seen soon
OP my DH has Aspergers and I think that makes this situation a bit different. Head on over to partners of people with Aspergers thread and you might get some more understanding about nuances here. It's VERY different to having a child with it.
Personally, the fact that you'd had two ops on the same knee would make me more, not less, likely to think you should get it checked out immediately.
I really hope it's not the same injury again.
Don't apologise to anyone! You were in agony and needed to be seen. You have been in this situation before, you know what you're talking about.
I hope the pain starts to ease off. It sounds like agony.
Don't you dare apologise to any of them. Women/mums tend to put themselves last. Don't do that to yourself, you deserve better. Get them to look after you as no doubt you would look after them. 
Bsst of luck op. It's horrible hurting yourself when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself on holiday.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
I’m very grateful for some of these replies. Some of you are very kind and also spot on. Yes DH is avoidant, yes it’s (probably) not his fault that he’s (—definitely— probably autistic). But jeez I wish he’d accept he has these traits and not argue that he’s being perfectly reasonable, or to accuse me of being horrible and unreasonable when I point out the flaws in his logic.
Am still waiting. Am very tired. There’s three men sitting behind me who appear like they might be both homeless and inebriated. They reek unfortunately. One of them keeps asking for diaezepam every 5 minutes to every staff member that comes past, even if he’s already asked them 10 times. One of the nurses just cuts him off mid-sentence with “no”. 
I hope you are seen soon, ThisWayDown and that you feel better by tomorrow.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.