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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed that DP did not get DD a Christmas present?

112 replies

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:19

Been with DP for a little over 18 months. He came to us for Christmas Eve evening and half of Christmas Day then left to travel to see his family. He and DD get on alright although have not formed much of a relationship as owing to my family circumstamces when we started dating, they haven't spent a huge amount of time together. He does, however, know what kind of things she is into. He didn't give her anything at all for Christmas. I'm not materialistic and didn't expect him to give her anything expensive or lots of presents, just a little token to let her know her acknowledges her and make her feel included. I didn't bring it up yesterday as didn't want a row on Christmas. DD has been hard work for me recently and I've offloaded to DP about this, but a lot of it is down to her reaction to some very difficult family circumstances that we've been through. I'm thinking I should mention it to him next time we meet. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Mrskeats · 26/12/2018 11:21

Well I wouldn’t be too impressed tbh. Surely he could have picked up a gift? Seems a bit mean.

Yewnicorn · 26/12/2018 11:22

Very mean.

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2018 11:22

Dickhead.

nicslackey · 26/12/2018 11:24

Not a keeper imo

Butteredghost · 26/12/2018 11:27

How old is she? Maybe a bit mean but to be fair, if you two were a long term couple, you and him wouldn't do separate gifts for her. Could he have been thinking your gift was a joint gift, signed from OP and DP.

Seeline · 26/12/2018 11:28

How old is DD?

HaudYerWheestHen · 26/12/2018 11:29

He didn't buy his girlfriend's child, possibly his own future stepchild a gift for Christmas? It's been over a year and a half. She definitely falls into the "who I should be buying gifts for" category.
It doesn't bode well I'm afraid. Sorry. I can't abide thoughtlessness. Someone not caring enough to consider their actions or lack thereof.

Original poster

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:30

He is having family meal with his siblings and mum today. Said to me the other day that he was going to ask me if I wanted to come but I wouldn't be able to because I need to look after DD. DD is 12. I'd have thought she could be included on a family meal. I haven't met any of his family yet. He doesn't see them very often himself, only on occasions like Christmas. I'd understand if DD was a noisy toddler and it was a grownups only meal (it's out at a restaurant, not at home) but his comment got me wondering if me having a kid is the reason I haven't met his family. He knew about her as soon as we started dating. I'm not going to kneejerk break up with him over this but feel I need to have a serious conversation about it with him. If his reaction isn't good then I'll have to seriously reconsider things.

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 26/12/2018 11:30

Mean / tight

Jaxtellerswife · 26/12/2018 11:32

Nope. Even early on a token gesture would be expected. After 18 months, definitely something more.
A thoughtful gift isn't that hard and doesn't have to be expensive, this would change my feelings I think.

Original poster

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:32

@butteredghost I'd maybe do this if we lived together or had planned what to get her together

OP posts:

sackrifice · 26/12/2018 11:33

I have to say I am shocked. As soon as me and my OH got together, my whole family welcomed my stepdaughter, bought her presents etc.

He is not a keeper love. He is showing you that he gives no shits about your daughter.

AdobeWanKenobi · 26/12/2018 11:33

Mean. For context, I bought 2 small selection boxes for my closest work friends kids who I've met once.

Nothing at all for a partners child is just horrible.

Seeline · 26/12/2018 11:34

I think he should have got her something. At 12 she will feel very left out. Did he give you something in front of her, and just ignore her? Did she have anything to give him?

randomchap · 26/12/2018 11:36

Did you discuss it before Christmas? He might not have wanted to take the focus off the gifts you got her. Or he might have felt awkward buying something for someone he doesn't have much of a relationship with.

It would be worth finding out why he didn't but her anything. You said you didn't want to bring it up on Christmas day to avoid a row, do you often row over things or are you able to discuss things rationally without it turning into an argument?

Original poster

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:37

@seeline yes he gave me mine in front of her. No she didn't have anything to give him but then she didn't give me anything either (we are out in the country, she has no way of going to buy me something without ke taking her so her getting me a present would have involved me taking her to town and buying her something to give me, haha)

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 11:39

My Dp of 2 years got my son a remote control car. He doesn't live with us and up until recently, ds knew him as my friend only.

He still got him something.

Original poster

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:39

@randomchap we have never really had a row. Neither of us likes confrontation. This is the first thing I've really felt strongly about bringing up but I don't think I should let it go.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2018 11:42

I would be more worried about never having met his family. Do they even know you exist?
Is he friendly to your dd, interested in you chatting about her etc. Some guys just never think about presents but his overall attitude is important.
Next year drive your dd to town, give her money and send her off to buy you a present. She needs to be learning about these things and its nice for you to see what she chooses.

SlowDown76mph · 26/12/2018 11:42

Just ask him nicely if there is any reason why he didn't get DD a present. Don't fill the silence... just listen to his explanation. I think his reaction and words will illuminate things.

Greycat11 · 26/12/2018 11:45

This was at best extremely thoughtless of him or at worst he's showing his true colours. Surely he should want to be on good terms with your DD and want her acceptance as much as anything? And even if he went through the motions should want to please you. The meal out is a bit less of a snub in my opinion but still not great.

magoria · 26/12/2018 11:47

He has told you he doesn't see DD as someone he wants around and introduced to his family. He sees you as his GF and her as something else NOT you and DD as a package.

Do you really see yourself in a long term relationship where your DD is not invited to family events on his side? He never buys her gifts? What if you have another DC with him? Will DD be left out while his own DC are treated as family?

Take a long hard look how you see this going forward.

CatnissEverdene · 26/12/2018 11:47

I think he's showing you the person he is. Thoughtless and mean. Even a selection box would have been a gesture. You're insane to keep him in your life if he's showing your DD such a shocking lack of thought.

Argonauts · 26/12/2018 11:47

He should have given her something — and it was very poor form not to — but I don’t think that it would have been a good idea for you to meet his family for the first ever time at Christmas with your daughter present.

Also, to be honest, not what you asked, but I’d expect a 12 year old to have a bit more get up and go in terms of getting her mother a present — it’s not as though Christmas is unexpected, and even if you live in the sticks, she must surely have been somewhere with shops in the last month or six weeks? Or, if you’re not a very present-ish family, maybe your boyfriend was picking up on that?

TornFromTheInside · 26/12/2018 11:49

Actually, there could a reason for this, even if it's a little bit flawed...

He might be unsure about getting too close to your daughter, as this is a huge deal. It's possible he didn't want to give a gift out of fear that it might look presumptuous when mum's b/f starts giving her gifts.

Yes, I know that sounds a little daft, but it's possible that was his reasoning. He could (and should) have maybe just asked you if you'd be ok with it - then all would have been fine.
I would find it hard to believe he wouldn't want to buy her a gift for any other reason, but who knows.

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