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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DP did not get DD a Christmas present?

112 replies

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:19

Been with DP for a little over 18 months. He came to us for Christmas Eve evening and half of Christmas Day then left to travel to see his family. He and DD get on alright although have not formed much of a relationship as owing to my family circumstamces when we started dating, they haven't spent a huge amount of time together. He does, however, know what kind of things she is into. He didn't give her anything at all for Christmas. I'm not materialistic and didn't expect him to give her anything expensive or lots of presents, just a little token to let her know her acknowledges her and make her feel included. I didn't bring it up yesterday as didn't want a row on Christmas. DD has been hard work for me recently and I've offloaded to DP about this, but a lot of it is down to her reaction to some very difficult family circumstances that we've been through. I'm thinking I should mention it to him next time we meet. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 12:29

I don't complain about DD to him 'all the time'. And he did say he didn't feel it was his place to talk to DD and he didn't want to interfere but he could talk to her if I wanted him to. And I said no thanks. But I think he was just trying to be helpful because he could see how stressed out I was. Thing is, we've been moving around so much, things have been very unsettled.

OP posts:
ThatPeskyElf · 26/12/2018 12:31

18 months... you haven’t met his family, he didn’t buy future step daughter a gift.

He’s hiding something or he’s not in it for the long haul.

Sorry lovely, but I’d distance myself.
Tell him he’s upset you.
He sounds like many boyfriends I’ve had. Past tense.

Kittykat93 · 26/12/2018 12:33

If he was panicking about what to buy her he could have asked you for ideas op. He's thoughtless and mean and leaving your daughter out. I would definitely be having a serious conversation.

Seaweed42 · 26/12/2018 12:34

He certainly sounds like he is keeping your DD at arms length.
And you too to some extent.
I can't think of many people who would give someone a present and not even bring a small box of sweets or something for the child that they knew would be in the household. It's plain weird.
After going out with you for 18 months I'm a bit surprised he headed off alone to his Mum and siblings like a 'single' person.
Has he told them he is in a relationship?

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2018 12:36

I think that after the length of time you have been together, a present for your DD would have been appropriate. However I do think she should have got him something as well.

If you raise it now, he will likely say 'well she didn't get me anything' as a rationale for his behaviour.

Sounds like he is happy to have a relationship with you but that your daughter is not park of 'the package' as he sees it.

OlennasWimple · 26/12/2018 12:36

I don't agree that DD should have been invited to his family meal - you haven't met any of them yourself, and it could be far too much for a 12 year old to handle meeting lots of strangers all at once without anyone to help her navigate the tricky situation

I do agree that he should have bought her a small present, but as she didn't get him anything (either at your instigation or her own suggestion) it's not the end of world.

I wouldn't raise it with him as "you didn't get DD anything for Christmas" - that's only a symptom of what you say in your OP: they don't have a good relationship. You need to think about that carefully from both their perspectives and figure out if they ever will.

Orchiddingme · 26/12/2018 12:39

I'm still stuck on your dd not being able to get you a present. Next year, see if you can facilitate that, or get her her own bank account. My children have their own debit cards at this age and buy stuff online/get sweets/chocolate for friends when they go to school.

If you don't seem very present-oriented, it's not quite as surprising he didn't get anything- although may be worth asking why.

I'd also ask your dd honestly how she feels about your relationship, but I have a horrid feeling you won't like the answer.

He doesn't sound like he's very into the whole situation, she may interpret his quietness as dislike, it all sounds quite stressful on top of what you have already been though.

LonginesPrime · 26/12/2018 12:41

The fact that he offered to have a word with her but doesn't consider her a part of his family suggests that he just sees your DD as an inconvenience and a problem to be solved.

I agree with others that he's certainly not a keeper.

If you have to tell him that he should be seeing your daughter as a part of the family if that's how he sees you, then he may well go through the motions of displaying this. But the fact he didn't reach this conclusion on his own will likely mean that any change in his attitude towards your DD won't come from the heart. It sounds like he just doesn't 'get' it.

TornFromTheInside · 26/12/2018 12:42

Maybe he could have taken you out on Christmas Eve - both of you, and paid for it as a sort of gift, without it being a tangible present - but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Ultimately you need to understand his rationale. You've been with him 18 months so it would seem you think he's a decent man. I suspect he's just made a silly mistake based on not wanting to assume it's ok to buy your daughter gifts, but still, if he's staying with you, he should have bought gifts regardless of being mum's b/f or not.

Could money be an issue? he might be embarrassed to mention it (even so, a very simple gift ought to be been achievable).

It's going to be hard to broach this subject, but you're going to have to.

delboysskinandblister · 26/12/2018 12:42

Your kids should always come first. I am always astounded at the amount of parents that meet a new partner and think that this kind of secular life is acceptable. What message does that send to your daughter? Sidelined by mum's boyfriend invitation and gift list at Christmas or any other time of year and then Mum doesn't think that's reason enough to split with him. What am I worth to my mother compared to her sex life?

Ditch him - concentrate on your daughter if you meet someone else make sure he knows you come as a package, you are all together not left off the present list or the family gathering. Frankly any man should be lucky to be included in the child's life.

I feel very sorry for your kid.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2018 12:48

YesSheCan the no present is horrible. Not meeting family might be more about them than you.

I'd take the advice of SlowDown76mph

"Just ask him nicely if there is any reason why he didn't get DD a present. Don't fill the silence... just listen to his explanation. I think his reaction and words will illuminate things."

And really do not fill the silence...

TornFromTheInside · 26/12/2018 12:53

But there has to be a distance between Mum's boyfriends and her child(ren). Men can come and go and it's fair to let children establish relationships then have them broken just because Mum is no longer seeing the man.

There has to a transition from 'casual male friend' to something more serious - and that's when things get complicated with a child. It's a fine balance between inclusion and protection for all parties. The man can also get attached to a child and if the relationship ends, it can be hard for him too. Ultimately though, a child's attachment is generally more easily formed, and that's why parents have to be careful.

18 month (to me) seems like a reasonably firm relationship, but if he's essentially no more than a FWB, then that's different to a man you are considering living with as a family.

Regardless of how close he is (or might get) to your daughter... imagine if he'd simply been an old friend you'd not seen for a while, came for Xmas dinner etc... You'd sort of expect he'd bring a gift for your daughter to - just as a matter of course. Wouldn't you?

alwayslearning789 · 26/12/2018 13:02

He is showing you who he is OP.

Listen.

And act.

This will not end well for your daughter and your relationship with her in the long term.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2018 13:08

YesSheCan "He had also listened to me talking about my recent difficulties with her behaviour and gave his carefully considered rational thoughts about it, offering to have a word with her. And that meant a lot to me as I thought it showed he saw her as part of his life now."

It's good that this made you feel pleased but I am with llangennith on this. He should not be 'having a word' because if your dd is misbehaving that word could end up achrimoniois, or guilt trippy 'you know you are hurting your mum' etc.

If you need help with issues I'd look to really well known and trusted friends and family to help you help her or perhaps, in some circumstances, to school.

Mummylife2018 he didn't know what to get and so got nothing! I'd be very disappointed at his lack of thought and unwillingness to discuss this. Really badly done.

Agree with Butchyrestingface "And at the age of 12, she should be giving you something."

Gift giving is part of life and you are the closest person to her!

My dd is 14 and told dh this year (as she has gone sometimes before) she would like to get me her own gift. This was made up of recycled gifts and home made art (she is very good at art) and I was delighted. It's the thought and not the cost. And this is the same for your boyfriend and dd.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2018 13:14

done not gone!

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 26/12/2018 13:29

I'm also in complicated circumstances, and as far as my kids are aware, my OH is just my best friend. We have been in a relationship for YEARS though. He's only met the DC once, and that was at an event we all just happened to be at.

But he always hands me over selection boxes for them, or gift tokens, or something. Nothing lavish, just something extra for them to open. Because he cares about them, because they are part of me.

Agree with PP that you need to ask him why he didn't buy her anything, and then just let him answer. That will tell you what you need to know.

JocelynB101 · 26/12/2018 13:43

He is not your partner. You refer to him as DP but he doesn't see himself as being anything other than your boyfriend. He may even consider himself to have been quite a good boyfriend, one who has been supportive and understanding of your issues with your DD, etc.

Understandably, you are looking for a partnership. It doesn't look like he has any interest in being one. I think you may have to accept this and look elsewhere.

SparklyMagpie · 26/12/2018 13:52

My boyfriend got my DS some a few little gifts that I know he'd thought hard about. He's only 3 and my boyfriend didn't have to and I didn't expect anything.

After 18 months, yes I'd be a little unhappy
:( it's not much to get a small token is it ?

I got my boyfriend's friends son a gift from us an I've only known then about 4 months

OneStepSideways · 26/12/2018 13:55

If her behaviour has been challenging as you described, and you've been complaining to him, why would he get her a present or invite her to a family meal with his parents?

I don't think anyone is obliged to give a Christmas present to someone else's child, unless you're living together or he's taking on a parent role?
Maybe he's not ready for that?

Westwing1 · 26/12/2018 14:01

Sorry OP but that just isn't right. Not just the lack of present for your daughter but not meeting his family too. I would move on if I were you. Your DD should be your number one priority, not saying she isn't but I feel bad for her. I have a DD aged 12 too and she treasures a £5 small Niffler (cuddly toy creature) from her brother for her birthday earlier this year. Gifts don't have to be expensive.

Somersetlady · 26/12/2018 14:07

Not buying a present is inexcusable.

The family meal thing I get if it was an adult only meal with no other children.

GreenDinosaur · 26/12/2018 14:11

Our builder got a present for my DS this year!
Your DP of 18 months not bothering is weird, sorry.

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2018 14:49

He's not accepting of your daughter and doesn't seem that much into you. His actions are of somebody keeping their distance. Doesn't sound good for the future. Put your daughter first and move on.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2018 14:53

OneStepSideways "If her behaviour has been challenging as you described, and you've been complaining to him, why would he get her a present...* Despite the old naughty and nice list that Santa is meant to have, most of us don't buy presents for children based on their behavior.

I think the meal out is a separate issue. I can imagine a lot of reasons a person would not invite their girlfriend and her child out for a meal in a restaurant, he may be embarrassed about his family.

"I don't think anyone is obliged to give a Christmas present to someone else's child, unless you're living together or he's taking on a parent role?
Maybe he's not ready for that?" I think that is fine but if that is the case then don't give the present for your girlfriend/partner to her in front of the child! At the very least this is common decency, IMHO.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 15:01

Re the meal out, he said I could have come but not my daughter.

I have also kept him at a distance due to the difficult home circumstances with my mother up until fairly recently and not wanting him to be involved in this, so maybe that is why he doesn't feel particularly involved in my family life with DD.

OP posts:
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