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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DP did not get DD a Christmas present?

112 replies

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:19

Been with DP for a little over 18 months. He came to us for Christmas Eve evening and half of Christmas Day then left to travel to see his family. He and DD get on alright although have not formed much of a relationship as owing to my family circumstamces when we started dating, they haven't spent a huge amount of time together. He does, however, know what kind of things she is into. He didn't give her anything at all for Christmas. I'm not materialistic and didn't expect him to give her anything expensive or lots of presents, just a little token to let her know her acknowledges her and make her feel included. I didn't bring it up yesterday as didn't want a row on Christmas. DD has been hard work for me recently and I've offloaded to DP about this, but a lot of it is down to her reaction to some very difficult family circumstances that we've been through. I'm thinking I should mention it to him next time we meet. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Debfronut · 27/12/2018 13:21

I would let the present issue go. I would be more concerned that after 18 months he thinks you could not come to see his family because of your daughter. Some people both men and women look at previous children as if they are nothing to do with the relationship they are in. I have spoken to many who look forward to the child being 16 or 18 so they will leave because they want the person not the children. Its not something to accept OP. You deserve someone who takes on the package that is you and your daughter. 18 months is plenty of time to know if something is wrong or right and from the things you have said I would say this relationship does not sound a keeper.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 13:21

Like I said before, I would if we lived together but don't reckon joint present is automatic for every parent with a partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 13:26

DD came to DP's 40th party at his house. Think he'd prefer me to have got a babysitter so I could come on my own but that wasn't an option and I basically said I could only come if DD could come too. She chatted with his friends (who said what a lovely girl she was) for a little while then went off to bed to watch films on her tablet. It was all fine.
Maybe his family are weird about children coming to gatherings.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2018 13:27

OneStepSideways "She's not his child though. Giving her a present would be a nice token, but he might be less inclined to if her mother is always complaining to him about her bad behaviour."

You're welcome to your view but to me giving a present to s child is not dependant on the child's behaviour.

Anyway, he gave her some chocolates so all"s well that ends well. Grin

Original poster
YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 13:29

And I remember at the time his concern about her coming to his party was that it would be hard for her because there wouldn't he amy other kids there, not that he didn't want her to stay at his house. I dunno, I just need to talk to him. Still haven't got the hang of having relationship conversations without massive anxiety taking over.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 13:31

@italiangreyhound I agree. I should be able to confide in my partner about difficulties with DD's behaviour without worrying that if he hears she's been badly behaved, he won't get her a gift. It's me the behaviour was aimed at and I still bought her gifts!

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 27/12/2018 13:33

Not a keeper.

FortunesFave · 27/12/2018 13:46

You seem to be looking for excuses "He bought her chocolates" (he didn't...not really) and "He was worried she'd be bored"

It's all a bit obvious to anyone with any decency OP. You buy a gift for any children that are there....especially the child of your partner! It's a shocking thing he's done.

notapizzaeater · 27/12/2018 13:56

He could have just bought her. A selection box - £1 - that wasn't beyond anyone surely ?

Keeptrudging · 27/12/2018 14:07

One of the things I love about my (now) DH and his family is that they have never made a difference between my DCs and DH's children at Christmas/birthdays. They wouldn't have dreamt of not giving them a present.

My Stepdad, who was my 'father' from the age of 16 until he died when I was early 40s, maintained right up to the end that I wasn't 'blood', so he didn't buy presents etc (or leave me anything in his will, which is less relevant). He cared about me, wasn't a nasty man, but continued to state the 'not blood' issue in relation to my own children (his grandchildren). Very, very hurtful. I couldn't continue in a relationship with a man who didn't include my children (or introduce me to his family after 18 months).

Original poster
YesSheCan · 29/12/2018 12:40

Didn't hear anything from him after Christmas Day, until this morning after I emailed last night (I'm staying somewhere with no mobile reception and he doesn't do FB messenger or whatsapp). I guessed it was because he felt stressed out after spending time with all his family and had gone a bit quiet (he did similar last Christmas - I didn't hear from him for a few days then when I saw him he seemed stressed when I asked him if he'd had a nice time seeing his family). Just had a brief reply. No mention of any plans for new year. I know some people get a bit down at this time of year and find Christmas difficult but I don't know if it's that or he just can't be that arsed. Am going to get on with things here with DD and not bother waiting around to see what his plans are.

OP posts:
PristineCondition · 29/12/2018 12:51

In every post you make an excuse for his bad behaviour. You deserve better op

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