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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed that DP did not get DD a Christmas present?

112 replies

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:19

Been with DP for a little over 18 months. He came to us for Christmas Eve evening and half of Christmas Day then left to travel to see his family. He and DD get on alright although have not formed much of a relationship as owing to my family circumstamces when we started dating, they haven't spent a huge amount of time together. He does, however, know what kind of things she is into. He didn't give her anything at all for Christmas. I'm not materialistic and didn't expect him to give her anything expensive or lots of presents, just a little token to let her know her acknowledges her and make her feel included. I didn't bring it up yesterday as didn't want a row on Christmas. DD has been hard work for me recently and I've offloaded to DP about this, but a lot of it is down to her reaction to some very difficult family circumstances that we've been through. I'm thinking I should mention it to him next time we meet. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Thespace · 26/12/2018 15:08

Giving him the benefit of the doubt just ever so slightly, if he hasn’t got children himself he might not have thought how important it is to include her especially as he doesn’t know her very well. Until I had dc myself, I was probably more thoughtless and unaware than I would be now.

Having said that he could have got her a token something like a selection box and some stationery or smellies or something which would not have been hard.

What did he get you op out of interest?

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2018 15:19

What was his reason for inviting you but not your daughter?

Original poster

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 15:25

He got me exactly what I asked for - we asked each other what we wanted before Christmas.

He gave no reason for inviting me but not DD, just said it as though the reason was obvious. I was a bit thrown and didn't ask.

OP posts:

mumofblueeyes · 26/12/2018 15:26

The present thing says to me that he has a relationship with you but does not consider he has a relationship with your daughter. The not being invited to his family meal after knowing him 18 months suggests your relationship is still at the very early stages. Depends what you want - if you want a serious / being a family thing, I would get rid.
If you are happy having a boyfriend to spend a bit of time with as an adult, all is fine!

OneStepSideways · 26/12/2018 15:27

Despite the old naughty and nice list that Santa is meant to have, most of us don't buy presents for children based on their behaviour

She's not his child though. Giving her a present would be a nice token, but he might be less inclined to if her mother is always complaining to him about her bad behaviour. Perhaps he is not interested in building a rapport with her? Perhaps he finds her behaviour difficult to cope with and doesn't feel like treating her. Or perhaps he's just not ready to take on the stepfather role.

SparklyMagpie · 26/12/2018 15:27

Sorry OP but whatever situations you have going on with your mother or family shouldn't make a difference. Why should that effect whether he gets a present for your daughter? Just a small gift.

When my boyfriend wanted to double check the small presents he got my son, I told him he didn't have to and he replied " you're right I didn't have to, but I wanted to !" We have been together just over half the time you have.

And your daughter not being invited :( he doesn't sound in this or cut out for it at all. I can appreciate it can be hard, but it's not much effort it it :(

SparklyMagpie · 26/12/2018 15:28

"Perhaps he is not interested in building a rapport with her? Perhaps he finds her behaviour difficult to cope with and doesn't feel like treating her. Or perhaps he's just not ready to take on the stepfather role."

He should rethink then shouldn't he, if he doesn't want that. They come together and her DD will always come first

OneStepSideways · 26/12/2018 15:35

He should rethink then shouldn't he, if he doesn't want that. They come together and her DD will always come first

I agree. Unless it's a casual relationship that's not going to end in living together. Lots of adults have relationships that are more about dinner dates and cosy nights in when the kids are away.
OP have you talked to him about where the relationship is going?

Yabbers · 26/12/2018 15:50

Last year my husband didn't buy any of our daughter's gifts. She had to remind him to get me a gift from her (she was 8)

He's just not a gift type guy.

Maybe the restaurant was an adult only restaurant.

Or, like everyone else you could just jump to the mean, miserly guy who hates your daughter.

In my experience guys just don't think of these things quite so deeply.

Whataboutbobbo · 26/12/2018 16:32

He is not interested in coming into your family. He just wants a relationship with you. I don't think this relationship shop is fair to your daughter. You need to put her first.

ABCagain · 26/12/2018 16:41

Re the Meal, he said I could come but Daughter could not.
Bin him he’s a Twat and if you’re Sad enough to stay with him you’re a Twat also.

ThePeachPit · 26/12/2018 17:00

Been with my bf about the same amount of time. He got her something last Christmas. Although he didn’t spend time with her then, so said to just leave it with her Santa presents. This year he suggested he just give me some money towards her Santa presents, (he helped with shopping and choosing). But he is moving in and my dd is younger.

His parents have met dd once and we’re going to visit for a few days tomorrow, this will be the first time dds stayed over night there. They’ve bought her some Christmas gifts and even got a room ready for her. His mum asked him what dd liked so they could get a duvet cover etc to make the room nice for her.

I can understand him not being sure what to do for the best, but I’d have expected him to ask. What did he do on her birthday? What did you do for his? I got my bf a small something from dd on his birthday and for Christmas.

ohfourfoxache · 26/12/2018 17:09

Oh bloody hell, I remember you - you’ve been through hell with your Mum.

He was really thoughtless about your dd and I’m not convinced he’s a keeper tbh - sorry

Original poster

YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 12:19

I'm not going to make any rash decisions now. Me and DP both have stuff going on - I'm buying a house and technically homeless right now, and he is in process of changing to new job after very busy stressful time at work. When things are more settled I'll talk to him about future of our relationship.

Those who say 'put your child first', I have been putting DD first - withdrew from previous house purchase so she could return to her old school, which involves moving further away from DP again; have gone without seeing him for up to 3 weeks due to all the moving around between temporary places to stay; have gone to parenting clinic and read up endless parenting advice on how I can improve relationship with DD and help her after all the family turmoil; spoken with her school and close family friends for help and support. And yes, when I talk with DP I will spell out that he can't have a relationship based on pretending that I don't have a child when we see each other.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 27/12/2018 12:27

yes he gave me mine in front of her

Whatever he's "got going on" that would be enough for me to kick him right to the kerb.

My child's feelings win every time and you're not telling me that a 12 year old wouldn;t feel shit at that happening.

Original poster

YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 12:38

When I think about it, it was me who said, 'Shall we open presents? I'll go and get yours' and he said, 'What, now?' (It was late Christmas morning so DD had already opened her stocking presents). I said that I'd prepped all the veg and the turkey was in so now could be a good time (he was planning on leaving around 3 as had a long drive to family). He got up and said, 'ok, I'll have to get it out of the car'. On reflection, he may have been planning to give me my present just before he left, away from DD, and explain to me that he hadn't known what to get for DD and didn't want to exchange our gifts in front of her - who knows? But when I suggested opening presents I just assumed there would be one for DD too. She hasn't said anything about it. Think I'll ask her how she feels.

OP posts:

FlippinNora1 · 27/12/2018 12:48

He doesn’t see you and your dd as a package. I don’t see a long term future for you with him. Fine as an arms length boyfriend, but not as a serious partner. Sorry OP x

BaeBae · 27/12/2018 12:50

I’d quickly wrap something up and say it was from him. No need for her to suffer because of your and his dynamic. Tell him you did this & say to him, next time please bring a gift for my child too.

Original poster

YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 12:52

Just had a chat with DD. Said I was sorry I hadn't realised there was no present for her when I'd suggested to DP that we open our gifts. She said, 'it's fine. He gave me a box of chocolates' (he'd brought a dessert and some champagne as he'd asked me if I wanted him to bring anything and I said dessert and drink. He also bought a box of chocolates and after the present opening I'd wondered if the chocolates had been meant for DD). I didn't think so as he'd let me go ahead and open them the previous night after DD went to bed and we had one each. However, after the present opening and no gift for DD, after DP had left to see his family, I said to DD that I was sorry but I'd accidentally opened the box of chocolates and I then thought they were actually meant for her. I just said, I'm not sure if they were or not, DP didn't say, and she said, oh well, I ate them anyway so it's fine. She doesn't seem bothered but that's not the point. Me and DP definitely need to communicate better.

OP posts:

theonetowalkinthesun · 27/12/2018 12:58

Going against the grain, but after 18 months, this being the first Christmas as you said they hadn't met last Christmas, and especially not living together, I wouldn't have bought a present either! I would be worried about it being overstepping the mark/going too far! Or would have asked you maybe if it would be okay for me to buy a present? I wouldn't want child or you or child's father to think I'm treading on any toes trying to act as dad! So just to say I wouldn't assume he was a bad person, that's all, need to talk to him first to establish why

FortunesFave · 27/12/2018 13:09

Walk what? You'd spend Christmas Eve and sleep at someone's home and wake up there on Christmas morning and not buy the child a gift in case it was "too far"??

Really?

Notacluethisxmas · 27/12/2018 13:10

theonetowalkinthesun so you would stay over at someone's house on Christmas eve and not take a token gift for their kids, regardless of you connection to the parent?

Original poster

YesSheCan · 27/12/2018 13:14

DD is 12 and has no contact with her father. So a) she wouldn't get confused that DP was 'dad' and b) DP wouldn't be treading on any toes

OP posts:

kayakingmum · 27/12/2018 13:19

I think it's weird you wouldn't automatically do a joint present/presents from you and him.

PristineCondition · 27/12/2018 13:19

Nah it’s shite,
My distant cousin has a new boyfriend about 8 months in I think.
His son came along to family do on Boxing Day and he got loads of Gifts, even token gifts are better than nothing

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