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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DP did not get DD a Christmas present?

112 replies

YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:19

Been with DP for a little over 18 months. He came to us for Christmas Eve evening and half of Christmas Day then left to travel to see his family. He and DD get on alright although have not formed much of a relationship as owing to my family circumstamces when we started dating, they haven't spent a huge amount of time together. He does, however, know what kind of things she is into. He didn't give her anything at all for Christmas. I'm not materialistic and didn't expect him to give her anything expensive or lots of presents, just a little token to let her know her acknowledges her and make her feel included. I didn't bring it up yesterday as didn't want a row on Christmas. DD has been hard work for me recently and I've offloaded to DP about this, but a lot of it is down to her reaction to some very difficult family circumstances that we've been through. I'm thinking I should mention it to him next time we meet. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:50

@junebirthdaygirl yeah he's not overly chatty with DD but then he's not overly chatty with anyone! He does talk to her. He had also listened to me talking about my recent difficulties with her behaviour and gave his carefully considered rational thoughts about it, offering to have a word with her. And that meant a lot to me as I thought it showed he saw her as part of his life now.

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Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2018 11:50

You have been with him over 18 months. He got you something but nothing for your daughter?? It didn't need to be expensive, it genuinely is the thought that counts in these situations. Sorry, but he is a Fuckwit. Get. Rid...

tablelegs · 26/12/2018 11:52

No gift after 1.5 years and no invite to his families meal?

I would be rethinking the relationship.

Beamur · 26/12/2018 11:53

Mean and thoughtless.
My SC's Mum had a partner for a couple of years who never once got the kids a gift. I thought that was a real indication that he didn't consider he had any kind of relationship with them. (He was also a bit of a twat generally)

Mummylife2018 · 26/12/2018 11:56

My boyfriend of 8 months (he already knew me and had already met my DD before we got together although didn't spend time with her for a while until we became serious) has a fab relationship with my DD3 and has spent this Xmas with us. However he did not get my DD a thing, nor me anything!! 🤷🏼‍♀️ Said he didn't know what to get me and was frightened of me being disappointed, so didn't get me anything.....!!
Sorry to de-rail thread slightly, but any (polite) opinions on whether I should be annoyed or not, are greatly welcome!

Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 11:56

@tornfromtheinside yes this is what crossed my mind...which led to anxiety taking over and me wondering if he's planning on breaking up and that's why he didn't want DD to think he was going to be sticking around. Bit the important thing is for me to sit down with him and explain that a relationship with me means including DD in our life together.

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Ethel36 · 26/12/2018 11:56

It sounds like he is only interested in a relationship with you and is ignoring the fact you have a daughter. He doesn't sound like the right partner for you. You need someone who accepts and welcomes your daughter, to make a healthy family.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 12:01

@Mummylife2018 could give him benefit of the doubt and take him at his word that he was so worried you wouldn't like the gift that he couldn't decide and ran out of time to get one? I find gift giving very anxiety inducing due to worry that the receiver won't like it. I now ask people what they want to try to avoid this!

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DanglyBangly · 26/12/2018 12:02

I think the family dinner thing is equally worrying. Your daughter is an either an inconvenience to him or an excuse to not introduce you to his family.

AlexDrake1981 · 26/12/2018 12:02

That's not on. I definitely think a serious conversation about how/where people fit into his life is in order. Hope you get the result you want.

kaitlinktm · 26/12/2018 12:02

I know she has been very difficult and maybe he is disappointed because you have had to move house etc but a token gift or even a voucher wouldn't have been too much trouble surely. Do you think her behaviour could be the reason he didn't invite her (and you) to the meal? I think you just need to ask him - and as pp have said, just wait for his answer.

Just to be clear, even if he is disappointed, he should still bear in mind that she is a child - your child - and must be your priority. Sadly I fear he is showing what his priorities are.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 12:03

@mummylife2018 although he should have got you gifts anyway and sucked up any potential disappointment!

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Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 12:05

@kaitlinktm We actually couldn't have gone to the meal anyway because I am looking after a friend's animals and can't leave them overnight, but that wasn't his reason for not asking, it was because of my DD

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Mummylife2018 · 26/12/2018 12:06

@YesSheCan True, but surely a bunch of flowers & a box of chocolates would've been better than absolutely nothing?! Especially as I was providing everything for him for the 3 days of Christmas!

I don't want an argument with him over it. It's just upset me. I put a lot of thought into his gifts, and whilst I haven't given to him in order to receive from him, I feel really strange about it. Like I can't let it go.... x

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2018 12:06

Also, to be honest, not what you asked, but I’d expect a 12 year old to have a bit more get up and go in terms of getting her mother a present

He should have got her something.

And at the age of 12, she should be giving you something. I'd say she should be giving him something too but he doesn't sound pleasant so she shouldn't waste her time/effort/money on that front.

Mummylife2018 · 26/12/2018 12:06

Oh and he's also going back to his mums today for a family dinner - to which I haven't been invited!?!

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2018 12:07

It does seem as if he wants to blot your DD out of his emotional framework. He’s there to listen to your feelings about her but that’s very different to acknowledging that, as your partner, he needs to slowly and appropriately build a relationship with your DD.

He didn’t want to invite your DD to his family gathering because he doesn’t feel there’s a connection there. He was happy to give you a gift in front of her and give her nothing. It isn’t good OP.

MistressDeeCee · 26/12/2018 12:08

Mean, thoughtless, not interested in your DD.

During the first year of being with DP he bought small Christmas gifts for my DCs. I can't imagine a man buying a gift for his GF & actively not buying for her DCs.

& your man also doesn't your DD around his family. How unkind. He's telling you to stay home with her anyway so I guess he doesn't want you with them either.

I wouldn't be having a talk with him. You can't and shouldn't have to force him to be interested in your DD. He's not a keeper, love. If you do go ahead and talk to him then be prepared you may not like his answers.

Don't put a man before your child, it's just not worth it and you'll live to regret it, whether by further examples of his unkind thoughtfulness coming to light, or estrangement from your DD who will know him being around matters more than her happiness and family security.

Haworthia · 26/12/2018 12:08

Whoever said “not a keeper” is spot on.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 12:09

@mummylife2018 yes, maybe try telling him that flowers and chocolates would have been fine or even a nice dessert and some drinks as contribution to the Christmas meal...the thought matters more than the gift itself.

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ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 12:11

He’s already excluding your child, deliberately and nastily.

Why are you with him? Why are you letting him make her feel this way?

MissCharleyP · 26/12/2018 12:15

Did he get her anything last year?

Original poster
YesSheCan · 26/12/2018 12:18

No but we'd only been together 6 months and I don't think he'd met her yet...tbh I can't remember exactly whether the first time they met was before or after last Christmas...I had a lot going on with very dysfunctional home circumstances at the time

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llangennith · 26/12/2018 12:24

Maybe he's formed a negative attitude towards your DD as you complain about her to him all the time. I'm amazed you thought it was nice of him to offer to have a word with your DD about her behaviour! They don't have a close relationship so it's none of his business. You're her mother so you do the parenting.
Don't bother to discuss your future with him just dump him and find someone who'll bring joy and fun to your and your DD's lives.

MissCharleyP · 26/12/2018 12:27

Fair enough, just wondered. Maybe he thought he’d be overstepping the mark or genuinely has no idea what a 12 year old would want (he could/should have asked you though). Perhaps he thought she’d be overwhelmed by a meal in a strange place with people she doesn’t know well? My parents and I struggled to know what to get my DBs DSD at first as we didn’t really know her but we asked him for a list. I’m hoping he was just thoughtless and clueless rather than actively excluding your DD.

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