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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my OH hasn't spent Christmas with me.

120 replies

APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:51

I'll try and make thus short and simple.

I'm 22, he's 31, we bought a house in Feb so first Christmas in our home.

He said months ago that he would be going out for Christmas dinner with his dad as he felt bad not being at home (his mum passed away a few years ago so I think he feels like his dad is lonely.. He has two brothers who live at home) and in total 10 of them went out for this Christmas dinner yesterday.

I asked if we could spent Christmas eve together since he isn't staying for Christmas day. He if-ed and butt'ed.

Christmas eve cane, both finished work at 12, both work about 20 minutes from home.
OH didn't get home until 5:30pm, went to visit his dad.
Christmas day I cooked poached eggs, smoked salmon on bagels, change left to go to his dad's.

I thought we was going to see eachother after Christmas dinner, to which he said he was spending tea time at his dad's too.

Today, boxing day, he knows my grandparents always do ham, egg and chips for lunch for all the family. He's just told me he's going to go to his fucking dad's instead.

Yes I feel bad for his dad, but he's not exactly alone. My hole family are with their partners for Christmas except me.

I was ok at first but now I'm absolutely gutted and feel like crying.

But aibu? I know he feels bad for his dad, I do too, but I think he's spent Christmas with him why does once have to go again today and leave me alone again?

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 26/12/2018 10:52

You live together but he didn’t invite you to Christmas with his dad?

That plus the age gap = huge red flag.

BlueJava · 26/12/2018 10:53

Why not try inviting his dad over to you - maybe he genuinely feels he has to look after him (recently bereaved or something?).

lastqueenofscotland · 26/12/2018 10:53

Had he agreed to come your grandparents or was he just aware it was something that happened?

I don’t spentd Xmas with my DP. (no children)

Angrybird345 · 26/12/2018 10:54

Seriously, don’t have kids with him. If he treats you like this now, your future is bleak.

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 10:54

How long have you been together?

I don't get why you didn't go with him to his dad's?

Yanbu for being pissed off, but honestly it's like you aren't a couple. Simply 2 friends who own a house together.

Kisskiss · 26/12/2018 10:55

Were you alone alone, or with your family on Christmas Day? If you were really alone, sitting at home I’d say he should have invited you to spend Christmas with him at his dad’s.

If you were with family then I don’t really see a problem. It’s normal to split at the beginning befire you have kids, or alternate days/year’s where you both go to one side of the family then to the other, together

C0untDucku1a · 26/12/2018 10:55

Why couldnt you go as well? Im assuming you have no family. Didnyou rush thisnrelationship a bit? How long were you together before you moved in?

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/12/2018 10:56

Why on earth weren’t you invited to his Dad’s? He left you on your own essentially over the whole Christmas period to see his Dad?

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2018 10:57

Not quite sure why you couldn't go with him on Christmas day and have dinner out with his family? I'd be very worried about a man who can be that cruel and thoughtless. What's going to happen next year?

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:57

He invited me back in September to go out to the pub for Christmas dinner with his family, but I chose to have dinner with my family instead, so really it's my fault, but I didn't mind his just spending Christmas day apart as long as we spent some time together too, which hasn't happened. I really thought our first Christmas at home would be a little bit more.. intimate? Cosy? Nice? So far I've had to sit around waiting for him.

It's Christmas so u don't want to bring it up and sounds ungrateful or heartless to his dad but he knew we were meant to be going to my grandparents for lunch. 5 years we've been together so he knows the drill, if he has plans that's fine but he's suddenly decides this morning that he's going to his dad's.

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:58

I did say before they booked to go out that of his dad and beorbrra didn't have plans they were more than welcome to come to us, as I love cooking and was really keen to do my first Christmas dinner!

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 26/12/2018 10:59

You’ve been together 5 years? So you met at 17 and 26?

Run.

lastqueenofscotland · 26/12/2018 11:00

So you had been invited but wanted to have dinner with your family and are now moving the goal posts saying he should have come to you
Surely he assumed from what you said you were with your family Confused

C0untDucku1a · 26/12/2018 11:01

Youve been with him since you were 17? Crikey.

You were invited yesterday so you really should not be complaining.

Whats he like usually?

Holidayshopping · 26/12/2018 11:01

He invited me back in September to go out to the pub for Christmas dinner with his family, but I chose to have dinner with my family instead

I would have gone with him to his family, I think. Was he upset you wouldn’t?

Had you actually discussed plans for Boxing Day?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 26/12/2018 11:01

You never had any real agreement over what was happening this year.

The "Ok but i take it you're still coming to my family on Boxing Day?"

You chose to spend both Christmas and Boxing Day with your family, he wanted to spend it with his. I cant really see how he did much different to you.

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2018 11:02

This is the problem with Christmas I'm afraid. people feel obligated to do everything except what they want and it causes stress and arguments, it has always been the same across the decades.
people drive miles to spend the time with people they don't like, drag their new babies out, feel exhausted.
I can't remember one Christmas when we didn't have a family row so the last few I've refused to go anywhere for xmas and spend the day with my cat, I don't need the stress.
Don't let it wreck your relationship, he probably feels guilty about his dad. Just look at it as a few days each year to get through and as long as your relationship is ok for the rest of the year that's all that matters.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:03

Oh god, I've realised reading my posts back I'm just being a bit selfish.

I do have my own family yes, when he decided to go out for dinner I told my mum and she said i was welcome to her for dinner so that's where I went.

I was invited to go to the pub with his family, I have anxiety and social anxiety disorder so the thought of it makes me feel uncomfortable as I don't know his dad's side of the family very well as they aren't often around, we tend to only see them at family party's.

I said it was fine to go to his dad's for dinner, which is was, I didn't mind not spending the late morning/afternoon without him, but the Christmas eve, and today has just kind of made me feel a little bit unappreciated I suppose.

I feel a bit of a brat now reading my posts back though Xmas Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:04

No no no, I was happy for him to have Christmas dinner with his family when he said he was going out with them, but before it was booked I said if his dad and brothers didn't have plans they would come to us, they then booked to go out.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 26/12/2018 11:04

I think he'd rather be at his dad's today but is dressing it up as obligation because he "feels bad". I don't really think it's fair to skip seeing your family today.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:05

@holidayshopping
No he was very reasonable as he knows I have raging anxiety and probably would have been feeling very out of place.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 26/12/2018 11:08

"I chose to have dinner with my family instead, so really it's my fault, but I didn't mind his just spending Christmas day apart as long as we spent some time together too,"

Okay well that's very different to him sodding off to his dad's and leaving you alone. You both chose to spend Xmas with your families, which is fair enough. And he's choosing to spend today with his family too while you want to spend it with yours. TBH the biggest worry here for me is buying a house with him when you're so young (and he's not) and he's presumably your first proper relationship. Maybe that's why you're setting more store in the first Xmas in our home romantic side of things whereas he puts himself first a bit more?

Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:09

Has it never crossed your mind at any point to join him with his family over Christmas for any period of time?

Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:12

Sorry, cross post. But social anxiety or not, you could go to his family at some point, when the people you know less are not around.

Regardless, you should make an effort to get to know his side of the family, even if one at a time so that you get more comfortable with them.
You can't keep using your social anxiety as as excuse to keep away from his family events. Seek help if you must. Make an effort to know them better.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:13

He hasn't asked me to go to anything but Christmas dinner out with his family. Had he asked I would consider.
I go to slot of family party's and events with him and his family, he almost never comes to anything with my family. It a getting a little embarrassing to keep telling my grandparents why he isn't here. They bought his some gifts for Christmas and ill now have to say thank you for him as he won't be there to say it himself and I don't see them that often.

It's the first Christmas, I didn't really know what to expect but I supposed I expected a little too much. Blush

OP posts:
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