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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my OH hasn't spent Christmas with me.

120 replies

APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:51

I'll try and make thus short and simple.

I'm 22, he's 31, we bought a house in Feb so first Christmas in our home.

He said months ago that he would be going out for Christmas dinner with his dad as he felt bad not being at home (his mum passed away a few years ago so I think he feels like his dad is lonely.. He has two brothers who live at home) and in total 10 of them went out for this Christmas dinner yesterday.

I asked if we could spent Christmas eve together since he isn't staying for Christmas day. He if-ed and butt'ed.

Christmas eve cane, both finished work at 12, both work about 20 minutes from home.
OH didn't get home until 5:30pm, went to visit his dad.
Christmas day I cooked poached eggs, smoked salmon on bagels, change left to go to his dad's.

I thought we was going to see eachother after Christmas dinner, to which he said he was spending tea time at his dad's too.

Today, boxing day, he knows my grandparents always do ham, egg and chips for lunch for all the family. He's just told me he's going to go to his fucking dad's instead.

Yes I feel bad for his dad, but he's not exactly alone. My hole family are with their partners for Christmas except me.

I was ok at first but now I'm absolutely gutted and feel like crying.

But aibu? I know he feels bad for his dad, I do too, but I think he's spent Christmas with him why does once have to go again today and leave me alone again?

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2018 11:13

Your first post is misleading.

You had dinner with your family, him with his. Boxing day you're doing the same again.

A compromise would have been for you both to go to one family one day, and the other family the next.

RedSkyLastNight · 26/12/2018 11:14

It sounds like you would have been better to have had a proper discussion and come to some arrangement like

  • you both go to his family meal on Christmas Day and your grandparents for Christmas Day

OR

  • you both go to your mum's on Christmas Day and see his family on boxing day

OR you invite people to your house

I'm surprised you've been together for so long; you're behaving like non-serious boyfriend and girlfriend.

You can't use anxiety as a get out clause for not going with him to see his family and then complain that he's gone to see his family without him ...

ShitBag · 26/12/2018 11:15

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis why should she run? I've been with my OH since 17 with a similar age gap.. now been together 15 years with 2 lovely kids.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:16

@Lweji
I go to slot of family events with him, or pop to his dad's house on weekends, pop to his grand and take our dog up as they enjoy seeing our puppy.

I just don't like sit down eating with people I'm not familiar with. I'm more than happy to see them and i don't necessarily avoid it at all costs.
I'm having CBT for my anxiety.

It's just, he never seems to make the same effort for my family, regardless of Christmas, this has just topped it off. But the little events like invited over for a games night with drinks, or invited around for take away. He always finds an excuse.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:17

I see. Your initial posts gave the impression you are more centered around your family.

So, you will have to talk to him about this and if necessary make a list and point out the disparity between you and him attending each other's family events.
Agree to a fairly even distribution, including at Christmas, so that he commits to go at least once to your family, and you go at least once to his.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:19

This is being made more about the family than us as a couple.

I wanted him to want to spend time with me. He saw his family on Christmas, great, I saw mine, i asked him directly about spending boxing day with me, he had no real answer (because he was sat on the PlayStation with his headphones on) and then this morning when asked again he said he's going to his dad's.

OP posts:
Kemer2018 · 26/12/2018 11:21

Have you met his Dad in person?

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 11:22

The more you post the more it sounds like a shit relationship. You first post was misleading.

But he doesn't commit to anything so he can get out of it.

He has been with you since you were 17?

This relationship is just so off.

TheBigBangRocks · 26/12/2018 11:22

So you were invited but said no and you only want to visit your own family? He's not the one in the wrong here.

I'd not be having children until you have resolved your anxiety issues or they will be restricted in where they can go and with whom.

Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:24

i asked him directly about spending boxing day with me, he had no real answer (because he was sat on the PlayStation with his headphones on) and then this morning when asked again he said he's going to his dad's.

At least one communication problem right there.
Don't ask him when on his PS. And certainly don't complain about it afterwards. Talk to him when he can pay you attention: at dinner, when you go to bed, when you wake up, whatever.
Don't ask him what he's going to do. Make it an inclusive conversation and tell him what you want to.
Be direct about wanting to spend time with him and about spending time with each other's family.
Ask him how he suggests to divide the time up, offer your contribution and try to arrange a compromise if you have different expectations. Allow some wriggle room.

Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:25

Now, if he refuses to discuss time and family arrangements and avoids spending quality time with you, then you have a OH problem.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:27

Aw, I was really hoping I wasn't being unreasonable.

Thank you to everyone for your advice and sorry to those who have judges by age with unhelpful commentary.

Off to enjoy ham egg and chips! Cake

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:28

Judged*

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 11:29

If she is irrelevant why did you include it?

There's ckearlybissues in your relationship. To those with a bit more experience. They can recognise that the age is relevant.

Bellendejour · 26/12/2018 11:31

What did you actually discuss/plan/agree to beforehand?
Did you say:
24th we spend together
25th see our parents separately
26th see my parents

If that’s what he agreed then he is unreasonable - but you said he iffed and butted about Christmas Eve. Could you not have had it out with him then? You need to get better at communicating, saying if things feel unfair etc. Sounds like 25th was fair and then Boxing Day, if he agreed to come to your parents then bailed, he is being unfair.

I would also have split it so we did one day each with his/your family to keep it more equal. I like my DP’s dad and siblings but his mum can be difficult/negs me but I force myself to go over for my DP and because it’s important for me to try to have a good relationship with his fam.

I love my DP but sometimes he books too much stuff in (I’m nearly 7 months pregnant and not at my most sociable) so i will say I can’t do all this in a row with other people, we need some us time (eg we have plans with his fam on the 27th then he booked a dinner with his friends on the 28th and I was like let’s reschedule friends and just chill together on the 28th).

It does sound like he’s quite selfish and self centred when it comes to your family. I would have a chat with him about this and make some plans. It’s part of being in a committed relationship (unless they are horrible to you!)

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:34

Because my post is about Christmas and spending time together, maybe being younger my idea of how Christmas should be spent is different.

I didnt post for comments like 'run' when referring to our age gap with no real advice on what I actually came here for. Could have at least killed two bird with one stone.

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:38

Talking to him is really difficult, I know I'll get a backlash for this now but, he can get really really defensive when I try to talk to him about something, he instantly gets offended and turns it into an argument.

I know that unhealthy in a relationship but I think that's just who he is, he free up quite spoiled and what he wants he gets sort of things so I don't think he likes to be questioned.

OP posts:
ISdads · 26/12/2018 11:40

Just keep your own interests, financial and emotional, forefront. One day you might decide you have outgrown him - or he might look elsewhere - do you have a right to half the assets of the house, for example? It's hard not to comment on the age gap/your age at start of relationship in particular. The relationship itself sounds quite uncommitted, so just look after yourself.

Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:40

He doesn't need to be questioned as such.

If you sit with him at the table during a meal and say "let's sort out Christmas", does he react defensively or evasively?

Or do you wait until he's already told you what's happening and then you complain, or immediately complain that he didn't pay you attention when he was playing PS?

Juells · 26/12/2018 11:40

I suspect that as soon as the OP starts being clearer about what's unfair, and saying what she expects, and tying him down to definite arrangements, the relationship will peter out.

The age difference would not be too much if you'd met at 40 and 30, but at 17 people really are too young to make life-long choices. Your social anxiety mightn't be so bad -or be non-existent - if you were socialising with people of your own age.

You should really start going out and about with people your own age so you're not so dependent on both of your families for company. Christ on a bike, I'd have gone spare at that age if I had to socialise with parents and grandparents. You're young, you don't have children, forget about the fucking social anxiety and start having fun with young people.

JKCR2017 · 26/12/2018 11:43

Why couldn’t you visit his dad with him? And then your grandparents today?

I understand your frustration though. Me and the OH have been together 6 years. No issues now but the first 2-3 years he insisted on spending Christmas with his Mum. I would spend half of Christmas alone as DS would wake up with me and then go to his dads for a few hours. I don’t go to my families until tea time and I just sat there alone for about 3-4 hour - sucked. His mum wasnt lonely or anything either.

All changed now. Always have Christmas together now though. We’ve both learnt it doesn’t matter where we have Christmas as long as we are together. Yesterday it was just us and DC all day, lovely! The last couple years we’ve fitted in visiting both families. It meant no one got upset but very tiring driving around etc.

Can you invite his dad around to you next year?

I can’t believe a few people have commented on the age gap. 9 years isn’t all that bad! 13 years between myself and Oh. Got together when I was 20 and he was 33...

ISdads · 26/12/2018 11:43

Yes, it is no surprise to hear you use words like 'backlash'. You also described yourself as a 'brat' earlier Sad. Take care of yourself and speak to family/friends so you have confidants.

Evilspiritgin · 26/12/2018 11:45

If this is your first Christmas together in your own home did you both spend the previous years with your own families? If so I can understand if he and his brothers have spent time since mum died with their dad I can see how hard it is to break the tradition

Lweji · 26/12/2018 11:46

It's hard to have a good idea with the information presented.

He could be a bastard that you should leave or there could be issues involving both of you that could be sorted.

In any case, I would agree that, regardless, don't have a baby with him any time soon.
And either way, this is a good point to evaluate the relationship and either sort the major issues between you two or evaluate him as a partner. Don't invest too much with him that you feel you need to go on or have run out of options and have to stick with him.

Iflyaway · 26/12/2018 11:47

I didnt post for comments like 'run' when referring to our age gap with no real advice on what I actually came here for.

Welcome to Mumsnet.

The reason posters are saying "Run" cos if you don't you will have a lifetime of this. Your choice.