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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my OH hasn't spent Christmas with me.

120 replies

APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:51

I'll try and make thus short and simple.

I'm 22, he's 31, we bought a house in Feb so first Christmas in our home.

He said months ago that he would be going out for Christmas dinner with his dad as he felt bad not being at home (his mum passed away a few years ago so I think he feels like his dad is lonely.. He has two brothers who live at home) and in total 10 of them went out for this Christmas dinner yesterday.

I asked if we could spent Christmas eve together since he isn't staying for Christmas day. He if-ed and butt'ed.

Christmas eve cane, both finished work at 12, both work about 20 minutes from home.
OH didn't get home until 5:30pm, went to visit his dad.
Christmas day I cooked poached eggs, smoked salmon on bagels, change left to go to his dad's.

I thought we was going to see eachother after Christmas dinner, to which he said he was spending tea time at his dad's too.

Today, boxing day, he knows my grandparents always do ham, egg and chips for lunch for all the family. He's just told me he's going to go to his fucking dad's instead.

Yes I feel bad for his dad, but he's not exactly alone. My hole family are with their partners for Christmas except me.

I was ok at first but now I'm absolutely gutted and feel like crying.

But aibu? I know he feels bad for his dad, I do too, but I think he's spent Christmas with him why does once have to go again today and leave me alone again?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 26/12/2018 13:26

Weird guy, I wouldn’t be staying with a man like this either.

LoubyLou1234 · 26/12/2018 13:51

We've been together ages living together 2 years ( no kids) . We both separate for Christmas dinner as neither want to give up their family get together for various reasons

We have a lot of time together, Christmas Eve with my family and the night alone together, Christmas morning and Christmas Day night. We've had all day today and are going to his family for tea. It works for us.

However it does feel like he doesn't really want to spend much time with your or your family and would rather be with his the whole time without you? Do you get on with his family? Vice versa?

ToeToToe · 26/12/2018 13:53

Sounds like he likes a girlfriend around, but is not considering you an equal in the relationship. He doesn't want to put himself out to do something that makes you happy. He just wants you to agreeably go along with his plans, and not make any demands of him, watching the films he wants to watch, not putting him out in any way - otherwise he'll go and sulk in the shower.

In an equal partnership, you should feel quite happy saying "I'd like to come with you today" rather than just waiting for an invite. You are a couple - you've been together for 5 years - you should be planning Christmases together, taking each other's wishes and families into account (that doesn't necessarily mean you have to do everything together - but you should be making the plans together iyswim - rather than him just going off and doing his own thing).

Lots of women I know settle for this type of man. It's not v unusual at all, IME. Some will have massive rows with their OHs about this stuff, but the partner's behaviour never changes in the longrun.

You know what sort of life you will be choosing if you have children with this man. You will probably be the one doing the lion's share of the childcare, and he will carry on doing what he wants. He will probably act like super-dad in front of other people - that's very common indeed - but you'll be the one taking all the responsibility behind the scenes.

HollowTalk · 26/12/2018 13:59

@shitbag

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis why should she run? I've been with my OH since 17 with a similar age gap.. now been together 15 years with 2 lovely kids.

But you are you and she is she! Did you and your OH live like single people, even when you'd bought a house together?

Bellendejour · 26/12/2018 14:01

It doesn’t sound like this relationship is very balanced or fun Sad
I must say I would struggle with anyone whose PlayStation is a priority.
What do you get out of being with this guy?

pinkdelight · 26/12/2018 14:54

People can say the age difference is irrelevant but at the very least, it shows he's not likely to grow up much more. At least if he was 22, you'd have some hope he'd mature out of the sulky gaming self-centredness, but with him into his 30s already, it tells you this is who he is. And that might have been okay for the teenager who fell in love with him, but it does not bode well for an adult partnership, sorry. You get what you settle for and at your age there is no reason on earth to settle for this.

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 15:26

He is playing power games.

He wants to be the one calling the shots. Which is why he would prefer a relationship with someone younger. More easy to influence.

OP as you get more opinions, because you will have experienced more you will see these things with him escalate.

hammeringinmyhead · 26/12/2018 15:42

He can't be arsed with your family. He doesn't see them as a necessary part of his life, whereas I see my in-laws as my family too. Particularly now we are linked by blood through my son. This is a big, BIG problem.

Puggles123 · 26/12/2018 15:56

Is he definitely going to his dads and not to see a friend or something? Have you met his dad before?

KatieFinnegan · 26/12/2018 16:00

I don't think this is about age either, every couple has their own traditions and as long as you communicate with one another, everyone can be happy.

I'm with DP for 6 years and living together for 4 - we're both quite happy to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, he pops in to my parents and then goes home to his parents for Christmas Eve(ning) and Day. Then I go out to his parents for the night on the 26th or 27th.

It works because we've talked about it and are both happy with the compromise. I get to see him every other day of the year within reason, so I think we're both happy to spend time with our families once a year.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain that it's a two way street and you have to compromise for things to work.

Alicatz66 · 26/12/2018 16:13

I agree with @IAmAlwaysLikeThis ... Run for the hills ... don't look back .. I'm not being judgemental in any way .. but if you got with him when you were 17 and he was 26 please leave ... 6 months down the line you will feel free and way happier love ThanksThanks

UserMe18 · 26/12/2018 16:23

It's pretty odd that after that many years together and owning a house you are still doing separate christmases, you are each prioritising your own families over each other which I think is strange. Perhaps come up with a plan in advance next year so you know who is going where when and then there won't be resentment, and I'd make sure it's done fairly between each family.

ShitBag · 26/12/2018 17:16

@HollowTalk I agree, but @IAmAlwaysLikeThis was making her point purely on the age difference.

I dunno how the thread has progressed, haven't read it all but I was just pointing out that you don't have to 'run' just because some people frown upon the age difference.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 26/12/2018 17:18

shit oh I was not. Read my other comments.

Cornishclio · 26/12/2018 17:25

Sounds like neither of you have embraced the others family. That makes occasions like Xmas difficult. What will happen if you have kids? Maybe next year you should both make more effort to get to know each other's families. His dad would not be alone as he has brothers living at home so it sounds like he likes the all boys together sort of set up rather than worrying about his dad being alone. He should say thank you to your GPS himself. That is just rude. Not sure he sounds like father material so think hard before starting a family with him. He sounds v inflexible and not at all committed to you. Similarly though you should have accepted the xmas invite or his will you get to know them better?

pollypocket85 · 26/12/2018 17:39

@APositiveMind

I suffer from social anxiety regarding eating so I understand where you're coming from. I've done CBT but it doesn't work for me so I just accept it as who I am. However it has taken me a long time to get to that point - I'm 33 and was deeply embarrassed of it at 23. However I have also lost a parent so I completely understand why your OH wants to be with his dad. I lost my dad 13 years ago and the need to spend Christmas Day with my mum hasn't diminished. My OH alternates between his family and mine each year. Are you able to do this? Xx

MyNameIsArthur · 28/12/2018 16:26

Hi OP how are things now?

Original poster
APositiveMind · 30/12/2018 09:55

Hi @MyNameIsAurthur.

All good, for now. We had a long conversation about how much time he's spending on his PlayStation which I think has made him much more irritable and grumpy. Suggested he tries to have a few nights off it in the week or cut just try and cut it down. He didn't like the idea and said i was trying to control him and he doesn't like being told what to do. Then after a 5 minute tantrum he agreed he's on it a lot more and will try to be more mindful.

Genuinely think the PlayStation us the route of his problems. Don't they say you can literally get addicted to it?! Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 30/12/2018 09:56

@MyNameIsArthur.

Would have helped to have aoelles your UN correctly.

OP posts:
MyNameIsArthur · 30/12/2018 15:55

Hi @APositiveMind

I guess it's just my opinion but I think at 31, he is a bit old to be spending much of his time playing on his PlayStation game. He sounds very immature in many ways. I guess we all have our hobbies and interests but if they are at the expense of our relationships then they are a problem. He sounds like hard work and if you were thinking of having a child with him, you may wish to delay it for a year or so until you figure out if he is right for you. Let us know how things go for you

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