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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my OH hasn't spent Christmas with me.

120 replies

APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:51

I'll try and make thus short and simple.

I'm 22, he's 31, we bought a house in Feb so first Christmas in our home.

He said months ago that he would be going out for Christmas dinner with his dad as he felt bad not being at home (his mum passed away a few years ago so I think he feels like his dad is lonely.. He has two brothers who live at home) and in total 10 of them went out for this Christmas dinner yesterday.

I asked if we could spent Christmas eve together since he isn't staying for Christmas day. He if-ed and butt'ed.

Christmas eve cane, both finished work at 12, both work about 20 minutes from home.
OH didn't get home until 5:30pm, went to visit his dad.
Christmas day I cooked poached eggs, smoked salmon on bagels, change left to go to his dad's.

I thought we was going to see eachother after Christmas dinner, to which he said he was spending tea time at his dad's too.

Today, boxing day, he knows my grandparents always do ham, egg and chips for lunch for all the family. He's just told me he's going to go to his fucking dad's instead.

Yes I feel bad for his dad, but he's not exactly alone. My hole family are with their partners for Christmas except me.

I was ok at first but now I'm absolutely gutted and feel like crying.

But aibu? I know he feels bad for his dad, I do too, but I think he's spent Christmas with him why does once have to go again today and leave me alone again?

OP posts:
FlippinNora1 · 26/12/2018 12:38

But he was just an immature controlling prick and women his own age could see straight through him

This is so very very true of quite a few female friends who had older boyfriends in their late teens early 20s.

On the surface they thought they were the bees knees, all sophisticated and grown up.

The reality was much more mundane. Lots of unable to make plans, not able to pin them down for anything, lots of them prioritzing gaming, nights out with mates. Not being introduced to family and friends. And being kept on tenterhooks just in case they were free. Very controlling.

Plus lots of mothering expected - cooking, cleaning, shopping.

Thankfully all these relationships ended some time in their mid 20s. 2 of them still are annoyed they wasted so much time with these prats.

I hope it works out okay for you OP x

Heifer · 26/12/2018 12:39

So he completely ignored your feeling and is doing exactly want he wants to do anyway..
I think the main reason a lot of people have mentioned your age is that at 17-22 it's easy to accept how you're being treated - as you get older you realise you don't have to put up with that shite and that you deserve much more. I hope you realise that soon and move on (ideally before you get married or start a family with this man).

ScabbyHorse · 26/12/2018 12:40

I get why you're hurt but think you need to tell him what your expectations are around christmas.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:41

@flippinnora1
He doesn't need mothering all that much, I do all of the cooking but he does the best part of the cleaning, he does all the washing and taking bins out ect. I tend to do the decluttering, polishing and we split the hoovering to whoever can be arsed that day.
He does throw terrible tantrums, he really is a child, I found this out a cou9ke of years ago. He only cares for his PlayStation, his car and our dog.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 26/12/2018 12:43

He said that it's not fair on him to see my family and not see him own, when I said I would be happy to go from my grans this morning over to his family's at the time they agreed he just babbled on about not seeing his dad,
But op, ignoring all the age gap Issue which you say is fine, this could be read as, now you want him to come with you to see your family at your nans which is clearly a big thing to you and to get him to come you will now go see his after, but yesterday when it was his big family meal you didn’t want to.
So it could look like you are only making the effort now to get to come with you, but unfortunatly it’s too little too late for him

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 12:43

I wanted him to want to spend time with me.

And he didn't want to

He wanted to spend time with his family - with you too. But you chose not to be with him and his family

Hmm
pinkdelight · 26/12/2018 12:44

"I said I felt like he was just completely avoiding spending time with me or my family as when asked what time he was meant to leave I pointed our he had plenty of time to come for lunch, which he said he would ring his dad to find out if he could go there earlier. To deliberately avoid coming. I said I was just and he just huffed and puffed and went back downstairs."

There you go then. Your feelings don't matter. This is the reality of your first Christmas in your own home. I guess the question is whether you want it to be the last or whether he has the capacity to change? it doesn't sound like it.

Also I think Notaclue had a point and it really wasn't about alcohol, although the fact that you did the fake ID thing and were partied out by 18 does feed into why you've perhaps rushed the next phase too. Nothing wrong with settling down at your age if against all odds you happen to have met your soul mate and partner for life at that point, but the reality suggests your DP ain't that guy and it's worth taking time out for yourself as much as to shop around and get some wider experience of the world and relationships. It sure ain't worth settling for this shit at your age.

ISdads · 26/12/2018 12:45

What does 'throwing a tantrum' look like?

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:46

@cranky17
I was always happy to go and see his family today, had I been asked. Itvq9uod only be his grandparents, dad and brothers, who I get along qith very well. But yesterday was a whole different ballgame of loud, bantering cousins and uncle's and people I've only met once or twice. That to me is terrifying to sit around a table elbow to elbow with them.

OP posts:
Alarae · 26/12/2018 12:47

On an alternative note, I would like to point out that not all age gap relationships are doomed to fail. Yes, the statistics aren't fantastic, but there will be some that work.

OP, I met my OH at 18, when he was 27. We have been married the past two years, have a house (sold first, now on to second) and currently 26 and 35. I am happy, as is he.

Back to the scenerio though, I am really confused why the two of you have not discussed about where you would be over Christmas. We always make plans on where we are going however we will always spend time together.

We will always endeavour to spend time with each others families as a couple, as you are a unit. Especially five years in you should be 'part of the family' so to speak.

Why couldn't you have suggested to him that you spend time together with his dad on christmas day evening, then he spends boxing day lunch with your grandparents? Five years down the line you should be discussing plans with both sides of the family, as you shouldn't need an invitation.

While I don't think there is an age gap issue, I feel that you both have set up a 'his family' and 'my family' situation. Also his inattentive nature isn't attractive.

The traits you have described leave a lot to be desired imo. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you, and show you off to his family.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:49

@ISdads.
If he has to do something he doesn't want to, he will make it the hardest job possible, complain about it the entire way through.

When we positions, if I don't like any of his options and ask to choose something we both like he will put down the remote, tell me to chose, roll over and go to sleep.

If we have a disagreement he will often go sit in the shower for a couple of hours to let me know he's upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:51

When we sit down to choose a film to watch* i have no idea where positions came from. I have a new phone, no longer an apple user so takes getting used to!

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 26/12/2018 12:53

I don't agree that this is necessarily about age, but it's about difference of some sort. For whatever reason he doesn't see you as an equal in this relationship, it's almost as though you're his pet but he doesn't want any of the other stuff you come with - ie a family of your own that, shock horror, you might want to see sometimes, with him, as a couple.

The difference I referred to might be age, but equally it might be earnings (if he earns more than you so thinks he can do what he wants) or it might just be personality. Can he be selfish in other areas of your lives?

The fact that, despite your anxiety, you're prepared to make an effort with his family, but he won't do the same for you, is something that would bother me enormously. He sounds as though your life has to be on his terms, and I couldn't see a future in a relationship like that.

YouCouldBeMe · 26/12/2018 12:55

It's good that you recognise you have anxiety and are getting treatment. But he's selfish & hides in showers, that would be a deal-breaker for me as he's not trying to get help for his issues.

People aren't meaning to be judgemental about age. I don't meant to be condescending but if you met at 17 you were very young. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Unfortunately you don't have a healthy adult relationship to compare it to. If you did you may be better at setting standards for hoe people treat you.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:57

@mortyvicar.
I am a dental nurse and he is a mechanic.
I earn roughly 18500k he's on around 23k. Both not including bonuses. I'm not sure of that counts as a huge difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:57

I never considered differences financially.

OP posts:
SpikyHedgehogg · 26/12/2018 12:59

Does he ever want to spend (quality) time with you?

MortyVicar · 26/12/2018 13:01

Financials was just one possibility. Consider my other suggestion - that it's who he is. And whether you can live like this for the foreseeable future.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 13:02

@spikeyhedgehogg.
Yes, this is where I am confused, he very often invites me places, we arrange to do things together. He even invites me out qith his friends, I don't usually go because I don't want to intrude on his friends, but we also have mutual friends who I will go out with to watch them at motocross and other events. He never makes me feel left out. It a just this Christmas dawned on me that it is onky my family he doesn't want to see. My family and my friends, but his family and his friends he invites me to all the time.

OP posts:
FlippinNora1 · 26/12/2018 13:02

Some of his behaviour is depressing and very manipulative. He is 31 not 13, his sitting in the shower for hours to show how upset he is is crazy! It’s a bit like a toddler holding his breath until he gets his own way.

I’m not shrieking LTB but do you honestly want to put up with this for the rest of your life? He is 31, he is not likely to drastically change. So it’s whether or not you are willing to put up with it (I’m really really hoping you soon realise you deserve better xx)

PolkaDoting · 26/12/2018 13:10

He only cares for his PlayStation, his car and our dog

I notice you don’t include yourself on that list.

MyNameIsArthur · 26/12/2018 13:10

He seems more concerned about ensuring he has time with his dad but is not troubled that he is not spending time with you

Seaweed42 · 26/12/2018 13:10

"If we have a disagreement he will often go sit in the shower for a couple of hours to let me know he's upset."
Nice.
He probably wants to go to the pub today. Is that what's happening?

CaMePlaitPas · 26/12/2018 13:18

OP, please don't dismiss what a lot of these posters are saying. You sound like housemates, not a couple.

MyNameIsArthur · 26/12/2018 13:19

If we have a disagreement he will often go sit in the shower for a couple of hours to let me know he's upset.

This is very abnormal behaviour. Very controlling too. I dont think even a child would do this. Some of the other behaviour youve described sounds controlling too