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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my OH hasn't spent Christmas with me.

120 replies

APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 10:51

I'll try and make thus short and simple.

I'm 22, he's 31, we bought a house in Feb so first Christmas in our home.

He said months ago that he would be going out for Christmas dinner with his dad as he felt bad not being at home (his mum passed away a few years ago so I think he feels like his dad is lonely.. He has two brothers who live at home) and in total 10 of them went out for this Christmas dinner yesterday.

I asked if we could spent Christmas eve together since he isn't staying for Christmas day. He if-ed and butt'ed.

Christmas eve cane, both finished work at 12, both work about 20 minutes from home.
OH didn't get home until 5:30pm, went to visit his dad.
Christmas day I cooked poached eggs, smoked salmon on bagels, change left to go to his dad's.

I thought we was going to see eachother after Christmas dinner, to which he said he was spending tea time at his dad's too.

Today, boxing day, he knows my grandparents always do ham, egg and chips for lunch for all the family. He's just told me he's going to go to his fucking dad's instead.

Yes I feel bad for his dad, but he's not exactly alone. My hole family are with their partners for Christmas except me.

I was ok at first but now I'm absolutely gutted and feel like crying.

But aibu? I know he feels bad for his dad, I do too, but I think he's spent Christmas with him why does once have to go again today and leave me alone again?

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:49

I have plenty of friends my own age who I see very often? At what point did I say I had no friends my own age and can only socialise with my parents and grandparents? It's Christmas, I adore my family. I love seeing them at Christmas, I love seeing them any time... that doesn't mwna I don't have friend my own age.. haha.

Forget about the social anxiety is that a serious statement? This is why people are campaigning for more mental health awareness. It a not a case of forgetting I have it. Doctors wouldn't hand out anti depressants for things like this if it was more a case of "oh forget about your deprssion/anxiety/bipolar today just go our have fun live a normal life"

Some people are just small minded pigs.. @juells. But thanks for the input, have a Happy new year. Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 11:52

In happy to be told i ABU in this case. But I an a little pissed off to have my mental health questioned.

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 26/12/2018 11:53

It sounds like you both need to start communicating. To refuse to go to anything with his family is unfair, and you won't get to know them or feel comfortable around them unless you make the effort at some point.

You've instead chosen to do what you want all over Christmas, could that be why he's chosen to spend it away from you?

CraftyYankee · 26/12/2018 11:54

Sounds like he has you trained exactly as he wants you.

You take care of most of the domestic work too, right?

Cranky17 · 26/12/2018 11:54

I think YABU, but maybe there’s more to it.
But you want him to go to your nans but you haven’t gone to his families at all . You could have gone to see his dad with him on Christmas Day and then seem our family today. But you chose to see your mum instead and he’s choosing to see his dad not sure why he should make the effort but you haven’t.

MyNameIsArthur · 26/12/2018 11:54

Sounds like family is important to both of you OP but if you keep each other's families in separate boxes, it will make for a difficult relationship. He needs to make an effort with your family and you need to make an effort with his family. Perhaps as you declined to go out to dinner with his family on Xmas day and to spend it with yours instead, he decided not to spend Boxing day with yours. Spend next year trying to get to know each other's families more which will help with your anxiety too. Then leading up to next Xmas, discuss about spending time with each family but also about you both having time alone together. I think he should have spent Xmas eve with you though, at least. I don't think the age gap is an issue by the way. Enjoy your time with your family today x

Juells · 26/12/2018 11:55

At 22 I'd have been bored to tears with your middle-aged life-style, I'd have wanting to be out skiting around with my friends, sleeping off late night parties. Everyone is different, but most people see the years between 16 and 24 as the years when you can enjoy not having responsibilities. Instead of looking at what he didn't do this Christmas to suit you, how about looking at your life as a whole and see if it's what you really want? You're very dependent on someone much older than you are for company.

TSSDNCOP · 26/12/2018 11:59

I think what he's done here, and I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear, is that actually he doesn't want to spend time with you as a couple in the same positive world-picture you envisaged. His interests lie elsewhere, and that's where he's headed.

pinkdelight · 26/12/2018 12:01

Talking to him being 'really difficult' is a HUGE problem. That's a pretty fundamental need for a decent relationship and I'll bet the pps who said they had the same age gap and were happily married etc weren't already having issues like that at this stage. No problem with an age gap per se but there is when it plays into power differentials with the older guy getting angry when questioned/turning a conversation into an argument or ignoring her for his gaming and the younger women having anxiety. Lots of warning bells here. Be careful, OP. Don't lose yourself in this relationship. A good relationship goes beyond some romantic image of having Christmas together in your new home. It's being equal partners who respect and talk and listen to each other every day, good or bad.

Neverunderfed · 26/12/2018 12:01

And this is the chap you are trying to have a baby with? I wouldn't.

Juells · 26/12/2018 12:01

This small-minded pig is off to enjoy herself elsewhere Grin

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 26/12/2018 12:03

MN is full of old women with experience. It’s easy when you’re 22 to say age is just a number. It’s not though. Especially not when taken in combination with everything else you’ve said.

I think you know it’s off and that’s why you’re getting defensive about it. If you really thought it was irrelevant, you’d just ignore those who brought it up. And you wouldn’t bring it up yourself.

I’ve been there. I thought I was so mature and special for having an older bf. But he was just an immature controlling prick and women his own age could see straight through him.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:14

@juells
Tgia is the person I've spent 5 years of my life with. I'm not dependant on him for company. I want to see him around Christmas, I want to have a night in watching Christmas films and stuffing our faces. I don't need to see him. There's a big difference between being dependant on him and wanting to spend time with him.

I spent a lot of my younger teenage years going out on a fake ID getting absolutely bladdered with my friends, byvtge time u turned 18 I no longer felt the urge to have to get shit faced drunk anymore.

So he came upstairs,
I've asked him directly watt time he's going to his nans, he said later this evening, so I said do you want to come to my grabs for lunch qith me then we'll go to your grans

He said no ill just ring my dad and see if he's at home now.

I tried.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2018 12:18

He said no ill just ring my dad and see if he's at home now.

I tried.

Does he know how you feel? Are you going to tell him?

ScabbyHorse · 26/12/2018 12:20

But you keep asking him, rather than explaining what you want. It's about expectations and assertiveness. I feel for you, you should be able to say what you want to him and then for both to reach a compromise if necessary. Hi

ScabbyHorse · 26/12/2018 12:21

Don't know what the hi bit was.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:22

@butchyrestingface.
Yes because i failed to keep a stiff kip. When he asked why I was upset I said I've not really seen him over Christmas so far so tried to make it even for both of us and he's point blank refused and clearly avoiding it going as far as having to see if his dad's at home to make an early appearance and not one with me, even when I said I would go with him after to his family's.

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 12:25

Going out and getting shit faced before 18 doesn't mean you have lived or are as mature as someone older.

The fact that you think that's all there is to it, speaks volumes.

You don't think the age difference matters. I would bet money in 10 years you realise it does.

Heifer · 26/12/2018 12:26

You had the perfect opportunity to tell him that you would like him to come to your grans with you then you will both go to his grans.. It shouldn't have been a question if he wanted to. Even after he had said no he is going to his Dads, you needed to tell him how you felt. You can't have a relationship expecting him to know. It didn't have to be a row but you need to tell him that you're sad and wanted to spend time together. He shouldn't need telling, as in a "normal" loving relationship he should want the same.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:27

Thats not what I was saying, just saying I got bored and no longer want to suffer hangovers every single weekend. I work a full time job and feel a hangover on a Sunday is a waste of a day!

OP posts:
Heifer · 26/12/2018 12:28

I hadn't seen you latest post before I wrote mine.. What was his reply?

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2018 12:31

Yes because i failed to keep a stiff kip. When he asked why I was upset I said I've not really seen him over Christmas so far so tried to make it even for both of us and he's point blank refused and clearly avoiding it going as far as having to see if his dad's at home to make an early appearance and not one with me, even when I said I would go with him after to his family's.

How did he respond?

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:33

That he only manages to see his dad for 2 hours yesterday while they was out having their Christmas dinner, so he felt like he hadn't spent any time with him. He went back after the pub dinner to his dad's house to exchange gifts qith his half sister and her children so he spent plenty of time with his dad.

He said that it's not fair on him to see my family and not see him own, when I said I would be happy to go from my grans this morning over to his family's at the time they agreed he just babbled on about not seeing his dad, I said I felt like he was just completely avoiding spending time with me or my family as when asked what time he was meant to leave I pointed our he had plenty of time to come for lunch, which he said he would ring his dad to find out if he could go there earlier. To deliberately avoid coming. I said I was just and he just huffed and puffed and went back downstairs.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2018 12:34

All you have to do when you go out with his family, or any bunch of people you don't know, is eat your food and smile. You don't have to entertain them or try to make an impression . Go with him to his dad's if the invitation in is still open.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 26/12/2018 12:34

I said i was hurt* before he went back downstairs

OP posts: