To think if my DM wants us at hers for Christmas so badly, she ought to be a bit more prepared?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH and I are spending Christmas at my DMs. It’s just the three of us. From the beginning it’s been a nightmare.

Yesterday she didn’t have any Christmas food in and said she couldn’t go shopping on her own as it would be too busy (it hadn’t occurred to her to get it in earlier, or order it online) so before we left DH and I had to go to the shops near us for literally everything- Yorkshire puddings, potatoes, cheese, vegetables, even the bloody milk. The only thing she had was a turkey.

DH and I don’t drive so the plan was for her to come and get us (about a 40 minute car journey). Yesterday she decided the traffic would be too bad (even though all the roads on the route were clear) and the trains are on a reduced service so DH and I, with our bags, gifts and all that food, had to get a local bus, a tube, a rail replacement bus, a train and then another bus. Took nearly 2 hours.

When we got here the spare room (that used to be my room) was full of junk. She hadn’t wrapped a single gift so I had to wrap her presents for DH as well as my Aunt, Uncle and cousins’ gifts as we’re going to theirs tomorrow. The only one she told me not to wrap was my own.

The sofa bed wasn’t ready so at quarter to 11 last night (after I was done wrapping her presents and tidying the spare bedroom) I had to set the bed up, put the duvet cover and pillowcases on etc.

It’s now 11:55 on Christmas Day, my DM has been awake 45 minutes... and now she’s wrapping my present as she forgot to do it last night.

I mean, really??

I’m past doing Christmas I’m only 43. I wrapped the child’s presents the rest got stuffed in a sack bugger that for a game of soldiers

If you have to cook i suggest you leave.

I'd rather go home and eat beans on toast than be used to provide someone's Xmas dinner for them when they invited us

Ugh, sounds awful. Sympathies, OP.

She sounds miserable and manipulative.

I would make it clear you won't be doing holidays with her again and why that is.

Does she have dementia? Sounds really weird if this is not what she is normally like.

Sounds like one time at my grans. Unfortunately it was the first big sign of dementia.

Is she always like this? Really don't go next year

Agree with dh that next year you will stay at home and do whatever suits you.

Then try and salvage a good Christmas today. Don't do any more jobs for her, you have done plenty. I wouldn't have wrapped all those gifts for her - if they are for adults they can receive them upwrapped in bags/ delivery boxes, not your problem to solve.

If she doesn't want to cook, or at the very least share the cooking, just cook the bare minimum and don't do the full Christmas lunch. Or order takeaway if somewhere open.

Sounds absolutely awful. I'm nc with my family now, but I remember one year, my mum invited me on my own (without my husband!), for boxing day dinner with her and her partner. I've been vegetarian since I was 9, and my starter was prawn cocktail without the prawns! She hadn't got me a vegetarian alternative for dinner, (they ate turkey), she said "I thought you could just have the vegetables"!!!! I couldn't have the gravy either, so after an indigestion inducing dinner of lettuce and dry vegetables, we all sat down to watch what they wanted on the tv, without talking! So I made my excuses and went home!

Okay so I also came home yesterday to find mum
hadn’t shopped but I expected that because she’s old and I would never expect her to host at her house (I do the Christmas dinner at hers and give her the credit). Turning up at your elderly mum’s and expecting her to cook for you is the height of cuntfuckery tbh.

that’s properly awful...

Turn to gin and wham and remember it’s just one day....

Okay so I also came home yesterday to find mum hadn’t shopped but I expected that because she’s old and I would never expect her to host at her house (I do the Christmas dinner at hers and give her the credit). Turning up at your elderly mum’s and expecting her to cook for you is the height of cuntfuckery tbh

All fine when it's all pre arranged like that and everyone's given a "job" to do.

Not fine when people let you down last minute for no other reason than they don't wanna do something then exoevt you do do absolutely everything when they invited you and told you that they would be sorting stuff.

All she had to do was say she's really sorry she can't manage to do the shopping these days. Op could have set up an online shop to arrive when they were there

Sounds like she is too old to do Christmas day now. Maybe have her over to yours next year if not then stay home christmas day . Go over boxing day bring some microwave dinners, bottle of wine and pudding. Tell her no gifts all round. So it's less for you to do and the expectations are lower as its no longer Christmas day.

Why did you end up there? You mention that she wanted you there badly but haven't said what made you think that?

Cherries we don't know OP's mum is older, she hasn't said.

Are you my aunt? I've just read this to my mother, who has memories of similar Christmasses in her 20s and 30s going home to visit her perfectly healthy but useless mother. This was before DM had the space and funds to host xmas. Whilst being home was always a joy, she said it was incredibly stressful and actually quite hurtful to home to someone who wasn't actually bothered. Why offer to host if this is your attitude.

This is the last year you're going, so remember that to make the best of it.

Diagnosis Mental Health or Manipulation., you decide as don't know her.

Maybe it's time to start hosting Christmas at yours?

OP is probably cooking the dinner right now

Agreed if she doesn't have dementia etc that you should not go to hers again.

The OP hasn't come back, so we don't know if there are MH issues, or her mother is elderly. Without that info it's hard to give a balanced opinion.

I'm with you, 5Fiverstar, I am completely over it.

I wouldn't have gone to over, OP. 'Oh, that's such a pity! Well, we're not organised, either. Think we'll just stay here.'

And why is there any reason to 'host Christmas'? It's one bloody, overrated day!

She’s 70 but not an old seventy, if that makes sense. I will be doing the cooking, have already prepped the turkey and got it in the oven and now DH and I have escaped popped to the pub for a swift one.

It’s been just her and me for a long time (see last year’s saga and last year was the first time I had ever not spent it with her so she has been very excited about DH and I spending it at hers this year. Our flat isn’t big enough to host but we are househunting, so hopefully next year we can host and this is the last time we’ll have to endure spend Christmas here!

Your mother is a toxic narcissist. Your brother is NC with her for a very good reason. Get to the Stately Homes threads and learn to be free of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - so you can stop indulging her terrible treatment of you.

Even if you haven't moved by next year, she drives and is only 40 minutes away by car so she could just come to yours for the day. I would invite her for lunch and then let her decide what she does.

Don't go to hers ever again.

You know your mum best, but could this just be age catching her up?

This is the first year that I've 'felt my age' (early 60s so I'm NOT old!) in getting ready for Xmas. I do the majority of my cooking & the final 'sprucing up' the house on Xmas Eve. By about 2 I was completely knackered, my hands and arms were cramping and I had to call DS2 and DH down to help me finish up my cooking. Later my hips started to ache and I had to sit with a heating pad. This is NOT like me, I normally breeze through this knowing that I'll have a good sit with a glass of wine when I'm done. I'm hoping this was a 'one off', but you just don't know.

Grin and bear it. And next year make alternative plans if you think it's not a one off. Have her come to you or go to her but have dinner out.

It's hell getting old!