To think if my DM wants us at hers for Christmas so badly, she ought to be a bit more prepared?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH and I are spending Christmas at my DMs. It’s just the three of us. From the beginning it’s been a nightmare.

Yesterday she didn’t have any Christmas food in and said she couldn’t go shopping on her own as it would be too busy (it hadn’t occurred to her to get it in earlier, or order it online) so before we left DH and I had to go to the shops near us for literally everything- Yorkshire puddings, potatoes, cheese, vegetables, even the bloody milk. The only thing she had was a turkey.

DH and I don’t drive so the plan was for her to come and get us (about a 40 minute car journey). Yesterday she decided the traffic would be too bad (even though all the roads on the route were clear) and the trains are on a reduced service so DH and I, with our bags, gifts and all that food, had to get a local bus, a tube, a rail replacement bus, a train and then another bus. Took nearly 2 hours.

When we got here the spare room (that used to be my room) was full of junk. She hadn’t wrapped a single gift so I had to wrap her presents for DH as well as my Aunt, Uncle and cousins’ gifts as we’re going to theirs tomorrow. The only one she told me not to wrap was my own.

The sofa bed wasn’t ready so at quarter to 11 last night (after I was done wrapping her presents and tidying the spare bedroom) I had to set the bed up, put the duvet cover and pillowcases on etc.

It’s now 11:55 on Christmas Day, my DM has been awake 45 minutes... and now she’s wrapping my present as she forgot to do it last night.

I mean, really??

Just had a quick look at your previous thread OP. Oh, dear. I suspect she's punishing you for having the temerity to marry and thus to put someone else - as in, NOT her - at the centre of your life.

She really sounds like she might be ill. Physically or mentally. Poor thing. Unless she’s always a dick. In which case invite her to (make her own way) to yours next year.

So your dh is not at his very ill parents this Christmas nor with his dgp in hospice. But at your mums 😱 arranging all for her Christmas with you?
Isn't it time to leave her to it (now) and set some boundaries not to be at her beg and call. If this was asked of a woman on these treads she would be advised to leave her dh 😏.

That's so bad!! All sounds very controlling.

Not much you could've done about the food, although I would've been tempted to point blank refuse to drag it on public transport. Think I would've just gone home with it!

I definitely would've refused to wrap the gifts, that's her problem. Why did you do it? In all seriousness, have you tried saying "no" to her?

From your title I was all ready to say "lighten up a bit of chaos is expected at Christmas" but that is a bit extreme. Not picking you up is just lazy.

Read her other thread. The mum is toxic.

What was the outcome last year? Couldn't see as I had a quick look at your other thread.

I feel you.

I remember one memorable Christmas when, after doing all of my shopping and their shopping and a lot of the food shopping, driving a couple of hundred miles with three kids, I arrived and they hadn't decorated or prepped anything.

I was up till two, wrapping and decorating. Then in the morning, after I'd been up at the crack of doom on my own with the kids, my mum announces that she's not going to do a Christmas dinner and we'll have soup and sandwiches. The kids were bereft so I made it... on my own, whilst all the other adults went for a nap.

Oh and I was 38 weeks pregnant and the whole point of not hosting at mine, which is what I usually did, was so that I could have a break. But my mother is a hypochondriac and a narcissist, so there we have it.

Nowadays, I decide what kind of Christmas I'm up for and this year we've stayed home and done it our way. Use this as a learning experience and next year, take into account your mother's attitude and plan accordingly (which may include just not going).

Your mother is toxic. Give yourself and your DP the best present ever. Go NC. Get home tomorrow. Change your numbers. Do not give her your new address.

You're pretty much being punished for last year huh?

Ouch, OP. Your mother isn't ill. She's awful.

You can't go back. She'll try everything to make you, but you've a year to work out how to refuse.

Enjoy what you can and leave early.

Just read last year's thread.

Bless you, OP. Make this the last year you have less than the best Christmas possible!

Doing her shopping, spending hours travelling on public transport and wrapping her presents is enabling her.
All you had to do was say you'd changed your mind and were staying home afterall.

What was she doing whilst you were wrapping presents and cooking?

Noticed your user name is Italian- is that because you are? My mother’s Italian and is exactly the same. She insists on hosting, expects me to cook, doesn’t prepare, I buy, wrap and sometimes pay for all her presents to myself my 4dc and dh. I know it’s weird but it’s too big a thing to ever fight against. Also, she does things like literally demand we compliment her outfit when she comes downstairs.

Don’t want to culturally stereotype but I need to blame something for her behaviour (other than the fact I put up with it).

When are you planning to leave, OP? If you're staying there tonight, I would be ready to go first thing tomorrow. And as other pp have said, make sure you don't go back next year. You can host and invite her to yours if you want but at least then you're in control of arrangements and not at the mercy of her lack of preparation.

Is suggest you and DH think about how this dynamic has worked for you. What you think about it and if you want to change it how and when and what you will do about it. Next Christmas is another year.
Last year we had an awful
Christmas w in-laws. And parents are getting older. So this year we are in a cottage and alternative accommodation. Better all round.
Think about what dynamic would work better for you and why and try to implement some of that.

I’d have turned down her ‘kind’ offer after deciding not to pick you up, roads very clear at that time. She sounds like a nightmare, but don’t you become an enabler....

Update- I have warned DH and DM that this may be the worst Christmas dinner they have ever had, and I have chucked gravy at the problem.

Well bless them they both ate dinner and said they enjoyed it... and even then I was in tears because I’d fucked it up... fortunately we’re off to my Aunts tomorrow so there’ll be the glorious relief of Other People!

She made her daughter cry on Christmas. You are a very much a victim of a toxic parent.

She didn’t moan about dinner at all, she and DH both said it was lovely and ate most of it. But I knew I’d overcooked the pigs in blankets and undercooked the carrots and this was the first time I’d done Christmas dinner for more than just DM and me so I was feeling the pressure!

You don't need her approval or influence.

You do however need this book.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1439129436/ref=asc_df_143912943657668221/?hvlocphy=9045288&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310831412334&creative=22110&hvpone&hvlocint&creativeASIN=1439129436&th=1&hvpos=1o2&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforum-21&hvtargid=pla-435426350635&hvrand=14309295975676648300

Or this one

www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3?psc=1&pf_rd_p=edbf09e8-4620-40f4-a0b3-ad5da0ba099f&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=szoVF&pf_rd_r=VSDRFJ31J05ZM64YDAS4&pd_rd_i=006220436X&pd_rd_w=nAaFR&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=VSDRFJ31J05ZM64YDAS4&pd_rd_r=8eb35db6-087b-11e9-ab13-97438e369c97

I don't want to sound like I'm making assumptions/excuses etc but has she always been that disorganised and lacking in thoughtfulness? A lot of what you wrote sounds spookily like an experience of a friend who (3-4 years) later on was diagnosed with dementia. 70 is young but within the age range that early signs are possible

My sympathies OP, my mum is just like this. Not only at Christmas but literally every time I visit. Even when I went to visit with my newborn I ended up buying all the shopping, doing most of the cooking, setting up the spare room....it simply didn’t occur to my mum that I might be exhausted and need help.

Does your Mum live on her own? Mine does, and it seems she cant get her head around having guests and looking after them. I don’t have any advice to offer but I know it’s not easy to deal with.