To think if my DM wants us at hers for Christmas so badly, she ought to be a bit more prepared?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH and I are spending Christmas at my DMs. It’s just the three of us. From the beginning it’s been a nightmare.

Yesterday she didn’t have any Christmas food in and said she couldn’t go shopping on her own as it would be too busy (it hadn’t occurred to her to get it in earlier, or order it online) so before we left DH and I had to go to the shops near us for literally everything- Yorkshire puddings, potatoes, cheese, vegetables, even the bloody milk. The only thing she had was a turkey.

DH and I don’t drive so the plan was for her to come and get us (about a 40 minute car journey). Yesterday she decided the traffic would be too bad (even though all the roads on the route were clear) and the trains are on a reduced service so DH and I, with our bags, gifts and all that food, had to get a local bus, a tube, a rail replacement bus, a train and then another bus. Took nearly 2 hours.

When we got here the spare room (that used to be my room) was full of junk. She hadn’t wrapped a single gift so I had to wrap her presents for DH as well as my Aunt, Uncle and cousins’ gifts as we’re going to theirs tomorrow. The only one she told me not to wrap was my own.

The sofa bed wasn’t ready so at quarter to 11 last night (after I was done wrapping her presents and tidying the spare bedroom) I had to set the bed up, put the duvet cover and pillowcases on etc.

It’s now 11:55 on Christmas Day, my DM has been awake 45 minutes... and now she’s wrapping my present as she forgot to do it last night.

I mean, really??

I also feel quite sorry for your DH having to be caught up in this dysfunctional relationship. You need to sort yourself out. She isn't only like this at Christmas is she, it must impact your life on a regular basis.

OP, are you sure your mum is ok? Could she have depression or the very beginning of dementia?

Oh my goodness. I feel desperate for you. BUT. The bit that you can’t see is that you did it all. You completely enabled her behaviour. Every bit of it.

She stuck out her feet and you took her slippers off.
She didn’t wrap presents so you wrapped them
She didn’t prepare the food so you did it.

I think you need to do two things in 2019:

a) learn to drive. Life skill, you and DH should prioritise this. It will empower you both.

b) get counselling to challenge some of your thinking about what your role is/your self esteem

You are entitled to a nice Christmas. You are not someone’s slave. You can speak up. But I think you need support so that you really believe these things deep down.

If you can’t cut the cord for yourself, do it for your husband. Why the fuck do you think it’s okay to ruin his Christmas this way?
Don’t be a martyr, nobody likes them.

OP, yes please respond to the various PP who think maybe your DM has onset dementia. What do you think?

OP it was NC that really helped me see the wood for the trees. I recommend it although I didn’t expressly seek it at the time.

The falling out with my dad came when my sister and I both recognised that my dad was in lots on small ways (such as you describe with your mum) trying to sabotage our happiness. We started calling him out on it rather than accepting it and it was this that really created the falling out. He couldn’t cope. We thought we could make him address his bad behaviour but the result was he cut us off.

We had both just had kids and in putting them first we couldn’t put him first so much. I guess it was this that created the change in our behaviour. I remember making him lunch with a crying 2 week old baby in my arms when he came to visit and ‘help out’ after the birth. He stood and watched me. I was gaga from lack of sleep and all out of sorts from suddenly being given the responsibility of a human life to look after. Your mum will be like this too I think if you have a little one as everything has to be about her.

Its your choice whether you accept her behaviour and a break from it would likely help you.

Sorry to be so blunt, OP. I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily but what you described reminded me of my poor grandma who had dementia.

This is one of those threads.

The OP just wants to vent. They're in a pretty bad situation, everyone piles in with questions and advice and the OP doesn't engage with anyone, reply to anyone or take any suggestions on board.

It's all very funny and jolly and will carry on the same way for ever.

Like other posters I don't understand why the OP is falling over herself to enable her mother's behaviour .
I've not read previous threads by the OP so will have missed stuff but ........why is the mother taking so many tablets ? guessing there will be side effects and
......why is she sleeping so much ?

Yeah I had a friend with a toxic mother. I felt so sorry for her.

Until the friend came back after spending the weekend and started whining about how her mother made her cut her toenails for her. A totally healthy woman, mind you who was only in her 50s at the time. Played golf!

I started to lose sympathy when I realised my friend had actually done it. She described her mother lying on the bed, prattling on, whilst she knelt at the foot of the bed clipping her toenails and the toenails pinging around the room. I listened, shocked to the bone.

The change has to come from the exploited, cos it'll never come from the exploiter.

You need to extricate yourself from this toxic dynamic.

Ermm no you don't have to have her at yours every Christmas or any Christmas.
You are an adult and in control of your own life.
Just say no ffs.
People only treat you how you allow them to treat you. Think about that.
You're an adult now, you are in control.

It doesn't sound like dementia to me. Just a right pain in the arse.

Do not feel obliged to have her every year from now on.

Oh dear OP your mother has been playing you like a violin. I remembered your previous thread from last year - sounds like punishment for doing something different last year. I know you said you’ve had therapy but the boundaries don’t seem to be there. Eg she can sit in pyjamas til 3pm if she wants to but you don’t have to, she may hint she wants a tea but you don’t have to make it, you want to go home but stay another night when she tells you to. Sounds like more work to do here.

What happens when you say “no I don’t want to do that” to her?

If I were you, I'd start saving to pay for a taxi to take your mother on her own to and from your aunt's next year, and leave it at that.

Only worry about dementia/depression where the individual doesn’t have form with this sort of behaviour- it sounds as though your mother has been like this for a long time.

It could well be the onset of dementia, not being able to do the things you could once do is one of the signs and an inability to plan things and carry out those plans is another. It would be preferable for her to come to you but I wonder if she has worries about driving. She could become a danger on the roads if she becomes forgetful during the journey/ any journey. My sympathy OP as dementia is very cruel and difficult to cope with for all concerned.

You really do not need to have her over at Christmas. If you still feel dutiful you can invite her between boxing day and NYE. Or better still, arrange to have a meal / posh brunch or sth in town and in public. So she is not in your home. I bet she behaves better then. 'NC' is worth considering too.

The downside is that means she’ll come to us, not just alternate years but every year, from now on.

No she doesn't unless you make the choice to have her. PPs are right, this will not change as long as you enable the behaviour.

Bear in mind also that if you establish a pattern of her behaving like this in your home every year it isn't only DH you are expecting to tolerate it but your potential children.

Don't delude yourself that it won't affect them and all your other family relationships.

The getting out of bed at mid day is unusual - most of us wake earlier as we get older. Does she have some other problem which stops her getting up or was it deliberate?

Who paid for the shopping? I'm horrified for you. It was an endurance test.

I think the unanswered questions on this thread are (a) has she always been this nasty and (b) do you really think it might be illness or is she just selfish and entitled?

And (c) why on earth would you be planning to host her next christmas? I'd be planning not to speak to her for a long as possible!

Keep the alternative Xmas arrangement when you move. Pretend you're going to friends or on holiday.