Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if my DM wants us at hers for Christmas so badly, she ought to be a bit more prepared?

122 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 25/12/2018 11:56

DH and I are spending Christmas at my DMs. It’s just the three of us. From the beginning it’s been a nightmare.

Yesterday she didn’t have any Christmas food in and said she couldn’t go shopping on her own as it would be too busy (it hadn’t occurred to her to get it in earlier, or order it online) so before we left DH and I had to go to the shops near us for literally everything- Yorkshire puddings, potatoes, cheese, vegetables, even the bloody milk. The only thing she had was a turkey.

DH and I don’t drive so the plan was for her to come and get us (about a 40 minute car journey). Yesterday she decided the traffic would be too bad (even though all the roads on the route were clear) and the trains are on a reduced service so DH and I, with our bags, gifts and all that food, had to get a local bus, a tube, a rail replacement bus, a train and then another bus. Took nearly 2 hours.

When we got here the spare room (that used to be my room) was full of junk. She hadn’t wrapped a single gift so I had to wrap her presents for DH as well as my Aunt, Uncle and cousins’ gifts as we’re going to theirs tomorrow. The only one she told me not to wrap was my own.

The sofa bed wasn’t ready so at quarter to 11 last night (after I was done wrapping her presents and tidying the spare bedroom) I had to set the bed up, put the duvet cover and pillowcases on etc.

It’s now 11:55 on Christmas Day, my DM has been awake 45 minutes... and now she’s wrapping my present as she forgot to do it last night.

I mean, really??

OP posts:
MargotMoon · 25/12/2018 19:42

Nothing to offer but sympathy and ThanksGinWine. That sounds like a shitty Christmas, I hope next year is better

AngeloMysterioso · 25/12/2018 23:07

I’m now about to do the washing up. I’ve also been asked to stop drinking, because I’m slurring and staggering, apparently.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 25/12/2018 23:11

Seriously? Tell them to do their own washing up and go home. Why do you put up with this?

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 25/12/2018 23:51

Who asked you to stop drinking?

What is your mother doing?

And your husband?

Why can't they wash up as you cooked?

AngeloMysterioso · 26/12/2018 00:01

DH helped me with the washing up so I didn’t have to do it alone. My DM would have done it, but it was simply too much for one person, so she had a shower instead. My DM asked me to stop drinking because I had clearly had not even close to enough!

OP posts:
SushiMonster · 26/12/2018 00:22

Bookmark this thread and check on it next year so that next year you can tell your mum there’s no way you’re going to hers.

EllenOlenska · 26/12/2018 00:40

I'm getting a sense of deja vu here. If you've ever received a birthday gift hastily shoved in your hand with no gift wrap save a poundland carrier bag (despite being invited round in advance for a dinner to celebrate then a request on the morning to pick up all ingredients for your meal)
Hello DSis! waves

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 26/12/2018 00:47

Op, sounds like you are being ‘punished’ for last year ... however, it’s not clear from your 2017 post how you finally spent Christmas then (clearly not with your mother, but how did that resolve itself? How did you communicate it, and was there a fallout at the time?)

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 26/12/2018 00:55

OP, you did the best you could in a situation that your mother created. She did this, not you. Please give yourself a break and also give yourself permission to just not see her for Christmas next year. I hope you can see she's playing you like a fiddle, consciously or not.

P.S. I imagine you drank to mentally escape. On some level she will have spotted that, hence attempting to shame you back into your allocated place....

DishingOutDone · 26/12/2018 00:59

Why would you think it funny that she was being critical and disrespectful after basically messing up your entire Christmas?

bringbacksideburns · 26/12/2018 20:53

OP - how old are you?
You sound like a little girl. She didn't moan about the dinner you made after lugging it on public transport for hours but she had a go at you later implying you were drunk?

She's invited you for Christmas and you have done everything. Even the washing up. Your
husband must be incredibly passive because I think mine would be getting pissed off by now.

And no doubt next year there will be another saga, all revolving round your controlling mother. Imagine how worse it would be if you had kids in the mix, you would be exhausted.

Seriously, and I don't mean this nastily - but all that's left is for you to lie by the front door with WELCOME stamped on your forehead.

bastardkitty · 27/12/2018 05:42

Is that post meant to be supportive? I can't actually tell. Hmm

babysharkie · 27/12/2018 06:02

You poor thing. Keep drinking and never go back there again

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2018 06:42

Time to learn to stop being the dutiful daughter. Therapy helped me immensely with this.

AngeloMysterioso · 01/01/2019 03:48

Just a quick, very belated update after the saga of Christmas Day.

So, on Boxing Day DH and I were both up and about around 8ish, packed and ready to go to my Aunt’s quite early. My Aunt asked to us to get to hers by lunchtime (it’s an hour and a half drive), so I suggested we finish getting ready ourselves, then wake DM up so that all we had to do was get her ready. So we woke her up at 9:30.

She sat on her bed in her pyjamas for the best part of 2 hours faffing around with her many, many, many tablets (she does have to take an awful lot of tablets) so I helped her with that and did literally all the rest of her packing for her. Then she had to get dressed, then put her make-up on, etc etc. Just as I was thinking we were about ready to go she asked me to make her a cup of tea. Not directly of course, something like “are you making a cup of tea?”. Eventually, nearly 3 hours after we woke her, (and two hours after DH and I had thought we’d be leaving) we left.

We got to my Aunts and thankfully because her house is so enormous it offered DH and I the chance to have a few peaceful hours alone in a separate room watching a film whilst she and my Uncle chatted with my DM. However, he had to leave for work the next day lucky bastard so on the 27th I had to sort her out myself.

There were a few I-am-ready-to-tear-my-hair-out moments - the part where she called me “gobby” in front of my Aunt, Uncle and cousin for disagreeing with something she said was a highlight. My Aunt caught my eye and just gave me a sort of shruggy “what can you do?” type of look.

She’d told my Aunt she was thinking we’d leave around 8pm but I could tell my Aunt didn’t want her us to leave that late and I barely feel safe with her driving in daylight so we woke her up around half 11-12ish (and again she spent several hours sat on her bed chatting in her pyjamas). I made my DM her sandwich and cup of tea when she went downstairs, and then went to her room and packed all her stuff for her (again) and got it all downstairs and into the car (again). At one point she told me she needed her shoes as she still had her slipper boots on, so I took them into the sitting room, and she just stuck out her legs for me to take her slippers off her feet for her.

We’d been in the car heading back to hers around 20 seconds when she started asking why couldn’t I stay til Saturday or Sunday? I said something vague about DH having made plans for us with his friends (which was a lie) and she got all huffy and said if you don’t want to stay just say so, no need to make something up. Evidence to the contrary!

We got home and I stayed one more night on the world’s most uncomfortable sofa bed (don’t even get me started on that fucking sofa bed). I woke up quite late the next day and started packing my stuff up to leave. She woke up sometime around 1pm and once again I made her “breakfast” and cup of tea etc. I had hoped at the very least that she’d give me a lift to the train station as it’s a 2 mile-ish walk (I can’t afford taxis) but she never offered and I gave up on that foolish notion when she was still sitting on her bed in her pyjamas by the time I left at 10 past 3. I did wonder at some point whether she was hoping that by not getting dressed and offering a lift it would force me to stick around longer, but honestly by then I was so fed up I’d have walked the whole way home!

My one act of rebellion was not to do the last lot of washing up, after I realised that since my getting there on Christmas Eve she literally hadn’t done a single thing for herself. She didn’t cook anything, or make a single drink, or wash any dishes, or pack her own bags, or carry anything to or from the car or even to or from her room. Nothing. She drove from hers to my Aunts and back again, but she’d have done that regardless of whether DH and I had been with her (and at one stage we were trying to figure out how to get him added to her insurance policy so he could drive).

It took me 2 and a half hours to get home, all the while carrying 4 heavy bags (and she tried to persuade me to take more stuff) and my neck and shoulders have been sore ever since. I think the reason I’ve only just updated is because I’ve only just started to feel properly relaxed again!

The upside is DH and I are moving soon so I won’t have to spend Christmas at her flat ever again. The downside is that means she’ll come to us, not just alternate years but every year, from now on. DH and I are TTC though, so fingers crossed next Christmas I can use “baby needs a feed” as a ready made excuse to get a bit of a break from her!

If you’ve made it this far, well done, thanks, and hopefully you won’t have to read a moany Christmas thread from me ever again! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Refilona · 01/01/2019 08:55

Why will you have her over next year though? She’s unpleasant and selfish. You don’t treat people you love like that - she treats you like a servant. I would never spend a Christmas with her again. (Or much time in general for that matter.)

ElspethFlashman · 01/01/2019 09:01

Jesus fucking christ.

I did all that for my mother. She was fucking paraplegic. Your mother is just a lazy fucker who treats you with contempt.

Get some counselling. You will need it, trust me.

Inertia · 01/01/2019 09:05

Stop martyring yourself. Your mother will never appreciate it.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/01/2019 09:09

She sounds awful. In your last update, not running you to the station when it would be 5 mins in the car and you're loaded with bags is just downright mean. Why not tell her all the things you've told us? Yes, she'd probably kick off, but so what? An excuse to avoid her at Christmas in future, if you need one.

W0rriedMum · 01/01/2019 09:10

I always smile at the choruses of "go NC" on here but you really should consider it.

A women who lives alone and presumably survives fine can't even help her daughter cook or wash dishes for days? She's a piece of work..

Next year, have Xmas alone. She will make her own plans or visit her sister (lucky her), and will guilt trip you to the hilt. But just keep saying "you're not that into Xmas anyhow".

If you don't push back before kids, you are doomed!

KindleAndCake · 01/01/2019 09:12

Wow you have my sympathies, BUT you are enabling her behaviour.
The bit where she stuck her feet put for you to take off her slippers, you should've just put her shoes down and walked off! That's just a tiny example, there's so much wrong with this relationship.

ID81241 · 01/01/2019 09:15

Omg OP I read your latest update with my mouth open. Shocked at your mother's behaviour and also surprised you didn't crack at any point. I thought I had it bad but your mother's level of hosting is worse as she actually actively ruins your holiday (rather than just leaves you to get on with it). She should also have given you a lift home. I wouldn't have her around next year (say you're visiting your DHs family). I think you both need a break from each other.

GooseLose · 01/01/2019 09:15

You don’t have to have her - ‘we are having a quiet Christmas together this year’, ‘DH and I have norovirus’, ‘we’ve booked a holiday to Barbados as a Christmas treat’, ‘just having a quiet one with baby this year’!. There is no law that says you have to invite her and she has your aunts to go to, even if you didn’t want to tell her the truth or a version of it to let her know that Christmas with her is a misery (which is really what you should do), then you can get out by saying no in another way.

You will never make her happy and she will make your married life a misery if you let her, ruining your Christmas’ to come in your new home. Why would you accept her bad behaviour? Not only do you accept it - you are trying to step up make things normal, making your own life a misery for someone who thrives on others unhappiness. An impossible task. She is feeding on you doing this and you can never make it right. So stop.

I have a father just like this, was a mug for years. I felt so sorry for him. Eventually he fell out with me and cut me off for a couple of years. Best thing that ever happened. We speak now but I’m not caught up in the drama anymore. I wish I had stood up for myself before.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 01/01/2019 09:22

I recommend therapy too.

lt would be helpful if you are ttc, it will hopefully help you to stop the cycle of toxicity.

Claudia1980 · 01/01/2019 09:25

Sounds like dementia to me. Sit her down talk to her and ask her if she thinks her behaviour is normal or reasonable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread