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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to PILs over Christmas?

130 replies

ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 13:59

Opinions welcome! We are not going to PILs on Christmas Day, so DH says we should go for a visit sometime in the next week. Trouble is, I cannot bear the temperature at their house - have always put up with it with frequent escapes to sit in the bathroom etc with window open, but nowadays it is at 24 degrees and all the time I was there last (in October), I was red-faced, sweating, thumping headache, fanning myself desperately with anything to hand. They looked at me as if I was something the cat brought in. If I sat there in my undies I still could not bear it. I cannot tolerate heat, as they have known for the 20 years we've been married, and our house is never more than 18 degrees (max), maybe 16 if I am home alone. DH and I reach a compromise on this as he feels colder than me. I wear less, he wears more etc. Works for us.
DH says I cannot ask them to turn it down as they feel the cold. I say that I am also a human being who feels things, and they should compromise. If they came to my house I would turn it up for them without being asked, and if they sat there shivering and freezing I would be mortified and try to rectify it.
We do not mention such things to PILs as it's the way DH was brought up, and I am told not to say anything as it would 'upset' them. So I told him I will not go. I feel a bit bad about it but don't see what else I can do. FWIW no, we are not close and I'm sure they are not bothered if I don't go, other than what it looks like to the neighbours and that it's the 'done thing'. AIBU?

OP posts:
Prosecco94 · 23/12/2018 14:01

Can you not just pop in for an hour in t-shirt and shorts?!

Seniorschoolmum · 23/12/2018 14:02

If it’s really that bad, don’t go. It won’t be fun for anyone if you are miserable.
Your dh just needs to be honest. Or offer to meet them for a walk along the local canal.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2018 14:03

How far away are they? I might see if I could drop off DH, going in briefly, before going off on some essential chore

GinaLinetti99 · 23/12/2018 14:04

To be honest, it sounds like an overreaction to what sounds like a short visit. I'm assuming you don't have to stay for days at a time? I would just dress accordingly for the temperature - light clothes, remove shoes and socks on arrival and tie your hair up. Try to have a nice cold drink.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:05

Two hours each way, so we can't just 'pop in'.

OP posts:
VickyEadie · 23/12/2018 14:05

I feel your pain. Some years ago when my in-laws were still with us (but MiL was failing fast), partner and I said we'd go and do Xmas dinner for them.

Stupidly, I wore a sweater and no layer underneath. Their house was like the inner core of the sun all day - they not only had the heating on full pelt (it was a small bungalow), but also the dreadnaught gas fire in the through lounge/diner. I kept having to go and stand outside for a bit, even though it was pissing down.

Hanuman · 23/12/2018 14:06

Honestly - for a visit, you should just deal with it. It's 24 degrees, not that extreme for older people.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:06

So it's a whole day thing, and there's nothing else I could do around there (very rural).

OP posts:
Walkerbean16 · 23/12/2018 14:08

Just wear a vest or light clothing.

OliviaStabler · 23/12/2018 14:09

Go for an hour, light clothing, ice cold water to drink with ice in it to keep your cool.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 23/12/2018 14:10

Sorry, you are being very dramatic. I think it would be extremely rude of you not to visit your PILs over Christmas so you are either using the heat as an excuse not to go because you don't want to see them or you are a precious snowflake.

68Anon · 23/12/2018 14:10

Why not go and just ask them politely if they could turn the heating down a little as you're finding the temperature too unbearable.
Also, as someone else mentioned, just wear lighter, looser clothes and have a cold drink.

Hanuman · 23/12/2018 14:11

This must happen to you a lot so presumably you have techniques for dealing with it

Whisky2014 · 23/12/2018 14:11

2 hours isn't long! A whole day? Nah. Go for lunch come home. You seem very dramatic.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:13

Yes, I understand that 24 degrees is not extreme for older people, but I don't think that being elderly automatically means you can ignore the feelings/comfort of guests in your home. I don't wish them to be uncomfortable, but shouldn't they compromise? I have always gone there dressed in very light summer type clothes or taken them to change into. As I said I would compromise if it were the other way round, although they rarely come to us.

OP posts:
FurryDogMother · 23/12/2018 14:14

Just wear whatever you wore to get through last summer, when it was considerably warmer than 24 degrees. Put a coat on over it for the journey. Sorted.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/12/2018 14:14

So what happens to you when it gets over 24 degrees in summer? Hmm Assuming you don't spend most heatwaves either signed off sick from work or actually in hospital, you have found ways to deal with it before and you can do that again.

2 hours is nothing, and they are your husband's family.

TheBaltictriangle · 23/12/2018 14:14

Buy them a hive temperature control app for Christmas and control the temp via your phone! Wink

More seriously, your pils are like my mum and I've managed by surreptitiously turning the heating down by a degree daily. She hasn't clocked on that I do this yet but her heating is set at 25°. It's horrific and I compromise by reducing it to 22° while I am there.

jessstan2 · 23/12/2018 14:15

Go for a shorter visit and wear something like a loose summer dress. Go out in the garden at times. Just a suggestion but I don't see how you can avoid going there at all until spring/summer.

The other thing would be for your husband to go alone, you cry off with an imaginary virus or something.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:16

DH insists that we go early to have a 'full day' there. We don't get lunch, just a sandwich.
Yes, it does happen to me a lot, and there are many places I can't go because they're too hot particularly in winter.
Snowflake? So I can't have feelings too?

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 23/12/2018 14:17

Just wear a vest and take your shoes and socks off. 24 isn't that hot.

Anothermothersusername · 23/12/2018 14:18

I wouldn’t go. If they are that selfish they can’t be bothered to put on an extra jumper and turn the heating down for you then why should you put yourself through the discomfort. It almost sounds like it’s deliberate. How on earth do they manage to step outside when it’s not the height of summer? Maybe they should move abroad!

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:18

During the summer heat I am inside our house with 3 foot thick walls, which is considerably cooler than outside, or sleeping with a fan. I have suggested to DH that I take a fan with me but that is also unacceptable. I have sneakily turned down the thermostat one Christmas, (to 20 degrees) but MIL saw me and turned it up an extra few degrees, which did not help with the resulting frosty atmosphere!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 23/12/2018 14:23

They obviously don't visit you because they're frozen. The older I get the more I feel the cold and it makes me utterly miserable, how hard is it to be a bit warm for one day? Sounds like an excuse to me.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2018 14:24

I think I'd be concerned uou have a medical condition with this sort of extreme reaction. Have you had your blood pressure checked? Do you have a significant weight problem? What about your thyroid?

I think if it really does make you this unwell you should ask your husband to go alone.

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