to not go to PILs over Christmas?

[ginghamstarfish]

Opinions welcome! We are not going to PILs on Christmas Day, so DH says we should go for a visit sometime in the next week. Trouble is, I cannot bear the temperature at their house - have always put up with it with frequent escapes to sit in the bathroom etc with window open, but nowadays it is at 24 degrees and all the time I was there last (in October), I was red-faced, sweating, thumping headache, fanning myself desperately with anything to hand. They looked at me as if I was something the cat brought in. If I sat there in my undies I still could not bear it. I cannot tolerate heat, as they have known for the 20 years we've been married, and our house is never more than 18 degrees (max), maybe 16 if I am home alone. DH and I reach a compromise on this as he feels colder than me. I wear less, he wears more etc. Works for us.
DH says I cannot ask them to turn it down as they feel the cold. I say that I am also a human being who feels things, and they should compromise. If they came to my house I would turn it up for them without being asked, and if they sat there shivering and freezing I would be mortified and try to rectify it.
We do not mention such things to PILs as it's the way DH was brought up, and I am told not to say anything as it would 'upset' them. So I told him I will not go. I feel a bit bad about it but don't see what else I can do. FWIW no, we are not close and I'm sure they are not bothered if I don't go, other than what it looks like to the neighbours and that it's the 'done thing'. AIBU?

@EtVoilaBrexit
My post said: or take the fan. I also suggested staying home if they couldn't work it out.

Are you having a go at me just to be agressive? Since I clearly offer different scenario's.

I'm gobsmacked. It's their house - they can have it however they like. I'm not often rude to people, but blimey you're being a drama llama! So IMHO yes YABU

I have sympathy Op, I am the same, I feel the heat too. 24 degrees would be stifling to me, and I would leave feeling very poorly. Unless you do feel the heat, then no one understands how awful it can be.

@ginghamstarfish

You could be describing me.

Until three to four years ago, I wasn't overweight.

My massive issue with heat has been with me since I was small. My weight has not changed that.

I've tried to get doctors to assess me for it but not one single GP has seen a problem with it, so I've always been dismissed.

At worst, I collapse, throw up, have panic attacks because it can feel like I can't breathe.

Thanks to the worst case scenarios and people's general reaction to my issue, over the last few years I've developed a real anxiety surrounding it - which definitely doesn't help.

I have fms and m.e, maybe it's related, but not one single GP has ever been able to explain it. I reckon they don't believe me.

It's been my life's ambition to travel parts of the world such as India, the Caribbean, Australia - but I don't reckon it would work out.

My skin often feels super cold to other people. And things which make others shriek like a cold coke can on their bare back, tend to be pleasant to me. I cold shower from April to October.

Severe temperature changes affect my joints and muscles, whichever way the temperature goes.

Some of us are just obviously built this way. It sucks. This last summer was such a struggle, I'm hoping to save up for an air-con unit.

So I believe you, OP. If this makes you a snowflake, it makes me one too.

To put this in perspective - I'm a person who hates the heat - last summer was a flippin' nightmare for me - BUT - I'm a 24/7 carer for my Dad, who needs to be warm, and the thermostat in his room never goes below 22 - usually around the 24 mark. I have to live here, all the time (not just for 2 hours), and am frequently too hot - not to mention the menopausal hot flushes I suffer from. I cope. I go to another room and open the window, I wear light clothes etc. and this is every single day, not for 2 hours once in a blue moon. C'mon OP, you can do this!

Actually OP, have you thought of acupuncture for your intolerance to heat?

I did and it (genuinely) has changed my life. It's like my inner thermostat went from REALLY HIGH ALL THE TIME to just normal within about three sessions.

I think with deciding not to go you just need to think in a few weeks if you got a call to say one had passed away would you have regretted not going and spending one last day with them? If you're really not that fussed as you aren't close and it's always a frosty atmosphere then fine just stay at home and enjoy the peace and coolness.

If you think you would be gutted that you hadn't got to spend that quality time with them then put the effort in, make up a medical condition and tell them about it and ask them without your husbands permission

Wear something cooling like a maxi dress and don't have any socks or shoes on, maybe flip flops. Drink plenty water and maybe take your own ice cubes if they don't usually have them in. Take loads of breaks outside as if you were a smoker. If they need anything be the one who nips out to the shops.

I love the heat usually but I have spent pregnant Christmas at elderly family and it's uncomfortable but don't regret that time as not it's not possible to spend Christmas with them

Wear shorts and a vest too and flip flops, and hold an ice pack.

What do you do in Summer? You must leave your house sometimes. What happens at work?

My dh is like this. (And I’m the other way - our general attire in the house is I wear thermals and 5 layers and he wears a t shirt and shorts.)

He has put on weight in the 20 years that we have been together. Not colossal amounts and he still isn’t “fat” but he is no longer “skinny” which he was when we got together.

He would say it has made no difference - that he has always been too hot. I (privately) disagree. It has made a difference to the temperatures he can tolerate. Not a lot - probably 1 or 2 degrees. But it has made a difference. He now starts sweating and complaining he feels faint at 23 degrees when it used to be 25 degrees.

Over 24 and below 12 put you at cardiovascular risk.

As someone currently having a run of weather over 30 degrees I am laughing my arse off at that. Don’t see people dropping like flies. In fact we all consider it ‘pleasant’ and anything less would be considered a cold Xmas. Once it heads over 32 we start to head indoors for air con.

Hospital thermostats here are set at 22. Even in summer everyone requires blankets. The 22 is due to a few things and infection control comes into it, basically it’s a temperature that is just below what most common microbes need to thrive and any lower (which would be even better in this respect) means people are really uncomfortably cold. As I said, at 22 I’ve rarely known people NOT to be bugging staff for blankets.

I would think a complete intolerance of heat at 24 would definitely require investigation. I spent several years working in the UK when younger and while heat tolerance there was different 24 is really extreme and unusual.

Op I have heating on and....... (dramatic drum roll) open a window a little for 'fresh air'
.

"I would think a complete intolerance of heat at 24 would definitely require investigation."

What kind of investigations though? Back before I knew I was autistic (and was getting ill/having meltdowns in he heat), doctors reluctantly checked my thyroid, said it was normal, and recommended a desk fan. They didn't have a clue and google wasn't very helpful either.

There’s also lots of ways to cope with heat if you have to. I spent several months out in remote communities at one point - in summer. Standard temp was over 40 degrees. Air con was a rarity. Basically hot as fuck.

I know it sounds common sense but anyway, dress for the weather. Tiny singlet top. Little shorts. Thongs on feet. That was considered suitable ‘professional dress attire’ for a healthcare professional in such a situation so I’m sure you would be fine to visit a relatives house attired accordingly . I actually wore a long sleeve solar top if outside for any period in areas with limited shade as otherwise your skin would dry to a crisp but you obviously don’t have to worry about that at 24.

Constantly shower, don’t use any hot water. Don’t dry yourself off, just throw clothes on while wet. Having wet hair, damp skin and damp clothes keeps you cooler and repeat as often as necessary, every couple of hours. Just excuse yourself, jump in their shower, it’s not like you are using their towel or products and then return like nothing weird has happened, from what you describe that seems to be the way your DH’s family rolls.

Stay hydrated and don’t drink alcohol.

I also hate being too hot, but YABU. Wear light clothing, use a water spray, put your wrists under the cold tap, have a cold drink etc. All the things you would do in summer to cool down. If you really can't bear it just ask them if you can open the window for a bit or go out for a walk. You have to suck it up.

Sevensatsumas - the OP has already said she works from home as she has a disability.

I feel for you OP. Good on you for deciding not to go. Enjoy the day to yourself. Merry Christmas!

Another PIL bashing thread. You're being very precious about this. I'll be visiting family tomorrow who have a young child and their house is always very warm. I'll dress accordingly because I always feel quite warm and I know it will be too warm for me. It's hardly the end of the world though.

You just don't want to go.

What kind of investigations though? Back before I knew I was autistic (and was getting ill/having meltdowns in he heat), doctors reluctantly checked my thyroid, said it was normal, and recommended a desk fan. They didn't have a clue and google wasn't very helpful either.

Lots of things. It could be indicative of endocrine disorders, neurological disorders, cardiac disorders.

What you are describing is related to a sensory processing issue.

One of my kids has ASD and thankfully it works the other way for them. I took my family with me when I did remote work for several months. I thought it would be a great experience for everyone, and it was. They were a teen at that point and they were the only one not affected by the extreme heat. Never broke a sweat, was never uncomfortable, didn’t need to up their fluid intake and was the only one not hopping under a shower whenever the opportunity presented itself. Thank god really as they were the one I was really worried re coping with the experience so it turned out to be one less thing to deal with.

the OP has already said she works from home as she has a disability.

Arrrhhh - maybe is this related to your disability? Conditions such as MS have heat intolerance associated with them. Maybe it’s to do with medication you take for your disability? Some medications cause heat intolerance. Maybe an aspect to discuss with your specialist?

Irrespective I would exhaust the normal avenues of cooling off before giving up on it all.

Thank you for all the suggestions, but the thought of me, a guest, jumping in their shower, would probably cause them to faint with shock. It's not that kind of household! I will definitely look into acupuncture, which my GP offers so can ask her advice. I still don't think it's a medical condition, as seen by the many others who say they also 'run hot'. To clarify I have ALWAYS been too hot if visiting PILs in winter, have dressed accordingly, used fan etc. They have not once in 20 years offered to turn down the heating, not by one degree. That was at 21 degrees. Now it's 24, and yes that's intolerable for me. To those saying why do what DH tells me and keep quiet ( so as to not 'upset' them) - in this matter I'll respect his wishes even though I think he's wrong and have told him so. The thing is, they are well aware of my discomfort, for 20 years of visits they have sat there watching me strip down to a vest top, fanning myself , sweating, going red in the face .... really is that is not understandable even to the dimmest person? ( to answer PPs, Menopause lasted about 3 weeks for me, a few years ago, so maybe they think it's hot flushes .... for 20 years though?)

To answer the last poster it's a physical disability and I don't take any medication.

@HoppingPavlova - As someone currently having a run of weather over 30 degrees I am laughing my arse off at that

Maybe try actually reading the document first? Big difference between artificially heated indoor temperature and outdoors temperature.

Not RTFT but would going out to lunch be an option? Get a breath of fresh air?

Big difference between artificially heated indoor temperature and outdoors temperature.

An artificially heated environment at 24 degrees is not challenging. People will not be dropping dead of CV challenges due to being in an indoor environment of 24 degrees. In fact, the majority of elderly people would be quite appreciative of an indoor environment a bit warmer again as they feel the cold particularly due to poor circulation. Of course, though as you get to 30 I do agree you would have a proportion start to drop like flies.

YABVU

Don’t want to go because their house is hot? Most ridiculous excuse I have heard on here.