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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to PILs over Christmas?

130 replies

ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 13:59

Opinions welcome! We are not going to PILs on Christmas Day, so DH says we should go for a visit sometime in the next week. Trouble is, I cannot bear the temperature at their house - have always put up with it with frequent escapes to sit in the bathroom etc with window open, but nowadays it is at 24 degrees and all the time I was there last (in October), I was red-faced, sweating, thumping headache, fanning myself desperately with anything to hand. They looked at me as if I was something the cat brought in. If I sat there in my undies I still could not bear it. I cannot tolerate heat, as they have known for the 20 years we've been married, and our house is never more than 18 degrees (max), maybe 16 if I am home alone. DH and I reach a compromise on this as he feels colder than me. I wear less, he wears more etc. Works for us.
DH says I cannot ask them to turn it down as they feel the cold. I say that I am also a human being who feels things, and they should compromise. If they came to my house I would turn it up for them without being asked, and if they sat there shivering and freezing I would be mortified and try to rectify it.
We do not mention such things to PILs as it's the way DH was brought up, and I am told not to say anything as it would 'upset' them. So I told him I will not go. I feel a bit bad about it but don't see what else I can do. FWIW no, we are not close and I'm sure they are not bothered if I don't go, other than what it looks like to the neighbours and that it's the 'done thing'. AIBU?

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 23/12/2018 14:24

I think people are being a bit mean to you. My pils are the same, ridiculously hot house. I rarely visit but when I do, I wear light clothing and go outside a lot. I'm not too bad but my daughter reacts very badly to excess heat. She gets a headache, nausea, goes deathly pale and has been known to faint. Funnily enough, she doesn't seem to react as extremely outdoors if it's very hot.

We have mentioned the excessive heat but they never reduce it yet expect us to crank up the heat when they visit us. It's the expecting it to suit them always that irks.

blackcat86 · 23/12/2018 14:26

Perhaps you just run warmer than most people OP. Our house is covered in gro eggs to check the temp as we have a young baby. Anything under about 18.5 and it feels quite chilly, even to the adults. Hubby's just put the heating on again and how is 20.5 it's much better. 24oc is quite warm but equally you should consider that you like it cooler yhan average..

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:27

Last month we went to stay with friends who are just a couple of years younger than the PILs. Their house was really hot, and I asked them if they could turn it down. They did so immediately, both put on jumpers, while I went down to sleeveless top and loose trousers. From time to time they asked me if I was ok and not too hot. I think that is how you treat guests. I would hate to think someone would not want to visit me because they would be uncomfortable but unable to say anything (DH's rules not mine).

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 23/12/2018 14:29

equally you should consider that you like it cooler yhan average

I suspect the op realises that 😁. I know I like it cooler than average, as does my dd. Doesn't make it any easier to cope with the heat, particularly when you are dealing with people who like it hotter than average, as do my pils and the op's.

Fresta · 23/12/2018 14:31

24 degrees isn't really hot. How on earth do you get through the summer? I think you need to get yourself checked for an underlying medical condition.

Strongmummy · 23/12/2018 14:33

I’d be more concerned about why you have this reaction to heat as 24 degrees isn’t hot. If you don’t already know why you have this reaction then go to the doctor to find out.

Re: your in laws, sounds like there’s a whole back story to your OP and their reaction to your issue with heat.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:33

Thanks for the varied opinions! I don't think it's a medical condition, I've always been like this, and have annual checkup for thyroid/diabetes/BP etc due to family history. I never wear a winter coat, never get cold hands or feet, radiator off in the bedroom, sleep with just a sheet mostly and a fleece blanket in winter but that gets pushed off halfway through the night. It's not desirable, and I would prefer to run at a normal temperature as it would make life easier.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 23/12/2018 14:33

Wish my house was 24 degrees - hubby insists on 18/19 and I'm bloody freezing!!! I'm hypothyroid and feel the cold!!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2018 14:33

You can't handle 24 degrees? Really? Confused

morningconstitutional2017 · 23/12/2018 14:35

I feel for you starfish as my PILS were exactly the same. I can't tolerate heat either but MIL felt the cold something chronic.

"You look cold, I'll put the heating up," she'd say as soon as we got there.

"Oh no, please don't, we're fine."

"It's all right, I don't mind," was the response (I think she secretly loved the idea of putting the thermostat up even higher).

I got a migraine (more than a headache) every single visit as it was unbearable. It didn't matter what I wore, it was so uncomfortable. In the end I had to curtail my visits.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2018 14:35

I would hate to think someone would not want to visit me because they would be uncomfortable but unable to say anything (DH's rules not mine)

And I woild hate to make someone uncomfortable in their own home Because I was visiting, there really is two ways to look at this

Helendee · 23/12/2018 14:36

Blimey wait until you go into perimenopause. I get so hot you could fry bacon on me! 🥴

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 23/12/2018 14:37

It's always roasting when we visit MIL too. We visit several times a week.

Not sure the care home manager would be too impressed if I asked him to turn the heating down in advance, just for us.

Are you menopausal?

problembottom · 23/12/2018 14:37

I like a cooler than average home, I imagine it’s because I grew up in a big drafty house, whereas DP likes it to be 24 degrees. We’ve had words in the past as this makes me feel really unwell. And I’m a sun worshipper! I’d send your DH on his own.

arranbubonicplague · 23/12/2018 14:38

I cannot bear the temperature at their house - have always put up with it with frequent escapes to sit in the bathroom etc with window open, but nowadays it is at 24 degrees and all the time I was there last (in October), I was red-faced, sweating, thumping headache, fanning myself

DH gets uncharacteristically quiet and then faints when he's in places that are too warm. He can't tolerate being over-hot but above a certain temperature (if he's being polite) he loses the ability to register just how bad he's getting and faints. It's happened at work so the upside is that they have to mandate breaks for people and he has a dispensation not to wear a jacket all the time.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2018 14:39

Op, you say you don't have a medical problem, but you didn't respond on the weight issue. Do you have a weight problem that could be causing it? What you're posting isn't the norm.

Beansandcoffee · 23/12/2018 14:39

Stop being so ageist. If they feel the cold (which lots of people do whether old or not) they cannot turn the temperature down. You are being unreasonable towards your Hs parents. Wait until you get to their age and your kids don’t visit because basically that’s what you are teaching them. If one is cold you can’t just turn the temp down. Howber you can wear less as 24 degrees is what we travel to Spain for and so is bearable in the right clothes.

theymademejoin · 23/12/2018 14:40

@Fresta - 24 degrees isn't really hot.

Yes it is. Have a look at this site - www.google.ie/amp/s/www.ovoenergy.com/amp/guides/energy-guides/average-room-temperature.html

According to it, the average indoor temperature in the UK is 18C, with an average thermostat setting of 20C (the difference in temperature is due to the fact we don't have the heat on all day). Over 24 and below 12 put you at cardiovascular risk.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2018 14:40

I appreciate that you're uncomfortable but for a lot of elderly people it's not just about preference, some find it very hard to keep warm and getting cold can actually mean they feel painful joints more. I think you had a bit of a cheek turning down their thermostat without asking.

If it's really so unbearable it's probably best you give it a miss OR you could stop abiding by DHs rules like some kind of surrendered wife Hmm and just tell the ILs you tend to overheat, ask if you could turn down the heat/open a window or bring the bloody fan and breezily inform them you're like a human hot water bottle!

Harrykanesrightsock · 23/12/2018 14:40

Can I ask, do you put the heating on when you have visitors. 16-18 is very cool for most people?

WilburforceRaven · 23/12/2018 14:40

So send your DH on his own.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 23/12/2018 14:41

Your DH should ask them to turn the thermostat down for the day. It's easier to put on an extra layer or two to stay warm than it its to get cool in a hot room/climate. That's just the reality.

If they really want you there, they'd do this. The fact that they haven't done so, by themselves, speaks volumes... I'm not sure I'd want to go either to people who were so inconsiderate of others' frankly.

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 14:41

I feel the cold. I have constant arguments with my dad who thinks that 18oC is ‘warm’. I’m bloody freezing (think hands and feet icy cold, feeling cold to the bones etc... it takes me a couple of hours to warm up if I have spent half a day in his house. And that’s despite me taking extra layers etc....)
My house is warm for me. At least 21oC. (Amd I’m nit even elderly - I dread to think how it will in a few years time!)

If you were coming over and complaining to be too hot and excepted me to turn the heating down, the answer would be a big fat NO.

Because it’s my house. And it’s at that temperature because it feels confortable to me. I’m not going to put the temperature down to 18oC just to please you. Just as I VERY MUCH DOUBT you would turn the heating up to 24oC if I was coming over.

I have to say, I’m wondering how you are actually coping with summers. Even in this country, you can find 24oC....

Beansandcoffee · 23/12/2018 14:42

Your reaction to heat, ie sheet in the winter and window open is not normal. Have you been to your GP?

theymademejoin · 23/12/2018 14:44

@Bluntness100 - What you're posting isn't the norm.

It's not the norm but it is perfectly normal. We all have different internal thermostats.

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